Toddler temper tantrums

[poohandwendy]

Tressa,
In all sincerity, I would discuss this problem with your pediatrician and maybe have a referral to a child behaviorist and have them figure out what is going on. At 5 and 6 years old, they should have a better handle on self control. Crying for up to an hour or two and clawing at their face, drawing blood, would prompt me to thinking they need to be evaluated. I just think it is worth looking into.

 

[FreshTressa]

I did talk to a the school psychologist and the pediatrician. When DD was 3, I did take her for an evaluation. They all said that as long as it didn't happen that frequently, it was within normal behavior limits for their age. It is just part of their personality package.

99.9% of the time, my kids behave normally. They just have tantrums. There have been about 5 each per kid over the last year. The pediatrician said that they were both delightful, friendly children that seemed well balanced to him, and while growing up, some kids take longer than other to learn to control their emotions.

They are both have intense personalities, if you know what I mean. They are both academically gifted, DS learned to read at 2, DD at 3 and they both have the ability to hyper-focus and tend to be perfectionists. I think it is just part of the package of raising people with those types of personalities. That ability to focus has DD being and excellent gymnast for her age and could do front and back handsprings at 4.

If you were to meet them, you would just think they were happy, fun loving kids. All of their teachers and coaches describe them as sweet, pleasant kids, and while DS had a little trouble making friends at the beginning of the school year, once he warmed up a little, he has made a lot of friends and is well liked by his peers.

I guess my point is, that I truly don't believe that tantrums are always a sign of bad parenting. I think some kids are just more intense than others and while, for the most part, this is a good thing, the opposite side of the same coin is that they get intense about tantrums too. It is not always a parenting issue and sometimes a personality issue.

I guess I am just glad that they do it less and less often the older they get and the more they learn how to channel that anger into something less destructive.

 

[sha_lyn]

FreshTressa ... sounds like your kids "suffer" from a very common occurance for gifted kids. To put is simply their brains are older than their bodies and their emotions. When they have problems doing what it is their brains want them to, be it physical or emotional, they can have melt downs. The perfectionist part of them is too try to keep that all in check.


BTW what many of us here are calling a tantrum (the true uncontrollable emotional break) I usually call a melt down to distinguish it from the "I want" temper tantrums.

 

[disykat]

Tressa, my son sounds just like your kids. I also talked to a doc and a specialist about my son. He also scratched himself once in frustration and has kicked holes in the wall. I was also told it was normal due to the infrequency and the fact that he has been documented as a highly sensitive child since infancy. They would never know at school that he has temperment issues. In fact he is such a perfectionist that he is a terrific student.

I would venture to say that most of us that have kids with these kind of tantrums have done lots of reading and consulting of experts on these issues.

 

[Mishetta]

Having NOT read all the comments posted...I have a dilemma now. My 2 y/o DS is Cognitively Imparied as well as Developmentally Delayed & suffers from Delayed Auditory Processing Disorder. Bottom line is, he does not speak. Due to the lack of communication between us as a family, he is very frustrated & the only way he communicates is by screaming. (We attend therapy twice per week & they are trying to teach us both sign language but this will take some time to learn.) If there is something he wants (like a toy), & I won't hand it over to him, he screams. Whether he had neurological problems or not, he's 2 & he will scream if he doesn't get his way. So, am I not allowed to go to Disney for the enjoyment of my family, because I can't bring a screaming 2 y/o with me?

Looking at my DS, he looks perfectly healthy. No one recognizes neurological disorders. So help me if anyone says anything to me about my screaming child, on this trip I have been so looking forward to, after the horrible year we've had, I will let them know in "sign language" what I think about their unwanted opinions!

I'm sure this person who "advised" your DIL doesn't have any children. I have noticed that the "best" advice I've gotten on how to raise my children, has been from people with no children!

 

[swea_pea1]

I have a 4 year old who was prone to tantrums from time to time when she was 2 and 3. As so many others have said, there is virtually nothing that would settle her down...she usually had to cry it out.

Here's what I've done...may not be the best solution for every kid, but it worked for mine. First, I never gave in...even when I started to think the original decision was wrong, I stuck by it. If we were in public, I did take her to a private place to try to limit the amount of people that were disturbed, but sometimes, I did get looks anyway or a random comment (nothing as mean as your DIL got at MK though). If I was your DIL I would have smiled and said "ya know, it's rough being 2". That was my answer for everything. It usually elicited a chuckle and kind of put things in perspective.

Lastly, and I think this probably warded off some (but not all) subsequent tantrums....when she settled down, I praised her over and over again for it (the settling down, not the tantrum). Saying things like "oh, I'm so glad you've got a smile on your face again!" or "gee, now that my angel is back we can go back to having fun!". I really layed it on thick so she knew that while I stood by her through the tantrum, I was just soooooooooo happy it was over with.

My DS is now 2 and while he's thrown some tantrums at home (same course of action), he's not yet done it in public.

Because of our experiences, my DH and I are VERY compassionate when we see kids having tantrums in public. That could be the sweetest kid in the world just having a bad day...who knows? It's not our place to judge.

 

[FreshTressa]

Originally posted by disykat
Tressa, my son sounds just like your kids. I also talked to a doc and a specialist about my son. He also scratched himself once in frustration and has kicked holes in the wall. I was also told it was normal due to the infrequency and the fact that he has been documented as a highly sensitive child since infancy. They would never know at school that he has temperment issues. In fact he is such a perfectionist that he is a terrific student.

I would venture to say that most of us that have kids with these kind of tantrums have done lots of reading and consulting of experts on these issues.

Thanks for your reply! I always feel like people think I'm a horrible mom cuz my kids have 'melt-downs'. I am glad to know mine aren' t the only ones!!

You too Sha-lyn.

I probably hijacked this thread, but it is such a sensetive issue in our family. Thanks for listening

 

[tkd lisa]

Sha-lyn and Tressa: I have similar experiences. My DD is particularly prone to them. And yes, we did seek professional help. She had a really hard time around 7, then things calmed down quite a bit until recently (she's almost 12). She's starting puberty, so the hormones are really making things worse.

And yes, I do call it a melt-down. It's not so much that she really even wants things, she's just unable to cope. She's also extremely bright, combined with a low frustration level (just like Tressa's).

I've been lucky that most times when we've been in public, we've been able to leave the public area to deal with the melt down, and I've also have mostly supportive people around me. It's certainly not easy to be the parent of a child like that, but I just remember that once she grows up, she's going to have so much going for her.

Our hardest times were when the melt-down focused around school. I can't give in to her demands that she doesn't want to go to school. And I can't take her out of the public place, since she has to go to school. We do have some good counselors at the schools who have helped with this, and eventually she calms down and goes into class.

 

[franw]

Mishetta, Your little one is so lucky to have a mom who is working so hard to help him live a normal life. I know it must be hard for you not to be able to have him communicate what he is feeling and a lot of his behavior sounds just like any toddler's frustration. You might think about buying him a comfort item - like maybe a soft Woody doll and explain to him that when he is sad or angry or frustrated he can go get his comfort doll to make him feel better. It would at least give him a way to let you and "Woody" know he is unhappy and that in itself would let him communicate. I am sure that as time goes on with his special therapy things will get better. My friend's little nephew is mildly autistic and now that he has started therapy he has been blossoming in all directions. You are a good mom with a big job. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Mishetta]

Thanks so much for your encouraging words FranW....we just got thru caring for my cancer stricken mother (who sadly passed away in July) & then all the shocking news about my youngest DS...it's just been too overwhelming for me this year. My DH is taking us to WDW to put all the sadness behind us. Then reading about how some stranger was sooooo rude to your DIL & me picturing it happening to me too...my Italian temper is starting to emerge!!

We have a long road ahead of us, but I'm not giving up, even if there are very inconsiderate people out there!! Lord help that woman, if I run into her!

 

[GAIL HAYDEN]

Originally posted by Robinrs
I believe the woman was more than rude to approach your DIL but I do understand her anguish. It is impossible for a mother to ignore a baby's cry, some of us can't take it at all while some of us just wish it would stop.

I will not stay in an area where a crying baby is. It terribly upsets me. The mother in me wants to comfort the child, while the woman in me wants to get someone to make it stop.

Unlike the woman, I just walk away. No, I don't understand tantrums, my parents never allowed them and my son knew better than to try them. I know that some people believe that you should ride them out, but in my family, it just was not tolerated. People who were raised like this believe it is the parents' fault, which is probably why this woman made this comment. I frankly thnk she should've minded her own business.

I totally agree with you, I cannot stand a screaming kid and will walk away. I never tolerated them and made very short work of them. Ride them out, yea right, I feel it is beyond rude to subject people to your children's tantrums. If you allow it fine, but, please, remove them so other people don't have to tolerate what you do.

 

[r2boys&buzz]

Gail,

Although I respect your opinion and feel for others around me when my ds throws a tantrum, leaving is sometimes easier said than done. Especially when you have more than one child or you are trying to do something vital -- getting medications at the drug store, paying a bill, etc. Often what he and other children want is to leave and have their own way in going where they want to go. I sternly tell my son that that is not the case and he must learn that we have to do things/ go places that are not necessary the things/ places he wants to do.

So, in short and in advance I appologize for the noise. It is really necessary for my son to learn social boundaries and it sometimes means noise. I do feel for you as it equally upsets me when I see someone in Walmart at 1am screaming at their child that if they "don't shut up then they will take them home and put them right in bed" -- duh! Or when I see someone smoking over a child or bringing an animal into a place that states clearly "no pets" (my son has allergies). I try hard to hold my mouth and do my best to turn and walk away.

Thank you for your input.

Jen H.

 

[WDWguru]

As a childfree person, I just had to post here to defend others without children. Those of you who are assuming this "lady" has no kids ... there is absolutely no basis for that. Nobody LIKES a misbehaving child. We may experience different reactions -- anger, frustration, sympathy, empathy -- but it's universal whether you have kids or not. My personal experience in dealing with other childfree people tells me that most childfree folks do not dislike children wholesale (although some do). For whatever reason they just don't want any of their own.

Not to speak for the group, but I would guess most of us childfree folks would consider giving unsolicited parental advice just as rude as someone who refuses to remove a disruptive child from an inappropriate situation.

 

[franw]

I don't think there is a caring mother or father in the world in the world that wants to hear their child cry and I certainly sympathize with anyone who has to hear a child crying. But we were all kids at one time and, whether we have kids or not, must realize that these kids are our future. I'd rather hear a child crying out of frustration or fatigue than listen to the ill-mannered, often foul-mouthed adults that I hear screaming at their kids. Once on an airplane a baby was crying for quite awhile and a well-dressed business man screamed across the plane to "shut that kid up." The flight attendant came over to the mother and softly consoled her as the poor young girl was in tears. The rest of the passengers gave hostile cold looks to the jerk that yelled. Pretty soon he was cowering behind his magazine. No one ever knows exactly what is going on with a child and to add pressure on the parents does nothing but escalate the situation. I've seen kids run rampant in restaurants and department stores because their parents didn't have any respect for the other customers but quite often, in other circumstances, the parents are doing the very best they can in their situation. A simple smile or understanding nod to the parent can mean all the difference in the world. You get to walk away from the situation, she doesn't.

 

[believe]

There are times my children are subjected to things I don't agree with. That is life. There will be times that adults choose, in a public place, to use fowl language or to demonstrate inappropriate behavior even though I don't agree with it. I wish at times that I could remove them from the public area.

 

[tw1nsmom]

I can't believe all the judgemental people on this thread.

Mishetta- My son was just diagnosed as possibly having an auditory processing disorder (needs further testing) as well as developmental delay. My son is verbal, but not clearly intelligible, so we aren't going down exactly the same road as you. Have your therapists talked to you about using pictures to help him communicate with you? It doesn't work in all situations, but he could hand you a picture of a favorite food or toy that he wants.

One thing I've learned in dealing with my son is that an outsider can't understand what's happening in other people's lives. My son has sensory issues on top of everything else. If I tried to physically remove him from a full blown tantrum (he rarely has them) he would then become so stimulated that he would make himself sick. I don't expect other people to know about my son's situation, but I do expect people to understand that they don't always know what may be "wrong" with a child and that I am doing whats best for my son and daughter in a given situation.

Remember, those of you who have responded with such disgust at the way other people handle tantrums, I'm sure there have been many times in your life that other people have looked at one isolated piece of your parenting and thought that you were: inept, inconsiderate, abusive, neglectful, cruel...whatver, you fill in the blank.

Maybe we should all try to be more supportive to each other as parents instead of always trying to tear each other down. And those people who go to a family activity (such as WDW) and are irritated by normal developmental issues (to the point that it "ruins their magic" ) that arise with children should be the ones to consider staying home.

 

[Mishetta]

Yes tw1nsmom, we do pictures at home like for bathtime, lunch etc... you know, daily activities. We show him the pictures before we do the actual bath or lunch or bye-bye...whatever the case is, so that he truly understands what's happening next. The unfortunate part is you know how when you leave a ride at Disney, you walk thru a souvenir shop to get out....well, he'll want all kinds of toys & I won't have a photo of the toy with a circle around it & a slash going thru it! If I say "no" he does understand but he'll have his tantrum anyway. If I should touch him to hug him or to bring him to another area when he's in this "state," he truly freaks out. He suffers from sensory disorder too! But thank you for the recommendations, they were good. Obviously you've taken your child to therapy too, right?

I'm sorry you're going thru nearly the same thing, because it's hard to think that our kids are less than perfect. I so long to hear my son say "Mama."

So here we are, trying to take a much needed family vacation & trying to find some happiness in our very stressful lives & I have to worry about the person beside me being annoyed if my son screams! They are probably also annoyed when there is a wheelchair in front of them that they can't get around!

 

[FreshTressa]

This weekend, I have seen more ADULTS having tantrums at the mall than I have kids!!