At our house, Valentine's Day is a kid's holiday. DS brought Disney Valentines to church today!
My thoughts are like this.... Any Joe Schmo can stop at a gas station or dial a number to buy flowers (that are way too expensive and then just die, lol) or pick up a box of chocolates (loaded with trans fats and every other preservative known to man that will take minutes off your life, lol). Even adulterers and abusers can do that!! (And they usually do, to try and make up for all their failures throughout the year!)
I know DH loves me b/c he tells me so, practically every day. He goes to work every day, without complaining to support us (and pay for Disney!). He's outside shoveling snow and salting the sidewalk right now to keep us safe. He always thinks of his family first; we come before he does. He makes sacrifices for me (us) throughout the year; year after year.
So, when you feel down b/c he didn't go out on this ONE day to get you flowers, or something, just think about all the things he does the rest of the year.... when it really counts.
And, if someone has that perfect guy throughout the year AND they are good with the romance stuff and buy them gifts and stuff... that's really just a bonus... not the reason for the romance... KWIM?
Of course, if you (proverbial you, whoever that might be!) have trouble thinking of those everyday things... then maybe that is the REAL problem... which is a whole other can or worms...
You could celebrate the first day of Chinese New Year instead!! Get some chinese take out or something
Gongxi facai!! Xin nian kuai le!!
I just liked that whole post.
And it reminded me about the new year, which allowed me to remind DH to call his mom, who is Korean, and calling her on new years is VERY important! So thank you!
I could care less about getting anything from my husband. I've spent more valentines away from him than with him and today is no different. I'd given all the flowers in the world to have woke up in his arms and went to sleep there tonight.
If you aren't feeling valued or romanced, then make a change and speak up. When I feel like my husband is taking me for granted I let him know that I need a Tina day. In our house we call it fill the love bank. Our love bank gets low when no deposits are being made. Right now mine is really low from having to deal with all this snow and stuff alone.
Talk to your spouse. Tell him/her your expectations. You can't be mad about not getting something that you aren't asking for. You don't have to say "Max write me a 3 page love letter telling me how blue birds chirp and the sun shines everytime we kiss" say something along the lines of I feel we need to renew the romance in our life honey. Lets do a date night. You make the plans.
Please take the time to be happy for what you have and make an effort to communicate what you need. It really does make a difference.
I liked your post too.
Okay, so I made the mistake of telling DH that I'm disappointed and tired of not feeling girly. He's now pouting and saying he wants to make me feel better but doesn't know what to do. So he's sitting in the living room doing nothing.
Geez...that's going to make things SO much better.
That reaction is what my husband does. I was never a big valentine's day person anyway, and especially when "gifts" are coming from OUR bank account, gifts just don't mean much at all to me.
But there was one tiny bit left that wanted *something*, and when we had that convo a few times and had the same results, I just realized it's nonsense for me to worry about it.
And then it took awhile for me to ACTUALLY not feel anything about it! I felt absolutely NO twinge of "oh I wish he'd saved all year to get me some trinket" this year, and it was SO freeing!
That reaction on the part of your husband really sucks. It's very babyish of him, when you were trying to make up for not communicating your truth before, and trying to communicate NOW.
And I'm really sorry you're dealing with that now. But there's NOTHING wrong with you trying to communicate better, even if he has that reaction. Good communication, or just *better* communication, is a good thing in and of itself, IMO.
Second, part of what we worked out in counseling this year was that DH needs to get over our first year of marriage and stop punishing me for it. During our first year of marriage, my DH sent me 2 dozen roses to my office for my birthday. Afterwards, he asked me if I liked the flowers, and I (unfortunately) was honest and told him that I loved the thought, but I'm just not a flower girl. I didn't want him spending $150 that we didn't have back then on something that will not last more than a week. He got mad and didn't buy me an anniversary, birthday, or Valentine's gift again. For 8 years.
That was an extremely UGLY thing he did. He chose to spend money on something without asking you if you would appreciate it. He was paying attention to other people, Hallmark, and commercials, and never found out who YOU were. That's on him, and if it makes him feel bad then he really should have sucked it up, put on his big boy panties, and moved on to figuring out what sorts of presents work for YOU.
I do hope the counselor has made him see that, even if he hasn't figured out how not to pout.
And don't feel that it's unfortunate that you communicated with him! Unless you want to completely bend yourself into someone you are not, and live life as a big fat lie (which my MIL did; we're finally getting to know who SHE is, 3 years after FIL died...it's not fun to change yourself entirely just to stay with a man who won't change anything for you), you need to be happy that you communicated things *as they happened*, immediately, as soon as they were brought to your attention!
So I thought this year would be different. I guess my punishment is set for life? I don't know. He did some really hurtful things in our marriage and confessed all of it when our youngest was 5 weeks old. That was last summer and we did almost divorce over it. I've battled depression over his transgressions and I had to get on Zoloft so I wouldn't lose it. I just got off the meds and then this happens.
Well, it's possible that he's just showing you who he is. With the drugs you don't care as much. Without them, when you are YOU, you do care.
Well, life happens when you're least expecting it. I'm just over it and over him not letting things go from 2001.
<sigh>
I'm not sure you ARE over this. I wouldn't be, either, if he weren't changing his behaviour.
DH and I had problems while still engaged, and got into individual and couples counseling (different therapists for each part). My friends all kept wanting to hear that he was apologizing, but I didn't care! I saw him changing. That's what was important to me, not the facade of apologies or gifts or junk like that.
I asked him not to spend much money, not to not do anything. Maybe I'm being irrational and the depression is what's causing the issue. Maybe I have no right to be upset. I just feel like I stayed in this marriage and have tried to forgive him. And I just wanted him to get me a card or do something to show he's thinking of ME, not that he was at Kroger and saw flowers at the checkout.
I can't check out of this marriage because I don't believe in divorce and I won't put my kids through that. We have a good marriage in a lot of ways, but there are certain things, like romance, that just don't get priority. My DH just doesn't follow through on things. Our marriage counselor asked him to get the Love Dare book...he made it through day 2 of 40 before he gave that up.
I guess I just question whether or not he really wants to be in this marriage at all. He broke my heart last year and the healing that has taken place has been tentative at best...this just shattered that all over again.
I don't know what to do. I just want to crawl into a hole and pull it in after me.
You're not being irrational. Since you were on antidepressants and are not now, you're feeling life right now. Life isn't sunshine and happiness. It's confusing and can be a muddle.
I'm saying this as a child of TWO divorces, married to a man who, along with his siblings, repeatedly BEGGED their mother to leave their father...an unhappy marriage, in which both parents are not trying to make things better, can mess up a kid FAR MORE than a divorce. Seriously.
My mom stayed with her second husband for about 6 years after she should have left...actually, almost 7 years, as she found out about a month after they married that he had a nasty nasty previous life and she should have gotten out right then. And the pretend-happiness that I lived "in" for those years caused LONG lasting problems with what I was looking for. The tension in the household, while they pretended they were happy, was the feeling I went looking for for WAY too long. I would choose inappropriate men who really didn't want to be with me, we'd pick fights, it was so rotten...but it was the feeling I grew up with in the house, so I thought I was doing it right.
It took living with my mom and her third husband (childhood sweetheart, from even before she married my dad at 17) for a year, for me to feel the "vibes" of a GOOD marriage based on equality and love and joy. And once I had lived with that, then I could find a better man.
I'm not a proponent of divorce, but when only ONE person is trying to change things, and the other person is just being the same self that is causing problems, I'm just telling you that THAT is going to do more damage than ending the marriage and allowing both parents to find someone that is better for them.
My mom worked for a solid year to "keep" her second husband in the house. She didn't want a second divorce, she was afraid of the financial situation if he left, she wanted stability for us, and she loved him even if she didn't much LIKE him. Finally he called it quits and filed for divorce, and she could finally breathe again. He didn't want to be there, and it showed.
It's not good to twist yourself into a pretzel when the other person just doesn't give a rat's butt.
I will say, though...I saw a ton of men and kids buying flowers at Fred Meyer yesterday, and they all had smiles on their faces, thinking about giving them to their honeys! I think that your husband likely DID think of you while getting them...he might say that he didn't spend $150 this time and just spent $10...no he's not getting the whole thing, that you just don't want dead flowers, but I doubt he didn't think of you *at all* while buying them. (please note: I'd be annoyed, too, especially b/c of the dubious quality of grocery store roses)
This is SO beyond a Valentine's Day gift - and I am not really sure you have forgiven your husband as much as you have decided to stay married to him.
I absolutely agree.
And it would be one thing if it was just the two of you. But this sort of relationship isn't healthy for the kids, in my experience.
When you argue in marriage, the argument needs to be about what the argument is about-not last year or 8 years ago. Your issues are not really with Valentine's day presents.
A million times yes.
To the stated question...I'm having a great V-day! DH and DS made me cards for "love day", which they are going to celebrate on the 13th. They gave them to me yesterday after I spent 3 hours out shopping, because they don't like those "we must hit every grocery store in the area" trips.
Today DS finally blowed his nose as DH talked him through it, and I was so happy DS had done that that I gave him a dollar, and DH was so sweet to DS (DS has known to blow his nose since he was 2, but this year he decided he hates it, and will get nearly hysterical about it) that I gave him some of my "fun" money to go get himself a coffee (since he accidentally broke the Mr Coffee carafe yesterday) and to get me a decaf.
They got to watch cartoons while I read in the bedroom, and then when I came out I started doing some cleaning.
Nothing Valentine's day related whatsoever, and it's lovely!
It's taken us several years to get to this place, but for me it's soooo worth it.
He's in the kitchen cooking supper for us right now. 
I know exactly where he is and who he is with, I booked the plane tickets for him and one of his friends...so no way to get around who was in the seat next to him on the plane since TSA checks those sort of things. He is in Daytona for the race with my blessing and the blessing of the wife of his friend. It has been the running joke for 6 months, since he got the tickets, that he and his friend were going to make a cute couple jaunting around Florida on V-Day weekend. I am sure I am not the only Daytona "widow" on America today! I just found it a little odd that he called us this morning and was all lovey dovey with Valentine wishes for our daughter, but then never said anything to me. And I have also received many pictures from him and the guys he is with from their very long day at Daytona 
