Thinking of leaving one child behind....

[justhat]

I agree, lclark0621, I don't remember seeing anyone say she was a bad mom either. I don't agree with leaving one child behind, but I specifically said I wouldn't think of her as a bad mom if she did. I said if I ever did it, I know I'd feel very guilty everytime I saw something I know my child would enjoy, or if I saw another child her age. I also added that my infant didn't slow down the pace of our trip anymore than my 6yo cousin or 2.5yo niece.

I also don't think it's a fair statement to say that a parent who wouldn't leave one of their kids home on a Disney trip is overly attached to them and "can't use the bathroom without them." My husband works more than 90 hours a week and therefore doesn't see our daughter very often, but when I asked him if he would ever want to leave one kid, he said no way. He said that it's one thing to leave both kids and go away alone, but for him it's not an option to only take select kids, with his reasoning being that his parents never left some of his siblings home and took others, either the whole family went, or just the parents. And that was the same in my family. That's our opinion, but doesn't mean anyone who feels differently is a bad parent.

And though I am a SAHM, my daughter is a very independent baby. At a new playgroup last week, she met an 'older boy' (17 months), and ran out of the room and left me without ever looking back. For the whole 2 hours she came to see me once, and that was to get a snack. The rest of the time she spent visiting the other babies and moms. And she's 11 months old, so I think she's pretty secure. Not to mention that she does interact with other people, so it's not like everyone who won't leave their kid at home is a recluse and shelters their child from the world.

 

[justhat]

I don't know you, so I can't comment on how you raise your children. I would consider taking my younger daughter and not my older daughter. A few years down the road when my older DD can't miss school as much, while the younger one can, I would definitely consider doing a mom and daughter trip. Of course, I'd have to see how the older one reacted to that.

I find it interesting that you'd consider your older child's opinion on being left behind on a trip, but you'd leave the one who can't have an opinion yet without thinking twice. I can totally understand mom/child trips, but I think that if you do it with one, then you should do it with the other. Plus I think they should be just that: mom/child or dad/child trips. Not family-1 trips. That way each child gets alone time with a parent to do what they want during that time. In fact, I think it's a great idea to do that, alternating kids, so that each one gets special alone time with one parent. But to give one kid that time with both parents and the other kid never gets it, well that's what I think would hurt my child's feelings so I wouldn't be able to do it. But again, that's me and my family, doesn't make anyone a bad parent.

 

[nygrl]

I don't know you, so I can't comment on how you raise your children. I would consider taking my younger daughter and not my older daughter. A few years down the road when my older DD can't miss school as much, while the younger one can, I would definitely consider doing a mom and daughter trip. Of course, I'd have to see how the older one reacted to that.

I KNOW that my daughter does not feel like she was left behind, because we talk about it. She will get out the photo album that she's not in, and she still has fun looking at those pictures. We love her enough and give her enough attention that she doesn't feel like we did it because we don't like her. She's four years old and understands just fine that she didn't get to go on one of the trips. I also know that on New Year's Eve when we stayed in a hotel with friends, and we had her go and stay with my dad that her feelings were hurt. I made a mistake on that one. It was for one night. But, she was hurt, I could tell.


And, if DH and I were to take a adults only trip tomorrow, I would not think twice about him and I going to Disney World by ourselves without our children. There is so much for adults to do there. And, if my children ever want to comment on the fact that they didn't get to go, I would very quickly point out that they have been more times to Disney World than a lot of people go in their whole lives.

i just had to chim in one more time and say that i totally agree with EVERYTHING you said here. i would also totally consider taking my little one on a trip without his older brother. my boys are 4 and a half years apart and im sure when my older son is in his teens he may want to stay home with a friend or grandma. and my dh and i have discussed many times taking a trip to disney just the 2 of us and we probably will. imagine having no kids to slow you down LOL!!!!!!

 

[Madi100]

I find it interesting that you'd consider your older child's opinion on being left behind on a trip, but you'd leave the one who can't have an opinion yet without thinking twice. I can totally understand mom/child trips, but I think that if you do it with one, then you should do it with the other. Plus I think they should be just that: mom/child or dad/child trips. Not family-1 trips. That way each child gets alone time with a parent to do what they want during that time. In fact, I think it's a great idea to do that, alternating kids, so that each one gets special alone time with one parent. But to give one kid that time with both parents and the other kid never gets it, well that's what I think would hurt my child's feelings so I wouldn't be able to do it. But again, that's me and my family, doesn't make anyone a bad parent.

The difference is that when we left one behind, she couldn't talk. Really couldn't ask her much. Our reasons for leaving the younger one behind were the same as the OPs. The younger one couldn't do as much, and we would really have to change our vacation to accommodate her. That wouldn't be the case if the older one got left behind.

Believe me, my children are not neglected. They don't need any more attention or to be given anymore than they have. If someone gives me a gift of money, I'm more apt to spend it on my children than myself. Any of my family members would gladly give a reference to the fact that my children lack for nothing, attention and love included.

 

[justhat]

The difference is that when we left one behind, she couldn't talk. Really couldn't ask her much. Our reasons for leaving the younger one behind were the same as the OPs. The younger one couldn't do as much, and we would really have to change our vacation to accommodate her. That wouldn't be the case if the older one got left behind.

Believe me, my children are not neglected. They don't need any more attention or to be given anymore than they have. If someone gives me a gift of money, I'm more apt to spend it on my children than myself. Any of my family members would gladly give a reference to the fact that my children lack for nothing, attention and love included.

I'm sure your children are very well taken care of. My point was simply that if the younger one had been able to talk then, don't you think that she would have wanted to go with her parents and sister if you asked her? That's the main reason I couldn't do it, because I know my child would want to come along and would have a great time. Even it meant we'd have to stop to change diapers or baby swap some rides. We've been with my daughter 4 times, with the 5th in just 2 months, and we have to of all that now, but we still have a great trip and my daughter LOVES to be there.

 

[Madi100]

I'm sure your children are very well taken care of. My point was simply that if the younger one had been able to talk then, don't you think that she would have wanted to go with her parents and sister if you asked her? That's the main reason I couldn't do it, because I know my child would want to come along and would have a great time. Even it meant we'd have to stop to change diapers or baby swap some rides. We've been with my daughter 4 times, with the 5th in just 2 months, and we have to of all that now, but we still have a great trip and my daughter LOVES to be there.

I'm glad it works for you to take your daughter. She is very lucky. I'm sure had we taken our daughter our trip would have been wonderful, just very different. There are a lot of times in life when my children would like to do things that they can't. One got invited to a birthday party. The other couldn't go. Fair? Depends on who you ask. As parents we try to decide what is best for the family. What is best for one family, isn't for the next. This year for my birthday I celebrated with just DH and myself. It was great (last week). Tonight for Valentine's Day it's a family thing. People might always want to do those special times with all family, all couples, or nothing at all. We're all different.

 

[FLAsomeday]

Don't leave one behind. It is time you can never make up.

 

[christinadei]

I didn't say anyone specifically said "you are a bad mom if you don't bring the baby". I know some of you said you wouldn't leave the baby but don't think she's a bad mom if she did. I think that that is a great way to respond. No one is asking anyone to feel a particular way here. I'm not talking about people who said their opinion. I'm talking about people who made it sound like "how could you even think of such a thing!"

Also, I never said SAHM's are bad. I think it's great that people choose to and are able to stay home with their kids. I'm not saying kids don't need attention. I'm just talking about the ones who can't go to the bathroom without thier kids. The world revolves around their kids. These are the kids that are insecure and grow up failures because their parents never taught them to do anything for themselves. I'm not saying anyone here is like that. I'm simply saying that it is healthy for parents and kids to do things without each other sometimes.

I also didn't say that it's wrong to bring your child with you. Sheesh. I'm not forcing my opinions on anyone. I agree that different things work for different families.

 

[Bonnie40]

I've posted before on this thread and have been watching it all along - it's been fascinating!

It's too bad that the OP is frustrated and angry with the differing views and opinions which she in fact asked for. I didn't sense that people were being nasty and insinuating she was a 'bad parent', just giving their opinions and letting her see all the angles. I must say though, that I thought it ironic that she states that for future trips, she'd have to see how the older son felt before going alone with the younger one. Speaks volumes because the youngest presently doesn't have a voice in the matter.

Personally, I didn't chuckle or really think it was funny when her recent response was so sarcastic towards the posters suggesting she take all her children on vacation. Just me I guess...

 

[Madi100]

I've posted before on this thread and have been watching it all along - it's been fascinating!

It's too bad that the OP is frustrated and angry with the differing views and opinions which she in fact asked for. I didn't sense that people were being nasty and insinuating she was a 'bad parent', just giving their opinions and letting her see all the angles. I must say though, that I thought it ironic that she states that for future trips, she'd have to see how the older son felt before going alone with the younger one. Speaks volumes because the youngest presently doesn't have a voice in the matter.

Personally, I didn't chuckle or really think it was funny when her recent response was so sarcastic towards the posters suggesting she take all her children on vacation. Just me I guess...

Unless I missed it somewhere, I am the one who said that I would take my older child later on, and I'm not the OP. Just don't want you thinking bad things about the OP. Think them of me Unless I'm mistaken, and she did say it.

 

[Bonnie40]

Christina,

Just read your post above my last and I have to comment...

My children are older - 18, 15 and 13. I've been a SAHM from day one and can honestly and proudly say that our lives have 'revolved around' our kids. We have never vacationed without them, they know they come first, and we have made huge sacrifices over the years for them (just like most parents do!).

To suggest that because I 'do everything' for them makes them failures, is making such a broad generalization that it's laughable!

We have raised (and are still raising) 3 responsible kids who have never given us a speck of trouble, work productively with jobs even before they were 16, and because we have the kind of family we do, they appreciate our time together as much as we do. It's just understood that we would never travel and bring along friends, etc. Our vacations are family time away from friends, phones and computers.

I'm not saying they're perfect and neither are we, but we're doing something right and I firmly believe that there are too many parents who do not put their children first in their lives and that is contributing to the problems with youth today. Now before I get flamed, I'm in no way suggesting that this is an issue for the OP, not at all. She asked for our opinions and she got plenty, all over the map I'd say.

JMHO...

 

[justhat]

I must say though, that I thought it ironic that she states that for future trips, she'd have to see how the older son felt before going alone with the younger one. Speaks volumes because the youngest presently doesn't have a voice in the matter.

Thanks! That's my point. It's only okay if the one being left behind can't talk yet?

I think the birthday party thing is totally different, because that is 1 child's friend inviting her, and the other child will have friends who invite only her. It's not like the one child and both parents will be going to the party and having a great time while the other kid is left home, just the one kid goes alone, parents and other child stay home. A family vacation is a decision the parents make, so it's them deciding to single out only one child, quite different from a birthday party IMO.

christinadei, I really don't agree with yoru statement about kids being insecure if they are always around their mother. Like I said, I'm a SAHM. My daughter has only been without me 4 times in her life (once with my husband, 2x with my mom, and once at Flounder's Reef on the Disney cruise). Actually, she does in fact follow me into the bathroom sometimes when we're home! But, as I have already said, she's a very independent baby. From the time she wakes up in the morning till she goes to bed at night, she spends her days walking around the house playing, only coming to me when she's tired or wants to nurse, both of which are rare events for her. So even us mommies who can't go to the bathroom alone have independent, well-adjusted kids!

 

[Bonnie40]

Sorry Madi100! Didn't realize that!

 

[Bonnie40]

Hey justhat!

I never feel like I articulate myself well when I'm trying to make my point. Thanks for the support!

 

[christinadei]

Let me repeat myself. There is nothing wrong with being a SAHM mom, I think that they are great. Also there is nothing wrong with your children being first in yoru life. That is a given. A child should always be put first. However, you are not a bad parent if you "dump" (in one posters words) your children on your parents for a vacation. I didn't say children of SAHM's are insecure. I said that it's healty for kids to be away from their parents at times and to learn to do things on thier own (including go to the bathroom).

 

[Bonnie40]

I'm not saying kids don't need attention. I'm just talking about the ones who can't go to the bathroom without thier kids. The world revolves around their kids. These are the kids that are insecure and grow up failures because their parents never taught them to do anything for themselves.

Christina: If I misunderstood your comment about children being failures to parents whose lives revolve around them, then I'm sorry. It was just such a harsh generalization, that I couldn't pass on commenting on it. We are always accused of having our kids 'revolve' around us, but from what I can see, my life revolving around them is giving them the edge over others. They may not be able to do their own laundry yet , but they are secure in all the ways that count, especially in knowing that they are important and valued as people within our family.

Just so you know, I have NEVER participated in any kind of debate on here before...it's been an eye-opener!

 

[christinadei]

Christina: If I misunderstood your comment about children being failures to parents whose lives revolve around them, then I'm sorry. It was just such a harsh generalization, that I couldn't pass on commenting on it. We are always accused of having our kids 'revolve' around us, but from what I can see, my life revolving around them is giving them the edge over others. They may not be able to do their own laundry yet , but they are secure in all the ways that count, especially in knowing that they are important and valued as people within our family.

Just so you know, I have NEVER participated in any kind of debate on here before...it's been an eye-opener!

Right, I said the ones who's parents have never taught them to do anything for themselves. They are also the kids who think they do no wrong, because in their parents eyes, they dont. That is sheltering them and not preparing them for life. They are the ones who end up in jail because they think they can't do anything wrong and who can't keep a job becuase there is no one there to baby them. But loving your kids and valuing them is what as parents we are suposed to do. I love my son and like i said before, he comes first in my life. There's nothing wrong with loving your kids and doing what is best for them. I know the kids that are sheltered feel very loved by their parents, but there is a real world out there, one that they will have to live in once they move out (if they ever move out) and mommy will not always be there to do EVERYTHING for them. Loving them is one thing, sheltering them is another.

 

[justhat]

Let me repeat myself. There is nothing wrong with being a SAHM mom, I think that they are great. Also there is nothing wrong with your children being first in yoru life. That is a given. A child should always be put first. However, you are not a bad parent if you "dump" (in one posters words) your children on your parents for a vacation. I didn't say children of SAHM's are insecure. I said that it's healty for kids to be away from their parents at times and to learn to do things on thier own (including go to the bathroom).
...
Originally Posted by christinadei
I'm just talking about the ones who can't go to the bathroom without thier kids. The world revolves around their kids. These are the kids that are insecure and grow up failures because their parents never taught them to do anything for themselves.

This 2nd quote was where I got the idea that you meant that kids who are always around mommy, even when mommy goes to the potty like my daughter is, are insecure. If you didn't mean that, then sorry, my comment is invalid.

Bonnie40, I never feel I'm clear when I want to make a point either! Good job!

 

[justhat]

Right, I said the ones who's parents have never taught them to do anything for themselves. They are also the kids who think they do no wrong, because in their parents eyes, they dont. That is sheltering them and not preparing them for life. They are the ones who end up in jail because they think they can't do anything wrong and who can't keep a job becuase there is no one there to baby them. But loving your kids and valuing them is what as parents we are suposed to do. I love my son and like i said before, he comes first in my life. There's nothing wrong with loving your kids and doing what is best for them. I know the kids that are sheltered feel very loved by their parents, but there is a real world out there, one that they will have to live in once they move out (if they ever move out) and mommy will not always be there to do EVERYTHING for them. Loving them is one thing, sheltering them is another.

I understand your point, but I'm not sure how that relates to this discussion. No one said the OP was a bad mom, no one said they extremely shelter their kids to the point of reclusiveness, no one said they have perfect kids, so I don't see how any of that came out of people saying they wouldn't leave one child home and take another?

 

[christinadei]

Christina,

I'm not saying they're perfect and neither are we, but we're doing something right and I firmly believe that there are too many parents who do not put their children first in their lives and that is contributing to the problems with youth today. Now before I get flamed, I'm in no way suggesting that this is an issue for the OP, not at all. She asked for our opinions and she got plenty, all over the map I'd say.

JMHO...

I just want to say that I totally agree with this. I definatly feel that a big problem in the world today is that people put themselves before their children. So many people have kids at young ages (not bashing htem, I was one) and are too immature and selfish to be able to put them before themselves. My son is totally first in our lives and every kid should be first in their parents lives. I wasn't saying that kids shouldn't be put first.