Things that could end a good relationship.

[princesspiglet]

Oh yes, you're right. Asking someone to attempt to stay in shape is so out of line, so yes by all means continue to eat 20 donuts a day and get just as big as you want to honey

I am 5'4" and weigh 120 pounds, have hair down to my back and HAVE to wear heels everyday to work. However, if my DH ever said those words to me, we would be divorced. He doesn't REQUIRE me to be anything except myself, warts and all. He loves me equally whether I wear my heels or I am in sweats and slippers. He also still loved me when I gained 80 pounds while pregnant, and when I chopped off all my hair for donation. The point is, none of those things were "deal-breakers" to him, because he loves me for who I am.

 

[TheAviator]

I totally agree. Aviator could've worded it better. "Getting fat" as a deal breaker is pretty harsh. If my dh "got fat" I most certainly would not divorce him. Work with him to be heatlhier? Sure. But not end our relationship. That'd be pretty shallow.
And for what it's worth, I think that even if it was one of us female dis'ers that had said "getting fat" that she would've been flamed as well.

Well of course this is what I meant. I did not mean if my partner got fat I am running to divorce court. Of course I would work with them and be understanding, but I would expect them to work on it and give an effort. You have to put out effort is the point here. Not putting out effort, not trying your best to look attractive (which I would do myself) just shows the other partner that you care enough about them to do something and you want to look attractive for them. It shows you care. Letting yourself go says you don't care.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Judging by your posts alone, cause we dont know any better, it appears as thou youre superficial. Cause you said you'd kick her to the curb if she gained weight, wore flats and chopped her hair. Those are your standards, which is fine. But im not sure why you're surprised that you're being flamed. Lol.

EDIT: I just read your previous post regarding not running to divorce court. Thanks for clarify. You can take your flame suit off now. LOL!

Yes I would agree, I never said it was the ONLY thing I cared about, not by a long shot. Other posters merely took that assumption and ran with it at my expense.

 

[FireDancer]

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I don't think I am. I meant my vows. People can and do get healthy again. If someone has changed that much, there has to be an underlying reason that could be explored and worked on.

Cheating is also not a deal breaker to me, though I know it is to many.

Absolutely. But if you discuss your concerns and the other person doesn't do anything about it after some time I don't think it is wrong to realize they aren't going to change. And this goes for either partner. If one of you is letting yourself go in whatever manner and the other spouse brings it up, offers to help you overcome whatever it is, and you don't do it I wouldn't fault the other one for wanting out. I think it is up to both partners to keep the marriage healthy and enjoyable.

That means you don't go from being a wife to being only a mother or husband to only a father. You don't become that person that comes home from work and pops themselves in front of the tv and disconnects from your life. You don't become that person that never puts forth any effort or looses all interest in hobbies. Stuff like that.

Cheating is most definitely a deal breaker for me and the first time. No second chance, no acceptable explanation, it is over that moment.

 

[TheAviator]

I am 5'4" and weigh 120 pounds, have hair down to my back and HAVE to wear heels everyday to work. However, if my DH ever said those words to me, we would be divorced. He doesn't REQUIRE me to be anything except myself, warts and all. He loves me equally whether I wear my heels or I am in sweats and slippers. He also still loved me when I gained 80 pounds while pregnant, and when I chopped off all my hair for donation. The point is, none of those things were "deal-breakers" to him, because he loves me for who I am.

I am sure he's one lucky dude. And you have warts? You know they have that wart cream stuff, or you can have those burned off.

 

[skylizard]

Well of course this is what I meant. I did not mean if my partner got fat I am running to divorce court. Of course I would work with them and be understanding, but I would expect them to work on it and give an effort. You have to put out effort is the point here. Not putting out effort, not trying your best to look attractive (which I would do myself) just shows the other partner that you care enough about them to do something and you want to look attractive for them. It shows you care. Letting yourself go says you don't care.

It may have been what you meant, but it's defintely not how you came across. That's all.

 

[TheAviator]

Judging by your posts alone, cause we dont know any better, it appears as thou youre superficial. Cause you said you'd kick her to the curb if she gained weight, wore flats and chopped her hair. Those are your standards, which is fine. But im not sure why you're surprised that you're being flamed. Lol.

EDIT: I just read your previous post regarding not running to divorce court. Thanks for clarify. You can take your flame suit off now. LOL!

Hmmm OK so you DON"T assume those that use the mayo instead of miracle whip and yankees fans are superficial and would kick them to the curb, but you DID imply that with what I said. Awww righty then.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Yep. Im glad you understand.

Hmmm OK so you DON"T assume those that use the mayo instead of miracle whip and yankees fans are superficial and would kick them to the curb, but you DID imply that with what I said. Awww righty then.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Yep. Im glad you understand.

Aaaaarrrrrrrgh.

 

[skylizard]

 

[goofyintoronto]

Hmmm OK so you DON"T assume those that use the mayo instead of miracle whip and yankees fans are superficial and would kick them to the curb, but you DID imply that with what I said. Awww righty then.

Seriously thou, those are two different things. If the miracle whip person or peanut butter person was dead serious about it, not sure i'd be highly offended because im not a jar of peanut butter or miracle whip. Lol. I'd think there's a slight chance they might need therapy, but thats about it. The other posters were serious about the annoying habits they listed, but i doubt anyone here would kick their spouse to the curb over peanut butter or miracle whip!

 

[Wishing on a star]

How is asking your partner to attempt to stay in shape such a crazy concept for you? Nevermind I can probably guess why it is.

And, you would probably be quite wrong!!!!
I will be specific here... my weight runs around 118-120.
My husband between 160-170 ( I think!)

My hair has been both long, and short....

I can promise you that my husband loves nothing more than sexy high heels, painted toes...
But, you know what... He would NEVER, EVER, make the comments that you made. Even 'in jest'.
Which is good, because I had an injury and surgery to my foot a few years ago.
High heels, now, are maybe for a few minutes, for an occasion....

When my husband hit his 40's, and his body and metabolism, changed, and he gained some weight... HE was the one who made comments about what he saw in photos, etc.... NOT me. I never made that kind of comment... He then became very OCD about his overall health and weight... NOT because 'I' encouraged ( JUDGED ) him. But because is was what was right for him.

I know enough at this point to realize that, yes, our marriage might not be absolutely perfect...
But any consideration and requirements and judgment calls about the kinds of things we are discussing here.... NOT IMPORTANT.

There is no justification here, Aviator.
There just isn't.
Except maybe the whole social deficits and clueless thing.

 

[minkydog]

Well, I think this once-light-hearted-discussion has about run its course. Moving on...

 

[Wishing on a star]

I just noticed this on Yahoo, and it seems so valid and timely.


This is an interview with Dustin Hoffman, about his experience as a woman, when playing the role of Tootsie.

"In the interview, Hoffman says that to prepare for the film, a team of makeup artists turned Dustin into Dorothy to see if he could look plausible as a woman on screen. With the right makeup and costume, Hoffman could pull off the ruse, but he was disappointed that he wasn't more attractive.

Really disappointed.

Hoffman asked his team to make him more beautiful, but he was told, "That's as beautiful as we can get you, Charlie."

Hoffman recalls that when he saw himself as a woman, he started crying and told his wife:

"I said I have to make this picture, and she said, 'Why?' And I said, 'Because I think I am an interesting woman when I look at myself on screen. And I know that if I met myself at a party, I would never talk to that character because she doesn't fulfill physically the demands that we're brought up to think women have to have in order to ask them out.' She says, 'What are you saying?' And I said, 'There's too many interesting women I have ... not had the experience to know in this life because I have been brainwashed.'"

Hoffman says he had an "epiphany" about how women are judged for their appearance — and realized he had been participating in offensive behavior..... "

The video can be found on YaHoo, with a link to Youtube.
He really did seem to be earnest and emotional about this.

 

[TheAviator]

And, you would probably be quite wrong!!!!
I will be specific here... my weight runs around 118-120.
My husband between 160-170 ( I think!)

My hair has been both long, and short....

I can promise you that my husband loves nothing more than sexy high heels, painted toes...
But, you know what... He would NEVER, EVER, make the comments that you made. Even 'in jest'.
Which is good, because I had an injury and surgery to my foot a few years ago.
High heels, now, are maybe for a few minutes, for an occasion....

When my husband hit his 40's, and his body and metabolism, changed, and he gained some weight... HE was the one who made comments about what he saw in photos, etc.... NOT me. He then became very OCD about his overall health and weight... NOT because 'I' encouraged ( JUDGED ) him. But because is was what was right for him.

I know enough at this point to realize that, yes, our marriage might not be absolutely perfect...
But any consideration and requirements and judgment calls about the kinds of things we are discussing here.... NOT IMPORTANT.

There is no justification here, Aviator.
There just isn't.
Except maybe the whole social deficits and clueless thing.

OK well if that is the case why are you flying into such a frenzy that I prefer someone to look and dress like you say you do? Is it like I will wear heels, wear my hair long, stay in shape but don't you dare ever suggest that I look exactly how I look?

 

[TheAviator]

Well, I think this once-light-hearted-discussion has about run its course. Moving on...

Would you go put some heels on and get your tail back here

 

[Wishing on a star]

I did not mean if my partner got fat I am running to divorce court. Of course I would work with them

Now it goes from bad, to worse, to incredible, to WTH....

So, you would 'work with them'.

Wow....

 

[Wishing on a star]

OK well if that is the case why are you flying into such a frenzy that I prefer someone to look and dress like you say you do? Is it like I will wear heels, wear my hair long, stay in shape but don't you dare ever suggest that I look exactly how I look?

Some people just never will be able to GET IT....

Should I direct you to go read this post, on the prev. page...

I am 5'4" and weigh 120 pounds, have hair down to my back and HAVE to wear heels everyday to work. However, if my DH ever said those words to me, we would be divorced. He doesn't REQUIRE me to be anything except myself, warts and all. He loves me equally whether I wear my heels or I am in sweats and slippers. He also still loved me when I gained 80 pounds while pregnant, and when I chopped off all my hair for donation. The point is, none of those things were "deal-breakers" to him, because he loves me for who I am.

 

[TheAviator]

Now it goes from bad, to worse, to incredible, to WTH....

So, you would 'work with them'.

Wow....

Well it depends on if they were worth working with. In some cases definitely not.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Now it goes from bad, to worse, to incredible, to WTH....

So, you would 'work with them'.

Wow....

I think he meant work on their weight. Not work with what he was given/had.