UPDATE Post #50:rantings about my family-extremely long but I feel better with it

[isyne4u]

Let me preface this by saying I have to get this off my chest and I honestly don't care if it quicklys drops to the bottom of the page and no one even reads it! This is for me so hopefully I can get over it!

I am a single by choice mom, work as a teacher, and for the last year have been supporting my mother. We are trying to get disability for her but that is an ongoing battle.

Anyway, I love my brother and his wife and would do anything for them. However, its my brother that is the problem. He and his wife make 6 figures each (not including the part after the decimal point ), they drive a BMW and an Infiniti (which replaced the Lexus last year! ), they have no debt save for their house and their cars. They like to eat sushi, my brother bought his wife a Burbury (?sp) purse that was well over $300. I don't care how they spend their money, its their money and its not my business.

I, on the other hand, make less than $50,000 a year, am making two car payments (mine and my mom's), paying all the bills on the house, buying all the groceries, and everything else that comes with this plan. My problem is I cannot afford to pay all of my mom's expenses (I want her to have a car for emergencies and its a 0% financing) and she is not so disabled she needs to be put in a home...not by a long shot.

So here is the real vent...I have asked my brother to pay for mom's meds a few times becasue I don't have the two or three hundred dollars to pay for them. Now she gets most of them through the Patient RX programs so that has been a blessing. Most recetnly I asked my brother to pay for her car tax and tags to keep her legal to drive. He gave me some attitude but took them.

When I had my children I never envisioned I'd be supporting my mother at 35 years old, I never expected to have a all the expenses I have now and I can't afford them. If my mom was self sufficient I would be fine, but she's not so i'm not. If I had known this I never would have gone through everything I did to have my second child and if I had known 20 years ago that this is how things would have worked out I never ever would have gone into teaching...I would have looked for something that made money. I have a freaking master's degree and I still make less than those two who have bachelor's degrees.

I want to be able to do things with my kids and be able to live the life I had planned. Which include vacations, trips to the mountains, Disney vacations, eating out when I want to and not having anyone judge me for what I do. I have a trip planned for November and I really want to go. My brother found out about it (my fault, I take responsibility) and now he's pissed that I'm going to waste money on a trip. He doesn't take vacations so why should I.

I was talking to his wife last night (I love her dearly and hold nothing against her and it was my fault it came up, she didn't volunteer the info) but I mentioned that I should probably make time to sit down with my db to discuss the money issue. She said to be ready for a quiz about everything I've spent. Because when he pays for anything for mom that allows for more of my money to go to frivolous things and ultimately he is supporting those. WTH!! Its my life and my kids lives. He makes way more than I do and yet he doesn't want to help me out.

Our mom already feels like a burden to me and if she knew that my db and are were having issues over this she would be so upset. She has mentioned on more than one occasion that other than us and the grandkids, she has nothing to live for so why bother. I know she won't do anything because she loves those grandbabies...but it still bothers me that she even thinks like that.

I don't begrudge them the ability to afford the finer things in life (steak vs. hamburger and such) but how can you sit in judge of me and how I spend my money when you make 3 times as much as me and don't want to help me?????

I'm goinig to go looking for another job this summer so I can afford what I want and not have to ask him for money for mom. I never ask him for money for anything related to household expenses or fun expenses! I guess having a second or 3rd job and never seeing my children is better to him then he can save all of his precious money. It must be nice for him to not have to worry about money and what he has...he gets to not see the migraines I suffer with, the hair that's falling out of my head due to stress, and what my kids have to suffer because I'm always frustrated and tired.

If you have read all of this, bless you. I feel a wee bit better getting all of this off my chest. I do not want to tell my mom about this and I certainly don't want to talk to my brother about it, we have always had a good relationship and I don't want money to screw it up.

anyway, thanks,
tara

 

[beckmrk04]

Oy. Hugs to you, Tara. Your situation sounds so hard. But, you really DO need to hash it out with your brother- present it as it's not fair that you are doing ALL of the work and expenses- she's his mom too. Come up with a budget that's split down the middle, and remind him that he can afford it and it's his responsiblity to help out.

I hope things get better for you!

 

[Maleficent13]

First off all, when your brother gives you money for your mother, he is not helping YOU, he is helping HIS MOTHER. Why does he think you should be the sole support for the woman who raised you both? I would think that splitting it down the middle would be the right thing to do, and I am appalled he hasn't stepped up to the plate.

And how dare he critisize you for ANYTHING you do, the woman who is supporting HIS MOTHER? You haven't asked him to pay for a WDW trip; you've asked him to pay for HIS MOTHER's medication.

My goodness, your post just made me !!!!!!!

Many, many for you.

 

[MickeysMommy]

What Mal said...

 

[Christine]

Tara,
Your brother is a jerk!

to you...I hope you can get it worked out.

 

[DVCLiz]

I'm so sorry you have this to deal with.

You DO need to talk to your brother. If you've set up the expectation that you'll completely cover your mother's expenses and now you feel angry about it, the easy solution is to say, "Mom's expenses are becoming more than I can or should have to handle alone. We are both responsible for her long term care. How do you want to divide these expenses? I'm able to provide XXX amount of money for her care each month. What can you provide and where do those amounts added together mean she can live?"

You don't have a good relationship with your brother if you can't talk to him about your mother's care, and if her thinks your spending on yourself and your children is frivolous and taking money from him that he should not have to spend.

Hope it gets better for you!!!!

 

[Quinn222]

Itemize everything you spend for your mother. Show it to him and tell you you expect him to pay half. If he asks what you spend on yourself and your family tell him it's none of his business, you're discussing your mother's expenses.

 

[VanniGirl]

No advice just sending good thoughts your way!

 

[Keggy]

First off all, when your brother gives you money for your mother, he is not helping YOU, he is helping HIS MOTHER. Why does he think you should be the sole support for the woman who raised you both? I would think that splitting it down the middle would be the right thing to do, and I am appalled he hasn't stepped up to the plate.

And how dare he critisize you for ANYTHING you do, the woman who is supporting HIS MOTHER? You haven't asked him to pay for a WDW trip; you've asked him to pay for HIS MOTHER's medication.

My goodness, your post just made me !!!!!!!

Many, many for you.

I completely agree with this. Your brother needs to realize that he would be helping out his mother, not you.

Kelly

 

[Chicago526]

I think you need a

It shouldn't matter what you spend YOUR money on, he should be wililng to pay at least half your mother's expenses, I've always felt siblings should shoulder the $$$ responsibility equally (if there were three of you then it would be 1/3, if there were 4 of you then 1/4).

You need to go ahead and sit down with him as you've planned, outline exactly what it costs you to keep your mother (including what it costs you for having an extra person living in your home, food, extra utilities, etc.) and ask him to pay for half. And don't justify what you spend YOUR money on, and if he tries it you just say that your personal finances are not his concern, this is about how to support your mother. If he keeps trying to bring up what you spend your money on, just keep repeating it. Remind him that you don't ask him to justify the frivoless stuff he and his wife buy (luxery cars, designer purses, etc.) so you expect the same curtosey from him. Stay calm, but stay firm!

 

[SleepyMom]

Wow, you have your hands full. I don't know what I would do in your postition. Maybe make a list of all your Mom's expenses and meet with your brother in a public place (cafe for coffee or something like that) to go over it. If he is not willing to help with the expenses I would ask him to let her live with him for a year to give you a break. Does he have kids? Does he live close enough that you would still be able to visit her so she could spend time with your boys?

You spending your money on a vacation for your family has nothing to do with him and he shouldn't be bringing that into the conversation. Just because he chooses not to take a trip doesn't mean he has the right to tell you what to do.

More hugs (just because I think you can use them right now)

 

[Cthia]

You, your brother and mother need to sit down and discuss this. I know that you don't want to burden this with your mother but she needs to be part of this discussion. Your brother has to realize that he has to help your mother with her financial situation. It is mother and he needs to step up and take some responsbility too. You can't do this all alone. You shouldn't have to. Would he like to take the responsbility of her, probably not. He needs to stop thinking it is for you. If you have to put things down on paper so he can see what is being spent on your mother than I would do that.

So what that you go on vacations, you deserve them. He may not take them but he is spending his money other things like the cars.

I hope everything works out for you.

My parents are going thru this now with my grandmother. Her kids made a decision without consulting her and she was more upset that they didn't include her in the decision, not the decision itself.

 

[NMAmy]

First off all, when your brother gives you money for your mother, he is not helping YOU, he is helping HIS MOTHER. Why does he think you should be the sole support for the woman who raised you both? I would think that splitting it down the middle would be the right thing to do, and I am appalled he hasn't stepped up to the plate.

And how dare he critisize you for ANYTHING you do, the woman who is supporting HIS MOTHER? You haven't asked him to pay for a WDW trip; you've asked him to pay for HIS MOTHER's medication.

My goodness, your post just made me !!!!!!!

Many, many for you.

Mal hit the nail on the head.

He needs to step up to the plate and take responsibility. He's being a jerk--there is no reason that your mom should be your sole responsibility.

I was a single mom for awhile, too, and I know what it's like to scrimp and save for a Disney vacation and then have someone question that you're wasting money. You deserve a break--it's hard work caring for an ailing parent. Don't let him guilt you out of that. You're in the right here.

 

[minkydog]

Vent away, my dear. You have more than enough on your plate. Your brother sounds like a miserly man--evidently his wife already knows that. I think you will have to sit down with him calmly and put your mom's monthly expenses in black & white. Then split the costs and both of you contribute to a joint checking accuont set up for your mother's maintenance. Your money is not her money, therefore it doesn't matter what you're doin'g with your money. However, you need to be accountable for her money(which is sounds like you are.) Which is why a joint checking account with you & bro would be a good idea. Or you all can set up a special needs trust fund for her, which is overseen by the bank The only thing the SN trust can be used for is your mother's maintenance--meds, clothes, cable tv, car payment, taxes, etc. It forces you to be accountable for how the money was spent, which might appeal to your brother, also.

It takes the average person 3yrs to get disability. Once it goes through the SSDI is retroactive to the date of disability, but that isn't very helpful to you right NOW.If you have not sought an attorney to fight for her SSDI, get one now.

 

[Bob Slydell]

First off all, when your brother gives you money for your mother, he is not helping YOU, he is helping HIS MOTHER. Why does he think you should be the sole support for the woman who raised you both? I would think that splitting it down the middle would be the right thing to do, and I am appalled he hasn't stepped up to the plate.

And how dare he critisize you for ANYTHING you do, the woman who is supporting HIS MOTHER? You haven't asked him to pay for a WDW trip; you've asked him to pay for HIS MOTHER's medication.

My goodness, your post just made me !!!!!!!

Many, many for you.

I'm being lazy this morning, so I'll piggyback Mal and say -- what she said, right down to the

 

[Marseeya]

Everyone else has given you good advice, so I'll just give you these:

 

[bananiem]

Itemize everything you spend for your mother. Show it to him and tell you you expect him to pay half. If he asks what you spend on yourself and your family tell him it's none of his business, you're discussing your mother's expenses.

 

[Planogirl]

It's none of your brother's business how you spend your money. If he asks, tell him that.

He has an obligation to his mother regardless of how much anyone spends for other things. What a complete jerk.

 

[Steffi]

First off all, when your brother gives you money for your mother, he is not helping YOU, he is helping HIS MOTHER. Why does he think you should be the sole support for the woman who raised you both? I would think that splitting it down the middle would be the right thing to do, and I am appalled he hasn't stepped up to the plate.

And how dare he critisize you for ANYTHING you do, the woman who is supporting HIS MOTHER? You haven't asked him to pay for a WDW trip; you've asked him to pay for HIS MOTHER's medication.

My goodness, your post just made me !!!!!!!

Many, many for you.

What she said!!!

 

[isyne4u]

Wow!! Thank you for all the positive thoughts.

I have said all along that I don't feel like I should have to justify my expenses but after talking to my DSIL I feel like I have no choice.

We are working on getting the lawyer for the disability. I want to cry every time I hear how long it takes to get it. I keep thinking that if we can just get it that would be all I need. Even an extra $400 a month would be a big load off of me.

I like the idea of a explaining all of the expenses for her and then telling him this is what he needs to help with. I guess I'm not a confrontational person so I have all these arguments in my head with him and then I'm exhuasted and i don't want to fight it with him. I'm a big ole wuss.

One of the other thing that bothers me, and this is purely selfish, in about two years I really want one more child. The way things are now, I won't be able to do that.

Thank you for all the hugs. Up to this point I've been tormenting all my yaya family with my complaining, thank you to everyone!!