Wedding Invitation/Gift Etiquette

[vickalamode]

I have a question about wedding invitation and gift etiquette...my family was recently invited to a wedding for my father's goddaughter, who is around my age. The family sent my parents an invitation...and sent me a separate invitation at my parent's house. I haven't seen my godsister in probably 5 years, and there was no indication on the invitation that I am allowed to bring a date, so I'm not feeling that excited about going to this girl's wedding in the first place, because I will probably be bored out of my mind.

My question is...if I DO end up going to the wedding with my parents, does the fact that they sent me my own invitation mean I am supposed to shell out a separate, expensive gift, in addition to whatever my parents get her? Because I would really rather just chip in on a gift with my parents and have it be from the family, considering I am not close with this girl. But I mean...I am not even allowed to bring a date...which I understand for budget purposes they can't allow everyone a date...

I really sort of wish they just sent one invitation to my parents and myself. They apparently don't even realize that I live in another state 80 miles away. It sort of feels like they invited me because they felt obligated but that they don't actually want me to accept the invitation. I'm feeling sort of conflicted...I feel like I should go, but at the same time I feel like it's just going to be expensive and boring for me.

 

[Marionnette]

I have a question about wedding invitation and gift etiquette...my family was recently invited to a wedding for my father's goddaughter, who is around my age. The family sent my parents an invitation...and sent me a separate invitation at my parent's house. I haven't seen my godsister in probably 5 years, and there was no indication on the invitation that I am allowed to bring a date, so I'm not feeling that excited about going to this girl's wedding in the first place, because I will probably be bored out of my mind.

My question is...if I DO end up going to the wedding with my parents, does the fact that they sent me my own invitation mean I am supposed to shell out a separate, expensive gift, in addition to whatever my parents get her? Because I would really rather just chip in on a gift with my parents and have it be from the family, considering I am not close with this girl. But I mean...I am not even allowed to bring a date...which I understand for budget purposes they can't allow everyone a date...

I really sort of wish they just sent one invitation to my parents and myself. They apparently don't even realize that I live in another state 80 miles away. It sort of feels like they invited me because they felt obligated but that they don't actually want me to accept the invitation. I'm feeling sort of conflicted...I feel like I should go, but at the same time I feel like it's just going to be expensive and boring for me.

IMO, once you are an adult you buy your own gifts. Your level of generosity hinges upon your budget and your relationship with the couple.

 

[TwoMisfits]

IMO, once you are an adult you buy your own gifts. Your level of generosity hinges upon your budget and your relationship with the couple.

I agree - if you accept, you should bring your own gift based on what you feel comfortable giving. However, if you decline, you should feel no obligation to send anything back but a nice note on the response card.

I might add...no gift is too small. At my wedding, I got many $10-$20 gifts (since I was in my early 20s when I got married and my friends were poor). These did not represent the value of the "plate", nor would I expect it to, since I wanted my friends there to enjoy the day with me, not to enrich me.

 

[Sadie22]

So many young couples these days exclude even parts of households, so kudos to the bridge and groom for inviting the entire family as they should. Gifts are sent to the bride in advance of the wedding. There's nothing at all wrong with family members joining together to give a larger gift.

This is an opportunity to provide your new address and to renew old relationships and make new ones. If you go, you may be pleasantly surprised to find you will have a good time.

 

[Jen and Ashwin]

I would give your own gift in whatever amount you would have "chipped in" for your parents gift. DH's favorite wedding gift was a $20 coffee storage container that my coworker got for us. It was probably one of the least expensive gifts that we received, but DH uses it all the time and constantly tells me to let my coworker know how much he loves it.

I didn't have a huge wedding because we only invited people that we wanted to attend our wedding (and most of DH's family lives in India). I didn't invite anyone out of obligation, which caused a few ruffled feathers when I didn't invite some of my mom's cousins that I haven't seen since I was a little kid. I mean, really? But I know some people invite everyone hoping for more gifts. I also didn't add plus ones to the invitation because I really didn't want complete strangers at my wedding. But whenever someone asked specifically, I graciously said yes. No one actually ended up bringing a date though, probably because I had a destination wedding. Make your own judgement as to whether to attend or not.

 

[Jen and Ashwin]

So many young couples these days exclude even parts of households, so kudos to the bridge and groom for inviting the entire family as they should.

I do think if you invite one person from a family, their entire immediate family should be invited as well. But 2nd cousins and great aunts you really don't know? I don't think that is necessary.

 

[Madteaparty001]

If you don't have a long term boyfriend (2+ years), a fiance or a husband she's not obligated to give you a +1. On that note if she knows you are no longer living at home but didn't have your address it would have been the polite thing to do to give you a +1, especially since you can't guarantee she will have you sitting at the same table as your parents. Personally, I think if you don't feel close to this person I would send your well wishes and decline the invite. Then she's not shelling out extra for another plate and you're not left with bitter feelings if you don't enjoy yourself.

 

[Julia M]

If you're not feeling excited about going to he wedding and don't feel you know her....don't go. An invitation is not a command performance. As for a gift, I often combine together with my parents for a gift for my cousins. One cousin had GC to Home Depot on their registry and we chipped in for that. My parents and sister can't afford a lot, so combining with us made for a bigger gift. For other cousins it allowed us to buy a big ticket item on the registry that none of us would purchased individually.

 

[tvguy]

I disagree about the gift. So many unrelated folks these days pool their money to give a nicer gift than they could give on their own, I see no problem with a gift being from you and your family.
If the invitation is just to you and not you and a guest, don't bring a date.

 

[smokeyblue]

You've said nothing positive about the bride or going to the wedding; just send your regrets.

 

[ElenaRN]

I think I remember when I got married, the ettiquette was to send separate invitations to all adults living at the same address (not including married couples). That would apply to roommates or adult children living at home etc. So one for your parents, one for you and if you had another sibling they should have gotten one as well.

Sounds like you don't want to go. Don't feel obligated.

 

[Vernie822]

If you feel like you'd be "bored out of your mind" anyways, why should she shell out the extra $100 to let you bring a date?

I believe proper etiquette is to send you a separate invite, even if you live with your parents, since you're an adult. Perhaps she didn't know you lived far away and didn't check with her parents/your parents before sending out invites. It happens.

No offense, but I think your approach is rather rude. As a 20-something myself, I'm kind of in the same position of maybe not having a ton of extra cash (getting married soon too), but it's proper etiquette. If all you can afford is $X, you can still write her a check or buy something off the registry and I'm sure your generosity and attendance is much appreciated. If not, I wouldn't be upset if she did the same thing when you get married too.

 

[kool_kat]

I just got married this past June and had a pretty large wedding (200-300). I read all the etiquette and whatnot and really did try to follow it, but honestly, some of it was ridiculous. We also did not invite +1's unless they were a committed relationship. If you want to go, either get a gift or tack on to your parents. I really don't think it matters. Just do what your budget allows. (I personally would have never thought - how rude they just went in with their parents. Honestly, I was just thrilled people cared enough to get me something.) If you don't want to go, just send your regrets. No gift is required if you don't want to get one. I never expected a gift from the people that weren't coming and was surprised when some sent one.

You don't seem to want to go at all and that's ok. She may have been inviting you out of obligation only. If you aren't close, it's not bad at all not to go.

 

[HM]

We tacked onto our parent's present that time we didn't receive an invitation at our house.

If I were you, since you aren't close to the bride, I doubt I'd attend and I wouldn't feel I had to send a gift.

 

[Legendteri]

In my opinion, as long as you truly contribute ( and not just ask your parents to write your name down on the card) then either option is fine.

I am in my 30's and haven't lived at home for a while, but if my family wanted to all chip in to get someone a larger gift, I wouldn't think twice about it.

 

[LJSquishy]

You're an adult so the proper thing for her to do was send you a separate invitation which she has done.

It is completely up to you whether or not you will attend the wedding or give a gift. It doesn't really matter if you bring/send a separate gift or get a combined gift with your parents. Usually you would bring your own gift since you are in your own household (living elsewhere than your family home) but all in all it doesn't matter. If you wish to contribute toward a gift or bring your own, spend what you're comfortable with whether that means $10, $50, or $200. I don't consider 80 miles away to be far at all but if it's a big deal to you just decline to attend.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

Traditionally, wedding etiquette indicates that all adult members of a household receive an invitation. If you are part of a couple, the couple receives one invitation. Single adults receive their own invitation. So I doubt that the bride was trolling for extra gifts when she sent you an invitation. She was just being polite.

All that is "required" of you is to be polite in return. If you choose not to go to the wedding, just send in the reply card in a timely manner, indicating that you won't be attending. Any "obligation" on your part has then been discharged and you can go on with your life (as will the bride - She just needs an accurate head count for the caterer by a certain date.)

If you choose to go to the wedding, send it the reply card, and buy a gift. It is absolutely not traditional wedding etiquette to match the amount you pay for the gift to the price the bride will pay to host you. Just buy something you think the bride will like and you can afford. Some people who can't come to a wedding, but feel particularly close to the bridal couple, may choose to send a gift anyway, but that's strictly optional and pretty obviously doesn't apply in this case.

Hope this helps.