Those with elderly parents...

[Pinnie]

Please understand that I am NOT complaining here, I am just trying to get some insight as to how others in my situation have handled it.

My kids just graduated from college and have moved on to their own lives. DH and I are enjoying our "empty nest" even if our oldest DS is still home, working and saving for his first house. We are both still working, but enjoy being able to pick up and travel whenever we want. With me being a teacher, that can be limited to breaks and summers, but we do what we can.

My mom is an 86 yr old widow who is fiercely independant but really NEEDS to consider assisted living arrangements. Right now she is staying at my place for the weekend after a fall on Thursday (at her Dr's office no less...and it was her fault...she tried to get dressed sitting on the rolling chair and fell off and bumped her head on the wall). Yesterday at her house, she was washing dishes and felt everything go "black" and fell again and bumped her head. We took her to the hospital and after CAT Scans, EKGs bloodwork, etc, she was diagosed with Vertigo due to a "closed head injury" and sent home with some meds and told to NOT be alone.

Well, therein lies my issues. There is only myself and one brother and we both share our lives with her. She won't move to assisted living because she "wants to remain independant". but fails to realize how her 'independence" impacts us. We take care of the maintenence on her house, her car, bills, etc. She can afford the move, so that isn't an issue.

Believe me when I say I don't mind cancelling my weekend plans to have her here, but come Monday....what is going to happen? I have parent/teacher conferences on Tuesday (29 of them!) and more on Thursday.

My frustration comes when her independence starts impacting my life. I have a weekend trip in Dec. to WDW that I have so been looking forward to, but now I am not sure what is going to happen. Taking her along won't happen because she can't sit for a sustained plane ride.

Anyone else that can share some experiences and thoughts with me?

Thanks!

pinnie

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

I feel your pain. I have practically had to move in with my parents for the past 6 weeks due to their illnesses and injuries. It is rough when the roles are reversed and the child becomes the parent to the parents.

Hugs to you. Have a frank talk with your Mom and tell her you have her best interests at heart just like she always had your best interests at heart with decisions she made for you when you were growing up.

 

[VSL]

No advice, just
Difficult situation.

 

[DisMN]

We encouraged my MIL to move into an apartment building where they have the choice of recieving meals on wheels and small care details like that or you can pay to recieve more care.........

or like my MIL, you can choose none. The only thing required of them is that they hang a tag on their door at night and take it off in the morning. That way the building manager can go through and see immediately if there might be a problem inside one of the apartments.

These are truly apartment living arrangements. We thought MIL would balk and initially she did, fearing her loss of independance, but she got past that and now is MORE independant than she used to be when she was on her own!

We found that quite interesting...that she is more active and busy than when she was living in her house.

Good luck. It's a touchy subject for many families.

 

[rockin_rep]

Aww pinnie, sorry to hear about your situation. I've been there with my parents, and will likely be with DH's parents soon, too.

My first thought is about her friends; does she have any that are really healthy and / or younger, that you could ask to come over this week? Maybe it wouldn't be too comfortable for you in your own home, but if it's only a few days, it would be doable.

Then when she gets back to her own place, can you possibly hire someone to come in every day, even if just a few hours? Not knowing her schedule and tougher moments, maybe someone to start / make dinner and visit in the evening, help her get ready for bed? Or maybe someone every afternoon, or morning?

While i'm not recommending home health care at this point, we found an acquaintance friend of parents who they were comfy with and who needed a little extra income. It really helped us *bridge* to their next stage....

Also, is she involved in a church? Often there are people there looking for a little extra income, that are good companions/ helpers for various *seasons* of life -- for new moms, too. They need a little income and something to fill their hours, and its a help to those who need a little assistance.

Just a few thoughts. If i think of anything else, i'll let you know. Hang in there, its not easy but as you know, its worth it. Hugs to you.

 

[California Girl]

We have gone through something similar with our mom. She was quite specific in what she wanted. She has since lost all of her mental faculties and is in a home. These were her wishes. She had first hand experience with her father and made sure we understood what her wishes were. That said, I think you need to honor your mother's wishes to the best of your ability while making sure she is safe in her environment. That's easily said, but it is certainly difficult to accomplish. Sadly, as my mom began "going back" she realized it at times and was frustrated by it. My sisters, brother and I got into more than one argument with her about needing care. We saw it more than she did. I wish you well as you work through this. Do your best not to get down on yourself, don't let it drive a wedge between you and your brother. Just do your best under the circumstances. And good luck with those parent conferences.....

 

[rockin_rep]

Also wanted to add, for weekends / trips away, we found having companions / helpers come in (that she knew) to be a viable solution. Together as friends, they enjoyed time together, the companion/ friends made a bit of money (from parent's account) and we were able to get away. If you can't find people she (or you) know, do ALOT of research before you hire home health care. Good people ARE available, but you have to be careful....

And that is key, you MUST be able to get away, to simply continue to live your life. If you get too stressed / bogged down, you won't be of much help to her, or anyone else. I know everyone says that, but it's much easier said than done.

Keep us posted!

 

[Disney Doll]

Did you ever think of saying to her "You may think you are independent Mom, but actually, if I didn't rearrange my schedule to accomodate you, you wouldn't be able to handle your life. So we need to do something about that."

 

[BavarianPrincess]

I took care of my grandparents, as well as a several of their friends over the years. It was a full time job. We thought assisted living was the way to go, but if we had it to do over again, we would do whatever we could to avoid that. We just exchanged one set of problems for another. We really wish that we'd kept the folks in their own place with home care. We tried different facilities, but as staff and ownership changed, everything went to pot! We spent so much time managing the care at the facility (uhm, yes, we do expect Grandma to be given the correct dose of the correct medicine at the correct time!). In retrospect, the best time was the interval when we just managed care ourselves, and had a lot of help in for household stuff. We just wish we'd imported more medical/supervisory help when the time came instead of moving into assisted living. It certainly is a challenging time, and I hope that you find a solution that works really well for your family. My grandmother was such a wonderful person, and as difficult as it was, I am so grateful to have been able to care for her, and we had many special talks that we would not have otherwise had.

Grandma really deserved it- she took care of her mother-in-law for years without complaint, and that included a daily olive oil and lemon enema!

 

[Pinnie]

Thank you all for your wonderful insights and suggestions! It feels good to know that I am not the only one who has faced this issue.

Most of her friends have already passed on as have her sisters and brothers...so it's just me and my brother and he is a big help. I also want to give kuddos to my loving DH who just covered her with an afghan on the couch...it's so refreshing to see a SIL love his MIL so much! My brother and his wife can't do enough to help out, but they still have young kids with busy schedules, so that can be limiting.

I am thankful for the poster who mentioned looking seriously at Assisted Living facilities. I never thought about changing one problem for another!

Thanks again for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I truly appreciate it!

pinnie

 

[minniecarousel]

We have Senior apts near-by, where the person can be anywhere from totally independant to needing full-time care. It sounds like she's somewhere in-between at this point. She would sell her home and buy a condo-like unit; as she needed more care, she would pay-as-needed. Not sure if you have these near you. We have my mother living with DH & I (our kids are through college - one will be living at home for a short time soon - but otherwise they're on their own). My Mom could not live on her own; we never leave her alone at night, but she's home alone for 3-4 hrs every week-day morning, and we go out for the evening without her. It works for us, but yes, we need to make arrangements for even a week-end trip - we can't be spontaneous. Good luck in whatever you/she decides to do.

 

[Nik's Mom]

I feel for you. My Dad passed away in March, and my Mom couldn't afford their senior apartment anymore. It was $850 a month (yes, an independent living senior apartment). So, Mom moved in with us. We are cramped, it has put a strain on our marriage (although, things are finally getting back to normal), and I had to go back to work ( I was a stay-at-home Mom). So, things have definitely changed for us. But really there was no choice. My brother and sister just shrug their shoulders and I'm stuck with everything. But, I try to see the positives. My Mom is still here, she's in pretty good shape, and my kids love having Grandma around. Anyway, my point is to hang in there. Things will work out. They always do.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

I feel your pain! We're going through this with my mom--she's always been bi-polar, but now she has early dementia, is legally blind, and had both knees replaced. She's 74, so we could be looking at 15-20 years of care here. Although there are 4 children, one brother is a crack head and the other lives in Germany and is only interested in "what's in it for him". I live 200 miles away and am pregnant with child #4. So, my sister is the one really carrying the burden, bless her, although I offer as much emotional and financial support as possible.

We decided on assisted living. My sis feels kind of guilty about it, but she works full time and her house isn't suited at all for our mom's needs. Cramped, stairs, pets, etc. By having Mom in a facility, my sis can visit 4-5 times a week with a smile on her face, rather than being totally stressed. But I agree about checking facilities carefully. And in our case, the mental health issues play a huge role in our decision--sis and I agree that, haad it been our dad, we would have been happy to provide the care for as long as he needed, but not for our high-needs mother. Frankly, our mom wasn't a gem on her best day--not saying I'm perfect, but the bipolarity alone is why I keep my kids away, throw the other stuff on top and it's just too much.

My sis is in control of the finances and health care, and we're already scoping for when Mom needs more care than her current facility can offer--most of the best places have waiting lists. We were able to convince Mom that it hurt nothing to put your name on one. It can be so difficult to go through this, and convincing the older person that they need the help is really tricky. Of course, in our case, when she was threatening to cut off her dog's head--well, even SHE had to admit that she needed supervision!

So, long story long, I wish you the best. I hope that you and your brother can work as a team and maintain a sense of humor.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone, as I am sure you have noticed from all the posts.

My parents just went and looked at a place for my grandmother today. It's so hard.

 

[pumba]

I know how you feel.......My mom is 91 and lives in our second floor apartment ...she is wicked independent and does everything for herself....I do get her groceries once a week and I do her laundry.....ONLY because her washing machine broke and it was stupid for her to buy another one when I have one on the first floor.....hubbies mom is 89 and lives in an assisted living facility.....the difference with this one is ..it is all woman and they have to take care of themselves ...like dressing and day to day stuff.....she does have the nursing staff care for her drugs because there are so many.....she is on oxygen twenty four seven.....and has insulin and her pain meds......but can do everything else herself....all her meals are taken care of and so are her snacks...it is not a nursing home ....she can come and go as she wishes and can go on trips or visits........see if she would like one of those.......we are still tied to a rope sort of......but WE have to do stuff together as a hubby and wife.....we considered ourselves lucky this summer when we went to the cemetaries looking for relatives.......I KNOW NUTs......but we were alone and just relaxed......we go to Disney once or twice a year and the siblings know this.....Remember yes they are our parents but you have to have your time too......if you dont' then we become bitter and you dont' wnat to be that way......as we dont' either
good luck and if you need to vent please look me up

 

[Micca]

I think Disney Doll totally nailed it. She is no longer independent and is denial about it. What will happen is that she will continue to detoriate, if ever so slightly, until she is falling more frequently. At some point she will fall and injure herself to the point where she requires hospitalization and rehab. It's also quite likely that those injuries will cause her pain of some sort for years to come. It is quite possible she will sustain some injury from which she will never fully recover. Can you tell I have been through this with my DM ?

Our family engaged in some tippy-toeing strategies to convince DM to move to assisted living for several years and they did not work. Finally we shopped around for a residence, and went to her with three different asst'd living facilities. Anytime she remarked that "she could just stay there in the house"
we firmly told her that was not one of the three options.

At the time I think my brother, sister, and I thought we were being loving and understanding about our DM. What really happened was that putting off the move just made things more difficult for our mother. Good luck with your decision. My only regret is that we didn't have her move about 3 years earlier.