Tips for toxic relationship you can't end?

[Wishing on a star]

I've kind of been there and my guess is a big part of why you're doing what you are doing is in the hope that one they will wake up ..... and make things right. I can tell you right now that they won't. The only thing that *you* can do is change yourself. .

Amen....
Amen....
Amen....

Yes, OP, this is probably the most important comment posted here for you.

The person's issues that I just mentioned in my post above, go back to parents and childhood... And after what I just experienced with her, it is very very clear that she is still somehow, psychologically 'trapped' in this dark place from that dysfunction in her upbringing 40 years ago. ( will actually almost admit it and use it as justification/excuse for her problems and inappropriate behaviors today.... Both parents have been passed away for several years....)

I can tell you that when one has parents, close relatives, etc.. who just 'aren't right', and who are this way... it does NOT change.

There is a very stong facet of human nature to feel like one can, or must try to, 'fix' the problem, rectify things, make things right... etc... before they can move on.

Sadly, but very very truely, this is just not the case.

People like this simply are hard wired the way they are, and they simply can not, and will never change.

If you want to maintain some relationship and play some role as they age... This might be possible.... But, I would recommend that being 100% vested in them and their dysfunction, and feeling trapped, and not being able to move forward in your own personal life are just not the way to go about it.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Cut back on the time that you spend with them. Hire out what can be hired out--housecleaning, errands, rides to doctor appts, etc.

Are you the only sibling who is involved with them? Where are the others and how much involvement do they have? Maybe you should learn from them and how they deal with your parents.

You can still be in charge of their final arrangements and still be the person who makes caretaking decisions without having to spend time with them. Do you have power of attorney?

Do not put up with the abuse! If you choose to spend time with them, when it starts, leave without saying a word.

Counseling for you does sound like a good idea, to help you see what your parents are doing to you and how you can stand up against them and take back your life without feeling guilty now and later.

 

[beaucoup]

Thank you for all the replies. It has given me more to think about and digest. A few more tears were shed, but in a good way. Its been helpful just to get this out here and I do plan on speaking to someone about this in addition to taking some action.

 

[TaraPA]

I dealt with a toxic MIL for 25 years before I knew the time had come to just cut her out of our lives. Now, I chickened out & did it via email - but it worked. I told her she was done conniving us, there would be no more pity parties for her, and she was not welcome in our home. I told her we hoped to never see her again, and she better not ever try to contact us or my kids. She hasn't - and it's been 9 months of pure joy! It felt SO GOOD to send that email & be done. DONE!

She also alienated her other daughter (my SIL) - I often wonder if she has any regrets of how she treated everyone - she will now end up old & alone, which is suitable for her since no one could ever stand to be around her anyway. But I wonder if she will ever realize what a train wreck she was & the grief she caused others. I doubt it, she has mental illness issues that I guess she will take to the grave with her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thank you for all the replies. It has given me more to think about and digest. A few more tears were shed, but in a good way. Its been helpful just to get this out here and I do plan on speaking to someone about this in addition to taking some action.

Sending
and...

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, you need to get yourself to a place where you are comfortable with whatever decision you make. You also need to get yourself to a place of understanding that your parents will not be the parents you want them to be. I truly think that will require counselling on your part. It is hard fo rus to let go of the wishes and dreams of our childhood, no matter how old we are. You wanted Ward and June Cleaver as parents...you didn't get them. Few of us did, although some of us got better parents than it sounds like you had.

If you still feel a responsibilty to care for them, you can do so without necessarily always exposing yourself to the toxicitiy. As a PP said, arrangements can be made via phone or email, you can enlist the help of elder attorneys to insure that they are cared for without you being the one who actually has to provide the hands on physical care. But first you will need to separate form your desire for the perfect Mom & Dad and come to the realization of the Mom & Dad that you actually have.

I have elderly parents. They were good parents who did their very best and I can say that I think I had a pretty darn good childhood. But now they are older, and my mother especially is becoming more difficult to deal with. Everything is a battle because she realizes that little by little they are becoming more dependent on DH & I & my brother & DSisIL and it is causing her to grasp more tightly on to what she can control. This is causing her to "buck" me every step of the way no matter what I suggest. My father is having some leg issues. I am an RN for 28 years. I suggested we take him to the doctor because perhaps there is something wrong, maybe physical therapy would help. She spend much of our conversation every day fretting to me about my father's legs, yet when I make concrete suggestions about what might be able to be done, I hear "Oh sure. Send him to another doctor so he can send him to his friends so they ALL make money". But when I say "Well, then Mom, what would you like to do?" she responds "I don't know but SOMETHING has to be done". But the "something" involves seeing a doctor and then we get in to the circular conversation.

I feel your pain to an extent, but for I pray for patience because my parents were and are very good people.