Ugghh

[djy252]

Removed

 

[mickeywho?]

 

[NY Disney fan]

I am so sorry you are going through this horror! Please thank your lucky stars you found this out before you married him. My (ex) H cheated on me before we married and duriing. When someone shows you their true character..believe them!

The best site to deal with this issue is: www.survivinginfidelity.com

 

[~disneydiva~]

No words of advice.. just

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Before you beat yourself up too much, realize that he kept this hidden and did not want you to know. He was careful.

Part of the allure of cheating is too "cheat", in order to fulfill that fantasy he has to be with someone.

On a fluke you clicked on something and he was busted.

So kick him to the curb, realize that this is a "sex game" he plays and move on with life....

 

[Serena]

You will get over this.

 

[starrzone]

Oh hon...I can't imagine the heartbreak you're going through right now. PLEASE talk to someone about this; a girlfriend, a close relative, a clergy person, or even a therapist...you will need support going through this very, very hard time.

It will likely take a long, long time to get over this. You won't forget it, but it's up to you whether to move on or not. I know this is in NO WAY as bad as what happened to you, but I'll share my story...last summer, I was seeing a man I thought something could happen with. The third week of July, he ceased all contact, and then BAM...I saw on his Facebook page that he had another woman, who was DIFFERENT than the girlfriend he had been seeing on and off for the past 8 years. Just look at it as that we both dodged a bullet...it took 6 months before the crying, anguish, and hurt disappeared, although I still think of what an *ahem* he is. Especially since he got married to his woman over the summer, and acts as though nothing ever happened when he sees me.

Remember, everyone has a different way of dealing with things, and the definition of "get over it" might differ from person to person. Do what's right for YOU, and go slowly...don't jump into dating right away (yes, I have experience with this, too...another post for another time!). And I'll say this again...talk to someone. You might not think you need the help, but there are resources out there to help us deal with this sort of thing. Best of luck to you .

P.S.- you are NOT stupid. All of us have been duped at one time or another, and it hurts. A LOT.

 

[NY Disney fan]

One of the worst things you will go through is not only finding out this horror but still feeling love for him. This is NORMAL and everyone who has been betrayed feels this way. The love you have for him will not go away overnight but you now have to decide what you WANT OUT OF YOUR LIFE. He threw you under the bus, big time. Now is the time to be selfish. Do you want to a.) stay by his side while he fixes himself (this is a long drawn out process that will either succeed or fail) b.) or you want to cut ties now?

ETA: The reason people cheat (commit adultery) is becuase something is wrong with THEM. They are broken inside. There are many issues at play here. He needs to see a therapist. This has NOTHING to do with you or your actions.

 

[robinb]

{{hugs}}

I'm glad you found out about this now and until after you were married.

 

[a1tinkfans]

I have been with my fiance for 2 years now, I thought he was my soul mate, when we met we just connected so perfectly. I honestly thought I would grow old with this man. Well last week I was looking thru our vacation pictures while he was at work and I saw this icon on the desk top and went on it. It was a adult sex site and it signed him in. There were emails from women who has met for sex from the site. I am so totally devasted. I left and am staying with a friend right now. And he is sooooo mad at me because I found out. He said if I would of married him right away he never would of went on that site. He was married before and has 2 daughters from that marriage. When his oldest daughter found out I moved out she called me. I did not tell her about it, but she told me about when her mom and dad were married and he did the same thing. In fact that was part of the reason they divorced. He told me she cheated on him with a family friend. How on earth could I of not seen this? I am a RN and have taken many psychology courses. I am totally heart broken and he blames me for it. I did get STD tested. How can someone do this to someone they claim they love? I feel like I am living in a nightmare right now. I am numb and have a hard time concentrating. I know deep down its a blessing I found this out before we married but that doesnt make the hurt stop. How can you get over something like this?

OH, please do not beat yourself up over this "person" I will not call him a man.
He is a manipulator and he is out of your life! Thats the good part, seriously. A person like that does not change, they just prey on people that they can deceive. He did it to his wife (which by the way, I applaud you for not discussing this with the daughter, she needs no more reminder of how lousy a person her father really is)
While you feel so hurt and upset and "dumb" (you are NOT) you are so lucky to have found this out before a wedding. Before his "problems and issues became Yours...lord knows what else he is up too....

I hope you are able to look back on this situation someday without tears, knowing that YOU are a good person that deserves someone that is capable of honesty and loving you, like you deserve. There are good guys out there!
My heart aches for you and we are all hear to listen.
hang in there, this will fade eventually and you will be stronger for it. I am so sorry to hear this happened to you!
You deserve so much better!

 

[Handbag Lady]

What a total loser. Who does he think he is, trying to turn it around to make it seem like your fault?

Thank goodness you have a good head on your shoulders. You will get through this.

And hey, at least you didn't waste the best 8 years of your life on a loser like I did. I hope that makes you feel better. I wasn't stupid, you are not stupid.

 

[momof1princess]

please do not beat yourself up over this, you've done NOTHING wrong as a PP said, something is wrong with HIM, not with you. you are NOT stupid, you were loving and trusting. we've all been fooled at some point, it doesn't make us stupid, it makes us human. we want to believe people are basically good, but not everyone is.

 

[mickeyboat]

I am so sorry.

NY has given you a valuable resource. Please go to the website she suggested.

This was not your fault. Don't let him make you think it is. He is a jerk who doesn't deserve you. I know it's hard to see it now, but you are so lucky you found out now!

Denae

 

[mrsmom]

 

[Avalon_toon]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but you are not to blame. Its natural to grieve for the lost future you thought you would have, but if he was willing to cheat before the marriage, he would have been willing to do it after, too. I hope you will reach out to friends and family to help you through this betrayal...

 

[KAMKIM]

Sorry meant to start a new thread not respond to this one

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Run for the hills.

I know you are devestated, but he is deflecting responsibility for his poor choices on to you--which is often the sign of an addict. (google sex addiction to find out more)



You could have eloped the day you met and he would have still done this.

I cannot share more information--I wish I could....however, please research, please get support and do not allow your fiance to lie to you anymore.

He WILL lie to you. He WILL get more sneaky. He WILL continue this problem until he decides to seek help.

Walk, do not run--far away from him. It is up to you on whether or not to provide an ultimatum and there are psychologists out there who train specifically for sex addiction/cheating issues that include what your fiance has done.

I would not even consider a second chance without him promising to work on that. I've been in therapy (for other reasons) and depending on the issue, there is often homework. It becomes obvious when someone who suffers an addiction (or major issue as in my case with post traumatic stress disorder)--glaringly obvious if the patient is not doing the homework as the homelife does not improve.


It is normal all the feelings you are experiencing--from guilt, to passion--and all points in between.

One final note--it is important to note that there is nothing that YOU can do to fix this and make it not happen again. YOU can do nothing so don't believe a word out of his mouth along the lines of "well if you did this, or if you do that--it won't be a problem".

It's a LIE!

 

[Poohbear123]

{{hugs}}

I'm glad you found out about this now and until after you were married.

So true, my DD Married her cheater, although she didn't know it till 2 years later, he had been cheating on her from day one... They are now divorced.

 

[djy252]

removed

 

[manning]

I must be a strange man. I never could understand cheating. Maybe it's because my wife is a good shot. I like Paul Newman's response when asked why he didn't cheat. "Why would I want hamburger when I have steak at home".

The guy's a dud. Be glad he is now out of your life.