Today is going to be so hard - prayers needed

[nativetxn]

{{{HUGS}}} sweetie. I hope the viewing helps you find some closure.

Katholyn

 

[WeirdEyes]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[Trish Bessette]

I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. Please KNOW that he is not suffering and in a much better place.

It is normal for you to not want to eat. Do try to get a little something in you as you need your strenght.

Peace to you.

 

[Rajah]

OMG, Michelle -- I'd missed this, and I'm so sorry. You're in my prayers.

 

[Aidensmom]

My prayers are with you.

 

[avdeane]

I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through chell. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[mallcat]

I am so sorry for your devastating loss. Peace be with you at this time. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

 

[thelionqueen]

Having lost someone very close to me, the only bit of advice someone gave me that actually helped was below, I hope it can comfort you a little too.


There was a man at my grandmother's funeral (didn't know him very well) but he told me, "I was so sad when my twin brother passed, I knew I was never going to get through it. I was absolutely sick to my stomach, couldn't hardly breathe and didn't want to be with out him." His mother, smiling, hugged him and said "as much as you didn't want him to go, there is someone waiting in heaven that couldn't wait for him to come."

She again said "Since you are a shipman, maybe this will help, imagine a beatiful sailing vessel going off into the distance, until you see but a speck of it's mighty sail, you'd say "there he goes" but on the other side of that sunset there is someone anxiously waiting to call out "here he comes"

That touched me deeply to this day, I hope it can help you. Our prayers are with you.

 

[chell]

Thanks everyone. As I thought seeing his body there was horrible for me. Before I even walked into the room I could see him and I had to stop and break down in the hall. After I finally went it I couldn't look at him at first. Then when I finally went up to him I had to hold his arm and fingers that were in a position for me to hold them. Junior knew that I wouldn't touch dead bodies so I'm sure he is in shock over seeing me touch his body so much.

It was a shock to me when I saw blood in the corner of his mouth and on his chin, in his beard. I also thought his hair had a reddish tent, later I figured out that was from blood as well. I wanted to see his chest and belly to see the damage from the accident and from the autopsy but they had him wrapped in plastic so I couldn't see much. I have no idea why I wanted to see it but I thought it might help me some. I did see where they cut the top of his head. I don't know if that was from the autopsy or the accident. My guess is that was from the accident partly because of the blood but maybe the autopsy since it was a straight line.

I was thankful that I got to go see him before the receiving and had the chance to get a lot of the emotions of seeing him out before the room was filled with people. At the receiving I did very well. In fact I was handling it so well last night that my friends were getting very worried about me. Maybe I felt like I had to be strong in front of all of those people.

Today was a whole different story. On the way to the funeral home I was having trouble breathing and made sure I had my inhaler with me. I thought I was about to have an asthma attack, but never did. When I walked inside and saw his body again I started crying again. On the way to the chapel I walked by a few old friends who were able to attend the services and was glad to see them there. The more I talked to people the more I realized that I needed to sit down so I went in the chapel to take my seat. I did not sit in the family section because I wasn't sure if I should.

I was trying to hold it together when I heard them ask his brothers if they could close the casket. They were fine with it being closed but I needed to say goodbye one more time. So I walked out of the room to go to the viewing area. Once in there I completely lost it. After I calmed down I somehow made it back into the chapel. But while I was out in the hall crying I was sobbing so loud. I was worried what everyone was thinking. Does it really matter?

I sobbed and cried during the service and used almost an entire box of tissues all by myself. Thankfully my dad was on one side of me and my sister on the other. My dad made sure I didn't have to hold the old tissues. Once the service was over I didn't want to leave the room. I didn't want to leave him. But they made me leave and I was crying and shaking so hard that I could barely walk. I think there were about 4 people helping me get out of the room. I couldn't see where I was going and couldn't walk well. My poor aunt got her foot stepped on several times. In the hall I had to sit once again. Tonight I told my sisters that I hope people didn't think I was being rude but I really just couldn't stand there.

I think I'm writing all of this out more for myself than for you all to read. But I need to do it so I am.

Right now I am on the verge of crying again. After everyone else left the funeral home it was just my dad, his wife, my 3 friends and myself. I had to walk back in the chapel for one last goodbye. I didn't open the casket though, I just rubbed it like it was him. I had to tell him goodbye and tell him how much I love him even though I know he is no longer in that body. For some reason I had to be the last one to tell him goodbye.

I'm not sure when I will get my portion of his ashes back but they will be taking a trip to Florida with me in Feb. of next year. I know he would be very pleased to know part of his final resting place is down there. His brothers will spread the other ashes on his mother's grave, his grandfather's grave and on top of a mountain where his father's ashes were spread.

Lots of my friends and family today told me that they know how much I love him. I just hope he knows that now and knows that I only divorced him as a last resort to try and save him and make him do what he needed to in order to take better care of himself. I didn't want him to die young. Guess the joke is on me. I put us both through all that hell for nothing. I tried so hard to fix him and still lost him.

Several times when he wanted to stop taking his medicines or wanted to commit suicide I would tell him that I would much rather be divorced than be a widow. Even though we were divorced I still feel like a widow. I think that since he kept saying I was still his wife that I can say I am a widow. Just last weekend he was telling me that he still sees me as his wife. When I would tell him that about a divorced woman vs. a widow I told him that if he wasn't going to take care of himself or commit suicide that I wanted him out of my life for a long, long time before that ever happened. But he knew that I never wanted him out of my life anyway.

Monday I have to go back to work and I really don't feel like it yet but I know I have to get back into life soon. I'm just not ready yet. I'm still to emotionally raw.

 

[Aidensmom]

I am so sorry you have to go through this, you will continue to be in my prayers.

 

[kdibattista]

I am so sorry

 

[chell]

I am so sorry you have to go through this, you will continue to be in my prayers.

Thank you. Without all of the amazing and outstanding support I have had this week I don't think I would be able to sit here and do anything.

 

[Briarmom]

I am so sorry for your loss. You are and will continue to be in my prayers.

 

[Alice28]

I'm so sorry Chell- take care & keep us posted on how you're doing.

 

[nwdisgal]

 

[chell]

Again I wanted to thank you all for your kindness and support.

Today the physical part is catching up with me. Being that I have fibromyalgia this kind of stuff can really throw my body out of wack. Right now I don't think there is a thing between my head and my toes that doesn't hurt. I am thankful that my body held off long enough with the pain and such so that I could do all I needed to these last few days.

Right now I'm waiting for my dad to come and get me to take me back home. I have to do my best to keep my eyes open on the road this time. Tomorrow I will have to drive myself to work and I can't let myself keep closing my eyes every time I see a tractor-trailer. But I just can't bare to look at one thinking about how Junior was killed.

While we are out today I want to stop by my second job to pick up my schedule and say hello to people. I would rather have questions asked today than tomorrow or whenever I go back to work.

Again, thanks!

 

[Dan Murphy]

Very sorry to read this, Michelle. My best for you at this tough time. 's

 

[chell]

Just talked with my roommate a few minutes ago and she was telling me about some strange things that have been going on at my house. My computer was on one morning, things have been falling, Auggie has been barking more at what seems to be nothing. This makes me happy because I know that he is visiting my house. If he was in hell he couldn't do that. Right? Right. This is the assurance I needed.

It still hurts just as bad but at least now I know he is in Heaven with his parents and my grandmother.

 

[escape]

Take one day at a time. Let yourself grieve. May it give you some comfort to know that we are all thinking about you during this difficult time. Hugs and prayers coming your way.