Urgent help and need advice please!

[amacspad]

Well I feel absolutely sick to the stomach, found out last night that my 16 dd has been seeing and practically living with a 51 year old man she works with, since she left school she had (or so I thought) been staying at her friends, one of her actual friends came round (reluctantantly but thought we should know) to let us know what's been going on, I phoned her too come home last night and tried to delicately sort it out as the last thing I want to do is make things worse and lose her altogether, she stayed home and is in bed, I haven't ate or hardly slept, I managed to message this guy last night telling him how disgusted and sickened I feel, he has split up from his wife and kids a d got a new place, please please can anybody advise me what to do here, I'm sure I can't legally stop her but there is no way I want to let her go back to this creep

 

[mandymouse]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry that you are going through this, I can't imagine what you are going through. I hope you are both able to sit down and talk this through later and that she decides to stay at home

Good luck

 

[disneychic2]

Well I feel absolutely sick to the stomach, found out last night that my 16 dd has been seeing and practically living with a 51 year old man she works with, since she left school she had (or so I thought) been staying at her friends, one of her actual friends came round (reluctantantly but thought we should know) to let us know what's been going on, I phoned her too come home last night and tried to delicately sort it out as the last thing I want to do is make things worse and lose her altogether, she stayed home and is in bed, I haven't ate or hardly slept, I managed to message this guy last night telling him how disgusted and sickened I feel, he has split up from his wife and kids a d got a new place, please please can anybody advise me what to do here, I'm sure I can't legally stop her but there is no way I want to let her go back to this creep

Oh how awful! You poor thing! What an absolute parent nightmare! I don't know what the laws in the UK are, but in the US that is called statutory rape and the guy would be thrown into jail. It is completely against the law here, and I would imagine it is there as well. As for what you can do, can you find out what the attraction for you DD is for this older man? Maybe another delicate talk to find more about where her head is. Obviously her friends are concerned for her as well, so maybe one of them could talk to her. Sometimes they'll listen to their friends when they won't listen to anyone else. I pray this turns out well for all of you! (I hope you don't mind me jumping on the UK forum...it just broke my heart to hear your pleas and feel your despair through your words.)

 

[amacspad]

Thank you both, any advice is truly appreciated, I rang the non emergeny police for advice and the lady I spoke to doesn't seem to think there is much I can do as she is over 16 unless we think he is "grooming" her! I just feel so sick and upset at the thought of him even touching her, half of me is so angry but know we can't do anything stupid but I am lying here with my eyes filling up just not knowing what to do, she is such a kind caring girl too I just don't get it!

 

[catherine]

I am so sorry that you're going through all this. We had several issues with one of our DDs when she was 16, she basically wanted to move out but just to live with her friend (and she did for a while) I looked into what we could do and basically there is nothing that can be done, once a child turns 16 they can pretty much come and go as they please!! It takes a lot of patience and communication. At least your DD has come home and not stuck her heels in and stayed there, so that's a positive. You say that they work together, I wonder how the co. that they work for would feel about this! Has you DD said anything to you about the situation? It may not be as bad as you fear! Good luck to you and your family!

 

[amacspad]

I am so sorry that you're going through all this. We had several issues with one of our DDs when she was 16, she basically wanted to move out but just to live with her friend (and she did for a while) I looked into what we could do and basically there is nothing that can be done, once a child turns 16 they can pretty much come and go as they please!! It takes a lot of patience and communication. At least your DD has come home and not stuck her heels in and stayed there, so that's a positive. You say that they work together, I wonder how the co. that they work for would feel about this! Has you DD said anything to you about the situation? It may not be as bad as you fear! Good luck to you and your family!

Thank you for your kind reply, I've tried ringing the police, social services etc, most of which saying not a lot they can do, I messaged this guy asking how it would feel if it was his kids and to leave her alone but he replied saying doesn't matter what we do or say he isn't going anywhere! my next step was to ring her place of work but am worried about her losing her job, plus would I ring the branch or head office?

Debs x

 

[Chilly]

Does her work have a policy of no co-worker relationships? Is he her boss or superior? I don't think his work will look too kindly on it.

 

[amacspad]

Does her work have a policy of no co-worker relationships? Is he her boss or superior? I don't think his work will look too kindly on it.

Hi, the police asked if he was a superior but he isn't, just a co worker, feel so helpless, can't stop thinking of him touching her and keep getting upset, the most you fear with aa teenage daughter is them getting pregnant but this is worse, who knows what kind of hold he's got on her, it's really scary

 

[Chilly]

I think the fact she came home when you asked is a big positive and I think you should focus on that for now and trying to talk to her before going to her workplace.

 

[amacspad]

I think the fact she came home when you asked is a big positive and I think you should focus on that for now and trying to talk to her before going to her workplace.

I agree, trouble is she is home now and I am scared of letting her go again, she still doesn't think there's anything wrong! We are (me & dh) are sat downstairs in silence and bec is up in her room, we have said everything there is to say, just don't know what to do now

Debs x

 

[jen_uk]

A 51 year old with a 16 year old screams of grooming to me! I would push the police as hard as possible to get them to investigate this as who knows who else he is talking to either in person or online. As for your daughter its a great sign that she came home, she must still respect your opinion. Does she go to college, if so could you involve them? The school where I teach is brilliant with these sorts of situations and do everything they can to help. I don't have kids but if this were my daughter I would want to get her as far away from him as possible in the hope that distance might open her eyes. Is there anywhere you could send her, friends or family that live away from you? If it came to it could you take her away on holiday so that you would have her undivided attention to talk to her and hopefully make her see sense? I hope it all works out for you

 

[tinkertaylor05]

Hi Debs,

I don't know you and can only imagine how you're feeling right now. 100% you are doing the right thing, keep calm with your daughter and try not to show any judgement.

When was she 16 and is there any way she knew the man before she turned 16?

I am going to pm you a phone number that may offer advice but unfortunately our laws aren't very helpful with this.

 

[amacspad]

Thank you both, tried to have another little chat with her and she is adamant she wants to "set up home" with him, I ended up getting a bit angry, just couldn't help it, I have spoke to a councillor through work and waiting for social services to get back, she isn't in college, was due to go to a good one in sept but is dropping out, I'm gutted, there isn't anywhere she can go, we are all due to go away at the end of oct but that's a while away yet, it's killing me inside, I messaged him to say how would he feel if it was one if his kids and to back off and this was his reply!

I know now you probably hate me you may even try to scare me away by sending someone to work or round to my house to beat me up or something but none of that will change how I feel I an not running away

 

[amacspad]

Hi Debs,

I don't know you and can only imagine how you're feeling right now. 100% you are doing the right thing, keep calm with your daughter and try not to show any judgement.

When was she 16 and is there any way she knew the man before she turned 16?

I am going to pm you a phone number that may offer advice but unfortunately our laws aren't very helpful with this.

Thank you for this, I gave them a ring, really helpful, they are going to run checks on him!

Debs x

 

[tinkertaylor05]

Thank you for this, I gave them a ring, really helpful, they are going to run checks on him!

Debs x

Glad they listened, if there's anything to be done they'll do it. If it comes back they can't help, tell them how desperate you are for support and ask if there's anything at all they can offer you even if it's just mediation.

Seriously if there's anything I can do or you want to sound off pm me x

 

[amacspad]

Aww, you are all brill, thank you, will let you know how we go on

Debs x

 

[T1gger]

My heart goes out to you Debs - I have no idea what I would do in your situation. It is really difficult as technically she is an adult and anything you try to do to keep them apart could push them together or make her more determined.
It is good that she has come home and hopefully you guys can keep communications open and talk about things and maybe come to some compromises in the meantime so she doesn't feel the need to do anything drastic like moving back in with him!
Is there anyway she will rethink college? Is she dropping out because of this guy? If so you can use the "if he really cared about you he would support you in what you want to do" argument. I guess I am thinking that maybe if she went to college and was around new people then he might not be quite as attractive to her?

Let us know how things go x

 

[eeyorefanuk]

I hope you manage to sort it

X x

 

[amacspad]

Hi, had another long talk with her while her dad went out, explaining quite a lot what a rough time he had with his ex (I know they all say that) but it did make me feel very slightly guilty, saying they have a lovely place in an old vicarage in the hills which she is desperate for me to go and see, also saying they really don't see the age difference and are really happy, she always has been very mature for her age, she will be 17 in oct. My head is so screwed up, of course I want her to be happy, I just didn't want her to settle down this young, and there is just no way I can condone the age difference, he is 10 years older than us! She just wants us all to be one big happy family but I'm not sure I can get the feeling of wanting to punch him in the face when I see him!

Debs x

 

[TotallyAngelic]

What a difficult situation you are in ... my heart goes out to you. Your DD does sound as though she is being very mature about it and not going off at the deep end but I would indeed be worried as to why a 51 year old man would be interested in a 16 year old girl .... I would definitely get a check done on the man as he could already be on the SO Register .. then you might have some ammunition. Also if he was making moves on her before she was 16. It is a difficult one as you don't want to alienate your daughter.