Valentine's Day is stupid---anyone else?

[Gigi22]

Ladies! Please. May an old married lady (25 years married) offer her suggestions? Today my DH and I are doing exactly as we planned. DH and I watched the t.v. this a.m., then DH headed out around noon to play darts. I have been doing the laundry and destashing the kitchen because our mini kitchen reno starts on Tuesday. I have a lovely meal already prepared and ready to go when DH gets back home.
After years of roses and dinners out, here is what I have found out. Florists hereabouts really up their price on roses for Valentines Day. Dinner out at a nice restaurant costs the earth, and because everyone is out for dinner, the food tends to be only so-so, the price of the "special" menus is quite high, and the service in the over-crowded restaurants is only moderate at best.
Soooo-may I suggest you select another day, sometime in the coming week, and go out for a nice relaxed meal? Or, in a week or so, have your sweetie send you some roses? There will be less stress, the prices will be lower, and you can both bask in the glow of avoiding both the rush and the inflated costs of Valentines Day!
Just my 2 cents worth!

 

[indimom]

Well I'll be honest and say that after 15 years we are pretty much over Valentine's Day. Our special nights are our anniversary and each birthday.

 

[annsteere]

Good day here. DH followed my request and did NOT buy me flowers or candy.

I did a sugar fast from Jan 1 until today and I didn't want a whole box of caramels around here tomorrow morning. DD is getting married May 29 and we are going out for dinner with her future in-laws Sat. night. That's enough restaurant spending for us right now. (Lots of wedding stuff to enjoy sending our money on.

So, I got a sweet card, a kiss, and he made lunch of Sage Chicken, my very favorite thing he knows how to make. Now I'm watching the olympics and piddling on the DIS board. Life is good.

36 years of marriage. He has learned to listen and believe me when I tell him what I want.

 

[sweetpeakaris]

DH and I really don't celebrate V-Day or Sweetest Day. However, I love the idea of writing a nice letter to one another. Sometimes men just don't know how to be romantic. Have a heart to heart with him and tell him what you like.

 

[Terry36]

I know DH loves me b/c he tells me so, practically every day. He goes to work every day, without complaining to support us (and pay for Disney!). He's outside shoveling snow and salting the sidewalk right now to keep us safe. He always thinks of his family first; we come before he does. He makes sacrifices for me (us) throughout the year; year after year.

So, when you feel down b/c he didn't go out on this ONE day to get you flowers, or something, just think about all the things he does the rest of the year.... when it really counts.

And, if someone has that perfect guy throughout the year AND they are good with the romance stuff and buy them gifts and stuff... that's really just a bonus... not the reason for the romance... KWIM?

Of course, if you (proverbial you, whoever that might be!) have trouble thinking of those everyday things... then maybe that is the REAL problem...
which is a whole other can or wormsle!!

Wow thanks....your post really hit home for me!!!

 

[wdwfan16]

Okay, so I made the mistake of telling DH that I'm disappointed and tired of not feeling girly. He's now pouting and saying he wants to make me feel better but doesn't know what to do. So he's sitting in the living room doing nothing.

Geez...that's going to make things SO much better.

You told him you are not feeling girly but did you also tell him what he could do to make you feel girly? Do you want flowers, a foot rub, dinner out, your car washed or something else?

 

[RachelsMommie]

Well, there are a couple of issues with this day. First, our anniversary was February 10, so I thought he would do something extra-special today to commemorate us finishing up an especially hard hear of marriage.

Second, part of what we worked out in counseling this year was that DH needs to get over our first year of marriage and stop punishing me for it. During our first year of marriage, my DH sent me 2 dozen roses to my office for my birthday. Afterwards, he asked me if I liked the flowers, and I (unfortunately) was honest and told him that I loved the thought, but I'm just not a flower girl. I didn't want him spending $150 that we didn't have back then on something that will not last more than a week. He got mad and didn't buy me an anniversary, birthday, or Valentine's gift again. For 8 years.

So I thought this year would be different. I guess my punishment is set for life? I don't know. He did some really hurtful things in our marriage and confessed all of it when our youngest was 5 weeks old. That was last summer and we did almost divorce over it. I've battled depression over his transgressions and I had to get on Zoloft so I wouldn't lose it. I just got off the meds and then this happens.

Well, life happens when you're least expecting it. I'm just over it and over him not letting things go from 2001.

<sigh>

 

[mrsklamc]

Okay, so I made the mistake of telling DH that I'm disappointed and tired of not feeling girly. He's now pouting and saying he wants to make me feel better but doesn't know what to do. So he's sitting in the living room doing nothing.

Geez...that's going to make things SO much better.

It stuns me how you continue to blame your husband for this situation.

Try apologizing to HIM, since YOU were the one that was dishonest about your expectations and then had the nerve to be angry with HIM when he did EXACTLY what you said you wanted.

Try LISTENING TO HIM. He said HE WANTS TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER but HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Tell him what you want him to do.

You'll have to be patient with him if he doesn't believe you though, because the last time he asked you what you wanted you lied to him. Stop blaming him, and take a look at yourself.

 

[Vivianne]

Sounds alot more complicated than meets the eye. The blame game is not going to help. Seems like forgiveness is in order by both of you. Still, you have 2 small children and should continue trying to work it out. Continue your marriage counseling. Valentine's day should not be crucial to your relationship. Focus on healing as a couple and it may take time. All the best to you.

 

[Leajess99]

Anyone else having a crappy Valentine's?

Kristi

Sorry you feel you are missing out. To us it is an awesome day of the year and not because of it being Valentine's Day. Today is my oldest's birthday. We decided to celebrate his birthday by meeting up with my ex. It sucks that it is snowing and now I will stress about my ex getting home safely but it has been a good day for my family for the most part.

 

[wdwfan16]

Well, there are a couple of issues with this day. First, our anniversary was February 10, so I thought he would do something extra-special today to commemorate us finishing up an especially hard hear of marriage.

Second, part of what we worked out in counseling this year was that DH needs to get over our first year of marriage and stop punishing me for it. During our first year of marriage, my DH sent me 2 dozen roses to my office for my birthday. Afterwards, he asked me if I liked the flowers, and I (unfortunately) was honest and told him that I loved the thought, but I'm just not a flower girl. I didn't want him spending $150 that we didn't have back then on something that will not last more than a week. He got mad and didn't buy me an anniversary, birthday, or Valentine's gift again. For 8 years.

So I thought this year would be different. I guess my punishment is set for life? I don't know. He did some really hurtful things in our marriage and confessed all of it when our youngest was 5 weeks old. That was last summer and we did almost divorce over it. I've battled depression over his transgressions and I had to get on Zoloft so I wouldn't lose it. I just got off the meds and then this happens.

Well, life happens when you're least expecting it. I'm just over it and over him not letting things go from 2001.

<sigh>

What did you do for your DH?

 

[DVCBELLE]

So now things make a lot more sense....

I find that the best celebrations my DH and I have are when we TOGETHER as a couple plan what we are going to do.

Sounds like you have a lot of communication issues. I am sure that your DH feels like he can't win. I know that it was a long time ago that you complained when he bought you an expensive present but now you are complaining b/c he did EXACTLY what you asked.

I hate to say this - but I think you are in the wrong here. I would go in apologize and tell him that you should not have tried to make him guess about what you want. Since you probably can't get a babysitter now - why not suggest that you all 4 go out to your favorite restaurant for dinner or that you go and rent a movie and cook a nice dinner together.

 

[Duckyiam71]

Please think about reading "The Five Love Languages"...author's name is Chapman. As an example, I am not a real 'gifts' person....but my DH puts gas in my car every single week so I never have to do it....THAT tells ME that he loves me.

I love this book! You are so right! My husband is leaving in a few days for Kuwait for a year. In the past week, he has placed new deadbolts on the house and had ADT installed. That tells me he loves! Not a gift person either! BTW, he is at Daytona 500 BBQ right now and I am enjoying the peac and quiet.

 

[RachelsMommie]

I wrote him a letter detailing what I love about him. Took me about a week to write it.

I then helped my daughter make him a card. I also made him a cake (he loves my chocolate cake, but I rarely make it because it's so much work and we're dieting for Disney).

We had a babysitter lined up for Friday night, and I asked him to plan a night out for us. He never did, so I planned something. THEN, the snow came...we had 10-12 inches and the babysitter couldn't come.

I asked him not to spend much money, not to not do anything. Maybe I'm being irrational and the depression is what's causing the issue. Maybe I have no right to be upset. I just feel like I stayed in this marriage and have tried to forgive him. And I just wanted him to get me a card or do something to show he's thinking of ME, not that he was at Kroger and saw flowers at the checkout.

I can't check out of this marriage because I don't believe in divorce and I won't put my kids through that. We have a good marriage in a lot of ways, but there are certain things, like romance, that just don't get priority. My DH just doesn't follow through on things. Our marriage counselor asked him to get the Love Dare book...he made it through day 2 of 40 before he gave that up.

I guess I just question whether or not he really wants to be in this marriage at all. He broke my heart last year and the healing that has taken place has been tentative at best...this just shattered that all over again.

I don't know what to do. I just want to crawl into a hole and pull it in after me.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I can sense your frustration. I don't understand but I'm sorry you are having it. This is wayy more than a present today. This is about letting go for both of you and communication.

You expected more today after your anniversary. Did you relay that fact? You felt that you gave a heart felt letter in addition to cooking a meal you believe you shouldn't be having. Personally I think today of all days should be an indulgent day but I understand not doing that. You feel like you are putting effort and getting nothing back. I can get that.

You have to communicate together not just expect things. How do you expect to be shown love? How does your husband expect to be shown love? My husband and I hit a rough patch early on due to communication and lack of time together more than anything. We took the Five Languages of Love class. I cannot say enough good things about this book.

It talks about how you expect love and how you show love. I need the words of encouragement and of love. My husband needs action like painting the house or taking out the garbage. We both were tied for needing time together as our second. We have had to work on it showing the other love in the way they need to receive it.

It sounds like both of you need some communication help. I hope you get past this. Go rent a movie or go for a family walk. How about just a hug and a smiple I love you? Good luck I hope things do get better.

 

[DVCBELLE]

This is SO beyond a Valentine's Day gift - and I am not really sure you have forgiven your husband as much as you have decided to stay married to him.

I just want to point out to you a problem that you might have in your communication - in your original post you said:

I told my DH to not worry about Valentine's or our anniversary this year.

He got you flowers which did show that he thought about you - but still followed your wishes of not spending too much money.

I am guessing you are still in counseling and maybe you can explain your frustration in there.

 

[WDmommyof4]

Well, I didn't even get a Happy Valentines Day from mine until the kids said it to me and he suddenly remembered. Last night I went out and bought his favorite meal and brought it home for dinner since we couldn't get a sitter for the boys. I also got him a movie he has been wanting to see. I know that he does not have any money right now, but a short hand written note to let me know he at least cared would have been all I needed to be happy.

I could care less about gifts, but to simply know that I am loved and appreciated shouldn't be too much to ask for. I certainly don't agree with the ones that say you should tell them what you want. If I have to tell him to write me a short note telling me what I mean to him then what the heck is the point of the whole thing?

 

[mrsklamc]

There could just have easily been a card at the checkout at Kroger. Doesn't sound like that would have made you happy either.

When you argue in marriage, the argument needs to be about what the argument is about-not last year or 8 years ago. Your issues are not really with Valentine's day presents. I agree with the prior posters that you need to continue the counseling.

 

[wdwfan16]

I wrote him a letter detailing what I love about him. Took me about a week to write it.

I then helped my daughter make him a card. I also made him a cake (he loves my chocolate cake, but I rarely make it because it's so much work and we're dieting for Disney).

We had a babysitter lined up for Friday night, and I asked him to plan a night out for us. He never did, so I planned something. THEN, the snow came...we had 10-12 inches and the babysitter couldn't come.

I asked him not to spend much money, not to not do anything. Maybe I'm being irrational and the depression is what's causing the issue. Maybe I have no right to be upset. I just feel like I stayed in this marriage and have tried to forgive him. And I just wanted him to get me a card or do something to show he's thinking of ME, not that he was at Kroger and saw flowers at the checkout.

I can't check out of this marriage because I don't believe in divorce and I won't put my kids through that. We have a good marriage in a lot of ways, but there are certain things, like romance, that just don't get priority. My DH just doesn't follow through on things. Our marriage counselor asked him to get the Love Dare book...he made it through day 2 of 40 before he gave that up.

I guess I just question whether or not he really wants to be in this marriage at all. He broke my heart last year and the healing that has taken place has been tentative at best...this just shattered that all over again.

I don't know what to do. I just want to crawl into a hole and pull it in after me.

This is so not a Valentine's Day or anniversary issue but a marriage communication issue. You need lots more counseling. Not believing in divorce will not make a good marriage.

I had a great Valentine's Day because of how my DH makes me feel every day not by what he did or bought.

 

[mrsklamc]

If I have to tell him to write me a short note telling me what I mean to him then what the heck is the point of the whole thing?

In many guys' brains this is a completely useless gift. If he is not the type of guy who would appreciate something like this, it's not likely to occur to him that YOU would appreciate it- unless you communicate it to him somehow.

Or, he may have been so bummed that he couldn't buy you an expensive gift that he couldn't get past that issue to think about what he COULD do.

And besides, if you told him you'd like such a short note, and he did it, are you telling me you really wouldn't be touched by what he wrote, as long as it came from the heart? It probably has nothing to do with not appreciating you, he probably just has no idea you want it communicated that way.