Vent/Your opinion on my work situation, management etc...

[gabbygrennell]

Ok... this may be long....

My girlfriend and I work at the same place. We are part of management, and everyone in mngmt knows we are a couple as do the vast majority of our employees.
No one has any problem with it, they are all friendly, accepting etc... or if they are not ok with it, they remain adultlike and keep their opinions to themselves.
As part of an upcoming major transition in our company, most employees are being reassigned to new supervisors etc...
An ee in my area was talking to another ee (with whom I am good friends) and told her she could not believe her new sup was going be that "****" from the other building. (referring to my girlfriend)
Now this lady is a very religious woman, gawks at everything, thinks all the new people to our area must be on drugs etc.... a real whacko!
But her disgust at have a "****" for a sup was just killing her.
The ee I am close to said, evidently she didnt know that Stacy is your girlfriend!
Guess not....
So last week, this woman comes up to me and looks at my badge. On the flip side is a pic of girlfriend, and daughter. She says to me is that your husband and daughter? I kind of laughed and said no, that is my girlfriend and daughter.
She gave me a look and said oh well i guess i couldnt tell it was a woman because her hair is so short!
spare me! plenty of women have short hair!!! And my gf is very tiny/petite and feminine minus anything frilly... haha!
So, this woman went back to ee she had previously spoken to, to ask her "Did you know that Emily is a homosexual?!" agghhhhh the horror! This woman went on to say oh my oh my.... she has called me dear before and I think once she called me honey!
(I know, as part of management I am not to do such horrible things, it is just part of me... i call everyone dear!!)
I am really irked about this... guess I should just let it go... this woman is obviously a homophobe....
I guess I am just wondering what to do.... having been warned about this woman by others, that she will go ER over every little thing etc.... do i just steer clear of her etc.... and how do you manage to put your emotions aside at work, when the blows they are taking are against you personally, not how you are doing your job?
Any other time, I am fine, and realize ee's are upset over job related things, and while they may be upset with me, it is over a work item, not a personal thing. Especially when the personal thing, is my private personal life, that has nothing to do with them whatsoever!
Geesh this is long... guess I really needed to vent...
any advice on how to let it go.... would be great!
emily

 

[Longhairbear]

As a gay man who broke thru the glass wall of sexist hiring of pretty females only,I definitley have an opinion. I was promoted from within,to satisfy state law, into an atmoshere of female dominated positions of bartending. My sexuality became an issue on occasion, but my skills as an employee overcame any doubt to my employers and coworkers, and customers.
In my wake followed many male employees,mostly straight, who eventually didn't have the capabilities to stick around.
Straight, or gay, has nothing to do with job performance. Ability to work well with others does, as much as job performance to ensure customer satisfaction, which should be the common goal.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

At work, some people "know" and some people "pretend not to know."

I do not discuss my personal life with anyone other than one or two trusted individuals and then it is only minor things.

There are no photos of any family what so ever in my office.

I unfortunately do say honey and dear from time to time. Bad habit that I slipped into, and yes I see some women blink when I do. Blink on sister.

I outperform everyone on the team I manage. I never ask anyone to do something I haven't done, nor do I ask people to do things I can't do myself. I am respected in the profession and have a jacket full of commendations.

In the cold dark of the night I have to force myself to let it go. To let it go that I don't have my partner's photo on my desk. That I can't talk about us a couple, that I can't share the same sorts of things others do.

I let it go.

Not saying it's easy, nor that it doesn't bother me, but it's my life and precious to me and I'll share it with only those who deserve to be a part of it.

Now, homophobia at work? You bet. In double time. I absolutely refuse to acknowledge it. It's pretty effective to move through the day and not make one response to anything that is offensive.

I don't think this has helped much, but I hope that you continue on in your excellent work performance and refuse to allow any contribution you make (including your presence!) be demeaned by people who are too ignorant to know how to behave properly in the workplace.

 

[StormTigger]

My advice ... stay clear from her if you can. If you have to deal w/ her (and for your partner if she will be supervising her), document EVERYTHING that happens whenever you have to deal w/ her, and everything you hear she is doing. If she is that bad, you can bet she's going to try everything underhanded she can come up w/ to get you or your partner fired, so you have to be ready. Also don't be afraid to make sure HR knows if she does anything to make the work environment uncomfortable for you. Creating a hostile environment by an employee even if it's towards a supervisor is not tolerated in most work places (well at least I'd like to believe it's most). Don't let things she does (including bad mouthing since that can effectively undermind a supervisor's position), even if you don't report it, make sure to document it. She may decide she just doesn't want to work in an accepting environment, and leave, but then again she could also try to stir up stuff against you and or your partner so you need to be ready.

As far as dealing w/ her, keep it professional and while in her prescense try to keep it cool and calm, and try to make sure you treat her fairly, cuz that could come back to haunt you too. If she gets to you - find your happy place, count to ten, close an office door and yell and scream at a copier (as an IT person I ask you not to take it out on your computer ... or printer - unless your IT people don't deal w/ printers), get on-line and come here and vent , but DON'T vent to people in the office. Just like she obviously didn't know (or care) that someone would go to you and tell you the things she's said, you don't necessarily know who'll go to her.

You and your partner maybe well liked, but don't rely on that. You both will have to watch yourselves around her. Never underestimate the power of stupidity, especially in groups.

That's just my 2cents...not really trying to tell you what to do, although my writting reads like it, but just some ideas.

 

[nordkin]

Does your company have a harrassment policy that covers sexual orientation? If they do, I would immediately go to HR and report the issue. If they do not, I would still go to HR for advice as she is creating a hostile work environmentthat is making it difficult to be her supervisor. You should in no way allow her feelings interfere with you being her supervisor. I have had to face the talking behind my back and such from a person who reported to me. Fortunately my company's harrassment policy covers sexual orientation and when I went to HR about it, it was handled immediately. Needless to say that person is no longer with the company.

 

[AlleyKat]

An ee in my area was talking to another ee (with whom I am good friends) and told her she could not believe her new sup was going be that "****" from the other building. (referring to my girlfriend)
Now this lady is a very religious woman, gawks at everything, thinks all the new people to our area must be on drugs etc.... a real whacko!
emily

Another hypocrite hiding under the guise of Christianity. I am a Christian and, unfortunately, know the type well!

Her paranoia, over life in general, will eventually be her downfall.

If/when she expresses unhappiness in her job, tell her to sincerely pray that the Lord sees fit to show her the way...out the door to another company!

 

[wallyb]

Less...

Evil Church Lady
More

 

[AlleyKat]

Wallyb...your humor brought a smile to my face as I wondered if emily's co-worker's name happened to be Edna Bambrick.

For those unaware of this "entity"...google.

 

[mickeyfan1]

Well, as a former supervisor who had to work with lots of people who didn't like thier boss, who didn't like thier co workers, etc for any number of reasons.................. Stay professional. She has the problem, you don't. I do agree that keeping good notes of her actions is important as she may try to cause problems. But most companies do have policies in place to protect employees from any type of harassment. Your work ethic and your work results are what counts. If the fact that you are a homosexual means that some people are unable to produce good work results, they are the ones needing to leave.

It doesn't matter that you are gay, or white, or black, or male, or female, or green or yellow or a Martian or what ever. There will ALWAYS be someone who will try to make it hard on you. I was the first female telephone installer in the state of VA at the local phone company. I got along with most of the men, there were some who didn't like it, but I just did my work and didn't worry about it. I have worked for women who tried their hardest to make me look bad because I could work circles around the rest of the team. I didn't do it to make them look bad, I did it because that is how I work. I didn't worry over that either.

I hope you and your girlfriend don't have any problems with the ignorant person. Let HR take care of her, you take care of making sure your work and your GFs work is above reproof.

I only wish I worked with people who just wanted to work and would leave thier personal hatred at home.

 

[BigTiggerGuy]

As a person who actually works as management in the HR department of a large casino, I felt compelled to throw in my advice.
Many people have recommended keeping thorough documentation of any situation or conversation that occurs between your girlfriend and her "difficult" new employee. I could not agree with them more. I would also advise her to have a witness present should she ever have to coach/counsel the employee on a WORK related matter(as ignorant as this employee may be, she is entitled to her opinion-----it does, however, become an issue if she openly makes derogatory remarks about ANY fellow employee's sex, religion, race, sexual preference, etc.)
Unfortunately, I have had to deal with many situations over the years where people allow their own ignorance to interfere with their job duties and I can tell you from experience that they will ultimately cost themselves a job.
Bottom line, tell your girlfriend to remain professional.....lead by example....document, document, document.....and have a witness present if necessary. Best of luck in this very uncomfortable situation......just know she is not the first and by no means will be she be the last!

 

[Psychometrika]

Gabby.

So sorry to hear of your problems. Please feel my sympathy/empathy. I live in Ohio as well - and it's worse here than most states I've lived in sorry to say.

I've been at the bottom of the ladder in the corporate world and the top. I've been out at every level. However, I was in Chicago - a somewhat more enlightened area. I've run into bosses who hated us. One in particular would tell other folks, at my level, that "homosexuals disgusted her". Of course she also hated African Americans. Nevertheless, I did my job well and that was all she really cared about on the job. Oh, and lest I forget - she was a "Sunday School" teacher in a methodist church. Gotta love them loving christians.

The phrase "document, document, document" is certainly true. It's unlikely most companies (any?) in Ohio have policies against harrassment based on sexual orientation, but nevertheless, harrassment IS harrassment.

When I came to university, I assumed I had entered a more liberal atmosphere. NOT! Perhaps on the faculty side, but not administration. I have talked with Trustees who have told me that my "lifestyle" is against Ohio law and "god's" law. There is also a departmental secretary who, being a jehovah's witness, talks all the time about how she hate's gays. I personally have not heard her say it - but I've tried to do so...because when she does, I'll be all over her.

I guess it is all in context. Nothing works the same everywhere. If I were an administrator, being out would keep me in lower positions. We have an Asst Provost who is an open lesbian. She's been told she'll never advance in the white, christian boy's club of our administration because of that. However, unlike the faculty, she has no union support and basically accepts it or leaves. It's easy for ME to say leave...I don't have to pay her bills, etc.

Document. Listen. Keep up your impressive work. Let folks like those on the G&L Dis support you and send our good vibes. Good luck and keep us informed.

 

[gabbygrennell]

Hey guys!!!
Thanks for the encouragement!!!!
I of course have remaimed professional in my dealings with her though I really would like to strangle her!
The things most of you said, document, talk to HR etc... is exactly what I have been doing and plan on doing ... going to HR...
The GF and I will go in to talk to HR together, they know us well... and will need the heads up on the GF's new ee.... I do not think we have a sexual orientation policy, but I darn well know there is a serious sexual harassment policy... an absolute zero tolerance policy! Which is another thing we have talked about... last thing I need is her going to HR saying one of us have sexually harassed her!

I guess what I really hate about being part of management, is where you must focus on the issue or behavior not the person..... etc.... it is sometimes so hard to not focus on the person, and just lump it into that is just the way they are etc.... dont know if I am making any sense....

None the less thanks for the encouragement... I will keep ya posted if any thing else arises.... I already know first hand she is definitely one who enjoys stirring the pot!

 

[LukenDC]

As an HR director, I think that it is wise to go to HR and report what happened so that at least someone else in the company knows that you have some concerns about this woman.

I know that your calling people "honey" and "dear" is innocent, but those are words that you must immediately stop using in the workplace. Those words have the potential to get people in trouble and can lead to sexual harassment complaints.

You and your girlfriend need to be very wary of that employee. Some people are troublemakers and you never know when their neurosis will kick into overdrive.

Good luck!