too smothering

[BirdLegsRed]

I am so sad. I was just told by my best friend that I am too smothering. Not in those exact words, but close enough. I didn't mean to be....my mom died in 2009 and I miss that closeness that I had with my mom...we were very close...and I guess I pushed it onto my best friend..if that makes sense. She said it bugs her when I tell her about every single problem I have....I haven't meant too, its just I run off emotion and she is so level-headed and I value her opionon so much. I always give her a chance to vent her problems but she is the opposite of me...she keeps them to herself.

So now I feel I must pull back because I don't want to lose the friendship. I just feel so hurt about it. I am an only child, and she is the closest thing to a sister that I have.

Thanks for letting me vent. If you have to flame, please be nice about it...I am in tears as it is.

 

[eliza61]

I am so sad. I was just told by my best friend that I am too smothering. Not in those exact words, but close enough. I didn't mean to be....my mom died in 2009 and I miss that closeness that I had with my mom...we were very close...and I guess I pushed it onto my best friend..if that makes sense. She said it bugs her when I tell her about every single problem I have....I haven't meant too, its just I run off emotion and she is so level-headed and I value her opionon so much. I always give her a chance to vent her problems but she is the opposite of me...she keeps them to herself.

So now I feel I must pull back because I don't want to lose the friendship. I just feel so hurt about it. I am an only child, and she is the closest thing to a sister that I have.

Thanks for letting me vent. If you have to flame, please be nice about it...I am in tears as it is.

Ok, take a deep breathe. I think right now you're running on emotion. My dad recently died and I've been a basket case with emotions. You just lost your mom, it's going to take some time.

You say you're very close, if so I don't think she would want to lose your friendship either.
If she is the opposite of you, you have to accept her for herself. It can be very hard to be a 24 hour shoulder to cry on. I felt bad when a good friend of mine lost her husband. It took her a long time to rebound (if such a thing is possible) and every day she ended up crying on my shoulder in the ladies bath room. It was hard.

Heck, some times even my hubby has to take a break from my emotions.

Why not give you and your girlfriend a day of fun. I did this recently. I needed to turn off all the stress. Go to a spa, no talking about depression, death, politics, money problems NADA.

Also give yourself time to grieve. accept that every problem may not get solved immediately. accept that for a while you may be sad. that's totally ok. This may be a good time to do some self evaluation. What are some things that can make you happy solo?

Hang in there. That sunny day is really closer than you think.

Hugs!!

 

[Stitchnut]

Ok, take a deep breathe. I think right now you're running on emotion. My dad recently died and I've been a basket case with emotions. You just lost your mom, it's going to take some time.

You say you're very close, if so I don't think she would want to lose your friendship either.
If she is the opposite of you, you have to accept her for herself.
Heck, some times even my hubby has to take a break from my emotions.

Why not give you and your girlfriend a day of fun. I did this recently. I needed to turn off all the stress. Go to a spa, no talking about depression, death, politics, money problems NADA.

Good advice.

How long have you been friends with this person? Maybe when the time is right, you could share your feelings with her about thinking of her as a sister. There is a possiblity that she doesn't know how you feel about her. Good luck and I'm sorry to hear about your mom.

 

[BirdLegsRed]

We've been friends for 29 years (wow - I cant belive its been that long). I did tell her she was like my sister in the email I sent her back. ( I had sent her an email, wondering if there was a problem between us, cause it seemed she was acting "off", and thats when she sent me the email back about me being too smothering.) So she does know now, and your right, she may not have known before. She has a sister but she doesnt speak to her. I am just more of a person who shows my emotions and doens't hesitate to tell my friends how much they mean to me....for instance you tell her you love her, she says "back atcha"...so she doesnt show emotion very well.

 

[ilovesugar]

What kinds of things do you guys do together? When you talk, what do you talk about?

Without trying to sound totally harsh, it is possible that since you are so heartbroken about losing your mom, that you have turned into more of a negative person? Meaning, is all you talk to her about your mom or your feelings or sorrow? I have an office worker that in general is just not a happy person and the only thing that comes out of her mouth is complaints about something or someone. (Note: I am NOT saying this is how you are). It breaks a person down after a while to the point where they need to take a step back or they start turning negative. Is this possibly what is happening? Are you possibly using her shoulder to cry on so much, that she feels like that is all she is to you?

Again, I am not trying to be harsh and am not the best at putting things into words so I hope that your feelings are not hurt by this.

 

[BirdLegsRed]

We don't do anthing together. She has 3 kids and I have 4 and by the time we get off work, we are both too tired to go out. Plus her husband probably wouldn't like it. On weekends, time is spent with family....he doesn't like her to be on the phone for long periods of time either.

We work together so thats mainly the only time I see her. We inter-office email alot. I dont think I am too negative, I don't talk alot about my mom anymore, although I admit right after she died, up till the year anniversary, I did alot. *Maybe* I am negative...I try not to be though. THat is something I will have to think about. I just have alot of anxiety and I bounce things off her...she is so much more level headed than me and can make me see the obvious sometimes, like I said earlier. I guess I am re-creating my relationship with my momma with her, and I see I can't do that. I mean, my mom and I talked about EVERYTHING. Several times a day. BUt my mom didn't have a life of her own, my family and I were her life, and as I type this I realize my friend DOES have a life of her own.

 

[indimom]

I think Eliza gave you some very good advice.
My sister was "dumped" as a friend about a year ago because she wasn't "close enough" (she was more like your friend and is very private and not lovey-dovey at all) so I guess people can feel both ways and it is very hard to know where our boundaries lie and to be comfortable outside our box.

When another sister of mine went through a divorce a couple years back, I went from an occasional phone call to numerous calls EVERY day, at all hours of the day. During meals, during work, after I'd gone to bed, constantly. It was not easy. I didn't want to hurt her, but I couldn't make it all fit into my life and I admit I started screening my calls and only accepting them when I knew I had time for a lengthy talk. (I had a family who needed me too.)

Could it be something like this? Since you don't have your mother to talk with anymore, have you made your best friend your only "go to" girl?? Maybe you should look for other/more women friends to help fill your needs, from church or work or possibly a grief support group (folks who would also understand your need to grieve??). Maybe you could fine a charity or organization you support and pour some of your time/energy/emotions into that. And if you really feel like you are struggling emotionally, then you might want to give genuine counseling a try.

I really feel for you. This is a hard spot to be in. Sorry I couldn't be more help.

 

[JessicaR]

Don't blame yourself. You are what you are. You sound like a sweet caring individual. Probably just more sensitive and open than your friend is. I would hate to think that you need to change and be something you aren't or to restrain your feelings. I would also be open to the possibility of adding new friendships! You never know where or when a new one will bloom.

You sound like a lovely person and I would be happy to be your friend.

 

[BirdLegsRed]

Thank you all for your advice. And just typing out my thoughts and reading what you said has given me some things to think about. I really appreciate it so much.

 

[ilovesugar]

I think Eliza gave you some very good advice.
My sister was "dumped" as a friend about a year ago because she wasn't "close enough" (she was more like your friend and is very private and not lovey-dovey at all) so I guess people can feel both ways and it is very hard to know where our boundaries lie and to be comfortable outside our box.

When another sister of mine went through a divorce a couple years back, I went from an occasional phone call to numerous calls EVERY day, at all hours of the day. During meals, during work, after I'd gone to bed, constantly. It was not easy. I didn't want to hurt her, but I couldn't make it all fit into my life and I admit I started screening my calls and only accepting them when I knew I had time for a lengthy talk. (I had a family who needed me too.)

Could it be something like this? Since you don't have your mother to talk with anymore, have you made your best friend your only "go to" girl?? Maybe you should look for other/more women friends to help fill your needs, from church or work or possibly a grief support group (folks who would also understand your need to grieve??). Maybe you could fine a charity or organization you support and pour some of your time/energy/emotions into that. And if you really feel like you are struggling emotionally, then you might want to give genuine counseling a try.

I really feel for you. This is a hard spot to be in. Sorry I couldn't be more help.

This is pretty much what I was trying to get at. Not really "negative" in the literal terms. It sounds more like OP needs someone to talk to about everything and is laying it all into one persons lap. That person has a husband and family of their own to take care of. Your suggestion about finding more friends is sure to help this friendship, and situation.

 

[eliza61]

We don't do anthing together. She has 3 kids and I have 4 and by the time we get off work, we are both too tired to go out. Plus her husband probably wouldn't like it. On weekends, time is spent with family....he doesn't like her to be on the phone for long periods of time either.

We work together so thats mainly the only time I see her. We inter-office email alot. I dont think I am too negative, I don't talk alot about my mom anymore, although I admit right after she died, up till the year anniversary, I did alot. *Maybe* I am negative...I try not to be though. THat is something I will have to think about. I just have alot of anxiety and I bounce things off her...she is so much more level headed than me and can make me see the obvious sometimes, like I said earlier. I guess I am re-creating my relationship with my momma with her, and I see I can't do that. I mean, my mom and I talked about EVERYTHING. Several times a day. BUt my mom didn't have a life of her own, my family and I were her life, and as I type this I realize my friend DOES have a life of her own.

And look at the life you two have!! One thing I know about us moms is that we donot give ourselves "down" time.

I bet the average gal her on the Dis
-Has kids
-plans kids and family daily life
-plans kids and family's social life (vacations, family obligations)
-deals with school
-probably works\stay at home mom (I really don't know which one is more stressful, I've done both)
-deals with the money issue in the family

heck, I swear that's half the reason I hang out at the Dis. Now throw in the death of the love one, daily depressing news on the radio, plus Oprah telling us to be happy and skinny. Is it any wonder we all aren't bonkers

 

[indimom]

And look at the life you two have!! One thing I know about us moms is that we donot give ourselves "down" time.

I bet the average gal her on the Dis
-Has kids
-plans kids and family daily life
-plans kids and family's social life (vacations, family obligations)
-deals with school
-probably works\stay at home mom (I really don't know which one is more stressful, I've done both)
-deals with the money issue in the family

heck, I swear that's half the reason I hang out at the Dis. Now throw in the death of the love one, daily depressing news on the radio, plus Oprah telling us to be happy and skinny. Is it any wonder we all aren't bonkers

Amen.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Awww, hearing that must have been a terrible blow. Don't be too hard on yourself, you have been grieving so that's what all the raw emotion has been about. Your DF obviously cares a great deal about to you have stood beside you all this time. I also think it must have been very hard for her to open up and re-set the boundaries between the 2 of you. She put the ball in your court so after a day or 2 of thinking it would probably be a good idea to let her know that you understand what she is saying and will do your best to set things right, but don't be all mushy.

Just think of all the nice people on the DIS you can lean on, you're not alone.

 

[Imzadi]

I just have alot of anxiety and I bounce things off her...she is so much more level headed than me and can make me see the obvious sometimes, like I said earlier.

I'm sorry, but this does sound negative to me. People don't like to be used as a constant sounding board for other people's anxiety. It sounds like you come and dump all your anxiety onto her. She gives you advice and you leave feeling good, while she is probably emotionally and mentally drained. Even if she doesn't show it. That anxiety has to go somewhere and she was the recipient of it.

It must be hard for her to see you come over, or call or email and think, "Oh, here comes another round of anxiety & problems." Yes, that can get smothering. And it's toxic.

This relationship sounds like it has become uneven to me. You do all the needing and she does the advising. Yes, like a parental role, and not as an equal friend having give and take.

You say she is more level headed and doesn't seem to share. Do you really ask about her and then listen? Or do you assume that she has her act all together? I wouldn't want to share with someone who doesn't give me the chance. What's the point? Perhaps you are misinterpreting her inability to show emotion to one who doesn't bother putting them out there if they aren't going to be received.

Also, I wouldn't want to go out with someone after work if the majority of my time with them at work was spent listening to their anxiety.

Sounds like you had a great caring mom. She worried about you, and as a Mom, she wanted to help fix things and hear your anxiety.

But, it doesn't sound like the role your friend wants. She's not your mom.

 

[descovy]

It sounds like your friend really cares about you, and I imagine it was very hard to bring this up to you. I really think she wants to continue the friendship, and probably misses the "good times" and wants them back.

I've been in your friend's shoes before actually. Had a friend always want to talk about her issues, her life, her troubles, her joys, her concerns, her everything. The friendship became very one-sided. I was only to help, listen, give... but no room to share.

My issues, stories, etc... we didn't talk about that. Only her stuff. And we couldn't talk "fun" "light" be chatty, silly anymore. Just work through her troubles.

I so wanted to say something, but I didn't have the guts too. So after months of this, I sat in silence,and eventually created some distance. Sadly we weren't ever the same again. I just didn't know how to break it to her.

I suggest give her a little but of time, and then call and invite her out for lunch, drinks, some fun girl time. Re-establish what made you such great friends. Have fun again soon!
Friendship is give AND take. By both people...

 

[NHdisneylover]

I would take it as a very good sign that she responded and told you what the problem was--it means she does care and would like to get the friendship back on track.
I respectfully suggest that you find a counselor, pastor, etc whom you can speak with regularly. Unload your anxieties there (and hopefully be given strategies to help you keep them at bay in the future) and work on thinking of your friend as just that a FRIEND.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I am so sad. I was just told by my best friend that I am too smothering. Not in those exact words, but close enough. I didn't mean to be....my mom died in 2009 and I miss that closeness that I had with my mom...we were very close...and I guess I pushed it onto my best friend..if that makes sense. She said it bugs her when I tell her about every single problem I have....I haven't meant too, its just I run off emotion and she is so level-headed and I value her opionon so much. I always give her a chance to vent her problems but she is the opposite of me...she keeps them to herself.

So now I feel I must pull back because I don't want to lose the friendship. I just feel so hurt about it. I am an only child, and she is the closest thing to a sister that I have.

Thanks for letting me vent. If you have to flame, please be nice about it...I am in tears as it is.

What a great friend you have. She values your friendship enough to be honest with you, so she doesn't want to damage the relationship. Other mediocre friends would just start to blow you off, and eventually end the friendship.

Take a step back. Wait for her to call you. When she told you, did you thank her and apologize?

Of course you feel hurt. Anyone would. But, I bet she undertands why you are so clingy to her. Obviously, you cherish her friendship enough to want to keep her as a friend, right?

Go ahead and make new friends. Join a book club or a coffee group or a ??? group, something you are interested in.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

We don't do anthing together. She has 3 kids and I have 4 and by the time we get off work, we are both too tired to go out. Plus her husband probably wouldn't like it. On weekends, time is spent with family....he doesn't like her to be on the phone for long periods of time either.

We work together so thats mainly the only time I see her. We inter-office email alot. I dont think I am too negative, I don't talk alot about my mom anymore, although I admit right after she died, up till the year anniversary, I did alot. *Maybe* I am negative...I try not to be though. THat is something I will have to think about. I just have alot of anxiety and I bounce things off her...she is so much more level headed than me and can make me see the obvious sometimes, like I said earlier. I guess I am re-creating my relationship with my momma with her, and I see I can't do that. I mean, my mom and I talked about EVERYTHING. Several times a day. BUt my mom didn't have a life of her own, my family and I were her life, and as I type this I realize my friend DOES have a life of her own.

Since you don't do anything together outside of work, it is possible that all this interoffice sharing of feelings is uncomfortable for your friend in a workplace setting. She might also be thinking that it may affect her job if a boss gets hold of any personal e-mails that were done on company time. Remember that inter-office e-mail is never private. Or the increased amount of time you are spending bouncing ideas off of her is taking time away from her job. A few here and there was probably fine, but during work hours, bouncing everything off of her may make her stressed that she is taking time away from her work duties.

I want to second the thought of getting out there and creating a life for yourself. Even with 4 kids, you need to make time for something that is 'yours'. Volunteer, get involved with a group, even take an exercise class. (Exercise is wonderful for helping to lift the blues and anxiety.)

And if you need to bounce things off of somebody, how about a support group or even a therapist? That would relieve your friends of having to act as your therapist/sounding board and free you to have a wonderful friendship.

Hang in there, things will get better.

 

[BirdLegsRed]

Yes, you are right...I think I do need a therapist. Although, I do want to make clear, our friendship isn't just one sided....I mean, I do ask about her kids, and her vacations, and everything. And everytime we talk I'm not just talking about my problems. But a therapist is a good idea. I take medication for anxiety and depression from a psychatrist (sp?) but I dont go to therapy there. I dont know if he requires it or not, but they've never told me to, so ...I don't.

My moms death was sudden, she was in a traffic accident so it hit me hard. And like I said we were very close. And typing this out to you all, I can re-read what I wrote and see that I am trying to probably transfer my relationship with my mom over to my friend. LIke I said earlier, my mom had no life...we (her family) was it. But I know my friend does have her own life.

And yes, I do have a great friend...I am thankful I have a chance to "fix" our friendship.

Thanks again to all of you..the people on the DIS are great.

 

[ilovesugar]

Yes, you are right...I think I do need a therapist. Although, I do want to make clear, our friendship isn't just one sided....I mean, I do ask about her kids, and her vacations, and everything. And everytime we talk I'm not just talking about my problems. But a therapist is a good idea. I take medication for anxiety and depression from a psychatrist (sp?) but I dont go to therapy there. I dont know if he requires it or not, but they've never told me to, so ...I don't.

My moms death was sudden, she was in a traffic accident so it hit me hard. And like I said we were very close. And typing this out to you all, I can re-read what I wrote and see that I am trying to probably transfer my relationship with my mom over to my friend. LIke I said earlier, my mom had no life...we (her family) was it. But I know my friend does have her own life.

And yes, I do have a great friend...I am thankful I have a chance to "fix" our friendship.

Thanks again to all of you..the people on the DIS are great.

Good luck to you and you can always come to the DIS if you need to bounce something off people.