Update to "Reluctant 14 year old"

[Marseeya]

I just wanted to post a little update on our situation with the reluctant 14 year old. We found a possible solution for it, although I'm not happy with it at all.

My husband's father has been wanting him to come stay with him for a week or two during the summer to work at his movie theater (small second run theater). We've discussed the possibility of letting him go there while we're on our trip. My son likes that idea, but it breaks my heart. At his age, this would have probably been our last big vacation as a family and it really hurts that he so hates the idea. I still have a small hope that once he starts treatment for his bipolar, his attitude will turn around and he'll want to be with us, but I'm not counting on it.

Thanks, everyone, for the advice and opinions.

 

[dtsaos]

thanks for the update. Just wanted to say that even though it's a shame that he would rather not go, perhaps it really is for the best. Maybe working for your FIL would be really good for him and at least he won't bring everybody down on the trip. I also don't think you have to look at this as being your last family trip with all of you. He might turn around in a couple of years and you can all take a trip again and actually enjoy it, after all-he's still pretty young. I don't mean to sound harsh but I think it sounds like a good solution being that he's been so miserable about going. Good luck and enjoy your vacation!

 

[minkydog]

I know you're upset, but this sounds like a win-win situation to me. At 14, most boys would rather do anything than go on a family vacation--it's not you, it's him. Letting him go to work for his dad sounds like a reasonable solution.

Hopefully, the bipolar meds will help him feel better and get along with everyone better. I know it made a world of difference for my son. Incidentally, I got a long distance call from DS18 last night, he "just wanted to touch base" and hear all about his siblings and family stuff. Never thougth that day would come.

 

[Marseeya]

thanks for the update. Just wanted to say that even though it's a shame that he would rather not go, perhaps it really is for the best. Maybe working for your FIL would be really good for him and at least he won't bring everybody down on the trip. I also don't think you have to look at this as being your last family trip with all of you. He might turn around in a couple of years and you can all take a trip again and actually enjoy it, after all-he's still pretty young. I don't mean to sound harsh but I think it sounds like a good solution being that he's been so miserable about going. Good luck and enjoy your vacation!

I don't think you sound harsh at all. It's very hard to be objective about the situation because I'm so close to it. It was nice getting some opinions.

It's so funny, there's such a long thread from a parent agonizing over keeping her daughter home when the daughter wants to go, and I'm agonizing over it when my son would rather die than go!

 

[Marseeya]

I know you're upset, but this sounds like a win-win situation to me. At 14, most boys would rather do anything than go on a family vacation--it's not you, it's him. Letting him go to work for his dad sounds like a reasonable solution.

Hopefully, the bipolar meds will help him feel better and get along with everyone better. I know it made a world of difference for my son. Incidentally, I got a long distance call from DS18 last night, he "just wanted to touch base" and hear all about his siblings and family stuff. Never thougth that day would come.

Would you mind telling me a little more about your son's treatment and what age he started with it? If you're not comfortable with it, you could PM me.

I can understand your joy at having him call you like that!

 

[HM]

I think it sounds like a great solution. Thank you for updating us.
I'm betting that he'll be looking forward to doing things as a family again before you know it. They don't stay sullen teens forever you know.
I hope you have a wonderful trip and that he enjoys himself too!

 

[minkydog]

Would you mind telling me a little more about your son's treatment and what age he started with it?
I can understand your joy at having him call you like that!

No, I don't mind. I suspected my DS18 was bipolar when he was 13yo. He has suffered depression many times, starting at age4. At ages 4 & 7 he talking about killing himself. He was homeschooled for many years because he could not function as well in school. At home he thrived and was actually quite gifted in music, theater, writing, and art. Then starting at 13 it seemed like he started on a spiral of depression, twice a year, and no one would listen to me. He lost interest in everything he had once loved. It wasn't until he cut himself 43 times and threatened suicide that anyone else became alarmed. That was also his first full-blown mania.

In the last 15 months DS has experienced mania 4 times.He has been hospitalized twice for suicide attempts and one threat to kill someone else. He is currently living away from home, and not taking his meds. I can tell from talking to him that he is getting irritable, sleepless and depressed, all of which precedes a major depression for him. He has talked about coming home, but so far has not done so.

Before he left home we had him on Abilify(anti-psychotic), Trazadone(sleep), and Cymbalta(antidepressant/anxiety). That Abilify is great stuff. I've seen him go from almost-swinging from the chandeliers to normal in about 5 hours on that stuff. He is totally normal when he is well-controlled on meds. you would never guess he was bipolar then, but holy cow! Let him get depressed

The trouble is, DS doesn't seem to accept that bipolar is a permanent part of who he is. He has failed to "own" his mental illness and therefore sees no reason to control it. He will have to reach that conclusion on his own. Even with a great therapist, he just won't work to change anything about himself--it's always somebody else's fault. So he has great difficulty in relationships, school, work, home.

It is very difficult to live with someone who has bipolar. Ignore other parents who intimate that it's your fault--it's not. It's a terrible chemical imbalance, like diabetes or hyperthyroidism. All we can do is love our sons and guide them when they let us.I wish you all the best.

 

[zurgswife]

Glad you found a solution that works for your son....i sent you a PM...remember I'm here if you'd like to ask questions or just chat...

 

[zurgswife]

The trouble is, DS doesn't seem to accept that bipolar is a permanent part of who he is. He has failed to "own" his mental illness and therefore sees no reason to control it. He will have to reach that conclusion on his own. Even with a great therapist, he just won't work to change anything about himself--it's always somebody else's fault. So he has great difficulty in relationships, school, work, home.

I agree wholey...dd14 totally has learned to own that she is bi-polar and i think most of it is because I refused for it to be a secret...we talk about it openingly and don't make a secret of it...her friends know about her meds and I think that has really helped her...

 

[minkydog]

I agree wholey...dd14 totally has learned to own that she is bi-polar and i think most of it is because I refused for it to be a secret...we talk about it openingly and don't make a secret of it...her friends know about her meds and I think that has really helped her...

I feel the same way. Bipolar illness is no more shameful than heart disease, and it's almost as deadly. We are very open about it within the family and among close friends. Most persons with a mental illness have to come to terms with it on their own. I have a step-sister(44) who has never admitted that she has a mental illness. She takes her meds for a while, then she stops. She has had many, many hospitalizations. At this point she can no longer hold a job or live independently. But still, it's always some other reason,it's never her. so sad.

 

[Marseeya]

No, I don't mind. I suspected my DS18 was bipolar when he was 13yo. He has suffered depression many times, starting at age4. At ages 4 & 7 he talking about killing himself. He was homeschooled for many years because he could not function as well in school. At home he thrived and was actually quite gifted in music, theater, writing, and art. Then starting at 13 it seemed like he started on a spiral of depression, twice a year, and no one would listen to me. He lost interest in everything he had once loved. It wasn't until he cut himself 43 times and threatened suicide that anyone else became alarmed. That was also his first full-blown mania.

.

Wow, Minkydog, you poor thing! You sure have been through the ringer. Your son is so lucky to have a mom like you, willing to homeschool him and stick with him during all this. We just went through a year of the homeschool/cyberschool route ourselves. It was hard dealing with him 24/7, but it wasn't nearly as difficult as battling the school to get his needs met and to have them acknowledge that he had a real problem!

I can't believe your son had to get to the point of suicidal behavior to get any real help! That is such an outrage. It was starting to be the same thing here. I kept taking him to different doctors and they would all ask if he thought about suicide. Since the answer was no, well then, there must be nothing wrong with him. His last counselor kept saying it was bipolar, but we couldn't get an actual doctor to prescribe the meds. I probably don't have to tell you how hard it is to find a child psychiatrist, do I? And we live in a small town near West Virginia... even harder! I only hope our town can hang on to this new psychiatrist.

Anyway, thank you for the support. I can't tell you how helpful it is to know that people understand the situation!