Tips for toxic relationship you can't end?

[beaucoup]

Its a parent. At times, both parents when they are together. I am at my wits end with this. A sibling distanced as much as possible decades ago for same reasons. I feel the sibling is the only one who truly understands what they are like.

I can't cut ties as I am or will be their caregiver & final arrangements handler. At times, I feel stuck with no escape.

Just tell me, when they pass, will it get better? Its the only hope I see right now. No I'm not wishing it or planning it. Its just the only hope I can cling to right now and I need it.

They are 80's but been like this my entire almost 50 yr old life. Nothing is going to change. They have no true friends. People don't really want to be around them once the true them comes out. They are masters at putting on smiling faces & pretending like everything is peachy keen. And then soon after, the true self comes out. My mother is the worse of the 2. I think she pushes my dad until he blows up. They do not speak. Every word of out their mouth is accusatory, snide, verbal jabs or arguements. I grew up & still am in the middle. As they feel they need to constantly tell me (and others) about the other one. Or they use me to communicate to each other. Tell him this. Ask her this. No matter who is around. Out in the yard, screaming matches. I just want to run away when around them. Other people do.



I see parts of myself in them, because these are the techniques I learned growing up on how to treat people. It sucks. I hate it.

 

[bellarella]

Honestly, I don't believe that there is such a thing as a relationship you can't end (other than with a minor child).

I don't believe it is your job in life to shield your parents from the consequences of the decisions they have made in their lifetime. You do not have to be their caretakers. If you feel you must, you can see to it that their physical needs are met without needing to engage with them personally. If they choose to remove you from the position of caretaker, that is their decision, and they will have to deal with the consequences.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[LuLuO]

Honestly, I don't believe that there is such a thing as a relationship you can't end (other than with a minor child).

I don't believe it is your job in life to shield your parents from the consequences of the decisions they have made in their lifetime. You do not have to be their caretakers. If you feel you must, you can see to it that their physical needs are met without needing to engage with them personally. If they choose to remove you from the position of caretaker, that is their decision, and they will have to deal with the consequences.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I agree and I too am sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Its a parent. At times, both parents when they are together. I am at my wits end with this. A sibling distanced as much as possible decades ago for same reasons. I feel the sibling is the only one who truly understands what they are like.

I can't cut ties as I am or will be their caregiver & final arrangements handler. At times, I feel stuck with no escape.

Just tell me, when they pass, will it get better? Its the only hope I see right now. No I'm not wishing it or planning it. Its just the only hope I can cling to right now and I need it.

They are 80's but been like this my entire almost 50 yr old life. Nothing is going to change. They have no true friends. People don't really want to be around them once the true them comes out. They are masters at putting on smiling faces & pretending like everything is peachy keen. And then soon after, the true self comes out. My mother is the worse of the 2. I think she pushes my dad until he blows up. They do not speak. Every word of out their mouth is accusatory, snide, verbal jabs or arguements. I grew up & still am in the middle. As they feel they need to constantly tell me (and others) about the other one. Or they use me to communicate to each other. Tell him this. Ask her this. No matter who is around. Out in the yard, screaming matches. I just want to run away when around them. Other people do.



I see parts of myself in them, because these are the techniques I learned growing up on how to treat people. It sucks. I hate it.

How much do you want to detach? You can do as little or as much as you want.

I would say write a list of things you want to change and then develop a specific strategy for doing that.

 

[Jennasis]

It's not easy, but it can be done. DH and I are currently "divorcing" his mother. We have to. She is terribly toxic to us and those around her. A suggestion?

Therapy. You can't change them, but you can get a better handle on how to deal with them and the feelings they cause you to have.

 

[kdudley3]

It's not easy, but it can be done. DH and I are currently "divorcing" his mother. We have to. She is terribly toxic to us and those around her. A suggestion?

Therapy. You can't change them, but you can get a better handle on how to deal with them and the feelings they cause you to have.

I understand and feel your pain. Went through this with the females in my husbands family (we built an addition on our house and they turned on us).

My family moved far away and I only see them once or twice a year. And all there is is argument...complaining from both sides (and also my brothers)...very hard to deal with it when your parents are getting up there in age.

You must be a sensitive person like me. I have said a prayer for you for strength.

Just try to become sronger...I know how hard it is.

Hugs and best of luck !!!

 

[hereyago]

Do you plan on having them move in with you when they can't be on their own, or will they go into some sort of facility?


As for you being in the middle. Only you can change that. Will it be easy? not at first.

Say for example: your mom says to you" tell your dad this", say no i'm not playing this game anymore and walk away. the next time they do it-and you know they will, just walk away. Same thing when they want to bad mouth the other to you. disengage.


I take "care" of DM77. And flame away but I wouldn't do it again. now, she has had some physical problems and I have always had her back,but her main problem is she is very narcissitic, mean, spiteful and always has been. everyone including my DF up until he was dianosed with cancer, enabled her to behave badly. now I am the only one left and I don't encourage her or enable her.

Thank goodness that year I met a physical therapist that told me what I needed to do, to learn to disengage. he even told me when he was finished with his time with her that if she was his mother, there is no way he would have stuck around like i did.

 

[beaucoup]

I do tell them I'm not playing this game of being in the middle, but not every time. I'll need to start doing that more. You are right.

I finally had enough last night and left and drove home. I was supposed to stay the weekend but I just couldn't. I had had enough. Of course, that pissed her off too. I don't care.

I thought the long drive home would help me cool off. It didn't.
Today, its still hanging on and bringing me way down. Depressed because of them. I keep tearing up.

I'm so sick of this crap and want it to end. How nice it would have been to grow up in even a somewhat normal house. Not so lucky.

I know she's got major issues, but in huge denial and would never have sought help. Mental health issues are taboo subject in that house.

I have sought therapy, and am certainly thinking of going back to get help with this.

Does it end when they are gone?

 

[kdudley3]

If you're having these problems now it might not end when they're gone.

Seeking help to deal with your emotions and look into how to deal with them will help. You don't want to end up melting down !!!!

But also getting rid of from of your frustration here will help until you can figure out what to do.

Let it out here...people care...good luck !!!!!

 

[Gigi22]

I do tell them I'm not playing this game of being in the middle, but not every time. I'll need to start doing that more. You are right.

I finally had enough last night and left and drove home. I was supposed to stay the weekend but I just couldn't. I had had enough. Of course, that pissed her off too. I don't care.

I thought the long drive home would help me cool off. It didn't.
Today, its still hanging on and bringing me way down. Depressed because of them. I keep tearing up.

I'm so sick of this crap and want it to end. How nice it would have been to grow up in even a somewhat normal house. Not so lucky.

I know she's got major issues, but in huge denial and would never have sought help. Mental health issues are taboo subject in that house.

I have sought therapy, and am certainly thinking of going back to get help with this.

Does it end when they are gone?

OP, it doesn't always end when they are gone. If you internalize the bad feelings now, you may be left to cope with those feelings later. --In your position, I would make disengaging from your parents a priority.

 

[hereyago]

I do tell them I'm not playing this game of being in the middle, but not every time.


I have sought therapy, and am certainly thinking of going back to get help with this.

Does it end when they are gone?

No more telling them you aren't going to do it, just walk away without saying a word. If you have all ready told them, do not keep repeating it.

I agree with others that for your case therapy may help you now to sort through all this.


If you don't get all this sorted out-emotions and such, when they pass, you will be wondering if you did enough, even if you did and the rest of your life is a mighty long time to have that on your shoulders.

And please take care of your self emotionally and physically. You sound so burnt out all ready. Do you do things like get away for the weekend or anything?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I do tell them I'm not playing this game of being in the middle, but not every time. I'll need to start doing that more. You are right.

I finally had enough last night and left and drove home. I was supposed to stay the weekend but I just couldn't. I had had enough. Of course, that pissed her off too. I don't care.

I thought the long drive home would help me cool off. It didn't.
Today, its still hanging on and bringing me way down. Depressed because of them. I keep tearing up.

I'm so sick of this crap and want it to end. How nice it would have been to grow up in even a somewhat normal house. Not so lucky.

I know she's got major issues, but in huge denial and would never have sought help. Mental health issues are taboo subject in that house.

I have sought therapy, and am certainly thinking of going back to get help with this.

Does it end when they are gone?

Here is a little trick you can play on yourself to help you change your ways.....

If you are the "sane one" in the relationship then it is up to you to set the standard of what is acceptable and what is not.

Are you a caregiver now with your parents? Can you come in, do your job, and then go and do something else?

Do you have outside interests or friends you can make plans with?

In other words, you become "busy". It does not mean you have to blow them off 100% but it does mean you should limit contact.

Allow yourself a break and time to develop relationships outside of your parents.

Second if they "get mad" that you have other plans, learn to be OK with that.

Your parents have been manipulating you with that sad tactic for way too long now. Let that one go.

It is very doable. You just have to take steps toward your goal.

 

[Jill in Chicago]

Begin to brainstorm right now what you can do, versus what you can't do. Are your siblings totally out of the picture, or can they do something? Anything?

Let's say they are out of the picture. You do not have to be the caregiver. Good golly does this mean they would move in with you? You would be taking care of your own abusers?! NO!

I won't go into details about my parents, but I know what you are going through.

You do not have to call. You certainly do not have to visit their home. What are you thinking?! Would you invite your child's abusers into your home? NO! So why would you willingly go to the home or your own. It is time to get a grip. Make it very clear immediately that you will NOT take them into your home and they better figure out how to financially swing this care on their own.

If anyone says I will be sorry when my parents are gone, nope. My dad died last summer. I didn't shed a tear. I tried and tried and tried. They chose to be who they are. I did not choose to be their child.

Stop the madness. You, and I, are too old for this.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I agree...
Most of the comments here are right.

1. There is not relationship that you can not end, if necessary.
Again, there is no relationship that you can not end, if necessary.

I hate to throw around the word 'abusers'.... But, to be expected/demanded to constantly and continually swallow that kind of toxicity does possibly ound like a form of abuse.

Yes, many relationships can be troubled and tenuous.
But, if one is unable to maintain a relationship, and also maintain healthy personal boundaries, coping skills, etc... Then this is something that really needs to change. Remember, this is not just about 'them'.... It is also about you.

Also remember, one can never change or help another persons attitudes and actions... But you must be responsible for your own. You need to dissect your own part in your current situation, and learn how to proceed in the best possible fashion.

2. Seek counseling to learn why you are in this relationship to the extent that you are, and why you feel completely powerless and trapped.... Also, seek counseling to gain effective coping skills and strategies. As others have stated... This is not just about them... This is about YOU.

3. If you recognize that you have picked up negative/destructive personality patterns... you should also seek therapy to address this.

4. Your own well being, sanity, survival, has to, ultimately, come first...
Are you married? Do you have children? How is this affecting them? IMHO, this situation is affecting your overall life. You aren't getting any younger...

I have a situation with somebody who has some real issues... She feels she can blame and justify the things that she has said and done on the past (like back to childhood), family dynamics from years ago... and she also feels that she can blame others when she kind of goes over the edge, it is the other person's fault... because 'they played a role'.

Just the other day, after a major incident that also involved my husband and my child, I had to (at least temporarily) distance or dissolve our relationship... I did speak to her and told her that I fear that she is not getting the help that she really needs. (Yes, she has seen a therapist for years, and is on meds.... but I fear that their relationship is now just one of convenience, and that her therapist and her close friend that she leans on very very heavily, are allowing her to continue with and justify her issues, instead of face them and overcome.)

 

[FredinFL]

Honey, sometimes you have to save yourself. Let them figure out their own business and move away or something. They've sucked enough of your life outta you.

 

[LuvOrlando]

If anyone knows the secret answer I'd be willing to pay for it.

I am off to have dinner at a River Cruise on Styx... I mean next door at the in-laws. Today I was already slammed 3 times while over there by myself, she never does it when DH is around because she knows better. Why was I there without him? That is a good question, my only answer is blind stupidity. One of my slams was for MIL's favorite PO which is my love of all things Disney. What a (*(#^, my DH said we don't have to go but I said she's not worth the trouble, I can ignore her tomorrow. He is now getting me my medicine... errr I mean drink In about 15 minutes I won't care.

 

[hereyago]

If anyone knows the secret answer I'd be willing to pay for it.

I am off to have dinner at a River Cruise on Styx... I mean next door at the in-laws. Today I was already slammed 3 times while over there by myself, she never does it when DH is around because she knows better. Why was I there without him? That is a good question, my only answer is blind stupidity. One of my slams was for MIL's favorite PO which is my love of all things Disney. What a (*(#^, my DH said we don't have to go but I said she's not worth the trouble, I can ignore her tomorrow. He is now getting me my medicine... errr I mean drink In about 15 minutes I won't care.

Are you feeling the other day from the dizzy spell? too bad that goose egg hasn't somehow altered her brain into making her someone nice.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Its a parent. At times, both parents when they are together. I am at my wits end with this. A sibling distanced as much as possible decades ago for same reasons. I feel the sibling is the only one who truly understands what they are like.

I can't cut ties as I am or will be their caregiver & final arrangements handler. At times, I feel stuck with no escape.

Just tell me, when they pass, will it get better? Its the only hope I see right now. No I'm not wishing it or planning it. Its just the only hope I can cling to right now and I need it.

They are 80's but been like this my entire almost 50 yr old life. Nothing is going to change. They have no true friends. People don't really want to be around them once the true them comes out. They are masters at putting on smiling faces & pretending like everything is peachy keen. And then soon after, the true self comes out. My mother is the worse of the 2. I think she pushes my dad until he blows up. They do not speak. Every word of out their mouth is accusatory, snide, verbal jabs or arguements. I grew up & still am in the middle. As they feel they need to constantly tell me (and others) about the other one. Or they use me to communicate to each other. Tell him this. Ask her this. No matter who is around. Out in the yard, screaming matches. I just want to run away when around them. Other people do.



I see parts of myself in them, because these are the techniques I learned growing up on how to treat people. It sucks. I hate it.

I feel so bad for you. I had to severe all ties with my own family but I can tell you that once I heard my mother died at first I was deeply sad to know things were final. No matter what, the truth is that when she died all hope for normal died with her and that was a bitter pill to swallow. Still, at this point it is better so yes, once they are gone you will definitely feel a weight lift

As for seeing bits of them in yourself, that can't be avoided. Just see it, really see it and own it. Once you own it you can change.

Are you feeling the other day from the dizzy spell? too bad that goose egg hasn't somehow altered her brain into making her someone nice.

Thank you for asking, I'm doing ok... it hasn't gotten worse and comes & goes. I bet it's my inner ear from congestion so I'm not too worried. The goose egg is on her foot and by all accounts her foot looks completely healed. But true to form she is keeping her feet covered in socks, never let the truth get in the way of a good story is her motto. I wish she could have come through nicer but that would be a no. She was being outright abusive, but she's slipping & did it in front of a room full of witnesses and I got quite a few looks of from other people, which was a small comfort. My BIL did me a good turn and told DH what he missed, since MIL never does this in front of him he has a tendency to believe I am overly sensitive, one thing I am not. It seems my husband and I are destined to be forced into tolerating toxic no matter what we do

My tip of the day for dealing with toxic is to surround yourself with as much happy & love as possible to counter all the venom toxic people love to throw onto everything within reach. Today I will undo the negative. I can ignore that whole house next door. I am going to count my blessings of a great DH, 2 awesome kids and the nice life we have. Somehow, if you balance it right, you can end up with a positive It takes heaps of effort to find your own particular recipe for happy but it is possible to heal yourself, and you are worth it

 

[Agri]

Its not going to end when they're gone because the problem isn't just them, its how you feel about yourself for letting yourself be put in this position. If you don't fix it now, it will linger.

The truth is, you don't have to take care of them. You can keep your distance and put them in a home and you don't even have to visit them. Yes, it sounds harsh but if I was in the position of having to care for my dad this is exactly what I would do. He's a horrible person and he'd be reaping the 'benefits' of his attitude and relationship with me. Heck, you can even make most of the arrangements with a lawyer who can act on your behalf so you don't have to go near them. And no, they don't have to agree with it because at their age you can likely have them proven legally incompetent and have power of attorney and get everything done that way.

I've kind of been there and my guess is a big part of why you're doing what you are doing is in the hope that one they will wake up and be grateful for all you've done and make things right. I can tell you right now that they won't. The only thing that *you* can do is change yourself. If you're helping them out for any reason other than because it is the right thing to do and you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you didn't, then continue on. Otherwise, get out of the situation and leave them to their own mess. Recognize the bad qualities in yourself and get some therapy to change them and to help deal with your parents.

 

[Gigi22]

Why am I reminded of the line, "Be good to your children, because they are the ones who will be picking out a retirement home for you,"?