Wedding guests

[crisi]

I would do something like this as well. They're your friends. Be open and honest and see what happens. I'd add that you're also inviting their husbands because you want your guests to enjoy themselves.

Sometimes people see a wedding invitation as a summons from royalty. They aren't any more excited about "having to go" than the bride is about a list of her parents friends she "has to invite." Giving someone permission to not attend is often all that's needed - and if you can frame it in such a way so that its for their benefit (in this case "husbands are invited and welcome, but you all might have more fun without them" or "we understand if you can't make it, the reception is such a drive for you" or "we know you have soccer with Megan almost every Saturday, don't feel like you HAVE to come, although we'd love to see you there") you often get what you want.

 

[kollerbear]

Sometimes people see a wedding invitation as a summons from royalty. They aren't any more excited about "having to go" than the bride is about a list of her parents friends she "has to invite." Giving someone permission to not attend is often all that's needed - and if you can frame it in such a way so that its for their benefit (in this case "husbands are invited and welcome, but you all might have more fun without them" or "we understand if you can't make it, the reception is such a drive for you" or "we know you have soccer with Megan almost every Saturday, don't feel like you HAVE to come, although we'd love to see you there") you often get what you want.

This is so true... my fiance and I actually just realized that this will be the beauty of having a Sunday wedding--the vast majority of everyone who really wants to be there will be there (I'm sure there will be a couple people--e.g. a friend in a neurosurgery residency--who truly can't take the time off to travel on Monday morning). However, those who don't really want to be there will have a good excuse-- leaving more room for us to invite more people who would really want to be there.

And it's cheaper.

Magic!

 

[scrapquitler]

I have been in a bookclub for over 10 years. In all these years we have had 2 events where the husbands were invited. The men do not know each other.
My hypothetical questions is: Would you invite just the lady friends to a wedding reception and not their husbands? We live on the east coast and receptions cost at least $100 per person.

I would. Like someone else said, seat them together. They can have a girls night out. Their husbands probably wouldn't be that interested in going to a wedding for someone they had only met once or twice in ten years. When my DH and I got married, we did the same thing with our college friends. They all knew each other and they were all single, so we invited all of them without guests, and they came and sat together and had a great time.

 

[wishesuponastar]

Yes, it could be a girls night out

 

[reginaastralis]

I think it really depends on the sort of reception you're having too.

We're in the process of planning our wedding, and I really want to keep the guest list down (around 60) but my SO wants to invite over 100. Then the irony happened. None of my bridesmaid are in "serious" relationships (well, my MOH is, but I'm really hoping she breaks up with him .... ) yet all of his friends are married. He said "Oh, we don't need to give them +1's" (talking about my girls) but he expects all of his friends to be able to bring their wives. So now, as the person watching the budget and really planning and trying to have a small wedding, I'm the one insisting on +1's.

I don't know how old you and your friends are ... but we're in the middle of wedding season in our life. As a young couple (I'm almost thirty ...) with a small child, we see weddings as a night to get out and socialize with friends, and we love being able to spend the time seeing our couple friends. Obviously, your views may vary ... and I know my SO would question the "fun" of it, especially when he *gasp* has to miss football.

 

[Shelly F - Ohio]

Why not just invite the ladies to a luncheon to celebrate your marriage.

 

[JanaDee]

I sort of understand the "I'm not coming without my spouse" thing, but not really. If I was friends with someone, and my husband didn't know them, neither of us would be upset if he wasn't invited to their wedding. And I would definitely go. I can totally understand the budget aspect. I don't see why someone should have to cut the guest list and not invite someone they wanted to, just to make room for the unknown spouse of a friend. If your friends are close to you, I'm sure they would understand.
Why can't people have fun without their spouse? Or, I guess, why WON'T they? It could be a bit of a ladies night out (with that group of friends). some drinking and dancing. Sounds like fun to me!

If you drink/and or dance, yes, I imagine it could be a fun night without your spouse.

Since I very rarely drink and don't dance, I'd prefer to stay home.

 

[doobie11]

If you drink/and or dance, yes, I imagine it could be a fun night without your spouse.

Since I very rarely drink and don't dance, I'd prefer to stay home.

but this is what I don't understand. Even if you don't drink or dance, would you not want to see your friend get married? People would prefer to skip the wedding of a friend because they wouldn't have fun without their spouse? Isn't this the time to put your wishes aside and support your friend in this important time of their lives?

 

[JanaDee]

but this is what I don't understand. Even if you don't drink or dance, would you not want to see your friend get married? People would prefer to skip the wedding of a friend because they wouldn't have fun without their spouse? Isn't this the time to put your wishes aside and support your friend in this important time of their lives?

I would maybe go to the wedding, but skip the reception if my spouse was not invited (and depending on lots of other factors).

 

[mjkacmom]

I'd bring it up with one or two women that you are closer to, explain how much you would love to invite this group to your wedding, but it would be hard to invite spouses. Ask for their feedback. Personally, I'd definitely leave DH at home, and have a nice night out with my book club at the reception! He'd probably be happier being home, if he didn't know anyone at the wedding.

 

[pintamino]

You could invite just me, but I wouldn't be attending without my spouse.

This is both sad and ridiculous to hear. We are talking about the wedding of a friend, not going to jury duty or a minor surgery here - I am always excited when my friends care enough to include me in their day! Your spouse doesn't even know the bride. She is certainly OPEN to invite couples, but there is no offense in not doing it.

OP, I recently went to a wedding where I only knew the bride and one of the bridesmaids - I made friends with her sorority sisters and had a BLAST. Don't worry about it. If they won't come without their husband, they probably didn't care about your friendship enough to come anyway, especially if they have other friends attending!

 

[Nennie]

I love going to weddings with my husband, and would most likely not want to go to a wedding if he wasn't invited. I might go to the church for the ceremony, but then decline to attend the reception. Or if it was a bookclub friend, I might just attend the shower, give a gift then.

If budget is a concern, keep in mind (I see you are in NJ) that couples usually give twice as much $$ as a single person, so it all works out in the end.

 

[JanaDee]

This is both sad and ridiculous to hear. We are talking about the wedding of a friend, not going to jury duty or a minor surgery here

Put me in the "sad and ridiculous" club then, along with all the others that have said the same thing I did.

Doesn't bother me a bit what an internet stranger thinks of me.

 

[kollerbear]

Yeah, I think it is a little harsh to say that someone who can't enjoy a wedding without a spouse is "sad and ridiculous" for saying that. I have a good time at weddings where I don't know many people, but I definitely have more fun with my SO. You only get just so much free time and disposable income and I think it's completely justifiable to say that you travel or attend things with your spouse. Everyone's relationship is different, just like every wedding is different and every friendship/relationship is different. I could easily see myself attending a wedding and having a good time single, but I can also easily see preferring to go with my spouse and, unless I was VERY close to the person, opting out if I wasn't in the mood.

I think this is also SO dependent on age/your social sphere. Depending on who you are and who they are and what kind of wedding you're having, I do think that you could bring it up with them and it could be no big deal, as I'd mentioned in a previous post.

I personally couldn't imagine treating any of my friends to a luncheon instead, but that's only because I'm 27 and we don't really do that. Even if I took them to a "Sunday tea" I think it would be kind of ironic. However, I could easily see that being appropriate if I were even 5 years older when my friends have kids and a lunch away at a fancy place WOULD be a big treat. I think it's all relative.

Actually, now that I think of it, I feel like treating my friends to a luncheon in my honor would feel kind of like throwing yourself a shower--bad etiquette. I don't know. I'm not someone who thinks about etiquette 95% of my life, I feel like weddings just bring out the neurotic in a lot of us.

 

[lizabu]

I have been in a bookclub for over 10 years. In all these years we have had 2 events where the husbands were invited. The men do not know each other. My hypothetical questions is: Would you invite just the lady friends to a wedding reception and not their husbands? We live on the east coast and receptions cost at least $100 per person.

I wouldn't go to a wedding without DH. Maybe just invite them to the shower or bachelorette party.

 

[crisi]

See, I'd go to a wedding with my bookclub girlfriends without my husband in a second. I wouldn't go to a neighbor's kid's wedding, or a coworkers wedding without him - but for bookclub a wedding like this would be girls night out. And for us, bookclub is about girls night out. (We took bookclub - just the girls - to Vegas for a "retreat.")

We won't do it however, about half our husbands are part of the larger gang and would want to come along, but that isn't the case here.

I suspect that her bookclub may be a little more like mine - a bunch of women who like to get together and really enjoy each other's company, book club just provides one more excuse to get together (as does gardening, dancing, helping Cathy redo her flooded basement) - and less one of those "women who get together to read books and don't spend time together otherwise" club. Because if its the second, I wouldn't invite the women to the wedding, much less their husbands.

 

[eliza61]

I have been in a bookclub for over 10 years. In all these years we have had 2 events where the husbands were invited. The men do not know each other.
My hypothetical questions is: Would you invite just the lady friends to a wedding reception and not their husbands? We live on the east coast and receptions cost at least $100 per person.

My thoughts.

1) usually wedding invitations do extend to a "guest" but some times different circumstanced come up.
2) lots of drama can be avoided by simple communication. My dh had some baseball pals that he went to the games with. when one got married, I wish he would have said "husbands" only. I would have gladly stayed home.
3) as always weddings are not command performances to royalty. declining is absolutely allowed.
4) I've never understood the "I can't have fun without my spouse" thing though. My dh loved fishing and camping. If he wanted to continue to do it, he better have a good time without me, cause unless the fishing is in the pool in the back of the Waldorf, I ain't going.

To answer your question though, yes I would invite book club members only but I would speak with them first to make sure it was ok with them and no one felt insulted.

My husband was absolutely estatic when I did not force him to go with me to my sorority sisters weddings. I felt bad for this one "husband" that did show up. he was sitting at this table with 7 other women who were talking back and forth conversations that he had no idea about.

I went tons of places without my dh and had perfectly wonderful times.

 

[mjkacmom]

I wouldn't go to a wedding without DH. Maybe just invite them to the shower or bachelorette party.

No! No one should ever be invited to the shower or bachelorette party if they are not invited to the wedding!

 

[dimimi]

This is an interesting thread. I guess things are regional. We would never think of inviting someone to a shower if they were not invited to a wedding. The price of the plate should not be an issue. Adults should be a plus one.

What if all you went out to celebrate your upcoming wedding? Maybe one of the ladies is a good friend of yours and would offer to plan it for you?

 

[kollerbear]

To answer your question though, yes I would invite book club members only but I would speak with them first to make sure it was ok with them and no one felt insulted.

No! No one should ever be invited to the shower or bachelorette party if they are not invited to the wedding!

BOTH OF THESE THINGS! The only exception to "invited to shower, not to wedding" is a work shower OR an exceptionally small wedding (e.g. destination, parents and siblings only). And even STILL these things should never be planned by you. If you go out to celebrate, make sure someone else plans and organizes it!! Definitely should not be a gift grab!!