Trusting someone is getting very difficult

[Mickeyistheman]

This sort of is a another post about my brother's girlfriend.

She went out again tonight with my brother's friends and they were drinking again. When she said that she promised both my mother and myself that she wasn't going to drink anymore. She said she was going to call it an early night and not hang out with them but low and behold it is now 230am and she is still out.

When I went downstairs to get my laundry I saw that they had been drinking and now I feel like a total fool. I want to be able to trust her again but now I know that I can't and she has a problem.

My brother who is in Iraq has no idea what has been going on and I think he needs to know. Unfortunately he had said this would happen because it happens to most who go away to war. Their wives and/or girlfriends cheat.

We are going to ask her to move out and find somewhere else to live if she is going to continue drinking this way.

Are we being unfair? If we did this I am just afraid that it would just break my brother's heart and I don't want to cause him anymore pain than nessescary.

Any suggestions would be most helpful.

Thanks

 

[HeatherH]

I'm sorry, I don't know the living circumstances or ages of anyone here, but my gut says it's not your business and to stay out of it. You have absolutely no evidence that she CHEATED, only that she went out drinking. Unfortunately, many young people do go out and drink to excess, at least on occasion.

However, if you brother's girlfriend is living with you and paying rent, and you are uncomfortable with her behavior, you are certainly within your rights to ask her to find other living arrangements.

If she does move out, I would not say anything to your brother, again that is between the two of THEM and not you. He will find out soon enough if the woman he left home is the one who is meant for him in the long term.

God bless your brother and keep him safe as he serves our country.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

Sorry, I did leave out some of that..

She does not pay any rent, she pretty much lives here scott free. She really doesn't even pay for the food. She used to help out alot more but she got into some legal issues and we even helped her out with that.

She is an adult 25 years old but has had many problems in the past that when she drank it was bad and on Thanksgiving Eve we went out and she got very very drunk and got violent with me.

The next day we talked about it and she said she didn't remember anything she said and apologized and said she was not going to drink anymore she was really going to stop. I wanted to beleive her, she even said to me tonight before I left for the movies if it was too late she wouldn't go out and again another lie.

I mean I just don't trust her at all now and I don't know what to do.

 

[bumbershoot]

To me, there's also the issue of her being out with *his friends*. If she's cheating with them, that's not cool on their part as well. So if you tell "on" her, tell on them, too, b/c he should know what friends really aren't friends.

 

[Magic Mom]

Unfortunately he had said this would happen because it happens to most who go away to war. Their wives and/or girlfriends cheat.


Any suggestions would be most helpful.

Thanks

This is such an untrue myth. Some people cheat (including the soldiers), but not most. How old is the girlfriend? Putting your life on hold for a year and dealing with the everyday, every minute, every second stress of a Middle East deployment is difficult, especially for very young couples. Its hard to see their friends out having fun while they sit home day after day waiting for a phone call. Its SO scary to live everyday wondering if today will be the day. Some people deal with that better than others.Look at thingds from her perspective. She lives with her boyfriends family, who are watching her every move. Her boyfriend is in a WAR, she doesn't have him ( her best friend) around to confide in. She can't really vent to you because you are his family. Her friends don't "get" what she's going through. She doesn't have the full support of military services because they aren't married.
If she isn't actually cheating, just out drinking, sit down and talk to her. Include her in your plans to give her somethng else to do than bar hop some of the time. If you don't have proof of cheating, keep your feelings about her to yourself. If you think she has a drinking problem talk to her about it, and offer your support not your disapproval.
Hopefully she's not cheating, but either way, as long as your brother trusts her and loves her, it doesn't matter if she isn't living the way you approve of. And right now the last thing you want to do to your brother is put him in the middle (unless she's sleeping around or taking hm to the cleaners financially). He doesn't need that right now where he is.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Living under one roof you do see quite a bit and what you are seeing isn't pretty. I think I'd deal with the ways she is taking advantage of the living arrangement. She isn't being responsible and that is a festering sore in your (and your mother's) relationship. I'd lay everything on the line; lack of a job, not sharing household responsibilities, being untruthful, drinking & staying out late. The drinking and staying out late is a source of worry to you and your mother and you don't need that especially now worrying about your brother.

I'd let her know if she won't/can't straighten up she needs another place to live.

 

[Aliceacc]

Going out doesn't necessarily imply drinking, Nor does it imply cheating.

But it sounds as though alcohol is a problem for her. The fact that she doesn't remember getting violent with you is significant.

Is there any way you could talk to her about AA?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would MYOB frankly. Getting in the middle of someone's drinking and drugging is asking for a pain spiral.

Now if she came to you and asked for help that is different.

That being said, I wouldn't have a "girl/boy friend" living with me permanently, rent free, so that I do not understand.

Hell my own kids would not get that, so I just don't relate with that.

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[The Mystery Machine]

In addition, this is your mom's house right?

My advice to you would be to stay out of it. Now if it was your house then it is a different story.

Let the owner of the house make the decision. Don't get caught up in this.

I know it stinks but trust me, I have seen enough to know that the one getting hurt will be YOU in the end.

 

[Stephanie218]

My brother who is in Iraq has no idea what has been going on and I think he needs to know. Unfortunately he had said this would happen because it happens to most who go away to war. Their wives and/or girlfriends cheat.

Umm...my husband has been gone for over 4 months already, and I haven't hopped into bed with anyone else. It's pretty offensive to generalize and stereotype like that.

You have no proof she is cheating - just drinking. And if she is legal, she's allowed to drink. Maybe she just likes being with his friends because it reminds her of him.

If the living situation is not working, that's your mother's responsibility to figure out, not yours.

 

[Stephanie218]

This is such an untrue myth. Some people cheat (including the soldiers), but not most. How old is the girlfriend? Putting your life on hold for a year and dealing with the everyday, every minute, every second stress of a Middle East deployment is difficult, especially for very young couples. Its hard to see their friends out having fun while they sit home day after day waiting for a phone call. Its SO scary to live everyday wondering if today will be the day. Some people deal with that better than others.Look at thingds from her perspective. She lives with her boyfriends family, who are watching her every move. Her boyfriend is in a WAR, she doesn't have him ( her best friend) around to confide in. She can't really vent to you because you are his family. Her friends don't "get" what she's going through. She doesn't have the full support of military services because they aren't married.
If she isn't actually cheating, just out drinking, sit down and talk to her. Include her in your plans to give her somethng else to do than bar hop some of the time. If you don't have proof of cheating, keep your feelings about her to yourself. If you think she has a drinking problem talk to her about it, and offer your support not your disapproval.
Hopefully she's not cheating, but either way, as long as your brother trusts her and loves her, it doesn't matter if she isn't living the way you approve of. And right now the last thing you want to do to your brother is put him in the middle (unless she's sleeping around or taking hm to the cleaners financially). He doesn't need that right now where he is.

I agree with all of this. I'm currently visiting with my parents to save money, and I can guarantee no one understands what I'm going through. There's no bases around here, no active duty military. My friends from high school call me on the weekends to go out, and most Friday nights I am waiting for my once or twice a week call from Iraq. The lifestyle is vastly different, and some people just deal with it better than others. That could be the partying reaction.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

Thanks for all the replies. I first want to say that she and I are very close and we do confide in each other. I am 30 years old and living at home to help out with the bills due to the way the economy is at the moment. She works full time and makes good money.

My parents made the choice of letting her stay here. I mean she did help out a few times by giving some money but that has stopped.

She got so drunk one night a few years ago right before she started seeing my brother and hit a telephone pole. So drinking has been a HUGE issue and my brother doesn't want her to drink at all really.

I know it has to be difficult for her but her own parents don't help her at all and they are not close and she got kicked out of their house as well.

I know my brother loves her and I want to really really beleive that she loves him but trusting her right now is hard.

The other thorn is this girl at work, whom she has befriended. She has ALOT of problems and drinks everyday. She is 24 and wants a boyfriend so badly is sickening and she has been going through my brothers friends like underwear!!

She said she was going to distance herself from her because she knows she is bad news and would bring her down the wrong path (again!)

 

[OceanAnnie]

Thanks for all the replies. I first want to say that she and I are very close and we do confide in each other. I am 30 years old and living at home to help out with the bills due to the way the economy is at the moment. She works full time and makes good money.

My parents made the choice of letting her stay here. I mean she did help out a few times by giving some money but that has stopped.

She got so drunk one night a few years ago right before she started seeing my brother and hit a telephone pole. So drinking has been a HUGE issue and my brother doesn't want her to drink at all really.

I know it has to be difficult for her but her own parents don't help her at all and they are not close and she got kicked out of their house as well.

I know my brother loves her and I want to really really beleive that she loves him but trusting her right now is hard.

The other thorn is this girl at work, whom she has befriended. She has ALOT of problems and drinks everyday. She is 24 and wants a boyfriend so badly is sickening and she has been going through my brothers friends like underwear!!

She said she was going to distance herself from her because she knows she is bad news and would bring her down the wrong path (again!)

Sorry. I don't know why I thought she wasn't working. Lots of new information in this post. It sounds like there wasn't any "ground rules" or expectations established by your parents before she moved in. That's unfortunate, but it can be changed by them.

I hope it all works out for the best.

 

[Tiggeroo]

If you really are 30 (which I doubt) you need to move out of your parents home. You can't really complain about anything if you are a 30yo adult living in your parents home. You are way to involved in your brothers' and his gf's personal life. Normally 25yo's are much less mature then 30yo's.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

If you really are 30 (which I doubt) you need to move out of your parents home. You can't really complain about anything if you are a 30yo adult living in your parents home. You are way to involved in your brothers' and his gf's personal life. Normally 25yo's are much less mature then 30yo's.

Why would I lie about being 30? That doesn't make any sense and for the record I moved back home to help out my family when they ran into a very bad situation. I had a surmountable amount of money saved and they needed my help. I in turn also needed theirs because my boyfriend that I was living with came out of the closet! So moving back home was the best thing I could do at the moment and help my family.

I contribute to the household and where I live in New Jeresy and in my line of work it didn't pay to have an apartment.

I have many friends that live with their parents or had to move back for one reason or another.

 

[GothTink]

It sounds like she's drinking....but not necesarrily cheating. Perhaps she's passing the time and drowning her sorrows while she waits for DH's return? I wouldn't kick her out, but I would have a good conversation with her, to let her know what is expected of her in order to continue living there (like respectfully being quiet if she gets in after midnight, etc.).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So why is she allowed to live there rent free if she works? What explanation would your family give to you as to the reasoning behind this.

If someone is in dire straights that is one thing but your description is far from that.

There is really nothing you can do except move out when it all comes down to it.

As it stands now you are paying her bills indirectly (what you contribute to the house). Are you OK with that?

 

[Mickeyistheman]

She has been paying things here and there when she could.

She got into some legal issues with this dumb ticket she got and now she is trying to pay it off. It is quite expensive and truthfully was not her fault but nonetheless she has to pay that now, so whatever she was contributing now she can't.

She pays for the cable and does help out with our food shopping as well.

My brother was the one that said that she would leave him because she couldn't handle it. I love this girl and I know deep in my heart that she and my brother will be very happy and love each other for all the right reasons.

What truly concerns me is her drinking, due to her past. I would hate for something to happen to her while my brother is away.

We are very close (my brother and I) and we have a very very small family and we are important to each other. He asked me to look after her and just make sure she is okay. She and I have become very close and have great laughs and good times together. This is something that just started happening which is why I am nervous about it.

After the other night we did have a good heart to heart and we cried and talked and talked and got everything out on the table. So when last night I felt that whole converstaion went out the window made me question if I can really trust her again.

 

[Bluestars]

I don't understand why she is not paying rent. She is an adult.

It sounds like a very difficult position that you and your parents are in. If my son's or brother's girlfriend lived with me and I saw that type of behavior right under my nose, it would be extremely hard to stay out of it.

It sounds like she really needs to find another place to live. I can't see any good coming from her living in that house and doing the things she is doing. If you don't tell your brother, he might be mad at you later. If you do tell him, it might cause him a lot of anxiety. Frankly, it would be better if she did whatever she wanted in her own home.

I don't think there is anything wrong with your parents letting her know she needs to start paying rent and establishing some ground rules. I also don't think it's wrong to insist she attend AA meetings as a condition of her staying there. People have a right to keep their home free of alcohol and the problems that come with those addictions.