Warning....vent ahead! He just doesn't get it!

[pjlla]

OKay.... just need to vent for a minute. Feel free to just keep clicking.

DH tells me as he dashes out the door for a day trip out of state for work, that his car is going into the shop today (he will be getting a loaner for the day) and there needs to be money in the account to pay for the repair today.... 5 days before pay day during a month when he KNOWS things are tight!! He estimates repair will be at least $1,000!!!!!!!!!!

I've gone on and on to him in the past two weeks about why we are eating these strange combinations of foods from the freezer and pantry and why DS is drinking water instead of milk and why I bought a dozen eggs with quarters from the change bucket the other day. There is no money left for groceries this month (well, without digging into other areas of the budget or savings). We have already had one LARGE unexpected car repair bill this month (same car $900.... ) and he had a large load of organic compost delivered for the new raised beds he put in ($563). So that is it.... that is where the grocery money went!

What was most infuriating was that he seemed to get mad at me! WHY?? Because I groaned and made a face when he told me about the repair bill. Well.... where does he think this money is going to come from?? I don't have a magic money tree in the back yard! THis means I am pulling this money either from savings (emergency savings or college savings or Christmas savings). And he asked about the overdraft protection kicking in (which gave us a HUGE surcharge/feewhen it happened in the past) and I reminded him that he told me to REMOVE the overdraft protection from the checking account because of that fee so if the money isn't there, the card will get denied. And I told him I'd go to the bank today (since he is just telling me about this today) on my way to work tonight and he made a big fuss about how the money won't show up in the account for a few days.... which is NOT TRUE since I will be depositing CASH into the checking account. As long as I do it before 5 pm and I tell the bank to make sure it is deposited as CASH, it will show up immediately. Plus, if he had told me a few days ago about this, I could have made the deposit a few days ago!!!!!!!!!!!!

ERRHHHHGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! You know, I took over control of the checking account and savings many years ago when we were first married because he was a terrible procrastinator with paying bills and a terrible budgeter/saver. So why is he STILL questioning me????

Okay.... deep breath. I will say this.... overall, as a married couple, we fight over/about money WAAAAAYYY less than average. Neither of us has any really terrible money habits (but I know we have different "priorities" with money and savings). He has been the main bread winner for our entire married life (I was a SAHM with just a tiny income for many years and work part time/per diem for the past 10 years), so he is totally entitled to his say with how/where the money goes. But this was just a big frustration this morning that 5 days before pay day (he get paid monthly) during a month when he KNOWS things are really tight, he expects that I can come up with $1200 for a car repair out of NOWHERE! And yes, the car could have waited a few more days/weeks... it is running and driveable.... plus we have a "spare" car at home right now, since DD is abroad and her car is here.

OKAY.... vent over. THanks for listening! ................P

 

[jerseygal]

OKay.... just need to vent for a minute. Feel free to just keep clicking.

DH tells me as he dashes out the door for a day trip out of state for work, that his car is going into the shop today (he will be getting a loaner for the day) and there needs to be money in the account to pay for the repair today.... 5 days before pay day during a month when he KNOWS things are tight!! He estimates repair will be at least $1,000!!!!!!!!!!

I've gone on and on to him in the past two weeks about why we are eating these strange combinations of foods from the freezer and pantry and why DS is drinking water instead of milk and why I bought a dozen eggs with quarters from the change bucket the other day. There is no money left for groceries this month (well, without digging into other areas of the budget or savings). We have already had one LARGE unexpected car repair bill this month (same car $900.... ) and he had a large load of organic compost delivered for the new raised beds he put in ($563). So that is it.... that is where the grocery money went!

What was most infuriating was that he seemed to get mad at me! WHY?? Because I groaned and made a face when he told me about the repair bill. Well.... where does he think this money is going to come from?? I don't have a magic money tree in the back yard! THis means I am pulling this money either from savings (emergency savings or college savings or Christmas savings). And he asked about the overdraft protection kicking in (which gave us a HUGE surcharge/feewhen it happened in the past) and I reminded him that he told me to REMOVE the overdraft protection from the checking account because of that fee so if the money isn't there, the card will get denied. And I told him I'd go to the bank today (since he is just telling me about this today) on my way to work tonight and he made a big fuss about how the money won't show up in the account for a few days.... which is NOT TRUE since I will be depositing CASH into the checking account. As long as I do it before 5 pm and I tell the bank to make sure it is deposited as CASH, it will show up immediately. Plus, if he had told me a few days ago about this, I could have made the deposit a few days ago!!!!!!!!!!!!

ERRHHHHGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! You know, I took over control of the checking account and savings many years ago when we were first married because he was a terrible procrastinator with paying bills and a terrible budgeter/saver. So why is he STILL questioning me????

Okay.... deep breath. I will say this.... overall, as a married couple, we fight over/about money WAAAAAYYY less than average. Neither of us has any really terrible money habits (but I know we have different "priorities" with money and savings). He has been the main bread winner for our entire married life (I was a SAHM with just a tiny income for many years and work part time/per diem for the past 10 years), so he is totally entitled to his say with how/where the money goes. But this was just a big frustration this morning that 5 days before pay day (he get paid monthly) during a month when he KNOWS things are really tight, he expects that I can come up with $1200 for a car repair out of NOWHERE! And yes, the car could have waited a few more days/weeks... it is running and driveable.... plus we have a "spare" car at home right now, since DD is abroad and her car is here.

OKAY.... vent over. THanks for listening! ................P

Hope that you are having a better day!
All that I will say that in this case "organic compost" for mulch is a LUXURY!
Just my two cents!

 

[pjlla]

Hope that you are having a better day!
All that I will say that in this case "organic compost" for mulch is a LUXURY!
Just my two cents!

THanks! It isn't for mulch though... it is being combined with organic top soil and we will use it to grown organic veggies..................P

 

[PattnFmly]

I feel your pain ... and have total sympathy! I too am in charge of the budget because DH is just not good at budgeting. He gets aggravated when I tell him there's no money in that "pot" but money in something else and I refuse to borrow from Peter to pay Paul unless it's an emergency! But it's gotten us on vacation and pays all our bills! Just carefully!

 

[MOpGrad2013]

Hang in there. Tight month here also and yes, DH would like to spend more than we have. And his work is taking him away from home.

Work to get money. Need money to work. And someone keeps

"Maybe we'll win the lottery..." Oh, wait, we don't spend money on that.

 

[hsmamato2]

Umm.... I am not sure what to say to all this except I think your main vent is about the lack of notice for the bank acct...right? B/C if it's about not having grocery money to feed your kiddo, having spent almost 600.00 on compost...I truly don't know what to say... The pp above is correct, that is a LOT of money to spend on compost,and then have to feed your kid water instead of a glass of milk....that is a solid fact.
OP, I understand being frustrated with the lack of notice, but if you have an emergency savings fund, then fixing the car would fall squarely into using that money,wouldn't it? So that's what you're keeping it for, I'm assuming...
I also don't know your personal situation, but since you posted I will say this....trips are great...organic gardening on a large scale is great... but not to the extent you are describing..... if you are down to using up weird food combos and scrounging for quarters to buy eggs,and drinking ONLY water instead of milk...then that is a lot of stress.

 

[JanaDee]

OKay.... just need to vent for a minute. Feel free to just keep clicking.

DH tells me as he dashes out the door for a day trip out of state for work, that his car is going into the shop today (he will be getting a loaner for the day) and there needs to be money in the account to pay for the repair today.... 5 days before pay day during a month when he KNOWS things are tight!! He estimates repair will be at least $1,000!!!!!!!!!!

I've gone on and on to him in the past two weeks about why we are eating these strange combinations of foods from the freezer and pantry and why DS is drinking water instead of milk and why I bought a dozen eggs with quarters from the change bucket the other day. There is no money left for groceries this month (well, without digging into other areas of the budget or savings). We have already had one LARGE unexpected car repair bill this month (same car $900.... ) and he had a large load of organic compost delivered for the new raised beds he put in ($563). So that is it.... that is where the grocery money went!

What was most infuriating was that he seemed to get mad at me! WHY?? Because I groaned and made a face when he told me about the repair bill. Well.... where does he think this money is going to come from?? I don't have a magic money tree in the back yard! THis means I am pulling this money either from savings (emergency savings or college savings or Christmas savings). And he asked about the overdraft protection kicking in (which gave us a HUGE surcharge/feewhen it happened in the past) and I reminded him that he told me to REMOVE the overdraft protection from the checking account because of that fee so if the money isn't there, the card will get denied. And I told him I'd go to the bank today (since he is just telling me about this today) on my way to work tonight and he made a big fuss about how the money won't show up in the account for a few days.... which is NOT TRUE since I will be depositing CASH into the checking account. As long as I do it before 5 pm and I tell the bank to make sure it is deposited as CASH, it will show up immediately. Plus, if he had told me a few days ago about this, I could have made the deposit a few days ago!!!!!!!!!!!!

ERRHHHHGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! You know, I took over control of the checking account and savings many years ago when we were first married because he was a terrible procrastinator with paying bills and a terrible budgeter/saver. So why is he STILL questioning me????

Okay.... deep breath. I will say this.... overall, as a married couple, we fight over/about money WAAAAAYYY less than average. Neither of us has any really terrible money habits (but I know we have different "priorities" with money and savings). He has been the main bread winner for our entire married life (I was a SAHM with just a tiny income for many years and work part time/per diem for the past 10 years), so he is totally entitled to his say with how/where the money goes. But this was just a big frustration this morning that 5 days before pay day (he get paid monthly) during a month when he KNOWS things are really tight, he expects that I can come up with $1200 for a car repair out of NOWHERE! And yes, the car could have waited a few more days/weeks... it is running and driveable.... plus we have a "spare" car at home right now, since DD is abroad and her car is here.

OKAY.... vent over. THanks for listening! ................P

Seems to me this fits the definition of an emergency perfectly. According to you, you have the money. Use it for the car repair (and to buy your son some milk).

I'm not understanding the angst or need to fight about it.

 

[descovy]

(if you're looking for advice... and just ignore below if you just wanted to vent w/o advice)

I would take $$ out of the emergency fund for now, but rework your budget so you account more money for car-repairs and maintenance. Your budget isn't balanced if you cannot cover car repairs. Some months will cost you nothing, others will hit you hard. Honestly waiting until payday won't help. You still need that payday to pay your other expenses. Just because you could take the car in next week doesn't solve your situation... you'll be scrapping quarters for food next month again.

Based on the age/condition of my cars we set aside $150/month. That is $1800/yr for car repairs. Again, some months we pay nothing, but other repairs are big, so $1800/yr just about covers what we need.

And as a vent to mirror your vent, my dh knew his car battery was dying. But he kept driving and waiting to do it "later." So when he called one rainy night 2 hours from home with a dead battery, I was TICKED!!! What would have been a 1 hr errand to the neighborhood auto part store (with the option of price shopping for the best deal) was a scramble for a Jump-start and find a place still open that late at night in an unfamiliar town... in the pouring rain.

Point being, sometimes its not worth "driving it another week" We spent more money and tons more hassle by putting it off.

Take care of the car now, and rework the budget to accommodate future car repairs.

 

[kymom99]

I have had similar battles with my husband so I feel your pain. We have the same roles in the budget, except for the fact that I work full time. I take care of all the bills. So I know how it feels to be in your situation.

Here is my suggestion, since you have an extra car at home. Tell the repair place that you can't come to pick up the car until the end of the week. That way you can hold off on the payment. If they refuse, then you can try something else, but it is worth a shot. This sends the message to your spouse that you need more notice for such expenditures. He can drive the other car in the meantime.

I do think that car repairs qualify as emergencies since no one knows when a car is going to go down. So if the above didn't work, I would use that money.

And for what it is worth, I imagine the money for the compost was in the budget. Not sure why anyone would question you buying it.

 

[pjlla]

Umm.... I am not sure what to say to all this except I think your main vent is about the lack of notice for the bank acct...right? B/C if it's about not having grocery money to feed your kiddo, having spent almost 600.00 on compost...I truly don't know what to say... The pp above is correct, that is a LOT of money to spend on compost,and then have to feed your kid water instead of a glass of milk....that is a solid fact.
OP, I understand being frustrated with the lack of notice, but if you have an emergency savings fund, then fixing the car would fall squarely into using that money,wouldn't it? So that's what you're keeping it for, I'm assuming...
I also don't know your personal situation, but since you posted I will say this....trips are great...organic gardening on a large scale is great... but not to the extent you are describing..... if you are down to using up weird food combos and scrounging for quarters to buy eggs,and drinking ONLY water instead of milk...then that is a lot of stress.

It was really just a vent for the lack of "notice" about the car repair bill. We are only eating "strange combinations" and water because I refuse to dip into other "pots" (as another poster put it) to buy groceries. We aren't starving and it certainly isn't killing my 16 year old to drink water. I am just pretty frugal and if the grocery money is gone, then it is gone and short of going hungry, I will take other steps to make sure we stay on budget. It has made me get very creative this month and helped use up some stuff in the pantry that was being ignored.

I didn't mean to imply that things were stressful or that we were in need. The organic raised beds were planned for and budgeted for to some degree... but they honestly cost more than I had budgeted. Just frustrated that he gives me virtually no notice during an already tight month to come up with a large sum of money. You're right, it will come out of the emergency fund.... but this is the third large car repair bill for his car in the past 4-5 months, so the emergency fund is pretty depleted. And I'm frustrated that he got MAD AT ME for groaning and making a face. Perhaps he took that as a criticize directed toward his income??? I'm trying hard to think about this from every angle.

In hindsight, August has ALWAYS been a tight month for us.... it seems like that is when everything is due and when the income is the smallest (I work primarily in the school systems, so my income is TINY in the summer). Back to school shopping, deposits for fall sports and activities, vacation money.... and I've planned for this in the past by putting aside a bit from all of my paychecks from about February thru June. But I didn't do it this year because I didn't think there would be as big a need because life has changed in the last year. But lesson learned.... and I'm GLAD I am disciplined enough to have enough in emergency savings to pay the bill! I will just have to be disciplined enough to refill the emergency account as fast as possible!

THanks for your concern!.....................P

 

[pjlla]

Seems to me this fits the definition of an emergency perfectly. According to you, you have the money. Use it for the car repair (and to buy your son some milk).

I'm not understanding the angst or need to fight about it.

I didn't intend to fight about it.... but he seemed to take great offense at my groan as he dropped the news on his way out the door. I was actually surprised when he got angry. I think he just took my frustration as criticize. And you are right... this fits "emergency" just perfectly!

(if you're looking for advice... and just ignore below if you just wanted to vent w/o advice)

I would take $$ out of the emergency fund for now, but rework your budget so you account more money for car-repairs and maintenance. Your budget isn't balanced if you cannot cover car repairs. Some months will cost you nothing, others will hit you hard. Honestly waiting until payday won't help. You still need that payday to pay your other expenses. Just because you could take the car in next week doesn't solve your situation... you'll be scrapping quarters for food next month again.

Based on the age/condition of my cars we set aside $150/month. That is $1800/yr for car repairs. Again, some months we pay nothing, but other repairs are big, so $1800/yr just about covers what we need.

Welll.... that would be a great idea, except he thinks his car is GREAT and the money I've been saving for car repairs/replacement has been primarily with MY car in mind!! I am totally ready to pay for a few repairs a year (plus general maintenance), but 3-4 repairs in as many month that are all in the $700 - $1000 range are more than I could have anticipated! So this won't be the first dig into emergency money this year. Guess it is time to take another look at the budget and figure out how to budget MORE for car repairs in the future.

And as a vent to mirror your vent, my dh knew his car battery was dying. But he kept driving and waiting to do it "later." So when he called one rainy night 2 hours from home with a dead battery, I was TICKED!!! What would have been a 1 hr errand to the neighborhood auto part store (with the option of price shopping for the best deal) was a scramble for a Jump-start and find a place still open that late at night in an unfamiliar town... in the pouring rain.

Point being, sometimes its not worth "driving it another week" We spent more money and tons more hassle by putting it off.

Take care of the car now, and rework the budget to accommodate future car repairs.

You are totally right. And I've "been there, done that" with a late-night call for a car out of order (but in my case it was a gas gauge that was KNOWN to be fault for months and a 2 am call that he was out of gas on the side of the highway.... but fortunately not terribly far from home).

I have had similar battles with my husband so I feel your pain. We have the same roles in the budget, except for the fact that I work full time. I take care of all the bills. So I know how it feels to be in your situation.

Here is my suggestion, since you have an extra car at home. Tell the repair place that you can't come to pick up the car until the end of the week. That way you can hold off on the payment. If they refuse, then you can try something else, but it is worth a shot. This sends the message to your spouse that you need more notice for such expenditures. He can drive the other car in the meantime.

I do think that car repairs qualify as emergencies since no one knows when a car is going to go down. So if the above didn't work, I would use that money.

And for what it is worth, I imagine the money for the compost was in the budget. Not sure why anyone would question you buying it.

Yes, the compost money was budgeted... it was something we had planned for a while (although I will say it cost MORE than originally thought, which is why it took some of this month's grocery money). We have been gardeners to some extent for 20 years.... but DH has an ongoing auto-immune disease and we had to take a break from our large garden for many years. But he is finally somewhat in remission and feeling better so we decided to renew our gardening attempts, but moved it closer to the house (since we no longer have young kids) to make it easier... and decided on raised beds to help with the weeds and to help our old back! ........................P

 

[scrapquitler]

OKay.... just need to vent for a minute. Feel free to just keep clicking.

DH tells me as he dashes out the door for a day trip out of state for work, that his car is going into the shop today (he will be getting a loaner for the day) and there needs to be money in the account to pay for the repair today.... 5 days before pay day during a month when he KNOWS things are tight!! He estimates repair will be at least $1,000!!!!!!!!!!

I've gone on and on to him in the past two weeks about why we are eating these strange combinations of foods from the freezer and pantry and why DS is drinking water instead of milk and why I bought a dozen eggs with quarters from the change bucket the other day. There is no money left for groceries this month (well, without digging into other areas of the budget or savings). We have already had one LARGE unexpected car repair bill this month (same car $900.... ) and he had a large load of organic compost delivered for the new raised beds he put in ($563). So that is it.... that is where the grocery money went!

What was most infuriating was that he seemed to get mad at me! WHY?? Because I groaned and made a face when he told me about the repair bill. Well.... where does he think this money is going to come from?? I don't have a magic money tree in the back yard! THis means I am pulling this money either from savings (emergency savings or college savings or Christmas savings). And he asked about the overdraft protection kicking in (which gave us a HUGE surcharge/feewhen it happened in the past) and I reminded him that he told me to REMOVE the overdraft protection from the checking account because of that fee so if the money isn't there, the card will get denied. And I told him I'd go to the bank today (since he is just telling me about this today) on my way to work tonight and he made a big fuss about how the money won't show up in the account for a few days.... which is NOT TRUE since I will be depositing CASH into the checking account. As long as I do it before 5 pm and I tell the bank to make sure it is deposited as CASH, it will show up immediately. Plus, if he had told me a few days ago about this, I could have made the deposit a few days ago!!!!!!!!!!!!

ERRHHHHGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! You know, I took over control of the checking account and savings many years ago when we were first married because he was a terrible procrastinator with paying bills and a terrible budgeter/saver. So why is he STILL questioning me????

Okay.... deep breath. I will say this.... overall, as a married couple, we fight over/about money WAAAAAYYY less than average. Neither of us has any really terrible money habits (but I know we have different "priorities" with money and savings). He has been the main bread winner for our entire married life (I was a SAHM with just a tiny income for many years and work part time/per diem for the past 10 years), so he is totally entitled to his say with how/where the money goes. But this was just a big frustration this morning that 5 days before pay day (he get paid monthly) during a month when he KNOWS things are really tight, he expects that I can come up with $1200 for a car repair out of NOWHERE! And yes, the car could have waited a few more days/weeks... it is running and driveable.... plus we have a "spare" car at home right now, since DD is abroad and her car is here.

OKAY.... vent over. THanks for listening! ................P

Can he just drop the car off today and drive DD's car until payday, and wait to pick his up (and pay the bill) on payday? All the places here expect to be paid when the car is picked up...if you can wait a couple days, you can put it off like that.

OR, do you have a credit card? Put the repair bill on the credit card and pay it off when the paycheck comes in. We use our card to shift payments later all the time (and still pay no interest because we pay it off before the bill comes due)>

My husband gets paid monthly (or less....its been two months since he got paid and I'm waiting for a check any day) so I know how frustrating it can be when you don't have the cash flow on a constant or consistent basis.

 

[RDawn]

You sound less stressed after your "vent". Hang in there... And hopefully you do not have to pour a lot more money into that car for a while!!

 

[eliza61]

LOL,

vent away. by your last paragraph you've already figured out how to work around this blip.

My dh was very much like that. I called him "reactionary". In his brain, car needs repairs=put car in shop.

I will admit that we totally had a different idea of what constituted an "emergency".
LOL. I remember the year our washer died. Initially I said "we can wait until we get paid", then after going to the laundry mat ONE time, I was at sears buying a new one.

 

[hsmamato2]

got it we all need to vent sometime..... sometimes my friends consider our food combos 'strange' too when I am determined to use every last item without waste..... so I get that I like a pp's idea of calling the car place about maybe picking it up and paying a few days later....at least it will cut down on the stress....

 

[sydneysmom]

First off, I want to offer big all around. I totally understand and it's getting harder and harder to make ends meet. And the amount of creative work of the budget is crazy, isn't it?

I clip coupons like a mad woman (not like the extreme couponers though) .... but enough to combine w/ our Kroger sales to make it work while. That comes out to a great deal of savings.

Also, one thing that may work for you both.... if you have taken over the budgeting, perhaps he just has NO IDEA what's going on other than you telling him. What we do in our house is have a monthly budget meeting, me and my DH, and we go over the budget for the coming month. (we'll 'meet' next week for September) It's only like 1/2 hour, but you sit down and say, okay, what are we missing? Do we need to add more for this envelope, has the gas bill gone down so we can move some out of that one, do I need new tires soon, etc. Using the tires for example, I know it's coming up... so we'll start setting aside money for the tires. Now, today we have a bit of a dog emergency and I need to take one of our dogs to the vet tomorrow.... totally unplanned and God knows how much that's going to be. But for that, I'm either going to take it out of the "home improvement" envelope or dip into emergency savings.

The point is, a monthly touchbase will put you both on the same plane and you work together towards the common goal... the stress shouldn't be all yours and he shouldn't put that kind of pressure on you. He also could be alot like me.... I absolutely PANIC when we have "money talks". Now, I was single for a good while after my previous husband up and left... and left me with everything including all bills and debt. So I come from the mindset of instand panic when it comes to money. It's taken me a VERY long time to get over that to the point where I don't feel my heart race everytime my DH says, 'hey let's go over the budget'. Once he actually faces what is in your budget, he might feel more comfortable when something comes up, to offer a solution rather than putting it on you.

Anyway, I'm sure that's WAY more than you wanted as far as advice, and I do hope that everything works .... just remember you're a team. And take a deep breath!!

 

[ellochka]

Vent away!

My DH sometimes gives me a few days notice, but usually calls me from the repair shop to ask which card to use, LOL! And we spent ginormous amount of money on his car this year - some computer chip ($1,600 and three week wait), new hybrid battery ($3,600), and then the $300 underside cover that turned into a $3,200 body repair (fortunately, insurance covered that one). Honestly, his car is hardly worth that kind of money... We do, however, have a short term savings account that covers large unexpected bills, like medical, car, and home repair. We had over $10K in it in the beginning of the year, and now we have $1,200.

There - I have vented, too!

 

[pjlla]

Thank you all for letting me bend your ears! I DO feel better having vented. Sometimes I just need to do that!

It probably wouldn't have even really irked me at all, except that he got mad at ME! And I was frustrated. And sometimes it seems like he expects me to make budget MAGIC happen.

Thanks again for your advise and understanding!..................

 

[supersnoop]

I didn't intend to fight about it.... but he seemed to take great offense at my groan as he dropped the news on his way out the door. I was actually surprised when he got angry. I think he just took my frustration as criticize. And you are right... this fits "emergency" just perfectly!

In general, men hear a groan as an argument, while women hear a groan as an emotional reaction to an uncomfortable situation. A man will be defensive against a groan, while a woman would be empathetic.

 

[pryncess527]

Thank you all for letting me bend your ears! I DO feel better having vented. Sometimes I just need to do that!

It probably wouldn't have even really irked me at all, except that he got mad at ME! And I was frustrated. And sometimes it seems like he expects me to make budget MAGIC happen.

Thanks again for your advise and understanding!..................

I feel your pain! My DH gets that way sometimes, he acts like REALITY is somehow my fault, lol. In those situations, I smile sweetly, pull up the budget, and ask him exactly where he thinks the money should come from. Making him face reality is the best medicine!