Vacationing with the In-Laws (extended family)

[BraveLittleToaster2]

Hello All,

I wonder if I am selfish for feeling this way or not? Okay, here goes. We take Disney vacations with our children on average every other year or so. We have GREAT memories and love our time spent there. We all look forward to it immensely. My husband works long hours and we dont get too much family time in general so these vacations have a dear place in my heart. Its the one time we can spend alone time as a family without distractions and my DH's work computers, calls etc.

Well my In-Laws and other family have talked about having a big "family" vacation one year. Where we all go together. Dont get me wrong, I like my In-Laws they are great. However, sometimes they are almost too involved and like to take the kids almost EVERY weekend when we are home. They also spoil them to an extreme and I know if they went with us the kids would buy about 50 souvenirs which is not necessary . Also, if they go on vacation with us I can see them trying to take the kids places by themselves to give us "alone" time, but they will offer probably every day we are there. Which sounds all well and good but my DH and I genuinely love spending time together as a family and save alone time for when we are at home....not on vacation. I think they would drive me nuts. They will tell the kids they will buy them almost everything the kids ask for, and then we say no and would look like the bad guy all vacation.

We only get to take a vacation every other year or so and I feel like I dont want to give up our time together as a family for a whole vacation and end up spending it with them who we (and the kids) see all the time at home.

Am I being selfish? Ungrateful for their involvement? Or am I okay in wanting our family vacations to just be time together for ourselves?

I did play with the idea of having a 6 day vacation by ourselves and then having them come down for 3 days after that. That way we would still have a week alone. But I think they may be offended by that quite frankly....

(sigh) Opinions for anyone with similar inlaws?

 

[rwdavis2]

No in-law issues but it is YOUR vacation. You can do what you want. How likely are they to have the initiative to any booking/planning on their own? If you leave it up to them then that may never take the initiative. What does your husband say? They are his parents. If he's not 100% behind you then that's the first issue to take care of. But in the interests of compromise then the 6/3 split is not too bad.

When I read about many people planning large family vacations most advice is to NOT plan on doing everything together. It usually does not work since people have different ideas what a vacation is. Make your plans and then tell everyone else what they are and are welcome to join you. To me, WDW is not a relaxing vacation. It's more of an adventure that requires planning, stamina, and money. What are the others' idea of a vacation?

Good luck.

 

[whitney37354]

We went to WDW last year with another family & one set of grandparents came with them for a few days, then left in the middle of the week. We stayed at FW & the grandparents stayed at POFQ. They would meet us in the parks in the morning & tour with us during the day. They didn't do everything with us. It wasn't a problem for us & the kids/grandkids didn't seem to mind either. The grandparents would take turns riding with all the kids, our DD included, & even bought our DD snacks one day. They were a cool set of grandparents to have!

That week, DH decided to invite our parents to go on our next WDW trip to celebrate DD's 10th birthday, June 2015. We told both sets of grandparents when we got home & told them we'd need to know whether or not they wanted to go by this fall, so we could make reservations. I checked out pricing for all of us staying together at SSR or OKW or staying in separate rooms at ASSports. It's cheaper to stay separately & for that I am grateful!

My dad has already said he isn't going. He has a pacemaker & defibrolator & doesn't like crowds. My mom is excited to go with us! We don't expect FIL to go & MIL is iffy at this point. I'm hoping that it's just my mom going with us! She will just go with the flow & we'll slow down our pace for her knee replacements. She gets around fine & is looking forward to riding some rides!

We have gone on a cruise with my in-laws, SIL, BIL, & nephew. There were other friends on that trip too. My in-laws have invited themselves to a week of camping this summer with us. I don't look forward to it, but MIL is a great help with cooking at camp. Because of tensions between some members of my family, we will probably never get to take the big family beach trip my mother has always wanted. That's sad that people can't get along.

Maybe just see if they want to go & take it easy that week.

 

[GotLabradors]

When my DH suggested bringing his mom on our OBX beach vacation, I had to really bite my tongue. She hates the beach, won't even think of wearing shorts no matter how hot, and has knee and hip issues that make navigating stairs (which OBX beach houses have tons of) a huge problem. I told DH we would have to set some ground rules. He was okay with that.

I think you need to be honest with your DH about how you're feeling. Sounds like you need to set some boundaries with the in-laws anyway. Those kids are yours. You shouldn't feel like you have to give them up every weekend.

My first thought was to have the in-laws meet you at WDW after you have been there for a couple of days. Maybe have your in-laws give the kids gift cards with set amounts instead of just buying everything on impulse. Make touring plans so your in-laws realize there is a plan for each day, especially while they are with you.

 

[mom2rtk]

Your in-laws are only taking your kids nearly every weekend if you let them. That would never fly with me.

As for the trip? I would try hard to arrange exactly what you proposed..... a big chunk of time with just your immediate family, followed by a few days with the extended family. Your kids will likely enjoy that time and make some special memories with their grandparents, but you will still get to maintain your own special time with them.

If they are not the sort who will agree to split up part of the time, you will be very unhappy if you don't find a way to carve out your own time.

 

[fairestoneofall]

We have gone many times with my family and with DH's family. We have never had any issues on our trips. Our families are willing to take the kids if we'd like alone time. They're also happy to do their own thing sometimes too. My MIL can be overly involved sometimes, but she is always great at WDW. Yes, it's nice to have trips with just our core family. But I have enjoyed every trip with extended family too. Sometimes, it's also nice to have extra help too!

 

[ArwenMarie]

I wouldn't do it. No way in heck. I would go somewhere else with my in-laws, like the beach or the mountains or whatever, but not WDW. My in-laws would suck the Magic right out of the Kingdom for me.

But, it's up to you and your husband to decide what to do with this. They are his parents and if this is something he really wants to do, you should probably consider doing it...once

 

[HM]

I wouldn't do it, unless you do like you suggest and just add them to a small portion of your trip. I don't want to be responsible for the happiness of others at WDW, just my immediate family. (I've taken DDs friends to WDW a few times for short trips and it's a lot more stressful)

We prefer to rent a beach house when we travel with extended family, sharing the cost and taking turns cooking. It's a great way to spend time with people you don't see often.

 

[wiigirl]

I wouldn't do it. No way in heck. I would go somewhere else with my in-laws, like the beach or the mountains or whatever, but not WDW. My in-laws would suck the Magic right out of the Kingdom for me.

But, it's up to you and your husband to decide what to do with this. They are his parents and if this is something he really wants to do, you should probably consider doing it...once

x2!!

 

[sassie_kat]

I've vacationed with both sides of our extended family - mine (a total of 10 in our party) and my husband's (a total of 7 in our party). When we went with my family, I was very stressed b/c nobody was listening to me, my husband was often checked out due to work issues, we spent way too much time together (seriously, we only separated to sleep in our different rooms), and there was a lot of "what do YOU want to do" "I don't know, what do YOU want to do" going on.

When we went with my BIL and his daughter, I made our ADRs for the parks we planned to be at and told my BIL that while we were at the same park for the day I fully expected that we would split up into various groups as we needed to. After he took my niece to the MK on their arrival day and let her talk him in to getting in line for SM (posted wait of 120 minutes, FP return time of 90 minutes later) even though I tried to talk him out of over text message, he was more than willing to listen to whatever I suggested for each day. We split up as needed (sometimes in family groups, sometimes in older/younger kids groups) and went our own way when we wanted. My husband was still frequently checked out for work (missed at least 1/2 day at MK and 1/2 day at HS) BUT for some reason my BIL and I just clicked during those times and it was almost easier than if my husband had been with us.

Despite ME being stressed during both vacations, the kids still have really good memories of both trips. We're planning a trip for 2016 and the kids want everybody in our family to come along (that's kind of the plan at this point, but everybody has to pay their own way AND listen to what I have to say!) because when the came along in the past it was the best trip ever! I know what to do if anybody comes along and will plan to kick my parents away from us when they become overwhelming.

Anyway, long story short but traveling with an extended family CAN be fun but you need to go in to it with different expectations than when it's just a family trip. I had to grow a spine and it took me that whole first trip to learn to use my voice.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do!! (My vote is vacation alone and have them join you later!!)

 

[AmyB2006]

Are you ungrateful or selfish? No, I don't think so. It's a lot of money, and your one vacation and you want to have a good time, not be stressed out and need another vacation because of it. I get it. I would probably be miserable if I had to take a vacation with my in laws at Disney.

But, I think it's something you can manage. Maybe only do a 4 or 5 day trip instead of a whole week? Also, you guys will have to let some things go for the sake of keeping peace. Like the souvenir thing, I would just let them buy the kids what they want to. That's their "job" as grandparents, is to spoil the grand kids. Let them take the kids for a night, but politely decline the others maybe?

I get it believe me. My In-laws are no walk in the park, but it would be manageable. I would just shorten the time, though. I also wouldn't try to plan too much. Maybe relax at the resort more? I don't know.

In my family, we call vacations like these Forced Family Fun!

 

[Funfire240]

We did a trip with both sets of parents. Never again!
The first time we took the kids my parents wanted to go and we said no because we wanted a vacation just the 4 of us (we usually vacation at the family home in the Keys with in laws, and DH's brother and who ever else shows up there, sometimes even my parents). But Disney was different.
After we went, we decided to return the next year and my parents could go with us.
Well after the inlaws going on and on how they would never go to Disney (didn't take DH because they took BIL around 1973 and it was way too crowded ) they found out my parents were going and decided they had to go too.
Things work well with my parents - we were together for meals and they would take off on their own at times. The inlaws were attached to DH's hip! (MIL actually panicked one time because Dh was walking behind her and she couldn't see him!). They complained about being out early and back late and the heat (I told them many times to go back to the resort, that they didn't need us). Then they would try taking DS2 back because "he needed a nap". I said no he stays with us.
My FIL even said that a Disney trip is a "type of child abuse." Needless to say, they said they will not spend more than 2 days because it is too hectic for them And I'm perfectly fine with that.

 

[focusondisney]

Hello All,

I wonder if I am selfish for feeling this way or not? Okay, here goes. We take Disney vacations with our children on average every other year or so. We have GREAT memories and love our time spent there. We all look forward to it immensely. My husband works long hours and we dont get too much family time in general so these vacations have a dear place in my heart. Its the one time we can spend alone time as a family without distractions and my DH's work computers, calls etc.

Well my In-Laws and other family have talked about having a big "family" vacation one year. Where we all go together. Dont get me wrong, I like my In-Laws they are great. However, sometimes they are almost too involved and like to take the kids almost EVERY weekend when we are home. They also spoil them to an extreme and I know if they went with us the kids would buy about 50 souvenirs which is not necessary . Also, if they go on vacation with us I can see them trying to take the kids places by themselves to give us "alone" time, but they will offer probably every day we are there. Which sounds all well and good but my DH and I genuinely love spending time together as a family and save alone time for when we are at home....not on vacation. I think they would drive me nuts. They will tell the kids they will buy them almost everything the kids ask for, and then we say no and would look like the bad guy all vacation.

We only get to take a vacation every other year or so and I feel like I dont want to give up our time together as a family for a whole vacation and end up spending it with them who we (and the kids) see all the time at home.

Am I being selfish? Ungrateful for their involvement? Or am I okay in wanting our family vacations to just be time together for ourselves?

I did play with the idea of having a 6 day vacation by ourselves and then having them come down for 3 days after that. That way we would still have a week alone. But I think they may be offended by that quite frankly....

(sigh) Opinions for anyone with similar inlaws?

This issue is close to my heart. My DH & I love WDW, go a few times a year. We have 2 adult kids but no grand kids yet. We took the kids to WDW from the ages of 8-10 on. They like it OK, but neither has vacationed there in years. Anyway, my dearest wish is to go to WDW with grandkids some day. Both my kids know & seem OK with that. Being with my whole family, DH, kids & grands in the most magical place on earth would be wonderful.

That said, I am not an overbearing, overinvolved parent. I don't insert myself into their lives, give advice only when asked, don't demand frequent get togethers etc. I would be fine with each family having their own time & space or doing only a partial week together & following their lead with pace, activities etc. Yes, I'd probably want to spoil the grandkids a little, but I'd hope my kids would allow a little extra spoiling on vacation.

As a PP said, they are your DH's parents. You don't stop loving your kids & wanting to be with them when they become adults. You still want to make memories & share happy times together. If you do have a good relationship with them & your DH wants to, I think you should try to I would not want you to sacrifice your own family time of course, but some compromise/ split week would b e great.

Try to put yourself in their shoes--imagine in 20 years or so. Can you see yourself ever wanting to vacation with your grown kids? Won't family time still be important to you? Good luck with your decision & whatever you decide- hope you have a great trip!

 

[BraveLittleToaster2]

We were planning on going for Halloween. So I'm leaning towards going down for 6 days with Halloween being one we get alone with the kids. Then having the In-laws meet us down there maybe the day after Halloween and they can spend 3 days with us before we leave. But I will prefer if they stay at a different hotel from us personally. It's just to close for comfort for me. I'd rather have them meet us places.

My DH i think understands my point, but he is much more laid back then I am.

My MIL is just too overly helpful to me. Even for my kids birthdays if I tell her the theme ahead of time she will pick up pinatas and plates and cups and tablecovers etc. I only have one childhood with my children and I want to go and pick those things out with them. But I don't like telling her because I don't want to offend her. I mean I get it....she always tells me she misses when her kids were little.

But she needs to let me be the mom and do those things for them. She has gotten better over the years, but I've never been upfront and one other reason I'm worried about going on vacation with them is I'm afraid if I get too stressed or annoyed about it that I'll snap and say something that will come across harsh, and I dont want to hurt our relationship.

 

[Disneyhabs]

Hello All,

I wonder if I am selfish for feeling this way or not? Okay, here goes. We take Disney vacations with our children on average every other year or so. We have GREAT memories and love our time spent there. We all look forward to it immensely. My husband works long hours and we dont get too much family time in general so these vacations have a dear place in my heart. Its the one time we can spend alone time as a family without distractions and my DH's work computers, calls etc.

Well my In-Laws and other family have talked about having a big "family" vacation one year. Where we all go together. Dont get me wrong, I like my In-Laws they are great. However, sometimes they are almost too involved and like to take the kids almost EVERY weekend when we are home. They also spoil them to an extreme and I know if they went with us the kids would buy about 50 souvenirs which is not necessary . Also, if they go on vacation with us I can see them trying to take the kids places by themselves to give us "alone" time, but they will offer probably every day we are there. Which sounds all well and good but my DH and I genuinely love spending time together as a family and save alone time for when we are at home....not on vacation. I think they would drive me nuts. They will tell the kids they will buy them almost everything the kids ask for, and then we say no and would look like the bad guy all vacation.

We only get to take a vacation every other year or so and I feel like I dont want to give up our time together as a family for a whole vacation and end up spending it with them who we (and the kids) see all the time at home.

Am I being selfish? Ungrateful for their involvement? Or am I okay in wanting our family vacations to just be time together for ourselves?

I did play with the idea of having a 6 day vacation by ourselves and then having them come down for 3 days after that. That way we would still have a week alone. But I think they may be offended by that quite frankly....

(sigh) Opinions for anyone with similar inlaws?

When we do our big family trips with al the family my parents and my sister think it means spending every waking moment together as a big family. I sat down with them and went over the way I do Disney with my children they were not really impressed with my planning style. I told them that they were welcome to come along but not to expect us to spend every waking moment with them. So you need to lay some ground rules and tell them how you feel and let them decide if they still want to come on the trip. I always made it so that if we were at the same park we would meet for lunch or a parade etc but other than that it was a free for all and we do our own thing. |They still came along and complained for the first couple days but then by the end of the 2 weeks understood why I tour the world the way I do with my kids.

 

[BraveLittleToaster2]

This issue is close to my heart. My DH & I love WDW, go a few times a year. We have 2 adult kids but no grand kids yet. We took the kids to WDW from the ages of 8-10 on. They like it OK, but neither has vacationed there in years. Anyway, my dearest wish is to go to WDW with grandkids some day. Both my kids know & seem OK with that. Being with my whole family, DH, kids & grands in the most magical place on earth would be wonderful.

That said, I am not an overbearing, overinvolved parent. I don't insert myself into their lives, give advice only when asked, don't demand frequent get togethers etc. I would be fine with each family having their own time & space or doing only a partial week together & following their lead with pace, activities etc. Yes, I'd probably want to spoil the grandkids a little, but I'd hope my kids would allow a little extra spoiling on vacation.

As a PP said, they are your DH's parents. You don't stop loving your kids & wanting to be with them when they become adults. You still want to make memories & share happy times together. If you do have a good relationship with them & your DH wants to, I think you should try to I would not want you to sacrifice your own family time of course, but some compromise/ split week would b e great.

Try to put yourself in their shoes--imagine in 20 years or so. Can you see yourself ever wanting to vacation with your grown kids? Won't family time still be important to you? Good luck with your decision & whatever you decide- hope you have a great trip!

I see where you are coming from. But you sound more like my parents. I wouldn't mind going with my parents to WDW. They are more laid back when it comes to grandparenting. If I call and need them they are there. If I invite them to a kids activity....they come. But they have a social life of their own that does not revolve around us. So I only seem them maybe once a month and never feel pressured to drive the kids over to see them all the time like I do with the in-laws. If my parents came they would meet up with us maybe 1/3 of the time. The rest of the time I can guarantee they would want time alone.

The problem lies in the fact that my inlaws lives revolve around my kids. They dont do anything on their own or even go out with friends etc. I appreciate that they love them and want to spend time with them but sometimes I find it overbearing. I know they dont mean it that way...they do it out of love, but I guess we just see things differently.

 

[mom2rtk]

But she needs to let me be the mom and do those things for them. She has gotten better over the years, but I've never been upfront and one other reason I'm worried about going on vacation with them is I'm afraid if I get too stressed or annoyed about it that I'll snap and say something that will come across harsh, and I dont want to hurt our relationship.

I'm still stuck on what you said in your opening post about them taking the kids nearly every weekend. All I could think was "What the heck?" How does that happen if you really don't want it to happen? And if you DH works all week, when does he get time with his kids?

Then you post above that she needs to let you be the mom. I'm not trying to be mean.....but you need to grow a spine and speak UP! You are letting her do this stuff. And since she enjoys it, she will continue to do it. If you rely on her deciding to stop, you're going to be disappointed.

You don't have to be mean about it, but it really sounds like you need to find a loving way to put your foot down if you're not happy with the current dynamic.

 

[BraveLittleToaster2]

I'm still stuck on what you said in your opening post about them taking the kids nearly every weekend. All I could think was "What the heck?" How does that happen if you really don't want it to happen? And if you DH works all week, when does he get time with his kids?

Then you post above that she needs to let you be the mom. I'm not trying to be mean.....but you need to grow a spine and speak UP! You are letting her do this stuff. And since she enjoys it, she will continue to do it. If you rely on her deciding to stop, you're going to be disappointed.

You don't have to be mean about it, but it really sounds like you need to find a loving way to put your foot down if you're not happy with the current dynamic.

I know that. I'm a non confrontational person, and I have gotten better at not saying yes every weekend. Though I typically just tell my husband no and he will relay the message, because I'd rather it come from him. I am trying to get better at it. It is a fault of mine. Lately it has been more like every other weekend, though I'd still prefer even a little less then that because we just dont get enough time to ourselves.

 

[TooExcitedCantSleep]

Parents really need to understand that this is not right. Your adult children do not owe you anything other than love and respect. I believe it's so cruel to guilt the adult kids into taking them on vacation. OP- it's YOUR decision to make and it is a tough one. I know if I said "no".......I would feel like crap and my trip would be ruined anyway because I would be burdened with guilt. Which is why parents should not ask to go. I know I will not ask to go on vacation with my adult children and grandkids....I won't. I can see myself planning my own vacation and inviting my kids and grand kids in the future...that's different-----but their vacation it their vacation. I believe the three day suggestion is the best solution. Good luck.

 

[focusondisney]

I see where you are coming from. But you sound more like my parents. I wouldn't mind going with my parents to WDW. They are more laid back when it comes to grandparenting. If I call and need them they are there. If I invite them to a kids activity....they come. But they have a social life of their own that does not revolve around us. So I only seem them maybe once a month and never feel pressured to drive the kids over to see them all the time like I do with the in-laws. If my parents came they would meet up with us maybe 1/3 of the time. The rest of the time I can guarantee they would want time alone.

The problem lies in the fact that my inlaws lives revolve around my kids. They dont do anything on their own or even go out with friends etc. I appreciate that they love them and want to spend time with them but sometimes I find it overbearing. I know they dont mean it that way...they do it out of love, but I guess we just see things differently.

Yep, I'm laid back & DH & I Have our own interests. We love being alone- just being able to come & go as we please after years of raising kids. But all bets are off if I ever get a grand baby! I'll spend as much time with them as I can! I'll probably need limits set then too!!

I'm still stuck on what you said in your opening post about them taking the kids nearly every weekend. All I could think was "What the heck?" How does that happen if you really don't want it to happen? And if you DH works all week, when does he get time with his kids?

Then you post above that she needs to let you be the mom. I'm not trying to be mean.....but you need to grow a spine and speak UP! You are letting her do this stuff. And since she enjoys it, she will continue to do it. If you rely on her deciding to stop, you're going to be disappointed.

You don't have to be mean about it, but it really sounds like you need to find a loving way to put your foot down if you're not happy with the current dynamic.

Sounds like time for a gentle heart to heart.