Too harsh?

[mumom95]

No, you weren't too harsh. It helps to go psycho on them every once in a while. Keeps them on their toes.

So true, So true

OP, I do think you overracted a bit, but what mom hasn't, so don't beat yourself up over it. You were right about wanting to check it over thoroughly, but I think you went a little overboard on the reaction to what your daughter had written. You came on here to vent about what your daughter did, she wrote an email to vent about what you did.

Was she allowed to send another email without you being around? If not, then I think you were right to punish her because she went against the rule. If she was allowed to send the email, and you just didn't like what she wrote, then if it was me I would apologize, tell her I overreacted and take away the punishment. It's ok for kids to see that parents make mistakes every once in a while. But that is just what I would do, and every parent parents differently, and you are certainly well within your rights to do as you wish.

Good luck. If there is one thing we can all agree on, there is no harder job than parenting.

 

[Tinkerbelle'sMOM]

So you over reacted....who hasn't? Don't worry about it! Just make sure you set up ground rules about the computer. Our biggest rule is that if we catch her minimizing something when we walk by, it is an automatic 3 days without the internet. That is traumatic to a 13 yo who lives for myspace, AIM and email and one website her and her friends set up about a set of books that they read! We also have it set so that her AIM goes into a folder on our computer and I have access to her myspace page. I told her I won't spy on you, but just be aware that I have the right to check up on you at any time or moment.

Our schools have a similar system of email and their version of AIM. At the beginning of the year we had to read and sign, along with our kids, a permission sheet and rule sheet about computer use in school.

It is hard to start letting them have some slack in the mommy rope, but you have to or else you will be battling over a zillion things when she is a teen....just ask my DH who hasn't loosened up his rope too much LOL. The internet is a scary thing, you have to teach them to be responsible.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

Yes, you were way too harsh.

My son is a teenager and I snoop at his myspace but would never punish him over anything he's written. The only reason I check is to make sure he isn't doing anything unsafe, but he's entitled to express his thoughts even when they are along the lines of, "my parents are so lame." In fact, I never mention anything I read on his or his friends' myspaces.

 

[Camicar]

I think you overreacted.

So, your dd used email to complain about her mother. Big whoop. Do you think she never ever complained about you before? Does she not have the right to vent to a friend?

Have you never talked about problems you have with HER to a friend of yours?

I also hope that if you decide you overreacted, you will own up to it and apologize to her. And here's why:

When I was about 7 years old, my mother was having one of 'her days'. A friend came over to play and as we were walking down the sidewalk, I told her, "I'm so glad you came over so I could get out of the house." Well, my mother heard me say that, hauled me inside, put me in her room for the next two hours -- while she got on the phone and called all of her friends complaining about me.

What lesson did I learn? That my mother was an illogical hypocrite.

Don't teach your dd that lesson. It's not one she'll forget.

 

[allison443]

I think you overreacted.

So, your dd used email to complain about her mother. Big whoop. Do you think she never ever complained about you before? Does she not have the right to vent to a friend?

Have you never talked about problems you have with HER to a friend of yours?

I also hope that if you decide you overreacted, you will own up to it and apologize to her. And here's why:

When I was about 7 years old, my mother was having one of 'her days'. A friend came over to play and as we were walking down the sidewalk, I told her, "I'm so glad you came over so I could get out of the house." Well, my mother heard me say that, hauled me inside, put me in her room for the next two hours -- while she got on the phone and called all of her friends complaining about me.

What lesson did I learn? That my mother was an illogical hypocrite.

Don't teach your dd that lesson. It's not one she'll forget.

OP, you came onto the disboards and told us your daughter was an ungrateful little stinker! You were venting just like you punished her for!
Also, reading your post, it seems like you were concerned about what the teacher was going to think about you when she read your dd's email.
I do think you overreacted BUT I understand your feelings were hurt so I can see why you reacted that way. We've all been there! Like you said, the punishment won't ruin her life!

 

[luvsJack]

This isn't the first thread I have read that many of you read your child's IMs and/or e-mails. And many of you say "they need to know what they write can be read and is not private" Which I agree, this is true for any of us. And I am not trying to debate here, everyone has their own parenting styles: I am just wondering If they don't write it for eveyone to see; does that mean they don't think it or don't say it? Just because we had to physically "say" it to our friends and our kids can text it or email it or whatever; does that make it worse? I just don't understand all this reading what a child says and getting all up in the air about it. I moniter what dd does on the computer. She is blocked from most websites, the system even asks my permission for some that are for kids; but she can talk to her friends. I look over her email and see that it is from her friends (I have their email addresses) but I don't read the email, I expect a preteen that is close to puberty to want some privacy and I give it to her.

 

[disykat]

I don't think you were too harsh even though you probably "over reacted" emotionally. Even if you were laughing inside about what a little stinker she was being, she still deserved the punishment.

Kids have to follow rules that adults don't, there's nothing hypocritical about it.

 

[audrabolster]

I think that she could have written something much, much worse. Kids will be kids, everyone vents when they get frustrated, and she sounded pretty respectful in her dissing.

It sounds like you're just hurt that your daughter was upset with you. I think it was a fairly big over-reaction, but I think limiting computer time is a good idea.

Perhaps you should get one of those internet monitoring programs that shows you what your kids are doing online?

 

[noodleknitter]

I don't think you were too harsh even though you probably "over reacted" emotionally. Even if you were laughing inside about what a little stinker she was being, she still deserved the punishment.

Kids have to follow rules that adults don't, there's nothing hypocritical about it.

Couldn't say it better myself!

 

[dzorn]

I am not sure you over reacted at all. If it did not come home with written instructions from the school or teacher I would have not let her on the site. The fact that she thinks emails to her teacher or any other adult should be private just sent up a red flag with me. If the teacher is trying to inform them about e-mail and the internet then she should have also explained to them that it is a for their own safetly without the parents permission they should never communicate with another adult.

Denise in MI

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I get the not being private stuff, heck she is only 9. But shouldnt kids be allowed to vent a bit without the threat of everything being taken away for an unspecified time.


PS op i bet the teacher doesnt think your nuts.. I dont lol, i can totally remember flipping out on DS19 for hurting my feelings a cpl of different times in his life.

It isn't what DD wrote that is the problem in my eyes it is the "sneaking" to write another e-mail. Are kids allowed to vent of course but when you are told your not to use the computer and then sneak off to do it that is where the problem comes in. Anything that requires sneaking is wrong and kids at 9 years old know this.

I would have an issue with the parents not being notified about this program prior to passwords being handed out. I would check if a notification did come out and I never saw it. Some parents really limit computer time in the summer (as we do) so family time, travel, outside sports, swimming replace computer time. Enough is enough with the computer IMHO.

 

[Jennasis]

1. What exactly did this kid say about the mom that was so disrespectful??? All I see is that she said she doesn't like her mom reading over her shoulder (uh...duh...who does???).

2. No where did the OP say that the child was not permitted to use the e-mail without the mom's permission/presence. She said she wanted to check the site our first...whcih she did, and make sure the kid knew how to use it...which she did. As far as I can tell she didn't break any rules.

IMO, you WAY over-reacted. My mom did stuff like this ALL the time. My feelings about it and my mom as a result of which are far from all warm and fuzzy.

 

[Disney Doll]

You may have over-reacted a bit, but she'll live.

If you had told her not to use the computer again without you there, and she proceeded to use it without you there and THAT is why you are punishing her, then make sure she knows that reason why you are punishing her...not because she said you were lame, but because she disobeyed you.

But, if after her first e-mail, you told her "fine, use the site it's OK" and then you got mad at her for using because you didn't like the fact that she "vented" a bit to her friend about you...well, then a bit of an over-reaction. You're her mother. If you are doing your job, there will be times in your life when she will hate you and will be venting to all her friends and whomever else will listen about how lame you are!

As far as privacy rights etc., I will tell you what my parents said about that:

"We are your parents. Trust needs to be earned. If you are doing anything that either of us thinks means that you do not deserve our trust, you will not have our trust, nor will you have any privacy. Our job isn't to be your friend. Our job is to be your parents and keep you safe to the best of our ability." Make her aware that you reserve the right to check what she does at any time, since you are her parent and she is NINE, not nineteen.

Too many parents these days are worried about being their kid's friend and worried that their kid will hate them and that's why there are so many screwball kids around.

 

[lovetoscrap]

I was a bit confused. Did you give her carte blanche to use this email system after the first email? I guess I originally thought this was about the fact that she was emailing without your permission but I guess it was just over the content?

I guess you overreacted if it was based on the email content. But when you add in the snotty attitude to her Dad then I would support your decision.

I am dealing with a ton of this now with my 12 year old. And she has now figured out how to delete the History on the computer so we can't tell where she has been. Yeah, we had caught her a while back going somewhere unapproved based on her History. I have no idea how to do that! So there will be a discussion tonight about if there is NO History when she has been on there then she won't be using it.

Stay strong Mom and be vigilant! Yes, you may overreact from time to time but ultimately you are watching out for her safety.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I was a bit confused. Did you give her carte blanche to use this email system after the first email? I guess I originally thought this was about the fact that she was emailing without your permission but I guess it was just over the content?

I guess you overreacted if it was based on the email content. But when you add in the snotty attitude to her Dad then I would support your decision.

I am dealing with a ton of this now with my 12 year old. And she has now figured out how to delete the History on the computer so we can't tell where she has been. Yeah, we had caught her a while back going somewhere unapproved based on her History. I have no idea how to do that! So there will be a discussion tonight about if there is NO History when she has been on there then she won't be using it.

Stay strong Mom and be vigilant! Yes, you may overreact from time to time but ultimately you are watching out for her safety.

Agree 100%.....If there is no history I would also be very concerned and the computer would be no longer in use. Plan & simple...we look at this as such a safety threat.
The fact is your kids are going to mad at you sometimes. If you have protected one of your kids for a situation where they could be harmed you are "parenting" and that isn't always easy.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Did the OP overreact? Yes probably. Email and all things internet are now an integral part of schooling.

Did the OP overreact about her daughters somewhat unpleasant email about her? No. I'd feel the same way if it were a letter or a telephone call. How would daughter like it if mom badmouthed her to her friends?

Was the OP punishment to harsh? No. There is nothing wrong with taking technology away from a child for a single weekend.

All that being said, waaaaay back in the infancy of the internet....before the www...I was in a special gifted program at my school. We engaged in a Middle East simulation project with similar classes in other schools via email...mind you we didn't call it that because 'email' wasn't in common usage at the time. It was rather difficult to attempt to explain to my parents just how we were communicating with these other students we never personally met. It's on a computer...and we write letters...and the letters get sent over a phone line. Yeah right, say the dinosaurs who learned their computer programming in hole punch days. It was the first time the teacher had ever tried anything like this. No notes were sent home explainaing what was going on. Everyone just trusted the teacher wouldn't get us into trouble. I'll admit that being 'online' was a lot safer for kids back then than it is today, but no one really knew that. It was all new. And it's not like they would have let us use phones to talk to other kids. Heavens no, there would have been an uproar about that. We were just happy to be able to interact with students outside our little world.

Point being, fear not the internet. Teach caution. Teach savvy. Teach it young.

And don't bother airlifting supplies to needy Gaza strip refugees, because it'll just get you bombed by bigger, angrier countries.

 

[kbeverina]

It can hard when the oldest one starts using these things because rules can be set by trial and error. We didn't have these tools when we were their age. Sometimes you end up going back and forth because you're still figuring things out, what works, what's safe, what's not.

I have a son almost 15 and daughter 12. I've let him have myspace, but he's not allowed to change the password and he understands I might look at it any time. Sometimes I do and I check out his friends, too. No problems so far, except maybe an initial shock at the language, but I let that go. He doesn't talk that way at home or at school so obviously he knows when it's not appropriate.

They both have IM, but I have a log sent to the computer (which they don't know) and occasionally I read through it and make sure the conversations are okay. Again, no problems so far except the older one's language, getting used to that.

They're allowed to have e-mail accounts as long as they don't change the passwords and every once in a while I go through them. If they join websites, they have to use my e-mail account (so I know what they're joining) and give me the password. They're not allowed to mess with their history and I do check it.

They both have texting and every once in a while I go through their texts, no problems so far. I actually found one my son sent to a friend describing an incident where I lost my mind with the kids over their bickering. The way he wrote it, I had to laugh--at myself. Reminded me what parents look like from the teenager viewpoint. I found one my daughter sent to friend complaining that her mom was lecturing her over something she didn't want to hear. My daughter's friend replied, "well...listen".

It's not easy, but you can find a balance between letting them have their freedom and privacy and making sure they're safe. That balance changes as they get older I guess. I think I keep up with what my kids are doing, but they don't complain. They probably don't realize how much I do look over their shoulder, which is probably the secret.