Uh-Oh.....should I be worried???

[sajetto]

Here's the story: My DF and I are getting married in about 7 months. The entire time we've been together we've discussed our plans. We had always agreed that we would wait to have children until after I had finished my third year of teaching....well that's a while away since I'm still in graduate school! My DF is 4 years older than me and pays for everything including my graduate tution. So far it seemed like we were on the same page about having a family........until we bought our new house last month. In the past couple of weeks he's made a few statements that have me questioning if he's really on the same page :

#1: We had to take down the handrail up the steps in the house so that the whole house could be repainted. Last week he was going to put it back up and I told him I thought it looked better without it...his response:

"But, honey if we don't put a handrail up that could be really dangerous if we have to go upstairs in the middle of the night to check on a baby or if a 3 or 4 year old is going up and down the steps on their own."

#2: I wanted to plant some greenery around a flat lifeless looking area of our yard...his response:

"I thought that we would put a play set there one day. If we plant any big stuff we'll have to move it."

#3 My DF asked me if I'd mind if we got rid of the futon in the smaller upstairs bedroom. I told him I wanted to keep it because the room was too small for a full size bed and we might need on extra bedroom just in case we had more than one guest over....his response:

"Well, I guess that's fine, but one day we'll have to get rid of it because that room is the right size for a nursery and we'll have to put the crib there."



Okay, so is he just really planning way ahead or does it seem like he wants a baby sooner than planned? I'm going to discuss this with him tonight, but I just wanted to see if anyone thinks I'm overreacting.

 

[Marseeya]

How much longer do you have in grad school?

Time just goes by so fast. Maybe he realizes that and doesn't want to make any big changes. Or maybe he's in more of a hurry than you are.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

awww..i'm smelling a baby wanter

Dh and i agreed that children would be a loooong time coming if ever as we enjoyed being single (i should say that's how i felt). He kept talking and talking babies and here i am mommy to 2!!

 

[sajetto]

If everything goes according to plan I'll graduate in December, if not, In May of '07.

 

[Bob Slydell]

#1 and 2 are good planning, it would make life easier for you down the road.

#3 is an odd statement since it takes no effort to get rid of a piece of furniture.

I will say that feelings on kids can and do change over time. DW and I originally planned on waiting 5 years after we got married before we had kids. DS#1 was born a month before our 3rd anniversary. But it was something we agreed on together as time went on.

 

[sajetto]

Even #1 seems premature to me. We could always put it up AFTER a baby. What's the sense in having it now? He is a bit of an over planner...do you think maybe he just wants to get the handrail out of the way and deep down hates the futon? I remember once a year ago he said he didn't like it very much.

 

[jcsbama]

I think he's just planning for the future. When DH and I got married, we said we were going to wait at least four years before having children so that we could spend time with just us and get things in order. We still talked about kids like we were about to spit them out and talked about where they would play, sleep, etc. We had our daughter two weeks before our 5th anniversary.

I think it's the excitement and anticipation of getting married. Contrary to what most people probably think, starting a family is when a couple becomes married, not when they start having kids. Y'all are starting a family and it's probably just making him think more about the future and what is to come. He does have good points though. When you do decide to have children, are you going to want to worry about putting the handrail back up or pulling out big bushes?

 

[Bob Slydell]

..do you think maybe he just wants to get the handrail out of the way and deep down hates the futon? I remember once a year ago he said he didn't like it very much.

Yes and yes. Every new homeowner is more apt to do repairs/additions than those who've lived in their house for a couple years, so he's probably assuming he'll never want to do it in a couple years.

And yeah, if he said he didn't like it in the past, then he's using a future baby as an excuse to break it to you gently that he wants to pitch it now.

 

[sajetto]

Whew! See, I'm so glad to have the DIS. I've probably just gotten myself all worked up over nothing. Thanks for putting my nerves at rest, I'll still run it by him though just to make sure that we're still on the plan for me to get tenure from school first

 

[vetrik]

My guess is that he's overplanning/using future children as a excuse. I think it's still worth having the "talk" about kids again to make sure you're still on the same page. DH and I have been married 2 years (as of 5/22) and we agreed before marriage that kids were many, many years off. However, once we were married and in our house, he started talking about kids a LOT. He said he didn't want to be an "old dad", and he'd be talking a lot about having kids soon. He even told his mother I was pregnant as a joke - NOT a good joke for an excited grandma-to-be! I had to have a serious talk with him to find out where he stood, since I'm definitely still not ready. It turned out that when it really came down to it - he wasn't ready yet either. Sometimes, I still think that he'd be all for it if I came home today and said it was time though!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

He might just be a planner. Sounds like something I would have said and we did wait 5 years to have children. The handrails are generally considered a safety thing, also, and you should consider anyone who visits your some. Thinking ahead as far as landscaping makes sense. So yeah, I think that you might be making too big a deal of this unless there are really other things going on.

 

[ceiligh1]

It sounds to me like he is just an over planner who is also happy to have his own place to decorate. We have a friend like that he budgets for everything. He has even included in his life plan and budget forcast what year he and his wife will have their first child 2007 and second 2009. I am not worried about the baby shower quite yet.
I think you should just ask him to make sure. Things change but if you are going to be married it is always best to make sure that you both are still thinking the same way.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Even #1 seems premature to me. We could always put it up AFTER a baby. What's the sense in having it now? He is a bit of an over planner...do you think maybe he just wants to get the handrail out of the way and deep down hates the futon? I remember once a year ago he said he didn't like it very much.

If he is planner, then he is a planner.

Also you should have a handrail, just a matter of safety.
It would make your house "incomplete", you know?

As far as greenery outside, who is going to be "in-charge" of mowing, etc...

As far as the futon, maybe he does hate it. The point really is does he respect your wishes and do you respect his?

 

[Nicolepa]

Even #1 seems premature to me. We could always put it up AFTER a baby. What's the sense in having it now? He is a bit of an over planner...do you think maybe he just wants to get the handrail out of the way and deep down hates the futon? I remember once a year ago he said he didn't like it very much.

Well, let me tell you about the handrail. We took ours down while painting. Dh never put it back up. 3 YEARS later I was walking down the stairs with the baby and slipped. In my gut instinct to protect her I flung back and ended up with a a trip to the ER, a compression fracture, a year of physical therapy, and problems every now and then. He was at Home Depot later that day buying a handrail and hardware.

If you don't put the handrail up now, it will be the last thing you think of when you are pregnant. Plus, I could have just as easily slipped w/o the baby, probably would have ended up tumbling down the stairs. Put the handrail up TODAY!

 

[diznygirl]

I would say over-planner. It takes one to know one!

When we were building our house I was talking to the builder about the fourth bedroom that might be the third children's room.... he looked at me strange, "Are you pregnant?" Well, no I wasn't - I only have the one child. He thought I was crazy to be planning for the third before I even had the second!!!!

Give him a break - sounds like he wants to live in this house forever and is making long-term plans.

 

[princess pooh]

My DH and I almost bought a house recently and he took any future babies into account when thinking about the remodeling. He's definately not ready for kids right now but I think it's easier to arrange the house from the start than go back and do it later. It was cute hearing him talk about playrooms and swingsets though .

 

[minniecarousel]

Yeah - this warrants a "talk", but I see nothing more than a planner at work!

 

[sajetto]

Okay, we just had that little talk and its no more than him being the over-planner that he is

Now let me just say.................

Thank Goodness!!!

Guess I'd better cool it with the bananas though b/c we all know that's how we could get into a big mess