Updated & Revised: Will you proof-read this?

[tiff13]

I am in the middle of applying for college and this essay thing is just killing me . This is what I have so far(it has to be about why I want to attend the college):

If going to college is about rapidly running here and there, late night study sessions, and socializing, then Sierra Nevada College is the only environment I want to be in.
Some mornings I’ll awake hesitant to climb out from under the warm covers of my bed. But then I’ll remember where I am as the glare of the sun glistens the fresh blanket of snow. I get up to join a couple of friends from my GIS class for one last study session. The natural light flowing in through the windows of Prim keep me attentive. Long wooden beams stretching over head makes the room feel cozy. Taking in the crisp pine aromas, we crunch over the snow as we head toward class. The professor greets us, each one of us by name. The classes are small enough for an active discussion on everyone’s part.
After class I’ll head back to my dorm where I’ll find my city dwelling roommate awaiting. This afternoon, as promised, I’ll teach her to ski. But first we stroll over to have lunch with our Brazilian friend and to practice speaking Portuguese. On the way we recognize all most everyone. You’d never have to frantically search for a familiar face in Patterson.
Later in the night we’ll return from Diamond Peak with the howling wind. My roommate goes to do laundry while I finish up some homework and wax my skis. Who knew a college would actually offer their students a place to tune their skis and snowboards?
I may be 2000 miles from everything I knew for the past 17 years. It may be likewise for my roommate. But it’s a growing experience; learning how to cooperate with a roommate, asking insightful questions of your professors, and not procrastinating on that paper that’s due in a week. They said high school will be the best four years of your life. But I believe Sierra Nevada College will be the best time of my life and a base to grow the rest of my life off of.

Mistakes?
Any ideas of what else I should include?
TIA

 

[dejr_8]

Without any background about this college or what your major would be, I have no idea what you are trying to accomplish with this essay. It's a litte too "artsy" for me but then again I have a Ph.D. in Chemical Engineering.

I certainly wouldn't be focused on skiiing unless this is a college/major to become a ski bum.

I would focus on the academic reputation of the college and why you are attracted to that feature of the school.

Just my opinion...good luck

 

[disneymom3]

How nitpicky do you want? I will just do the basic grammar stuff for you. Of is a preposition and cannot end a sentence. (the base to grow the rest of my life off of.) Almost is one word not two. Long wooden beams is a plural phrase and should be used with make not makes.

Not knowing what the exact purpose of the essay is, just off the top of my head I would say it is a bit too much creative writing and not much fact. The only thing that struck me as far as qualities you may be choosing this college for are small class sizes. You give an awesome picture of what the campus may be like and the intimate feel of the student body and perhaps that is your biggest reason for choosing this college in particular. I have to say that overall you have a really good feel for bringing the reader into your scene.

Oh yeah, don't start a sentence with But. Your last sentence can just start with I believe....

 

[ilovepcot]

I got no further than the first sentence because you began with a preposition.

 

[kendall]

And what do you want to study and why study it at that particular university? Will this university experience prepare you for a career? If so, which career and how? Where is the future as you envision it, with this university helping you get there? I hear what you are saying about the small class size, intimate college numbers, but what else are you going to get out of the experience beyond the immediate experience itself?

I know, I ask lots of questions to get you thinking.... drives my own kids nuts. Good luck! Post a revision

 

[mecllap]

You can run your writing through Spelling and Grammar check as far as that goes -- but looks like you need to start over, with actual academic, educational reasoning for your interest in going to that school. It's not actually "illegal" to end a sentence with a prepositions, but not advisable -- and especially don't start and end with one. Avoid using "but" to start a sentence. You can refer to some of the ambiance of the school, and a bit of socializing as supporting information later on, but you seem to be missing the point of convincing that reader that you will be a great student who will benefit from a college education at that school.

 

[FreshTressa]

It does not sound serious enough. I think the tone is too casual. Also, the word I'll needs to be I will. You shouldn't shorten things like that in a formal essay.

 

[tiff13]

Thank you for the suggestions so far. I'll definately consider all of them. I will work on rewriting/rearranging it and post an updated one later.
Thanks.

 

[disneymom3]

I got no further than the first sentence because you began with a preposition.

Umm, not to nitpick, but if is not a preposition.

 

[MrsPete]

I think the casual tone is okay, but the content needs work -- what do you plan to study? what do you hope to accomplish in classes? You seem to be more interested in the socializing aspect than the learning aspect, and -- even if that is true -- I don't think it'll work in your favor.

Definitely beef up the grammar. Don't end a sentence with a preposition. Watch for verb tense shifts.

 

[ilovepcot]

Umm, not to nitpick, but if is not a preposition.

Please nitpick away! I started thinking about that after I posted and questioned what I said. Now I don't have to dwell on it. I do know, however, that I was taught to avoid using the word "if" to begin a sentence.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I wonder, what the is title of the essay? It's a good start.

 

[tiff13]

I was basing my essay off this one at essayedge.com. I didn't want to be all factual and boring. You can be harsh and whatnot. I'd rather my essay be good than crap. And as suggested I've started over.
Am I on the right track?

Henry David Thoreau once said, “It were as well to be educated in the shadow of a mountain as in more classic shade. Some will remember, no doubt, not only that they went to college, but that they went to the mountain.” After college, I hope not to be saying that I studied in a brick building but that I met my professor at the base of the mountain.

I know you have no clue what my major is because I haven't written the rest of the essay(and the more I look at it, the first essay plainly sucked). But so you can base my intro off something, I'll be a geology major.

OceanAnnie-I had not thought of a title-hadn't really put too much thought into it.

I really do appreciate all the opinions/criticisms.
Thanks

 

[OceanAnnie]

Hi Tiff. I took a look at the website you mentioned. Essays for college admissions have really changed over the years! I remember having to write to specific questions. The title for the essay was provided to the applicant. The process of writing the essay for me was similar to an exam or "written" interview.

How is the essay request worded? Is it something like, "Write an essay describing yourself and how you will fit into Sierra Nevada College."?

 

[tiff13]

How is the essay request worded? Is it something like, "Write an essay describing yourself and how you will fit into Sierra Nevada College."?

It bluntly states:
A writing sample — this sample is to be an original essay about why you wish to study at Sierra Nevada College.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Ohhh! Well there you have it. I was looking at it from my experience. Sorry about that.

--- original essay about why you wish to study at Sierra Nevada College.

I'm old school. I might start off with why I was drawn to S.N.C., the things I like about S.N.C. and why. Then I'd incorporate my goals and how an education from S.N.C. would help me achieve it. I'd probably include what I could contribute while studying at S.N.C. (using my interests as a platform to tell about myself). I'm pretty straightforward but I'd find a way to jazz it up a bit.

It's a pretty general essay. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to approach it per se. I'll check back tomorrow.

 

[PrincessTiff]

I'm in college right now and I can tell you that professors absolutely hate contractions in formal essays. They would rather see "I will" instead of "I'll". You mentioned that you based your essay off of one online, and that's a big no-no! 99% of all professors will google parts of your essay to see if you've plagiarized. Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

 

[Tiffer]

"Tiff" is a popular name on this thread!

I too think it's too casual and artsy. I am wiating for Fabio to enter the room and seduce you with his eyes!

Keep working on it. It will come together. In my experience, college will want o hear more about you. What makes you...wel..you. Your life experiences that have molded you. Also, how that connects to the college of choice and how your life will be enriched by said college.

Grammatically..I can't help you. I am an abomination myself. But content wise, it tells the reader nothing but fluff.

You are free to PM me and I will read your new version when you are done and give you some constructive criticism and guidance, if you so chose.

 

[pogo791]

Tiff13, you asked for a critique of your first stab at an essay, and you have already received good feedback. Now that you say that you're not satisfied with your original try and have started again, I don't know if I should add my two bits' worth.
Disneymom3 and MrsPete (among others) have already noted some grammatical errors. One more: "city-dwelling" requires a hyphen. In addition, I was somewhat puzzled by your sentence "Later in the night we'll return from Diamond Peak" - in this context, are you sure you don't mean "later in the day", or "during the evening"?
Given the essay title that you have been given, I would agree with those who suggest you give more attention to the academic reputation of the school. Social life and the outdoors are important, but these shouldn't be the only factors that you consider when selecting your school!
The Thoreau quotation you've selected as a new opener for your essay sounds appropriate. I would recast the next sentence to something like "After college, instead of saying that I studied in a brick building, I would like to be able to say that I used to meet my professor at the base of the mountain."

Good luck!

 

[megan4777]

I am in the middle of applying for college and this essay thing is just killing me . This is what I have so far(it has to be about why I want to attend the college):

If going to college is about rapidly running here and there, late night study sessions, and socializing, then Sierra Nevada College is the only environment I want to be in.
Some mornings I’ll awake hesitant to climb out from under the warm covers of my bed. But then I’ll remember where I am as the glare of the sun glistens the fresh blanket of snow. I get up to join a couple of friends from my GIS class for one last study session. The natural light flowing in through the windows of Prim keep me attentive. Long wooden beams stretching over head makes the room feel cozy. Taking in the crisp pine aromas, we crunch over the snow as we head toward class. The professor greets us, each one of us by name. The classes are small enough for an active discussion on everyone’s part.
After class I’ll head back to my dorm where I’ll find my city dwelling roommate awaiting. This afternoon, as promised, I’ll teach her to ski. But first we stroll over to have lunch with our Brazilian friend and to practice speaking Portuguese. On the way we recognize all most everyone. You’d never have to frantically search for a familiar face in Patterson.
Later in the night we’ll return from Diamond Peak with the howling wind. My roommate goes to do laundry while I finish up some homework and wax my skis. Who knew a college would actually offer their students a place to tune their skis and snowboards?
I may be 2000 miles from everything I knew for the past 17 years. It may be likewise for my roommate. But it’s a growing experience; learning how to cooperate with a roommate, asking insightful questions of your professors, and not procrastinating on that paper that’s due in a week. They said high school will be the best four years of your life. But I believe Sierra Nevada College will be the best time of my life and a base to grow the rest of my life off of.

Mistakes?
Any ideas of what else I should include?
TIA

Don't start a sentence with "But."

I honestly think you have WAY too many sentences. Is there anyway to consolidate them? Am I the only one that thinks this?

I may be crazy...