Ugh: vent - my spouse - hold me back

[MushyMushy]

I don't get this attitude of not being able to express displeasure with a spouse who does something careless or destructive! So what if it causes a fight. Married couples fight. I'd much rather argue than sit and let it stew until I couldn't take it anymore.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I'm sure he didn't mean to it.

Cool down--but then certainly address it. You have a right to be upset....but don't turn it into anger. It is "just a floor". It is unfortunate what occurred, but he can no more undo the damage than you did.

I speak from *some* experience.

We had a picture--a pencil drawing from my husband's older db. We have no idea why we have it--we just did. Very good picture. No glass in it.

I was busting my rump trying to get this house in order and in a very unfortunate circumstance something got on the picture smack dab in the middle of it--ruining the picture. There is NO way to repair this.

My husband was livid b/c we had this picture for 10 years stored in a garage at our old home and nothing happened to it...and in one accidental blip of me cleaning the house--poof, ruined.

He got angry and I got very upset. I wasn't trying to deflect responsibility but there was literally nothing I can do to fix it. I began crying b/c it escalated into an unnecessary argument for which he did later apologize.

Getting angry won't fix it--but you have every right to be upset about it. . Your floor can be fixed at some point. The pencil drawing is ruined forever. In the end they are just things. As long as he didn't do it on purpose--give him the opportunity to apologize for it and then let it be.

I'm sorry about your floors.


Is this a scrape or a gouge? I'd find it hard pressed to assume that he notice and chose to move more furniture and damage the floor. Noone but OP's husband knows what is going on in his head.

*note--I am not in any way saying let him get away with it. I'm just saying think things through before you explode over something that can be fixed. I only know one thing--Anger doesn't fix bupkus.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I don't get this attitude of not being able to express displeasure with a spouse who does something careless or destructive! So what if it causes a fight. Married couples fight. I'd much rather argue than sit and let it stew until I couldn't take it anymore.

Fighting won't fix it.

My husband left Christmas ornaments in my garage in a precarious position that caused the box to tumble and breaking several ornaments inside. He didn't mean to do that. And it was uncharacteristic of him to be careless and I was crushed to find that my son's first Christmas Ornament was destroyed.

I was upset and boy did he know it. But I wasn't looking for a fight nor was I looking to rip him a knew one. I was hysterical (he wasn't there) and had my moment of grief...but in the end....fighting out of some perceived right to rake him over the coals, never would made time go backwards.

(ornament was a metal ornament, shattered to bits that had dumbo on to. A friend recommended to save Dumbo. So if I Find where he got packed, I will do that.)

 

[NikitaZee]

I don't get this attitude of not being able to express displeasure with a spouse who does something careless or destructive! So what if it causes a fight. Married couples fight. I'd much rather argue than sit and let it stew until I couldn't take it anymore.

Yup! I agree.

 

[Hannathy]

Sorry but you aren't comparing apples to apples both of your examples were accidents. Did you continue to go around and destroy other pictures? did your husband knock down 1 ornament then turn around and throw down 2 more boxes? This man didn't stop after the first scrape, he continued to move furniture and continued to put scratches on the floor the first scratch was an accident the 3rd and fourth and so on was malicious and purposeful.

 

[MushyMushy]

Fighting won't fix it.

My husband left Christmas ornaments in my garage in a precarious position that caused the box to tumble and breaking several ornaments inside. He didn't mean to do that. And it was uncharacteristic of him to be careless and I was crushed to find that my son's first Christmas Ornament was destroyed.

I was upset and boy did he know it. But I wasn't looking for a fight nor was I looking to rip him a knew one. I was hysterical (he wasn't there) and had my moment of grief...but in the end....fighting out of some perceived right to rake him over the coals, never would made time go backwards.

(ornament was a metal ornament, shattered to bits that had dumbo on to. A friend recommended to save Dumbo. So if I Find where he got packed, I will do that.)

From the sound of your stories, the person who caused the damage was at least SORRY, whereas in the OP's, the husband has a history of brushing things off. In my opinion, that makes a world of difference. Also from my perspective, my husband has a habit of doing that too -- he doesn't apologize or show any remorse for things like that. I've told him a thousand times that a sincere apology or regret would deflate my anger quicker than anything. I don't know if that's the OP's case or not.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Sorry but you aren't comparing apples to apples both of your examples were accidents. Did you continue to go around and destroy other pictures? did your husband knock down 1 ornament then turn around and throw down 2 more boxes? This man didn't stop after the first scrape, he continued to move furniture and continued to put scratches on the floor the first scratch was an accident the 3rd and fourth and so on was malicious and purposeful.

Accident or not--destroying something that is one of a kind....is more serious (IMHO) than something that is damaged but repairable, even if it isn't in the budget at the moment. Intent doesn't mean much unless what he did was malicious. He could have thought--"oh crap--she's going to be mad I did that--but will she be even more mad if I don't finish moving the furniture?"

We just don't know. But I'm glad OP is venting about it. Sometimes that first wave of anger is the worst and has to go somewhere--before it damages a relationship. Now she can be upset with his actions and calmly figure out how to address him rationally on how he will fix the problem.

Anyway--it is just an opinion.

 

[Promomx2]

 

[JLTraveling]

I think the husband's behavior was passive aggressive. He didn't necessarily "mean" to ruin the floors, but it didn't really bother him if he did. He didn't want to move the furniture, he may not have been able to move it into the garage by himself, and he acted in a hurried and thoughtless manner in an effort to get the job over with. Maybe he didn't notice that he was gouging the floor...but if he'd been paying attention he certainly would have.

I used to be in the remodeling business. The floors can be repaired and, depending on the extent of the damage, it should be significantly less expensive than redoing the whole room. I would make DH pay for it. Himself. By giving up something that's important to him. Yes, they're his floors too, but OP paid the bill. And even among roommates, never mind couples, there's a tacit agreement that whoever causes damage to common property is responsible for fixing said property. No need to come unglued at him, but I wouldn't let him shirk the responsibility either.

JMO. Hope you get things resolved.

 

[sunnyday123]

I think you have a bigger issue than your scratched floors if a typical response to your concerns is something as rude and dismissive as "oh well" or "you should have moved it yourself."


Sorry

That's what I was thinking. IF that is his response, that says that he knew it would probably damage the floors, and just didn't care. I would be more mad at him if that was the response than about the scratches in the floor.

 

[grafxgirl]

You can fill them in....you still see them but they are less noticeable. First try one of those furniture crayons for wood....they have them at Bed Bath and Beyond. If that doesn't work try Bona Floor Refinisher (I think that's what it's called....it's by Bona also available at BB&B). I'm sorry I know how bad it hurts when you get a scratch!!

Try lemon oil. I use it on my wood floors, and trust me they are scratched up too. It does a pretty good job hiding them.

 

[Imzadi]

Accident or not--destroying something that is one of a kind....is more serious (IMHO) than something that is damaged but repairable, even if it isn't in the budget at the moment. Intent doesn't mean much unless what he did was malicious. He could have thought--"oh crap--she's going to be mad I did that--but will she be even more mad if I don't finish moving the furniture?"

He could have used his brain to ask, "How can I move the rest of the furniture without scraping up the floor?"

IMO, it doesn't matter if it is repairable or not. (Although your situation was bad. ) The floor should have to be repaired.

The fact that he has a history of a behavioral pattern of not accepting responsibility for his actions (and will most likely do it this time too,) is part of the definition of Passive-Aggression. They don't come out and clearly say what they really think & mean. Nor are their actions straight forward. They cause problems, either directly or indirectly to get OUT of doing what they perceive they are forced to do. Then they try to dismiss or excuse their actions to get out of being responsible - saying she should have moved it herself.

IF the DH really didn't want to move the stuff to the garage, he should have said to the OP, "Hire a couple of high school kids to move it. It will be cheaper and take less time than fixing the floor if I do it, because I'm not moving it to the garage. If you want ME to move the stuff, it's going in here. That's as much work as I am going to put in."

AND he could have still moved it without scraping the floor. There are furniture glides, towels, placing brown paper bags under the feet, etc., that can be put under furniture while moving it. Even high school kids (not adults,) have been able to figure that stuff out.

I think the husband's behavior was passive aggressive. He didn't necessarily "mean" to ruin the floors, but it didn't really bother him if he did. He didn't want to move the furniture, he may not have been able to move it into the garage by himself, and he acted in a hurried and thoughtless manner in an effort to get the job over with. Maybe he didn't notice that he was gouging the floor...but if he'd been paying attention he certainly would have.

Yes, the thoughtlessness, not paying attention & then dismissive attitude afterwards which he has already exhibited a pattern of are all passive-aggression.

 

[Abbie]

Uhm. He is is not her child. These are just as much his floors as they are hers.

But apparently he doesn't care about them the same way she does. Shouldn't he respect the home and its contents as a partner in the home?

I'm sorry, OP, your husband was thoughtless and careless. I would be very angry too but I'm glad he is out of town at the moment. It will give you time to cool off and figure how to approach him in a calm manner. There is no reason not to let him know how you feel.

In the end, it's just "stuff" though. In our house we have "the ten-year rule". If we are upset about something we just ask ourselves "will this matter in ten years?" That might guide you when deciding how to express yourself to your DH (and I'm guessing that isn't "dear" for you tonight!)

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Maybe your DH isn't strong enough to carry the furniture by himself.

 

[liltinkerbell25]

Sounds to me like he doesn't realize how important it really is to you. I would just stay calm and explain how you are feeling. Getting mad at him is going to make him defensive and then all positive communication becomes lost. He loves you, and doesn't want to cause you any pain, he's just unaware. You might have to work on this with him, but that just means you both have chances for some personal growth

 

[Planogirl]

How can someone be unaware that damaging a new floor is the wrong thing to do? I don't see how fighting would help but saying something about it seems reasonable.

 

[Tinkh]

Goodness, I am not a particularly big or even strong girl and I can move my furniture without scratching my floors. Lift an end or leg and slide a towel or sheet under it and slide it. (We actually have those little cushion and/or legs that are safe for hardwood on all ours now) Not hard. I would be livid if my husband destroyed something beautiful due to carelessness and then did not have any regret or even apologize for doing so. That was a LOT of money and it was from the loss of your aunt. I would be PO'd and heck ya we would be fighting.

 

[Imzadi]

Maybe your DH isn't strong enough to carry the furniture by himself.

This is an acceptable excuse???

I've had to move an entertainment center by myself that looks like this across the floor by myself:

I am a female. Since, I obviously couldn't lift it by myself, I tilted up each edge & stuck a thick piece of cardboard under each corner, so it wouldn't scrape across the floor as I slid it. I have also used folded up newspaper, or towels, & went out & got furniture slides for other times I've had to move too heavy furniture. That's what people who care about what they are doing do. Or people who care about their partner enough to care that she spent $8000 to get a floor redone do. She's fixing the place up. Obviously she cares what her home looks like. She spent $8000 on that very floor, obviously she cares.

How can someone be unaware that damaging a new floor is the wrong thing to do? I don't see how fighting would help but saying something about it seems reasonable.

I don't get people defending his behavior?

 

[Tinkh]

This is an acceptable excuse???

I've had to move an entertainment center by myself that looks like this across the floor by myself:

I am a female. Since, I obviously couldn't lift it by myself, I tilted up each edge & stuck a thick piece of cardboard under each corner, so it wouldn't scrape across the floor as I slid it. I have also used folded up newspaper, or towels, & went out & got furniture slides for other times I've had to move too heavy furniture. That's what people who care about what they are doing do. Or people who care about their partner enough to care that she spent $8000 to get a floor redone do. She's fixing the place up. Obviously she cares what her home looks like. She spent $8000 on that very floor, obviously she cares.

Totally agree!!

 

[Hannathy]

This is an acceptable excuse???


I don't get people defending his behavior?

I don't either!!! And they seem to be younger women to and that disturbs me. Are they that desperate or what I don't get it, but my generation would be spitting fire.

It's his attitude that appalls me and one she better assess before really serious things start hitting the fan. Is he going to be that passive aggressive/careless when they have kids? or if she were to develop an illness he needed to care for her?