VERY concerned about my son (long)

[va32h]

A few hours ago, I found my son deliberately hurting an animal. I am so freaked out. I know this is a very dangerous sign, and I am beside myself with worry.

My son is 6 - we are in Las Vegas visiting my sister. We were driving back to her house from a short outing and found a turtle in the road. We took it back to the house and put it in my sister's fenced in courtyard, while we figured out what to do.

All my kids were excited about the turtle, and enjoyed watching him crawl around. Well we did a little research and discovered that it wasn't a turtle - it was a baby box tortoise, a protected animal in Nevada. There is a special Tortoise Pickup hotline you can call if you have rescued a tortoise that has wandered into an urban area. So the tortoise folks are coming tomorrow, so far so good.

Well, my son wanted to stay outside a bit and watch the turtle. So we said fine, and went inside about our business. I happened to be walking by the window, and saw him throwing dirt at what I thought was the ground. Then I saw him pick up another pile of dirt, and realized he was throwing it (fairly hard) at the tortoise.

Well I called him in at once and asked him what he was doing. I was very upset. I told him he could not hurt animals, that was not nice at all, and I was very unhappy about it. I tried to keep from flying off the handle - but what distrubed me the most wast that my son didn't seem the least bit upset. Not upset that I was angry at him, not upset over what he'd done - nothing. I sent him in to wash his hands, and he did so again, with no emotion. His face was just blank.

Then he sat on his bed for awhile and wouldn't talk to anyone. After an hour or so, he told me that he wanted to see the turtle go back inside his shell, that's why he was throwing the dirt. I said that turtles go in their shells when they are scared, and that it wasn't nice to scare animals or people, on purpose.

He only cried once, when he found out we were not going to go on a walk after dinner, which we had promised him earlier. And that was crying about not getting his way, not over any remorse for what he had done.

I just have visions of my son growing up to be a sociopath. I can't believe he would do something like that. He is a small boy, and has talked about being picked on by other boys at school. His father is not very involved in his life at the moment...I just don't know what to do.

As soon as we get home, I am going to look into some family counseling for all of us, but that isnt' for two weeks. We leave for Disneyland on Thursday, and I am just beside myself. I guess I am looking for reassurance or advice, or I don't know what.

 

[DVCLiz]

Take a deep breath here, OP. Your son is not going to become a serial killer because you caught him throwing dirt at a turtle.

Give yourself a little time to calm down, and then keep talking to him about the incident. How it made you feel sad to see the turtle get hurt, how you want him to be the kind of person who takes good care of animals and people, etc. If you're going through a bad family time, some family help from a counselor is always a good idea. And I do think you're right to feel concerned. But I wouldn't put this in the same category as poking a kitten's eye out with a stick. My own child just stuck a stick into our new Venus' Flytrap plant to see it close up, and we were told specifically not to do that. She couldn't help it - she just wanted to see it snap closed so badly. And she's 12!!!!

Hang in there - parenting is a long, hard job sometimes, isn't it??

 

[SwedishMeatball]

Wow, I think you have made a HUGE leap. That's fine to have a talk with him about being kind to people and animals, but if you came across to him as you did to me in this post, then no wonder he sat there stunned. I just think this is a big overreaction. If this is the first time that he's exhibited that type of behavior, then I can't hardly believe that you are imagining your son as a future sociopath. Go give that little boy a hug.

 

[goodeats]

My gut reaction to this post is that you've been watching too much Law and Order or CSI. To me there's a large line between throwing sand on a turtle to get him to go into his shell versus poking said turtle with a stick or cutting it on purpose. A six year old is pretty young as well to fully understand consequences, but I'm not an expert on that.

For what it's worth, I and another girl in my neighborhood threw rocks at a lizard when we were young. I'm perfectly normal! (AFAIK :>). I do remember her mother was really mad us and probably had thoughts like yours.

Of course you know your son best, if you feel counseling would be good for your family by all means.

 

[julia & nicks mom]

First, I think you should take a deep breath.

I don't think this means your son has violent tendancies and that you need to go into counseling.

Is he exhibiting other signs of violence?

His explanation of what he was doing actually seems pretty logical to me. He was trying to think of a way to see what the turtle does and was probably afraid to touch it to try to get it to go back in. He was then probably confused as to why you were so upset - kids throw dirt at each other and he probably doesn't see how that was hurting the turtle.

Unless he is showing violent tendancies in other ways. I wouldn't make a big deal out of this.

 

[LukenDC]

I do think that you are overreacting. When I read the first paragraph of your post, I immediately pictured your son dismembering or torturing an animal. While it is not kind to throw dirt at an animal, your son's explanation is understandable, especially for a six year old.

If I were you, I would talk to him about why you were upset and emphasize that the turtle is a living creature that feels pain and fear. Other than that, I would simply monitor your son's behavior around animals.

 

[ktpool]

I agree with the other responders. I would be a little disturbed as well, but think of it as him experimenting. If he was tearing at it's legs or something, I would be more concerned. And I am almost positive you were projecting your fears onto your son's blank face - he was probably just trying not to seem upset or baby-ish.

You did the right thing by telling him how we don't do things to scare animals, we should be nice. Just keep reinforcing that all week, maybe go to the zoo or something.

Have fun at Disney - I bet that in a few days, you will see that he is just your sweet little boy and he was just being a typical kid and not thinking about the consequences.

 

[jtnsami]

I don't think your son was trying to deliberately hurt this animal. I think it was more out of curiosity than anything to see if it would go back into its shell. Curiosity is a classic 6 year old trait.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

just relax a bit and keep discussing it with him. you were shocked, i understand, but it's not that bad, i thought so much worse when i saw the title of the thread.

 

[Aidensmom]

I would say he is a normal 6 year old. He was curious about the turtle, and wanted to see if he could make him go back in his shell. He still isn't old enough to completely conceptualize what is being cruel to a human being, much less an animal (I guarantee you, 99% of 6 year old boys will throw dirt at other children!).

He just needs an explanation that it is not nice too do that. If he reacted in a very unemotional way, it may be because he got in his own "shell" based on your reaction.

 

[DVC Sadie]

Children don't really start showing "empathy" until the age of 6 or 7, so you should see some improvement in his affect soon. Although you are upset please take a few deep breaths. As long as you keep reinforcing the fact of being kind to animals and people everything should be fine.

 

[babytrees]

Sweetie you need to breathe and like other posters have said it's a normal 6 year old reaction to something new. The poor kid was probably shell shocked by your reaction.Like other posters also said if this is his first "offense" then you have nothing to be worried about. I used to love worms as a kid and poke them with a stick...not hard just enough to make em squiggle. And other than the boys being mad that I didn't scream like the girl I am about worms I think I am a fairly normal grown up.

 

[DVCLiz]

Hi, again, OP, I see you've gone off-line. I hope you're going to have a good night's sleep, and will feel better in the morninnwhen you read what we all seem agree about!!!!

I did have one other thought - tomorrow when the tortoise rescue peopllcome, see if they offer any sort of rescue/conservation stuff. You might be able to interest your son in being a "friend of turtles" or something like that. It might be a nifty way to turn his interest around. Also, see iithe rescue people will show him(gently) how the turtle "works", so his curiosity is satisfied and he hears from someone other than you how to treat it gently.

 

[Cass]

I think your Son is fine please don't worry.

 

[Jpgirl]

I'm going to be the voice of dissent here. It really could be nothing or an over reaction. BUT what is your gut telling you?? 6 year old may be a little young for empathy especially being a boy-they mature more slowly. Here's the other side of the coin. My ds started doing things like that when he was 4. Things like chasing our cat or pulling the tails of our cats and dogs. It wasn't so much that he was doing those things but the reaction he had to doing them. No empathy what so ever and just couldn't realize that he was hurting an innocent annimal. Then he deliberately pushed his cousin off our deck and she fell about 4 feet. Inside I, I just knew something was wrong but everyone (doctors too) kept saying you're over reacting. Well by 4th grade the school asked us to consult a psychologist b/c of disturbing pics he was drawing. By 13 he had his first admission to the psych ward. He's dx'ed Bipolar I, ADD and PDD (pervasive developmental disorder- a spectrum of autism). He's now 19 and very abusive verbally and physically and under a psychiatrist and a therapist care. Now he's far from a sociopath, but I'm telling you that I sleep with a deadbolted bedroom door. When he's not in an "episode" he can be a nice kid. I'm not trying to scare you. I just want you to examine your own feelings about this and decide if this is just a typical parent nightmare thought or do you really fear there's something wrong. If you're really concerned contact your ds's teacher and see if she sees a general lack of empathy or a 6 year old boy being a 6 year old boy. I recognized my child's problems maybe because I'm very intuitive or maybe because I have a BA in psych-my problem was getting a professional to say yeah this is more serious than boy behavoir. I went to ds's first grade teacher and was so relieved when she said "you know I can't quite put my finger on it but there is something different about your son." The earlier the intervention the better off the results. I can't say either way in your case, but if you think there is a problem push and keep pushing till you've explored every option. Good luck and I really truly pray you do not have to walk down my path.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

for your concern.

Sometimes kids just do these kind of things. When we were little, my brother & I put salt on snails to see what they did. I remember my older cousin's disappointment in us -- that alone stuck with me all these years. A few years ago, my little cousin was throwing toads from our backyard over the fence, and I told him we don't treat animals like that -- you just have to teach kids the right way to treat animals.

Good luck.

 

[DisneyDotty]

OP--Do you have any pets at home? If so, how does your DS treat them? If not, I would suggest you consider getting him a pet--with the understanding that he is to share in the care of the pet. (A goldfish would be a good start.) There are all kinds of benefits to kids who grow up with a pet.

 

[palmtreegirl]

I do think that you are overreacting. When I read the first paragraph of your post, I immediately pictured your son dismembering or torturing an animal. While it is not kind to throw dirt at an animal, your son's explanation is understandable, especially for a six year old.

I agree.

 

[va32h]

Thank you for everyone's opinions on all sides.

I probably do watch too much CSI and Law and Order.

But I worry about my son all the time. His father has been absent most of his life, (military) and even when he is around, he doesn't get much attention from his dad. Add to that the fact that my husband and I are going through a difficult time in our marriage - essentially, deciding if we are going to stay married, home life is quite tense.

He's also a shy, sensitive, easily scared little boy who is small for his age. He did well academically in kindergarten, but was picked on by some of the other boys in his class because of his size. Most of his friends are girls, and all his caregivers are women, so I worry all the time that he doesn't have a positive male influence.

A few times in the last two months, I caught him pushing or hitting his 2 year old sister. We have a dog, but he has never hurt her before; in fact, prior to the last six or seven months, he as always been a very sweet and caring little boy.

I just look at all these things and see red flags everywhere. I just want him to be happy, and healthy, and normal.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OK, since you shared background your son has inner turmoil and you will see it come out this way.
This is YOUR sign to stop with the tension in the home. This is a end result of what you are putting on him.
You cannot expect him to be happy and carefree in this type of enviroment. That is too much to ask of him.

Your responses should be one of loving, hugging, and sensitivity right now because he is hurting. Probably more than you know or understand.