Two ---- walk into a bar....

[WDWHound]

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here.

4. Two dyslexics walk into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two TV antennas meet in a bar, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


Continued one post down...

 

[Bichon Barb]

Tee-hee. I'm giggling like a fool! Love them. Thanks,

 

[WDWHound]

Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says "Get out, we don't serve your type here".

Two strings walk up to a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender threw him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string roughs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" String says, "No, I'm a frayed not..."

Two skeletons walk into a bar, they order beer and a mop

Two termites walk into a bar. They ask "Is the bar tender here?"

A five-dollar bill walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Get outta here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar

A bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Can I have a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic Please?"
The Barman replies "Yeah sure, but what's with the big pause?"
The bear holds up his paws and says "I'm a bear!!"

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He starts eating the beer nuts at the bar and he hears a voice say, "Wow! You look GREAT tonight!" . The man looks over at the bartender who didn't say anything and just keeps drinking and eating beer nuts and he hears something again! "That's an awesome shirt! You are amazing!" He looks around and he's the only guy in the place so asks the bartender if he had heard anything and the bartender says, "Was the voice saying bad things or good things?" And the man replies, "Good things, why?" . And the bartender says, "It must have been the complimentary nuts."

 

[nativetxn]

Two termites walk into a bar. They ask "Is the bar tender here?"

I am just a little slow, I think. I had to read this several times before I "got it".


LOL

 

[Boo'sMom]

A mushroom walks into a bar, the bartender says "we don't server your type in here" The mushroom says "but why not? I'm a fungi"

 

[WDWHound]

Two blondes walk into a bar. They make a toast to 17 days. The bar tender was curious so he asked "what's 17 days?" and they replied, "We finished a puzzle in 17 days and it said '3 to 7 years' on it"

 

[nativetxn]

*snicker* and I'm blonde, so I'm allowed

 

[WDWHound]

A Koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich and the bartender brings him a sandwich

The Koala eats the sandwich and gets up, spins around, pulls a pistol out of his pouch, shoots the piano player, an proceeds to walk out of the bar.

The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, "hey who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think your going!

The Koala replies, "Hey I'm a Koala. Look it up."

The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up Koala: "n. a marsupial that eats shoots and leaves."

 

[WDWHound]

A snail crawls into a pub as it’s being closed. The snail pounds and pounds on the door until the barman finally opens the door. Barman looks around and sees nothing until he hears a small voice demanding to be served. The barman looks down at the snail and says, "Look, we're closed and besides we don't serve snails!" and proceeds to slam the door. The snail again pounds on the door until the barman gets so frustrated that he opens the door again and kicks the snail about 5 feet away. A year later as the barman was about to close up the bar again, he hears a pounding on the door again. He opens the door and looks down to see the same snail again. The snail looked up and replies, "What'd you do kick me for?"

A goat walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint.
'Sorry I can't serve you' the barman said.
'Why not' asks the goat.
'We don't serve kids' answers the barman.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

 

[nativetxn]

Okay, these 3 were real *groaners*

 

[Bichon Barb]

You took the words right out of my mouth nativetxn.

BUT...the others were worth the pain of those last three.

 

[WDWHound]

A Number 12 walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint. 'Sorry I can't serve you' states the barman. 'Why not' asks the number 12. 'You're under 18' replies the barman.

A brain walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint. Upon being refused he asks why. 'You're out of your head' replies the barman

A golf club walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint. The barman refuses to serve him. 'Why not' asks the golf club. 'You'll be driving later' replies the barman

(sorry folks, they seem to get worse as I as go futher into the google search results).

 

[nativetxn]

They do, Hound! But this is fun

 

[WDWHound]

and I'll finish it off with one of my favorite jokes of all time....

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're a mean drunk."

 

[nativetxn]

Now, <b>that</b> was funny

 

[Pugsley]

These are great! But this thread isn’t complete without the old classic:

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says “why the long face?”

 

[Geoff_M]

This priest, rabbi, and minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What?!?!? Is this some kind of a joke!"

If you like groaner jokes like these, listen this is annual Joke Show epispode of the Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor: http://www.prairiehome.org/performances/20030201/