This could be interesting...

[rpmdfw]

You two!

I swear!

What?

 

[npmommie]

Committed is what you make of it, as long as you both are on the same page. You can be committed to each other and still have an open sexual relationship, whether it be strictly threesomes including each other, distinct sexual partners on the side, etc.

No, I'm in a committed relationship with my boyfriend, who we have an open sexual relationship with others as long as both of us are present. This is part of our committment to each other.

so you are not ok with him having a distinct sexual partner on the side when you are not there?
just wondering.

i wonder something else, you are a guy right?
do you all think men have an easier time with the whole sex is just sex and love is love thing?
woman tend to equate sex with love more then men do. at least thats just my opinion.
any thoughts?

or am i off base and there are woman here that could have an open sexual relationship with the person they love?

 

[wallyb]

I swear!

I KNOW... like a truck driver!

 

[wallyb]

i wonder something else, you are a guy right?
do you all think men have an easier time with the whole sex is just sex and love is love thing?
woman tend to equate sex with love more then men do. at least thats just my opinion.

I'm glad you said it.

Men do seem to be able to compartmentalize.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

so you are not ok with him having a distinct sexual partner on the side when you are not there?
just wondering.

Correct, our committment is that we do not have distinct sexual partners when the other is not there.

i wonder something else, you are a guy right?

Yes, I am.

do you all think men have an easier time with the whole sex is just sex and love is love thing?
woman tend to equate sex with love more then men do. at least thats just my opinion.
any thoughts?

or am i off base and there are woman here that could have an open sexual relationship with the person they love?

The term "uhaul" for lesbian relationships didn't come about for no reason at all, women definately tend to relate sex with love and become very attached (sometimes quickly, but that isn't necessarily a standard or norm, just an observation). I cannot speak to why (I'm not a female), but it does seem to be more common.

As for women having open sexual relationships, I know many lesbian, bisexual and straight couples that have open sexual relationships, again, I think it is less common, but its not non-existant either.

 

[DVCajun]

do you all think men have an easier time with the whole sex is just sex and love is love thing?
woman tend to equate sex with love more then men do. at least thats just my opinion.
any thoughts?

or am i off base and there are woman here that could have an open sexual relationship with the person they love?

There's absolutely no way I could do that, nor could my wife. We discussed this with a gay friend (male) the other day -- most women seem to have a direct connection between their sex and their hearts. It opens us up emotionally to connect with someone in a physically intimate way even when they aren't necessarily in love with that person. As for me and my wife, we are very much in love and it's definitely "making love," when we are physically intimate. We cannot make that separation.

I'm not making judgments of others -- the friend I mentioned is not in a relationship at the moment, but he's definitely ok with a sexually open relationship and received no condemnation from us. It's just not for us.

As for women having open sexual relationships, I know many lesbian, bisexual and straight couples that have open sexual relationships, again, I think it is less common, but its not non-existant either.

Yes, there are women in sexually open relationships, but they are in the minority. I'm amazed that you know "many" such women.

 

[jenn&nelsonrego]

I KNOW... like a truck driver!

You were not complaining last night....

 

[zeitzeuge]

To the OP, just tell your partner how you feel. Communication is the key to ANY type of relationship.

And to the point of "types" of relationships, we really need not judge one another.

As far as gay, lesbian, bi and straight relationships, I've see the following over the years:
-Fully 100% committed and monogamous relationships.
-Partners who only allow a 3rd to play with them sexually, yet very committed and been together for years.
-Partners to play together and also allowed to play apart as long as they communicate, yet very committed and been together for years.
-Partners to are free to do what they want, when they want, with whomever they want, yet very committed and been together for years.

There's been a host of others probably, that I can't think of off the top of my head. I've seen these situations work for certain couples and I've seem them totally fall apart. But the important thing, is although we may not agree with someones type of relationship for whatever reason, we cannot judge them. If it works for them, then more power to them! Whatever makes someone happy, correct?

From personal experience, I've been in all types. My partner and I are monogamous. But we also realize that each other isn't dead either. If someone chats us up or talks to us online, we talk or whatever but the other person knows that's as far as it goes. Hell, we'll flirt. The key is that we TALK about it. The minute you start keeping things hidden is when it's destined for failure.

(can't believe I'm telling this.......)
My previous relationship was 100% open at the request of my ex. He traveled 5 days a week. The minute he told me he wanted things open, I knew what would happen. I know myself. I would meet someone, given the chance to play around. I knew my heart would fall for someone if the right person came along.

And I did. I met Steven the last year my ex and I were together. Although I was 100% wrong in hiding it from him, once I told him he gave me a hug and thanked me. He wanted out long ago he said. So did I. Neither one had the guts to say something. Now? We're both in the most loving, monogamous relationships that either one of us have ever had.

Whatever works.......

Just communicate.

 

[jenn&nelsonrego]

...we really need not judge one another...

...Whatever works.......

...Just communicate.

Awesome post Zeit!

 

[npmommie]

There's absolutely no way I could do that, nor could my wife. We discussed this with a gay friend (male) the other day -- most women seem to have a direct connection between their sex and their hearts. It opens us up emotionally to connect with someone in a physically intimate way even when they aren't necessarily in love with that person. As for me and my wife, we are very much in love and it's definitely "making love," when we are physically intimate. We cannot make that separation.


Yes, there are women in sexually open relationships, but they are in the minority. I'm amazed that you know "many" such women.

I agree.
I am female married to a male. He could probably compartmentalize the sex love thing, but he won't get the chance

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Hmmmm, well. Wicked interesting conversation!

I don't equate sexual interaction with love. I do however think that sexual interaction with someone you do love, can make the relationship more tender, more loving and stronger.

Perhaps some of the differences come with the connection between trust and sex. I don't know. I know that absenting love, or even feelings of growing love, there would have to be some amount of trust before there was sexual activity.

You know? I've never once met a lesbian couple that started out their relationship with a UHaul. :lol:

Compartmentalize? That's a pretty good way to describe it, I guess!

I look at life as a whole fabric, not as compartments, so once I started weaving the fabric, I'd have trouble with the little boxes.

However, quilts are beautiful things, no?

Truly, to each her/his own with no judgment from anyone else necessary. It is what it is, and what works for you.

 

[juniper27]

Well, I'm a female who can totally compartmentalize the sex/love thing...but then I'm basically a gay man with breasts so who knows how that plays into things.

I'm a bi woman married to a bi guy, in a non-monogamous but very committed marriage. We were dating long-distance in high school and both 'cheating' on each other with no emotional involvement with the people on the side....finally confessed to each other and decided it was ok as long as we didn't keep it secret. Funnily enough, we are now both pretty much hermits and haven't acted on it in years. But my thoughts were the same as Wally's when I read the OP...forget the roller coasters!

 

[soulmates]

I am ALWAYS the last to get on the bandwagon so to speak. I have SO many emotions going right now. Having been married to someone who cheated, and before you go crazy, I KNOW we're not talking about that..however, somewhere, deep inside my being, I just see it (open relationships) as such. I know a lesbian, who was in a committed relationship for 4 years. They AGREED to have a 1 time, 3some. The 1 girl who's idea it was, ended up NEVER being able to trust her partner after that! Yes, it was her idea, yes they were all there together, but somehow, it ate it her. It ended up being the ruin of their relationship. I know for me, as a woman, the very THOUGHT of my DP so much as touching another woman, hurts my heart in ways I can't even explain. This open thing, it's so not for us, and IMHO, I can't see how it would make any relationship grow, thrive, inspire you to become a better person...I see it as a slow cancer that will one day eat away the very core of what USED to be love and now, left with something cold and empty.
For those who say it works, I say, call me in 5 or so years...or maybe, just maybe, your idea and my idea of intimacy are just that, different. I'm just not of the theory, sex is sex. I'm not wired that way. I knew instantly DP was my soulmate and I don't write that word lightly. Infact, till I met her, I'd NEVER said that about anyone. So maybe THAT is the key? For some, sex really IS just a "Feel Good" thing, but for me, and I belive alot of other couples, it's a far more spiritual thing.

As for the poor OP, go with your GUT~

 

[rpmdfw]

For those who say it works, I say, call me in 5 or so years

Chris, I understand what you're saying. But in real actual fact, there are couples out there who have been together MUCH longer than five years with some sort of non-monogomous arrangement. I'll agree that it's not for everyone, and some who try end up losing their relationship; but in my experience the relationships that fall apart because of that, had other underlying issues that contributed, and this was the "last straw", not the actual problem.

So, I think for you to say "call me in 5 years" to imply that no matter what it won't last, is a little bit lacking in the perspective of the other side of the issue. And that's okay. You've got a relationship that works for you, and having met met you, I KNOW you're happy and very much in love. It shows! So I'll encourage people with "open" situations not to scoff at you, because you've chosen a different path to happiness than they have; the same way I think it's wrong for you to declare that their open relationships are doomed to fail.

An interesting side point: One of the strongest, most stable relationsips I ever saw was an "open arrangement" where the "couple" was three guys. They were together for over ten years before I lost touch with them, and I'd bet they still are. I'm not sure how the sleeping arrangements worked, and it didn't matter to me. I didn't judge them, I just enjoyed spending time with them in social settings when it happened.

Love works in all kinds of ways, far be it from me to tell anyone that their way is wrong.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Agreed one hundred percent Rob, however I think the key may be the basis on which an open relationship is founded.

Well, that's not so profound, eh? Any relationship has to have a basis if it is to last.

I think that I have a hard time understanding an open relationship, although I don't find them wrong, immoral, less loving, less interpersonally committed, simply that I just can't go there...

I think that may be the point of the five year comment. For those of us for whom an open relationship isn't a viable expression of what we share in our commitment to our spouses, it seems as though lasting relationships within that open context would be difficult to maintain.

And for my limited experience, any couple I've known (and granted, there weren't many) that had that open aspect (some of the couples were heterosexual, too) ended up divorcing/going their separate ways after a time, for more than one reason.

Perhaps some of it is too, the importance a couple places on sexual activity, and the role that activity plays. If it's more like a service, say a pedicure, then it's easy to imagine it coming from within or without the relationship. More along the level of a pleasant experience, but nothing too intimate...

I don't know. I do know that what others choose to do with consenting adults is none of my business!

 

[soulmates]

Chris, I understand what you're saying. But in real actual fact, there are couples out there who have been together MUCH longer than five years with some sort of non-monogomous arrangement. I'll agree that it's not for everyone, and some who try end up losing their relationship; but in my experience the relationships that fall apart because of that, had other underlying issues that contributed, and this was the "last straw", not the actual problem.

So, I think for you to say "call me in 5 years" to imply that no matter what it won't last, is a little bit lacking in the perspective of the other side of the issue. And that's okay. You've got a relationship that works for you, and having met met you, I KNOW you're happy and very much in love. It shows! So I'll encourage people with "open" situations not to scoff at you, because you've chosen a different path to happiness than they have; the same way I think it's wrong for you to declare that their open relationships are doomed to fail.

An interesting side point: One of the strongest, most stable relationsips I ever saw was an "open arrangement" where the "couple" was three guys. They were together for over ten years before I lost touch with them, and I'd bet they still are. I'm not sure how the sleeping arrangements worked, and it didn't matter to me. I didn't judge them, I just enjoyed spending time with them in social settings when it happened.

Love works in all kinds of ways, far be it from me to tell anyone that their way is wrong.

Rob, WELL said. As I mentioned when I first posted, I was full of emotion. Your right, having met us, you know, that's just not for us. In all honesty, I don't know anyone personally who's IN an open relationship. I have just heard from folks who tried it. I can't wrap my mind around it. I appreciate your honesty and the fact that you were very sweet in your approach. I on the otherhand, was not. Shame on me. One thing I DO know, is when I come here, to the DIS, I'm not judged, but accepted. I can be myself and and I feel safe. I guess I forgot that, and let my emotions take over. I tend to do this, and then later, go back and really think about the situation with an OPEN mind. While I know in my heart, this is not for us, I really AM happy for anyone who's found love and are happy!

Thanks Rob, hugs to you!

Chris

 

[zeitzeuge]

I know for some people, the thoughts of an open relationship isn't even fathomable. Not possible. And I completely understand that, I really do. I've been in them before and for me personally, they always felt temporary and eventually never worked out obviously. For the ones for whom it works for, it seems to work perfectly. Even the "third" scenario that Rob talked about. We have friends who just added a new "roommate" into the situation as they call it.

It's all about limits, boundaries and communication. My partner and I aren't open and neither one of us would ever see that changing. For others? Go for it.

 

[itsmuggsie]

Well, I'm a female who can totally compartmentalize the sex/love thing...but then I'm basically a gay man with breasts so who knows how that plays into things.

I always thought of myself as a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body, but for a totally different reason

Love works in all kinds of ways, far be it from me to tell anyone that their way is wrong.

I so agree. Everyone is different and I think is all comes down to love and trust and setting your boundaries. I do know many gay couples that have been and some still are in open relationships and it has worked beautifully for them. I don't think I've known any lesbian couples who have or tried an open relationship. My partner and I have discussed it and thought about it, but just something we don't think would work for us.

 

[rpmdfw]

Great! We've got that settled.


Now. Where is locolala with the pictures of Tom?

Hello! We haven't forgotten that you said he was really hot!

Pics please! Lots of them. Preferably with little to no clothing on . . .

 

[wallyb]

Hey "Whatever blows your skirt up!" I say

And that can charge over time and circumstances.