Wearing Red to a Funeral (inspired by the "strictly black" thread)

[Maleficent13]

Someone on the wearing strictly black to funerals thread mentioned they were going to wear a red dress to a funeral specifically to show disrespect to the deceased (it wasn't phrased exactly that way, but that was the intent as I read it).

So I'm curious...anyone here ever done/thought of doing that?

Since I posed the question, I'll go first: I have someone who used to be in my life about whom I always said I would wear red to his funeral, specifically to show disrespect to him. This is a man who deliberately and focusedly set out to ruin both my life and my mother's (old business partner). It's a very long story, but let's just say there aren't enough levels to Dante's Hell for him. And if I had the heads up about the funeral, I'd blow the budget on a low cut, high slit, lipstick red dress and stroll right in there in 5 inch stilettos. Heck, I've even considered going with one of those really long cigarette holders for effect too, even though I don't smoke.

I'm not usually a vengeful person, but this guy is beyond the boundries of normal social interaction.

 

[snoopy]

I don't have that level of hatred for anyone, thank God. My life has been relatively free of those type of relationships, however, I had a cousin die who did some really horrible things to me. I always thought that when she died, I'd not feel any remorse, but the opposite was true. All I felt was sad, and a little bit relieved that her suffering had ended, truth be told. I had no desire to show disrespect by wearing red to her funeral.

I wouldn't be opposed to wearing red to a funeral though....when my mother died, people came that we hadn't seen in years. I can't tell you what any of them were wearing, but I can tell you who came.....I'm forever indebted to those people who took the time to show their respects.

 

[poohandwendy]

Since I posed the question, I'll go first: I have someone who used to be in my life about whom I always said I would wear red to his funeral, specifically to show disrespect to him. This is a man who deliberately and focusedly set out to ruin both my life and my mother's (old business partner). It's a very long story, but let's just say there aren't enough levels to Dante's Hell for him. And if I had the heads up about the funeral, I'd blow the budget on a low cut, high slit, lipstick red dress and stroll right in there in 5 inch stilettos. Heck, I've even considered going with one of those really long cigarette holders for effect too, even though I don't smoke.

I'm not usually a vengeful person, but this guy is beyond the boundries of normal social interaction.
__________________

LOL, do what you want, but wearing red to someones funeral does nothing to the person lying in the casket (they won't even know you did it)...but does give off a message about the person who would attend just to make a point.

The only people you may be disrespecting are his grieving relatives. Not sure that would be something I would feel comfortable doing, no matter how much I disliked the deceased.

 

[CEDmom]

I guess I'm fortunate that I've haven't crossed paths with anyone so horrible as to want to disrespect them after they're dead. I don't really see myself doing something like that though. Also, to be honest if someone took the time to come to a funeral for one of my relatives/close friends I wouldn't care if they were in their pj's.

 

[BeckyEsq]

Someone on the wearing strictly black to funerals thread mentioned they were going to wear a red dress to a funeral specifically to show disrespect to the deceased (it wasn't phrased exactly that way, but that was the intent as I read it).

So I'm curious...anyone here ever done/thought of doing that?

Since I posed the question, I'll go first: I have someone who used to be in my life about whom I always said I would wear red to his funeral, specifically to show disrespect to him. This is a man who deliberately and focusedly set out to ruin both my life and my mother's (old business partner). It's a very long story, but let's just say there aren't enough levels to Dante's Hell for him. And if I had the heads up about the funeral, I'd blow the budget on a low cut, high slit, lipstick red dress and stroll right in there in 5 inch stilettos. Heck, I've even considered going with one of those really long cigarette holders for effect too, even though I don't smoke.

I'm not usually a vengeful person, but this guy is beyond the boundries of normal social interaction.

I can't imagine even going to a funeral for someone I felt that way about. To me, attending a funeral is about showing respect for the deceased, and/or to his or her family and loved ones. What you are describing would accomplish neither. I think that your absence would make a much stronger statement and say much more about your character than what you have described. Honestly, if I saw someone dressed that way at a funeral (low cut and high slit -- I think red is fine otherwise), it would never even occur to me that it was meant to be a statement against the deceased, but rather I would think this person had terrible fashion sense, or worse. And anyway, even if you feel vengeful towards the deceased, shouldn't you refrain from doing anything that would be hurtful or embarrassing to his survivors, who may have done nothing to you?

 

[orangeblossom]

There is someone I would be tempted to do that to, but I wouldn't because it would hurt their survivors more than it would ever hurt them since they're not there to see it.

 

[Chicago526]

While I understand your feelings, you will only upset any relatives that might be there, and that isn't fair to them.

They say the best revenge is living well. I'd try to forget the man ever existed and just go on with your life, being as happy and joyfull as you can. That, to me, would be the best revenge against someone that sounds like they were so unhappy with their own life, that they had to try and ruin other's.

 

[Maleficent13]

The only people you may be disrespecting are his grieving relatives. Not sure that would be something I would feel comfortable doing, no matter how much I disliked the deceased.

The man will have no grieving relatives. The only person he's related to is his mother, and he was arrested six months ago for beating the crap out of her in a domestic dispute (she's 70+). So I'm not sure how much she'll be grieving.

I'm willing to take the flames, since I started it...but I did want to say that you all are very lucky not to have run into someone in your lives who was so purely evil. I mean that sincerely; I wish I never had.

 

[eeyore kelly]

double post..............................sorry

 

[eeyore kelly]

As much as I "dislike" my MIL, and as much as I think she deserves the old "spit in the eye" at her funeral, it would hurt my DH. So, when she dies, I will be the picture of decorum and good taste. My DH deserves my respect for his grieving. He certainly never had any from my MIL.

 

[BeckyEsq]

The man will have no grieving relatives. The only person he's related to is his mother, and he was arrested six months ago for beating the crap out of her in a domestic dispute (she's 70+). So I'm not sure how much she'll be grieving.

I'm willing to take the flames, since I started it...but I did want to say that you all are very lucky not to have run into someone in your lives who was so purely evil. I mean that sincerely; I wish I never had.

He may not have any relatives, but you don't know for sure whether there won't be someone there who is grieving for this man. Maybe they saw another side of him, maybe they loved him from afar . . . but there could be someone who could be very hurt by your actions whether it is apparent to you or not.

As for his mother, the fact that he has been cruel to her does not mean that at least some part of her will not be grieving the loss of her child. In this case, she may be agonizing over her failures as a mother to have raised a person like this, and it would be unkind to remind her of the kind of person he was on the occasion of his burial. I find it hard to believe that any mother would not be saddened by the loss of a child, even if that child did not turn out the way she planned.

As for the fact that he was an evil person, does that justify evil behavior on your part? As my grandmother was fond of saying, two wrongs do not make a right.

Is this man dying? I have to say that the fact you are fantasizing about his funeral is really not healthy. It is a shame that the things he did to you have scarred you so much that you cannot let them go . . . maybe you should see a therapist about this (I am saying this in all kindness, not to flame you).

 

[ChrisnSteph]

If you despise or have no respect for the person who died, then don't attend the funeral. Wearing something inappropriate to a funeral doesn't just show disrespect, it shows no class.

 

[snowball22]

I knew someone who hated her MIL. When her MIL died, she showed up to the funeral wearing a bright red dress, red shoes and a red bow in her hair. My eyes about popped out of my head when I saw her. Because of this, the funeral turned into a circus as everyone was now gossiping about the woman in red.

 

[inaminute]

Wearing red like the OP describes just seems to scream, "see what you missed." Is that the message you really want to send?

If I wanted to be disrespectful, I'd simply not go to the funeral.

My stepfather was pretty bad about going out of his way to make my life (and those of others) miserable. If I had to come up with someone who was evil, it would be him. This is a guy who, four weeks after my sister lost her six week old son quipped, "Aren't you over that yet?" There were many, many other comments and some things that people just wouldn't believe. Things I still can't believe and wonder how I didn't know. Things that were truly evil.

I stayed away from his funeral. I went about my business as if he never existed. Actually three out of five of us stayed away. Four of his biological children didn't bother attending either. I've never regretted my choice--and I've tried.

Now, if I WERE to wear red to a funeral, it would be to my husband's! He tells me all the time how great I look in red. It's his favorite color on me. So, yeah, I'd wear red to a funeral. But not to be disrespectul.

 

[CajunDixie]

If I hated the person then I'd not waste a single minute of my life going to the funeral in the first place. As for wearing red How will anyone know if you're wearing red to please the person (maybe because they had once told you they hated the idea of everyone wearing dark colors) or to show disrespect?

 

[ChristmasElf]

This has been a very enlightening thread. As one of the posters to the other thread that wanted to wear red to her MIl's funeral, I am somewhat relieved to see that I am not alone in this world of miserable MIL's.

I feel that I have never done 1 thing wrong to this woman (other than marrying her son) and do not deserve all the aggravation she has posed over the years. Neither do my children. She is just a miserable soul and nothing else.

But, I never did consider what the others would think.
Guess I will have to re-think my plans.

Maybe another color with a red belt? DH could wear a black suit with a RED tie!

 

[poohandwendy]

The thing that is funny is that very few people at a funeral would associate a woman wearing what the OP describes as a show of displeasure to the deceased. If I saw a woman wearing what the OP described at a funeral, my first thought would not be "I wonder what bad thing the dead guy did to this woman", it would be "Who brought the prostitute?"

 

[Maleficent13]

Oh, believe me, everyone at this guy's funeral would get my point. He HATED female sexuality in all its forms. Basically hates women, period. Thus the beating the crap out of his mom.

To answer someone else, no, he's not dying. This was just a hypothetical. I doubt I'll even be aware of it if/when he does die.

And I don't think a healthy dose of hatred requires counseling. As a matter of fact, it was a counselor that got me to admit I DID hate him...and that it was okay that I did. At first I was so racked with guilt over actually having that depth of dislike for him that I was making myself sick. A counselor is the one who helped me realize that I didn't have to like everyone...I could go ahead and hate him and still be okay with myself.

It's a family board, so I really can't post what he did, exactly. But if anyone really wants to know that badly, PM me and I'll hit the highlights for ya.

 

[BeckyEsq]

If you're just fantasizing about it and not planning to actually do it, I think that's fine.

 

[my3princesses]

I work at a funeral home and have seen it all. It is rather sad that our director sometimes needs to give us a "low down" on the family and "who is not allowed to sit here or there" or "who is not speaking to who" however death is part of living and everyone has a right to grieve whether friend or foe. The unfortunate part of visitations and the funeral service is that the family is generally exhausted by the end of it. Causing unnecessary strife is just in bad taste and doing something as what was suggested would do quite the opposite of "making a point" as the only point taken will be that this person is very unconsiderate. No matter what anyone has done, funerals are not the place to prove points.
In regards to clothing, I have seen everything and anything goes. It largely depends on the family as well. If the family is easy going than even jeans would work (but not suggested). I have seen all colours and as a previous poster said people quite often do not remember what you wore but that you were there.
Our policy for staff is to wear a black jacket and black pants or skirts that are below the knee. Sometimes I will wear a blouse with some colour (light blue or yellow) depending on the family, but our job is to show respect to everyone involved. We have buried people wearing their favourite sweatshirt and jeans and I agree that if the person was never comfortable in a suit than you should have them wear something appropriate.
Again it's sad that someone uses this occasion to prove one last point and think they will get the last laugh.