Tween girl drama...WWYD? (long..sorry)

[leagirl12]

My dd just turned 11 this past Friday. She had 2 friends over for the night. One had been to our house a few times (girl A) and the other was a first timer (girl B). Well DH worked that night and the next night so he had to sleep during the day. I spent a good part of the morning reminding the girls to try to keep their voices down. I left with all three of them and DS around noon to run errands. We went to the park and ate lunch and before they went off to play I reminded no throwing of rocks...well they started tossing rocks so I called them to the car and we left. Never getting on to them besides saying we were leaving because they were doing something they were told not to do.

We also went to Wal-Mart and the girls got a little rowdy while we were there...I just told them to calm it down a bit. Anyway...never once did I raise my voice. However, we finished up our errands by taking DS and DD to baseball/softball evaluations. While we were there girl B saw her Aunt there and went to sit with her during the evaluations....no big deal.

Well...last night DD informs me that girl B told her at school that she was not allowed to come to our house again. Apparently she told her Aunt that I had been yelling at them and the Aunt told the mom. I asked DD and DS had I yelled and somehow missed it and they both said no. I called the Mom of Girl A, who I am friends with, and asked her to speak with Girl A about the events of the weekend and she also said she never felt I yelled at them. She said I got on them a few times about being loud but nothing out of the ordinary. My friend said she knew that Girl B's mom was super protective over her and that may be part of it. Girl B has had some health problems in the past and my friend got the impression she doesn't get disciplined too much at all. Not that I was truly disciplining them..just asking that the rules of our house be followed. I talked with DD about how I hate that Girl B's mom feels this way but I am not going to allow friends to come over and not follow the rules of our house...just like I would expect her to follow the rules of someone's house if she went there.

So here is my dilemma...my reason for the WWYD? DD, Girl A, and Girl B say they are all Best Friends...so I have a feeling Girl B may invite my DD over to her house at some point. I am not sure that I am comfortable with her going to someone's house when that girl is not allowed to come to hers....but I also don't want to punish DD for the actions of someone else. Any advice??

 

[mjkacmom]

If they're friends, I suck it up and let my dd go over there - it's not fair to punish her. It sounds as if girl B's parents are light with the discipline - I've never yelled at my kids' friends, but have yelled at my kids, and have wondered if my actions got back to other parents!

 

[SilverSynchro919]

I'm not a parent, so take my advice for what it's worth, but maybe speak to the parent of Girl B? A lot of times kids can misconstrue things, especially when they are upset. Girl B's parents might not know you very well, and if you explain things to them, they might change their minds. As for your daughter going there, I don't totally see any reason for her to not go to Girl B's house, because it is no one's fault that Girl B isn't allowed to come to your house.

I hope that helps!

 

[NMAmy]

DD has often said that I was yelling at her when I was merely saying something that she didn't want to hear.

I'd call the girl's mother and explain what your child told you and explain the situation. Don't be defensive, just explain that you were asking the girls to follow the rules without yelling. Once you've done that, if you get nowhere, then you've done all you could.

 

[Kathi OD]

You're blowing this waaaay out of proportion. No way would I be calling Girl B's mother. I'd be pretending DD never told you that Girl B isn't allowed over any more.

If DD gets invited to Girl B's house, let her go. The parents aren't annoyed with DD, they're annoyed with you. Given time, they may relent and realize that a child's perception of a situation is not reality.

Also, continue to allow DD to invite her to your house. It's her parents' call on whether she comes or not.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

Ahh fun.. tween sleepover drama. I wouldn't punish your DD either, but if the friend is making mountains out of molehills to her mom, she's probably making them to everyone else. How does your DD feel about the situation?

I'm going to say just go through the motions and ride it out for now because you're probably going to only deal with this girl temporarily. Tweens sometimes change "best friends" more often than they do underpants.

 

[HM]

I totally agree with Kathy OD on this.

There will always be a bit of drama with tween and teen girls. What is a problem one day will not be the next.

 

[krcit]

DD has often said that I was yelling at her when I was merely saying something that she didn't want to hear.

I'd call the girl's mother and explain what your child told you and explain the situation. Don't be defensive, just explain that you were asking the girls to follow the rules without yelling. Once you've done that, if you get nowhere, then you've done all you could.

I think that is what I would do. For what it is worth, if my kids friends weren't allowed over here because I yell at them, they'd never have anyone over Just kidding but I will correct behavior if a kid is doing something we don't allow. If the parent doesn't like it then that's too bad. I expect my kids to be corrected if they were doing something dangerous or something they were told not to. Now, my nieces and nephews and my oldest dd's best friend...all bets are off, lol. They get treated just like they were my own...the good and the bad...hugs and kisses and sometimes yelled at!

 

[puffkin]

You're blowing this waaaay out of proportion. No way would I be calling Girl B's mother. I'd be pretending DD never told you that Girl B isn't allowed over any more.

If DD gets invited to Girl B's house, let her go. The parents aren't annoyed with DD, they're annoyed with you. Given time, they may relent and realize that a child's perception of a situation is not reality.

Also, continue to allow DD to invite her to your house. It's her parents' call on whether she comes or not.

Exactly what I was going to say

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Let It Ride....

With an 18yodd and a 13yodd in middle school, I give up.

Unless someone is being beaten or bullied I try not to get "involved". Now I will listen to drama, however my response is....

"what are you going to do?"
"what do you think happened?"
and so on...

If they ask for advice, I give it however I make it so they have to make the decisions.

Comes in handy, esp. after what I went thru with college dd last night.

Think of this as practice.

 

[leagirl12]

Ahh fun.. tween sleepover drama. I wouldn't punish your DD either, but if the friend is making mountains out of molehills to her mom, she's probably making them to everyone else. How does your DD feel about the situation?

I'm going to say just go through the motions and ride it out for now because you're probably going to only deal with this girl temporarily. Tweens sometimes change "best friends" more often than they do underpants.

WOW....how right you turned out to be. LOL! DD came home today and informed me that all three girls got into a little bit of a disagreement today and when DD asked Girl B why she always took the side of Girl A....Girl B told her it was because she liked Girl A more. Well DD obviously didn't like that response at all so she has decided that it is best for her to just cut ties with Girl B. DD and Girl A had a talk after school about how they could still be best friends even if Girl B and DD didn't get along...they both understand they don't have to have exactly the same friends.

I was very proud of DD and how she handled the situation and didn't get really broken up over the whole thing. When I was her age I would have been in pieces if someone told me they didn't like me. She has a much stronger personality than I did at that age. I am very happy about that.

Going through things like this just make me laugh at my friends who have all boys and wish they had girls...they really have no idea. LOL!!!! I don't have any of this drama with her brother.

Thank you to everyone for your feedback. I had read your responses before I got home but didn't have time to respond...I had decided to just let it all go...but now I guess I don't have to worry about it at all.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well, your first post did not sound like tween drama to me--it sounds like Mommy drama. You (a mom) getting upset over what DD said that soandso said that soandso said . . .that another mom said (that the other girl cannot play at your house because you yell). If you want to make a decision based on what the other parent says/think please call that person directly and work it out--it would be a very good example to set for your tween girl to not make decisions based on a chain of gossip

Your follow up does sound like typical tween drama. If it is very typical you may find that your DD is best friends again with the irl she is currently on the outs with by next week (and the current best friend may be on the outs later-and 6 other girls will be involved in various ways). I think it is awesome that you care, but try to just be a sounding board for your DD but otherwise mostly take a step back and let her navigate these murky waters. Friends and alliances tend to change a lot for girls this age and it is rough--but I think it gets harder for the girsl who feel they have to stick with a decision about whether to like a girl or not because Mom is part of the decision and then the girl is afraid to disspoint mom. I guess I could have said this more easily by jsut saying it is GREAT to be there for your DD, but try not to get sucked into the drama yourself

My other comment is not meant to be harsh, so I hope you do not take it that way. It is just something to think about. I think maybe some parents have different ideas about what is acceptable behaviour from a host family. For example, I can totally see that when kids are good friends and have spent a lot of time at eache other's houses they might ask if they can do an overnight at a not so convienient time and THEN I would perhaps tell them that we have to be quiet while dad is sleeping (DH has done shift work too), run errands, etc. and then if they still want to I would call the other parent and let them know that the kids want to do this but it will be and errand kind of day and not a typical guest thing. But, I would never be running errands, or have planned for the girls to have to stay queit enough to let someone sleep on the first time someone was at my home--nor for ANY time if it had been an invite intiated with me unless I was very clear from the get go that this would be happening. I certainly would not be taking guest children to be watching my chidlren partake in an activity (baseball evaluations) that they were not a part of. Honestly, my DD would probably not want to go back if she had been invited for a fun overnight and ended up spending the better part of the morning talking in hushed tones and followed that up by running a bunch of errands with a park trip and lunch in between--and I likely would not send her back either. Yelling would have nothing to do with it. I only mention this because it is perhaps a part of the other family's thinking. You'll never know unless you decide to ask though (but if they do tell you please update us all!).

 

[luvmy3]

You're blowing this waaaay out of proportion. No way would I be calling Girl B's mother. I'd be pretending DD never told you that Girl B isn't allowed over any more.

If DD gets invited to Girl B's house, let her go. The parents aren't annoyed with DD, they're annoyed with you. Given time, they may relent and realize that a child's perception of a situation is not reality.

Also, continue to allow DD to invite her to your house. It's her parents' call on whether she comes or not.

I agree with this. If Girl B's parents continue to say no everytime you invite her over, maybe then I would call and explain to them what had gone on but I wouldn't do anything about it now.

ETA Not all tweens switch friends like underwear, My dd 12 and her group of friends have been very close since 1st grade, even through changing classes and now being on different teams. This girl and your dd may be friends for a very long time.

 

[luvsJack]

WOW....how right you turned out to be. LOL! DD came home today and informed me that all three girls got into a little bit of a disagreement today and when DD asked Girl B why she always took the side of Girl A....Girl B told her it was because she liked Girl A more. Well DD obviously didn't like that response at all so she has decided that it is best for her to just cut ties with Girl B. DD and Girl A had a talk after school about how they could still be best friends even if Girl B and DD didn't get along...they both understand they don't have to have exactly the same friends.

I was very proud of DD and how she handled the situation and didn't get really broken up over the whole thing. When I was her age I would have been in pieces if someone told me they didn't like me. She has a much stronger personality than I did at that age. I am very happy about that.

Going through things like this just make me laugh at my friends who have all boys and wish they had girls...they really have no idea. LOL!!!! I don't have any of this drama with her brother.

Thank you to everyone for your feedback. I had read your responses before I got home but didn't have time to respond...I had decided to just let it all go...but now I guess I don't have to worry about it at all.

DD just went through a bit of this kind of drama. There were actually 4 girls with two being sisters. All together at my house for NYE and then at the sister's house the next night. Somehow oldest sis and dd had a bit of a tiff. And the end result was one sister telling dd that their mom said she could not go over there anymore.

At first I was angry but decided to just be quiet and let it ride. In the end it came that the older sister wanted to be best friends with the other non-sister (who is really dd's bff) and just wanted to start drama with dd to get her out of the picture, so to speak.

Its all over now and the 4 girls are friends again (not as close as they were but they talk anyway) and the sisters' mother didn't actually say anything of the sort. I am so glad that I didn't do the first thing I wanted to and confront their mother!! (and going by what you are saying, that could be the case with you too)

I didn't realize that girls can be so mean and vindictive!!!

 

[Sandy V.]

Another piece of advice that we learned the hard way: When you invite kids over, try to make sure that the total number of kids (including yours) at your house is an even number, not an odd one.

When you've got an odd number, no matter what the scenario, it always seems like they tend to pair off and someone is left out. This only adds to the drama and the potential for hard feelings, bad behavior, etc.

It's tough to be a parent and not take this kind of stuff personally, but you really have to try and minimize that (and your involvement). Because, believe me, you are ONLY just beginning that journey.

Good luck. As my signature says, parenting is NOT for sissies!!!

 

[blanq]

I say you should trade in your tween girl for a tween boy because tween boys never cause that kind of drama. Okay, just kidding (well, about the trade in thing but not about the drama).

 

[marcyinPA]

My other comment is not meant to be harsh, so I hope you do not take it that way. It is just something to think about. I think maybe some parents have different ideas about what is acceptable behaviour from a host family. For example, I can totally see that when kids are good friends and have spent a lot of time at eache other's houses they might ask if they can do an overnight at a not so convienient time and THEN I would perhaps tell them that we have to be quiet while dad is sleeping (DH has done shift work too), run errands, etc. and then if they still want to I would call the other parent and let them know that the kids want to do this but it will be and errand kind of day and not a typical guest thing. But, I would never be running errands, or have planned for the girls to have to stay queit enough to let someone sleep on the first time someone was at my home--nor for ANY time if it had been an invite intiated with me unless I was very clear from the get go that this would be happening. I certainly would not be taking guest children to be watching my chidlren partake in an activity (baseball evaluations) that they were not a part of. Honestly, my DD would probably not want to go back if she had been invited for a fun overnight and ended up spending the better part of the morning talking in hushed tones and followed that up by running a bunch of errands with a park trip and lunch in between--and I likely would not send her back either. Yelling would have nothing to do with it. I only mention this because it is perhaps a part of the other family's thinking. You'll never know unless you decide to ask though (but if they do tell you please update us all!).

I was thinking the same thing as I read the OP's post. If this was a birthday sleepover for her daughter, why were they running errands and going to baseball evaluations for her son? And if the DH works overnights and sleeps during the day, maybe the girls should have been invited over after the DH woke up.

Tween girls (and some boys for that matter) are LOUD. They laugh, they giggle, they screech. It's what they do!! They thought they were there for a birthday celebration. I think having to be quiet, and the drug along on errands on top of it....well, is kind of a drag!!