Wedding Experience: What's YOUR norm??

[leebee]

This is a spinoff/response to several threads. We are all quick to judge others' wedding customs based on our own, so I was wondering: What's the norm in your area/family? Please let us know general location of the tradition, if it's a religious/cultural tradition, etc. If you tell us about your wedding, how long ago did it happen?

I live in Maine now, grew up outside of Boston, and my experience in both places is pretty similar. I have been married for 20 years, but our shower/wedding was similar to those of my friends who have been married for 40 years, so these "customs" are pretty standard in this area. My friends are a mix of cultural heritages, so I have been to as many Jewish, Italian, and Greek weddings as I have been to protestant, catholic, or agnostic (usually at the UU church!). I also worked for a caterer while in college, so I've been to a LOT of weddings!

Wedding showers are normally hosted by several different groups of people, because they are smaller affairs and the people hosting/attending don't usually overlap. Normally the the bridesmaids, with the Bride's mom, will host a shower for the bride's and groom's relatives. This is either held in a home or a hall (think VFW or K of C), depending on the number of guests. Light refreshments are usually provided (munchies, veggie/fruit trays, dips, sometimes finger sandwiches or sandwich platters, cake, sweets, punch, coffee/tea), although sometimes people bring food. Other groups that might give showers are co-workers, sorority or dorm friends, special interest groups (I have a friend whose book club gave her a shower), etc. These basically follow the same structure as the MOB/bridesmaids showers; we often have showers for co-workers in the school library (after school, of course!). I don't know anyone who's had a shower at a restaurant, involving a sit-down meal, etc. We don't do that here. Shower presents are usually things for the home, like linens, small appliances (blenders, toasters, etc), smaller registry items (one place setting, or a serving dish, etc), or gift cards... but sometimes money, not usually. Sometimes people will go in together on larger gifts; eight of us chipped in for the pair of table lamps a co-worker listed on her registry ($100 per lamp, or $25 each). For a co-worker, I'd spend around $20; for a close friend or relative, around $50, for a shower present. The food for these is often brought by those in attendance, and is finger-food munchie kinds of things. ALSO... not everyone who is invited to a shower is invited to the wedding. Usually, anyone invited to the MOB/bridesmaids shower is invited to the wedding; other showers are given by friends, for their friend the bride (or groom, at work), because we want to celebrate in her/his good fortune and happiness.

Weddings... Who is invited? Whomever is on the invitation. It's not uncommon to invite only adults, or adults/teens to weddings. It's also not uncommon to invite the entire family. Basically, you read the names on the inner envelope of the invitation. It will have the names of those specifically invited, including if you can bring your children or a guest; if you're not listed on the inner envelope, you're not invited.

Usually weddings are held in a church, not excessively decorated- maybe a couple of floral arrangements on the altar (which are often transported to the reception site) and bows on the pews. There's usually a break of about an hour between the wedding and reception, giving the wedding party time for photos and the guests to get to the reception site (which is usually in a rented hall- VFW, KofC, etc, or in the function room at a restaurant or country club). This is the "cocktail hour" which usually is a cash bar (always think it's a big treat if it's an open bar) with munchies... chip/dip, veggies/dip, cheese and crackers, etc. Sometimes there are hot hors d'ouvres like mini-meatballs, pinwheel thingies, maybe chicken wings or cold shrimp. Usually punch, as well as coffee/tea, are available without charge. There's a table set off to the side for presents, and while there are usually a few wrapped gifts, it's mostly cards containing checks- sometimes gift cards, but usually checks. There also is usually a table with the guest book and seat cards, so you know which table you're seated at. (and these tables are often decorated with the flowers from the church... if they haven't been left at the church for the next service.) If there are "favors" (and there usually are), they are either attached to your place card or placed at your seat. People socialize while waiting for the bride and groom, and often there's a CD playing for background music. Once the happy couple arrives, everyone is seated, there's a toast by the best man (and sometimes MOH) accompanied by provided champagne (sometimes a bottle on the table, more usually glasses passed by wait staff), and dinner is served. The weddings I have been to have been 50:50 between buffet and plated, but you know in advance as you usually have to indicate on the reception card as to which entree you want for plated meals. Once again, there's background music, usually a CD. Usually there are rolls and salad on the table... sometimes an appetizer for a plated meal, but not for a buffet meal. If it's a cash bar wedding, there's usually a couple of bottles of wine on each table (or champagne) as part of the meal. Dessert is either served, or there's a dessert buffet. SOmetimes wedding cake is the dessert, but it isn't served until later, when the cake's cut.

As dinner draws to a close, usually a family member or member of the bridal party will give another toast, and the bride and groom will have their first dance. Dancing starts- bride w/her dad, then groom w/his mom- then everyone, along with the drinking (usually cash bar at this point, regardless what was offered during the cocktail hour, to slow people down) and having a blast. Music is usually a DJ (sometimes small band, sometimes just CDs, but usually a DJ playing a mix of dance music). Somewhere in here (usually after the staff has cleared the dishes and set out the coffee service) there's cake cutting, and if that's dessert, it'll be cut and served to the tables. If it's not dessert, it's usually cut and placed out in bags or boxes to take home. After some more dancing, if the bride/groom chooses, there will be the whole garter/bouquet thing. There's more dancing after this, but some people will start to leave- older relatives, families with kids, etc. The reception "wraps up" with the bridal couple, having changed to their "going away clothes," having the final dance, alone, while everyone stands around watching them.

There are some variations at the reception, usually based on heritage- Dollar Dances, for example, or dancing traditional dances (Horah, Polkas, or the Jewish tradition of hoisting the couple on chairs, for example), but this is pretty much how most weddings in our area happen. Also, sometimes the receptions are brunch buffets, for morning weddings, and these are less alcohol-and-dancing focused, and might offer mimosas and bloody marys rather than a traditional bar, and maybe not last as long. I have also been to weddings that are backyard parties/BBQs/cookouts, including being partially pot luck, but these are usually smaller, mostly-family gatherings rather than "traditional" wedding receptions. Sometimes "at home" weddings are more traditional, with catered meals. ALL outdoor weddings require a tent; New England weather is notoriously unpredictable! (My California friends didn't understand my concerns for my Maine wedding!)

We normally "give" our monetary wedding gift based on closeness to the happy couple, but $50 for friend's kids (if we don't know the kids... got the invite based on being friends with the bride's mom, for example), $75-100 for closer friends, maybe a bit more for closer relatives. I don't think we've ever given more than $125. It's what we can afford, especially if we have to travel to get to the wedding (but cost of travel doesn't reflect on what we give). Amount isn't adjusted to the type of reception, either. "Cover your plate" is an unheard-of concept here.

SO... that's the norm in my neck of the woods. Sorry it's so long but I wanted to be complete. What is the "wedding experience" like for you??

 

[lizabu]

Pretty much what you said with the exception that we try to gift enough to cover our plate. No one ever told me I had to but it seems to be as good a number as any to work with.

 

[indimom]

We're in rural Indiana, near the Ohio River.
Just attended my niece's wedding last weekend. It was very similar to our wedding 18 years ago. Customs haven't changed much over the years.

Showers - Typically one. Hosted by bridesmaids or siblings or mothers of the bride or groom. Sometimes there will be more than one if co-workers host a party or if the two sides of the family live far apart, etc. Low key events, usually held in homes or church basements, with finger food, cake and drinks. Gift registries are common.

Wedding: Typically about an hour long, in a church. Some outdoor or back yard weddings. Not often. Churches are cheap and guarantee a location no matter what the weather. Flower arrangements for the altar and first few rows of pews. Usually held in the early afternoon (1 p.m. to 4 p.m.?)

Following the wedding, guests are welcome to head straight to the reception, but do not expect the wedding party for 2-3 hours. During this time, the wedding party and immediate family take photos. Often the immediate family and wedding party will form a procession through town, honking horns and getting the same in return. (We're farm country, so these processions are often held on decorated wagons, tractors, horse-drawn carriages, etc. lol. Most people enjoy seeing the bride and groom and their wedding colors, etc.)

For those who arrive at the reception during this time, there are usually chips and drinks (pop, beer and wine primarily) available. Sometimes finger foods. When the wedding party arrives, they are announced one by one, more photos may be taken, and the couple greet their guests. Dinner around 6 or 7 p.m. ranges from buffets to plated meals, depending on the venue. Drinks are served all night.

There is generally a gift table. When we married, gifts were still quite common. But cards with cash tend to be the norm now. There are still a few gifts though.

Dinner concludes with toasts from the matron of honor and best man, and any others who want to speak. Over the next hour or so, the bride and groom will cut the cake and feed each other a bite (some still smash the cake, ugh), and toast the wedding.

The dance usually starts around 9 p.m. and may be a live band, dj, or both. Bride and groom dance first. Then, they dance with their parents. Then the entire wedding party and parents dance. After that the floor is typically open to the guests. Later in the evening, the bride will throw a bouquet and the groom will toss the garter (not every wedding, but still fairly often). I've seen dollar dances, but it's rare.

The reception typically concludes by midnight or 1 a.m. The bride and groom may leave before the party is over, depending on honeymoon plans. Obviously, we're still pretty country casual in my neck of the woods.

The biggest change since I married. Nearly every venue now requires a "real" (paid) bartender. When we were married, a family member would often tend bar and underage drinking was common. Not anymore.

 

[DisneyNutMary]

I'm in New York City, weddings in the NYC boroughs and the surrounding areas of Long Island and NJ are pretty much the same. Bridal shower is hosted by the bridesmaids and the mother of the bride, to include most, if not all females who are invited to the wedding. Where it is held is based on the budget, but they always involve some type of meal- I've been to bridal shower brunch, luncheon, dinners and backyard parties with catered cold cut or sandwich trays and crudités. Gifts are given from the brides registry, with family going all out with multiple items from the registry, friends tend to do more personal gifts of lingerie or gift baskets, and coworkers tend to chip in as groups or pairs on registry items. Usually cash gifts come from aunts and cousins the bride rarely sees- or who just plain hate to shop.

Weddings tend to take place in church, or at the venue, depending on the budget, family beliefs and personal preference. Church weddings I have been to tend to have a three to four hour gap between ceremony and reception...bridal party takes pictures, others go home to relax or to the brides or grooms parents homes for snacks and rest before the nights festivities. Receptions are held in catering halls, cocktail hour, open bar throughout, full meal with cake and Viennese table, band and/dj lots of partying, dancing, drinking and merry making. Weddings tend to be the happier of times that distant family and friends get together (funerals being the other occasion we see distant relatives) so we tend to party up at weddings and celebrate not only the bride and groom, but the togetherness of family and friends. Wedding gifts tend toward cash around here, it's more convenient to carry a card for the day, then a crystal vase, and the happy couple will go from table to table during reception meal time, greeting every single guest; it's easier to just hand over a card and a kiss, and know it was received, then to hand over a bulky box.

If you watch Real Housewives of NJ, you will remember the infamous Christening, where the fight broke out, that (usually minus the fight) is what weddings look like in my circle of family, neighbors and friends.

 

[BlovesC]

I don't really know the norms. I only attended a few family weddings back home in NJ before I moved to FL and suddenly started getting invited to one every other month. The magic of suddenly being old enough to have friends who are getting married! The weddings I've attended here in FL have all been so radically different I wouldn't be able to pinpoint any traditions.

I will say this: I don't understand big weddings. I didn't understand them before joining the DIS, and reading all the threads on them here has just confounded me further.

From what I've read, it seems that guests who don't know the couple well are reluctant to attend and go into the wedding hoping the food and drinks will make the experience worthwhile. Meanwhile, the couple hopes the monetary gift from these guests will be enough to cover the cost of the food and drinks. What is the point of that? Why spend so much money on a reception that you NEED to receive a certain amount back in cash gifts in order to not have 'wasted' money on guests who didn't want to come anyway? I've read so many posts here from the point of view of the couple and of the guest...they each seem to make the whole wedding out to be a business transaction. Who wants that?

My older sister had a big wedding when I was in HS. We have a very small family...her husband (now ex) had a very small family. My sister was determined to have no less than 125 guests. Of that number, around 28 were family members. My sister was literally inviting people she'd just met mere weeks before her wedding, in order to get to that number. The reception was relatively modest and still the whole wedding cost around 20k (this was 1999). They received around 3-4k back in gifts and were upset.

Naturally my view is quite biased because DH and I had a very small wedding three years ago and we loved every minute of it. We had 25 guests and felt surrounded by love and if we could repeat the event every year, we would!

 

[goofyintoronto]

Great thread! I've been to an enormous amount of weddings. Here's the norm in my area, my circle of friends and family (different cultures, asian, european, etc):

Bridal Showers: Usually thrown by the mother of the bride. Never been to a shower that was thrown soley by the bridesmaids/MOH. The MOH/bridesmaids is usually responsible for coordinating the games and prizes and also the giveaways/bonbonieres. I've only been to one bridal shower in someone's home. All other bridal showers i've been to have always been at a banquet hall or restaurant.

Weddings: We live in the "cover your plate" area. Always been this way. At the very minimum, we give $200 per couple. I've only seen a couple of people give actual gifts at weddings, its always been cash.
After the church ceremony its customary for the brides parents to host a luncheon either in the church hall or at their home. They invite their closest friends and family, or everyone, depending on the amount of people.

Whoever is on the envelope is invited, nobody more. I've been at weddings where it was adults only, and thats fine. Never had an issue with it.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm in New York City, weddings in the NYC boroughs and the surrounding areas of Long Island and NJ are pretty much the same. Bridal shower is hosted by the bridesmaids and the mother of the bride, to include most, if not all females who are invited to the wedding. Where it is held is based on the budget, but they always involve some type of meal- I've been to bridal shower brunch, luncheon, dinners and backyard parties with catered cold cut or sandwich trays and crudités. Gifts are given from the brides registry, with family going all out with multiple items from the registry, friends tend to do more personal gifts of lingerie or gift baskets, and coworkers tend to chip in as groups or pairs on registry items. Usually cash gifts come from aunts and cousins the bride rarely sees- or who just plain hate to shop.

Weddings tend to take place in church, or at the venue, depending on the budget, family beliefs and personal preference. Church weddings I have been to tend to have a three to four hour gap between ceremony and reception...bridal party takes pictures, others go home to relax or to the brides or grooms parents homes for snacks and rest before the nights festivities. Receptions are held in catering halls, cocktail hour, open bar throughout, full meal with cake and Viennese table, band and/dj lots of partying, dancing, drinking and merry making. Weddings tend to be the happier of times that distant family and friends get together (funerals being the other occasion we see distant relatives) so we tend to party up at weddings and celebrate not only the bride and groom, but the togetherness of family and friends. Wedding gifts tend toward cash around here, it's more convenient to carry a card for the day, then a crystal vase, and the happy couple will go from table to table during reception meal time, greeting every single guest; it's easier to just hand over a card and a kiss, and know it was received, then to hand over a bulky box.

If you watch Real Housewives of NJ, you will remember the infamous Christening, where the fight broke out, that (usually minus the fight) is what weddings look like in my circle of family, neighbors and friends.

This! Speaking of Real Housewives of NJ, dd17 went to a Sweet 16 at the Brownstone, and last year, the 8th graders had their end of the year dance there. So, our weddings are really over the top! Most people I know really enjoy them - they are lots of fun (and the food...).

 

[barkley]

only been to one wedding here, the bulk were in northern California.

showers-never attended one thrown by or hosted by mother of the bride or groom (back in the 60's and 70's it was considered 'tacky'), usualy hosted by moh/bridesmaids/sister/future sil. not big events, just gatherings at someone's home. often the bigger shower is the one people get at their workplace.

one BIG exception-with some of the cultures a shower is absolutely out, it's unthinkable and to hold one would 'bring shame' on the family of the bride (goes back to the practice of the dowry presented by the bride's family to the groom's, and to have to go outside the immediate family let alone hold an event to get items for this purpose indicates (1) immediate family is financially lacking, and (2) the bride is so undesirable a marriage prospect that the dowry exceeds normal expectations (I had some co-workers who held this belief).


weddings-as different as the couples that were to be married. larger ones held at country clubs (though I never heard of the concept of 'covering your plate' until I saw it on the dis), wineries, the beach, churches (and especially ones that had reception halls on site so you didn't have to travel).

never went to a wedding with a cash bar. receptions start right after the wedding, though you can usually count on an hour or so wait for the couple to arrive (photos).

gifts-it's up to the individual. some do cash (don't know of any monetary expectation standard), some do physical gifts (esp. with the advent of on-line registries). when I married in '91 it was about 50/50 on those who sent the gift ahead of time to the bride's home vs. those who brought them to the reception.


out of curiosity-how do people know how much to gift in 'cover your plate' regions? do the parents of the b/g commonly share this information? or do people just guestimate? fascinates me because back in the day I did weddings for a very popular wine country wedding venue-and the per plate cost varied greatly depending on how many attended (more guests=lower per plate cost), and if you could get our hotel rooms booked with guests (minimum number of rooms booked the bigger the discount-basically a percentage of the cost of the food was passed on to the guests who were lodging with us via their lodging rate) you reduced the per plate cost further.

 

[mhsjax]

only been to one wedding here, the bulk were in northern California.

showers-never attended one thrown by or hosted by mother of the bride or groom (back in the 60's and 70's it was considered 'tacky'), usualy hosted by moh/bridesmaids/sister/future sil. not big events, just gatherings at someone's home. often the bigger shower is the one people get at their workplace.

one BIG exception-with some of the cultures a shower is absolutely out, it's unthinkable and to hold one would 'bring shame' on the family of the bride (goes back to the practice of the dowry presented by the bride's family to the groom's, and to have to go outside the immediate family let alone hold an event to get items for this purpose indicates (1) immediate family is financially lacking, and (2) the bride is so undesirable a marriage prospect that the dowry exceeds normal expectations (I had some co-workers who held this belief).


weddings-as different as the couples that were to be married. larger ones held at country clubs (though I never heard of the concept of 'covering your plate' until I saw it on the dis), wineries, the beach, churches (and especially ones that had reception halls on site so you didn't have to travel).

never went to a wedding with a cash bar. receptions start right after the wedding, though you can usually count on an hour or so wait for the couple to arrive (photos).

gifts-it's up to the individual. some do cash (don't know of any monetary expectation standard), some do physical gifts (esp. with the advent of on-line registries). when I married in '91 it was about 50/50 on those who sent the gift ahead of time to the bride's home vs. those who brought them to the reception.


out of curiosity-how do people know how much to gift in 'cover your plate' regions? do the parents of the b/g commonly share this information? or do people just guestimate? fascinates me because back in the day I did weddings for a very popular wine country wedding venue-and the per plate cost varied greatly depending on how many attended (more guests=lower per plate cost), and if you could get our hotel rooms booked with guests (minimum number of rooms booked the bigger the discount-basically a percentage of the cost of the food was passed on to the guests who were lodging with us via their lodging rate) you reduced the per plate cost further.

I was going to respond as you did on the shower thing. When I was growing up a mother would NEVER do a shower for her daughter, that was considered tacky to the extreme. It was done by brides maids or friends.

Weddings, I have been to "church weddings and the reception is in the church, but mostly I have been to formal sit down dinner weddings with alcohol being served. I have had a great time at these weddings, but that is because I was close to the couple. I would never go to a wedding where I really wasn't emotionally invested in them. Way too much money and time for me to spend on someone that I don't really know or care about. I also never heard of this "covering your plate" nonsense until I saw it here on the Dis.

 

[aprilgail2]

Typically the bridal party does the shower- mothers are really not supposed to throw showers or their daughters. Any female invited to the wedding is invited to the shower and you never ever invite someone to the shower that you are not inviting to the wedding!

A typical wedding menu here is like this one- http://www.bridgeviewyachtclub.com/pdfs/wedding.pdf

 

[goofyintoronto]

Typically the bridal party does the shower- mothers are really not supposed to throw showers or their daughters. Any female invited to the wedding is invited to the shower and you never ever invite someone to the shower that you are not inviting to the wedding!

A typical wedding menu here is like this one- http://www.bridgeviewyachtclub.com/pdfs/wedding.pdf

x2! Exactly this. Except my shower experiences have been quite the opposite. I've never attended a shower that was thrown by the bridesmaids/MOH. Always by the mom of the bride. Of course the bridesmaids/moh help quite a bit, but thats as far as it goes. Thats just how its always been around here.

 

[pigletgirl]

Grew up the in southwest (AZ) and I have been to many weddings over the years for distant relatives and friends. Everyone has been all over the board when it comes to their special day. The ones who had a more conservative celebration were scrutinized more than those who spent a good chunk of change. It's hard to compare what everyone has done because taste and tradition vary widely.

 

[Sorsha]

We're in rural Indiana, near the Ohio River.
Just attended my niece's wedding last weekend. It was very similar to our wedding 18 years ago. Customs haven't changed much over the years.

Showers - Typically one. Hosted by bridesmaids or siblings or mothers of the bride or groom. Sometimes there will be more than one if co-workers host a party or if the two sides of the family live far apart, etc. Low key events, usually held in homes or church basements, with finger food, cake and drinks. Gift registries are common.

Wedding: Typically about an hour long, in a church. Some outdoor or back yard weddings. Not often. Churches are cheap and guarantee a location no matter what the weather. Flower arrangements for the altar and first few rows of pews. Usually held in the early afternoon (1 p.m. to 4 p.m.?)

Following the wedding, guests are welcome to head straight to the reception, but do not expect the wedding party for 2-3 hours. During this time, the wedding party and immediate family take photos. Often the immediate family and wedding party will form a procession through town, honking horns and getting the same in return. (We're farm country, so these processions are often held on decorated wagons, tractors, horse-drawn carriages, etc. lol. Most people enjoy seeing the bride and groom and their wedding colors, etc.)

For those who arrive at the reception during this time, there are usually chips and drinks (pop, beer and wine primarily) available. Sometimes finger foods. When the wedding party arrives, they are announced one by one, more photos may be taken, and the couple greet their guests. Dinner around 6 or 7 p.m. ranges from buffets to plated meals, depending on the venue. Drinks are served all night.

There is generally a gift table. When we married, gifts were still quite common. But cards with cash tend to be the norm now. There are still a few gifts though.

Dinner concludes with toasts from the matron of honor and best man, and any others who want to speak. Over the next hour or so, the bride and groom will cut the cake and feed each other a bite (some still smash the cake, ugh), and toast the wedding.

The dance usually starts around 9 p.m. and may be a live band, dj, or both. Bride and groom dance first. Then, they dance with their parents. Then the entire wedding party and parents dance. After that the floor is typically open to the guests. Later in the evening, the bride will throw a bouquet and the groom will toss the garter (not every wedding, but still fairly often). I've seen dollar dances, but it's rare.

The reception typically concludes by midnight or 1 a.m. The bride and groom may leave before the party is over, depending on honeymoon plans. Obviously, we're still pretty country casual in my neck of the woods.

The biggest change since I married. Nearly every venue now requires a "real" (paid) bartender. When we were married, a family member would often tend bar and underage drinking was common. Not anymore.

I am in NW Montana, up near Glacier Park, and I could have written this almost verbatim. Except for the wedding party forming a procession through town; I have never seen anyone do that.

The last wedding I went to, this summer, was a friend of my DD19. The couple was married in her parent's backyard in the afternoon, by the pastor of her church. The groom wore a 3-piece suit, the groomsmen wore black slacks, dress shirts in the color of the bridesmaids' dresses, and black ties. The bride wore a traditional wedding dress, her maids wore semi-formal dresses.

Flowers were arranged, and the backyard decorated by one of the bride's sisters, another sister made the cake. Professional pictures were taken after the wedding. The reception was held in the recreation hall of the bride's church. Dinner was served, and food was potluck-style. There was a gift-registry, but giving anything you wanted was ok too - the registry was just to give ideas to people who weren't sure what the couple wanted or needed.

There was no alcohol (the couple was not of legal drinking age yet), there was a DJ playing recorded music, and there was dancing.

The bridal shower was hosted by the bride's family, and was pretty traditional. The groom, being NOT of the Bachelor Party type, got together with his friends and just had a celebration involving video games, pizza, and a few joke gifts.

You might say, "oh, it was done this way because they are young" but that's not the case. Every wedding I have been to in the last 25 years, including my own, worked pretty much the same way. We are pretty frugal types, and don't stand on ceremony. It's more about having fun and celebrating the occasion with friends and loved ones.

 

[mjkacmom]

I was going to respond as you did on the shower thing. When I was growing up a mother would NEVER do a shower for her daughter, that was considered tacky to the extreme. It was done by brides maids or friends.
.

It used to be this way, but today, many times the bridesmaids don't even live in the same state as the bride. I only had 2 local bridesmaids, since my sister and SIL lived out of state, as did a good friend from HS, and a good friend from college. People get married later, and have moved on (a lot of people remain in the state they go to college in).

I went back to my hometown after college, but most don't.

 

[PelletierBears]

x2! Exactly this. Except my shower experiences have been quite the opposite. I've never attended a shower that was thrown by the bridesmaids/MOH. Always by the mom of the bride. Of course the bridesmaids/moh help quite a bit, but thats as far as it goes. Thats just how its always been around here.

My DH and I have been married for 20 years and back then mother's of the bride (in our area) would not host the bridal shower. I've seen mother's getting more involved in the last several years and my guess is it's due to the financial limitations of the moh and bridemaids. Being in a wedding party is expensive and can be a burden especially if the bridal party is small. My DD is only 17 but she's been telling me she wants a small private wedding (hopefully her future husband will agree ) but I would help with the shower if that wasn't the case. I would not want her attendants to have to worry over every dollar and cut corners if I was in the position to help. Now having said that, I would never host a shower for my daughter.



While I agree with most of what the OP said, I do feel the dollar amounts for the wedding gift listed by the OP are a bit low for the Boston area. 20 years ago the norm was $100 per couple. I don't worry about covering my plate cause I have no idea of the cost and prices vary from venue to venue but for a neice / nephew for instance I wouldn't give less than $150 (probably give $200)


One change I'm really glad to see is that it's no longer standard to invite everyone and their mother! Years ago you were expected to invite all your cousins, 2nd cousins, great aunts and uncles (that you never met!) to your wedding. Your parents would invite all their friends and maybe even co-workers! There were people at my wedding neither my husband nor I knew and it was the same for all our friends and cousins when they got married. Most of my cousins (I have 36!) and siblings (3) had weddings of 200+ guests. The mother's (on both sides) wouldn't want to leave anyone out for fear of hurting their feelings. Well that makes for an expensive wedding and with more and more couples paying their own way it makes sense to cut down the guest list. So glad to not have to attend affairs for people I barely know!!!

 

[mhsjax]

It used to be this way, but today, many times the bridesmaids don't even live in the same state as the bride. I only had 2 local bridesmaids, since my sister and SIL lived out of state, as did a good friend from HS, and a good friend from college. People get married later, and have moved on (a lot of people remain in the state they go to college in).

I went back to my hometown after college, but most don't.

I could see where that would happen, but I have to believe that there is someone in the same town , other than the mom, that could give a shower. I mean I am sure that the mom would "help" but I still don't see it as a good thing for the mom to give a shower.

YOu said you had 2 local bridesmaids, that is enough to handle giving the shower if you have "help" from others such as the mom, but the mom shouldn't be noted as "giving" the shower, to me it is still in very poor taste.

 

[Mkrop]

Southeastern PA...outside of Philly, so have attended most weddings in the Philly area/South Jersey area. A few in NE PA for fmaily but they havent been too different.

Moms AND bridesmaids host showers, they can be at someone's home or at a restuarant or hall. Mine was a brunch at a country club that allowed nonmembers to have events. My bridesmaids could never afforded to throw me a shower.

Most of my friends are Catholic so most of the weddings I have gone to have been Catholic but not all.

So most start in Church with a 2pmish ceremony and Mass. Then people venture to the reception usually held at a hotel or banquet hall or country club. Weddding party goes for pictures during the cocktail hour, sometimes there is a gap. We have gone to bars to kill time btw the two events.

Most are sit down or plated. We are a cover your plate area. Now with the Internet it is easy to find out how much something costs, so you have a ballpark figure to work with.


Couple is announced and had their first dance, bride dances with dad, groom with mom, wedding party dances, then the toasts. Then dinner is served. After dinner, the party begins with band or dj. Open bars are the norm. Lots of fun dancing with bouquet tosses thrown in along the way. DH's family is very Polish and they are big on the Dollar Dances....I did not have one.

Cake is served as dessert sometime during the night, there may or may not be an addl dessert table.

 

[Planogirl]

Weddings haven't all been the same over the years. They do tend to follow certain trends though.

Showers are usually given by family members and tend to be small and at someone's home. They usually involve finger food and embarrassing games.

Most have had bachelor and bachelorette parties. I haven't been to a bachelor party of course but the bachelorette party usually involved piling into a limo and then going to a nice restaurant or club or even a strip joint.

The wedding itself might be in a family's home or yard or a church or a hall just for such an occasion. The receptions might also be in the same location or at a club or hotel facility. If at a club or hotel there will likely be a cash bar. Those at homes or halls tend to serve only champagne and maybe beer and wine with a cash bar being available at times and not at other times.

ETA: I have very rarely been to a wedding where a full meal was served. There has been snack food and quite often just cake. Receptions at the hotels and bars often included a buffet but they were never fancy sit-down events.

 

[barkley]

Southeastern PA...outside of Philly, so have attended most weddings in the Philly area/South Jersey area. A few in NE PA for fmaily but they havent been too different.

Moms AND bridesmaids host showers, they can be at someone's home or at a restuarant or hall. Mine was a brunch at a country club that allowed nonmembers to have events. My bridesmaids could never afforded to throw me a shower.

Most of my friends are Catholic so most of the weddings I have gone to have been Catholic but not all.

So most start in Church with a 2pmish ceremony and Mass. Then people venture to the reception usually held at a hotel or banquet hall or country club. Weddding party goes for pictures during the cocktail hour, sometimes there is a gap. We have gone to bars to kill time btw the two events.

Most are sit down or plated. We are a cover your plate area. Now with the Internet it is easy to find out how much something costs, so you have a ballpark figure to work with.


Couple is announced and had their first dance, bride dances with dad, groom with mom, wedding party dances, then the toasts. Then dinner is served. After dinner, the party begins with band or dj. Open bars are the norm. Lots of fun dancing with bouquet tosses thrown in along the way. DH's family is very Polish and they are big on the Dollar Dances....I did not have one.

Cake is served as dessert sometime during the night, there may or may not be an addl dessert table.

never attended a wedding with a dollar dance UNTIL the movie 'the godfather' premiered-then it became kind of a fad for awhile in our neck of the woods.

recently we've seen these 'trees' at weddings-a branch realy, usualy stuck into a vase and covered with clothes pins. there's usualy a designated decorated box or other container for depositing cards holding cash gifts, so this appears to be something above and beyond. I do NOT care for the ones that have 'pleas' for assistance on them-photos of their honeymoon destination with a sign reading "please help us get to our dream destination" (um, you're supposed to fly out tonight-I hope you already budgeted for the return flight), or my fav a photo of an empty apartment with a small pile of boxes and a sleeping bag rolled out with "please help us furnish our new home" (REALY??? isn't that what the wedding/shower gift was intended for?)-both of these were present at one wedding we attended and some of the guest were commenting that the bride and groom were going to need to decide which was more important, their destination honeymoon or a bed to sleep on when they got home

 

[TinkerBelled]

Weddings amongst my friends vary, as we all live in different places. However, there are some things they have in common: the couple tended to be in their very late 20s or early 30s and all were in the mid-Atlantic/north-east or the UK.

Weddings tend to be in non-religious venues, though they may well have their minister/pastor/rabbi act as officiant. Many of the venues have been outside, though certainly not all. I've been to one wedding at a church in the past five years; that reception was in a tent at a nearby farm.

Only one of the weddings I've been to has had a shower, which I believe was hosted by the maid of honor. I've been to a couple bachelorette parties, which are generally just going to a restaurant or bar with friends, almost always mixed gender.

Most of my friends have their wedding in the same location as their reception, which means there's no real gap between ceremony and reception. Generally the reception starts with a cocktail/hors d'oeuvres hour, during which photos are taken on site.

Weddings are almost all sit-down and open-bar. The meal itself has rotated between buffet, served, and family-style, but it's a full meal. The meal is generally followed by lots of dancing--weddings have lasted anywhere from six to twelve hours. None have been with a cash bar, though one was beer-and-wine only.

They've ranged in formality from very informal to black tie. I should say that a couple of my friends got married on their own at the courthouse, without any wedding at all, though they had a party later.

Most of the wedding parties are untraditional in some sense: either mixed gender, unbalanced (i.e. more on one side than the other), or both. In many cases, the couple isn't announced, and when they are, they're alone and not with the whole wedding party (that's only happened once). Parent-child dances are very common, as are first dances, but there are no theme dances (dollar dances, garters, etc.). Several have been with live bands, the rest with DJs.

Most people give gifts from the registry, at a variety of levels. It's quite common to have a charity as a registry/gift option, and probably a third of people just give checks. Many of my friends are at points of their careers without a huge amount of disposable income, and gift amounts vary across a wide range (from under $25 to well over $1,000).

I would say, in sum, that these wedding put a lot of emphasis on a wonderful, communal event that reflected the personality of the couple. They were, on the whole, enormously fun.