They Call Me MISTER PIG- He Said, She Said (9/1 Lights, Thunder, Fantasmic? Page 47)

[ENSOCK]

Is it different in Texas? Would it be better if you are moving there to wait and file in that state?

I was thinking the same thing. If it is shorter in Texas then move and file there. I also agree to change the locks or at least add another lock so that he can't come in while you are not home.

 

[SnowWhite607]

Ok- Next step- CHANGE THE LOCKS!

That may actually be a real good idea. That way he cant come and go as he wants to. Also I would not want my kids visiting with him while he is living at a friends. That doesnt seem right. Do you know this friend?? I know my DH has friends and I would never let my DD go over there around them, LOL!

Did he formally adopt Cat? If not, he may have no right to visitation with her. Of course, then he wont have to pay support for her either.

HE left YOU.....dont forget that. HE was the one who did wrong, not you. You have every right to get mad and stick it to him.

Little did you know that you titled this trip report absolutely correctly.....HE certainly IS a pig!!!

 

[reelmom]

I agree with what was said about not letting He have visitation over at his friends house. Until you know for sure who it is and what kind of environment it is, I wouldn't let her go. I also agree about documenting everything. Even how he came into the house when he thought you were not there. Document if he misses visitation or doesn't pay for something. Everything. My cousin is going through a divorce that she did not want and her attorney told her a lot of the advice everyone is giving you. Especially about keeping track of what he does and does not do.
I hope Cat is feeling better. Know that your DIS friends are thinking about you and we are here for you when you want to talk.

 

[Camster0307]

Adversity reveals character, Becca; and what you're going through is revealing the true you - a STRONG woman who will stick up for herself and protect her children.

I'll say it again - you hold your head up high; you've done nothing wrong here! Things will get better and you will be better off. He is the loser here - in every sense of the word!

 

[LuccaDrake]

Becca, I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. My thoughts are with you and your family. I'm glad that everyone has given you such great advice. I still can't believe that you made him something special for your anniversary and he gave you this! I hope you burn it! Okay, okay, maybe that's not the right thing to do. But definitely chuck it so you don't have to keep looking at it. DBF's brother is going through this same sort of thing, except it was his GF that decided to leave after they built a house last summer and they have a 5yr old. She is angry mostly at him, but it was his GF who decided she wasn't done partying yet and just left one weekend. The sad part is no one seems to be trying to help their daughter through this. DBF's parents have volunteered to have her live with them since she is used to being with them most of the time. So kudos to you for putting the kiddos first! Anyways, obviously HE wasn't ready to be a parent or a husband because it seems only you know what those things truly mean. I'm very sorry that you have to be going through this cause you are such pretty, smart, fun person! This too shall pass.

~Beka~

 

[AmandaSparks730]

for you.

for Cat.

for Baby.

I'm young, but open for venting PM's, or if Cat wants to talk!

 

[MAJ RN]

Becca,

I am so sorry to hear of all of the turmoil in your life. You are very strong and you and the children will come out on top in the end. I know it seems impossible now, but in time you will see that it is for the best and you will be much happier. Thoughts and prayers for you and the kids.


Melissa

 

[Moonlitdreams82]

First...I am very sorry to hear of the death in your family. That is always a hard thing to deal with and even harder when you are already going through tough times.

Second...You are not a bad mother! You are doing everything in your power to make sure your children get through this and get the help that you need to get for Cat. Therapy for her is definately a good idea. She is at the age where she understands what is going on toa point, but doesn't really fully understand how the world and relationships work. That is very confusing for a child. In her mind she probably feels that you and her father don't love her enogh for the both of you to be there with her all the time. You should not feel guilty for this. It is what any child in this situation would feel and the most and best thing you can do is waht you are already doing. If there is anyone that should feel guilty it is hiim, but it seems like he is too wraped up in himself and feels that money will fix anything. You just keep doign waht you are doing. I am very proud of you for keeping sucha good head on your shoulder through all of this. You are a stong beautiful women.
Love,
Amy

 

[mom2taylorandemily]

This is my first post onto your TR, and as I got toward the past 10 pages, I was so upset to read about your DH.

The first thing I want to tell you to do is "Give Yourself A Big HUG!!!!". You are a great mom, it shows in your kids faces. You need to pat yourself on the back.

Next,.....

#1....you are not the worst mom ever so stop thinking that way. It is not your fault that He flaked. He is obviously young and immature and not done partying. Fine, but HE should have thought of that before he drug a wife and 2 kids into it.

#2...get a lawyer, like NOW. DO NOT let him play on your sympathies or dreams for "what should have been" and take advantage of you. BE STRONG and get what you need to make a comfortable life for you and your kids.

#3....Cat's Dance. He should have to provide you the same life you have become accustomed to and if that includes paying for her dance, so be it. Tell him if he wont help you out and pay for her dance, you may have to move to Texas after all to save some money.

#4...moving. I dont think any judge would tell you that you CANT move where you want if it would provide you an education opportunity and help you be a better provider. DH's ex wife moved his kid from Louisiana to Oregon cause she would be by family to help her. No one stopped her. If its hard for him to see the kid, TOUGH S*(&!! Thats HIS fault! You can see how much weight "I would die for my kids" will carry.

#5...your education. DO NOT give up!!! I was previously married to a very emotionaly and verbally abusive man who did not want me to go to school. He did not want me to have friends or an education cause he realized that if I did, he couldnt treat me like crap and expect me to stay. (we had no kid) I quit college a few times and then talked him into "letting" me go back, etc. Toward the end things got REALLY bad and I thought about quitting for good but I didnt. I got student loans, grants, whatever it took and I finished and I got my teaching degree and it was the absolute best decision I have ever made in my entire life. It provided me with a way to support myself and a family. After I finished I divorced him. I was never able to before because I didnt have the money, no place to live, and no money for school. Education gives you room to go WHEW and let out the breath you have been holding in. PLEASE do not give it up. Its not fair for him to decide he wants to party and you have to give up your dreams.

#6....even though it seems like it now, this is NOT the worst thing in the world that could happen to you. You have your children. Cat is scared and she is lashing out at the one closest to her (you). Just let her know that you love her and you will take care of her. I was a child of divorce too (when I was 3) and those words would have meant the world to me. You have your family who is willing to step up to the plate and help you pick up the pieces. Thats priceless. I know you have friends in real life and you have them here. (when does she start school? Maybe the counselor at her school could talk to her and help her or put you in touch with some free/low cost counseling for her)

I would suggest a few things to look into. It might suck, but you could go to social services and seek family assistance. You could qualify for foodstamps at the very least. Also, you may be able to get help with first months rent if you have to move from your home or apartment.

Also, look into the local Catholic Charities organization.You don't have to be catholic to get help from them. Most states have them. They have food vouchers usually for the local grocery stores and pantries. They might be able to help with cash assistance also to move into a new place. Another option is to call the local United Way office in your area explain your situation. They know all the local agencies that offer help and assistance. They can point you in the right direction. Some agencies will help with furniture and household items too.

Do you work? Do you have any money coming in besides his? Do what you have to do to get your degree and be able to support your kids. No man should be able to destroy your world and the world of your kids just with one sentence. Thats really unfair and it really sucks. I am so sorry.

Thinking of you...........

This absolutely the best sound advice I have read!!!! You have to protect yourself and your kids at all costs. Do, NOT and I mean DO NOT worry about him, he's doing just fine in that area all by himself. He isn't worried about you and the kids, so you have to do it.

I know it should go through the attorney. I just was so darn mad. And that was before the hives! My attorney is working on a visitation schedule but since He is currently living with a friend I am not sure what is going to happen with all of that. I called the attorney's office and the doctor sent him a copy of her note recommending therapy for Cat asap. I still need to get the address of where he is staying so my attorney can send him any paper work. Its a big mess and in NC we have to be seperated for a year before we can get divorced. I hate all of this. I was so happy and unaware before and now I am so angry I don't like feeling like this. Its just not how I usually am.-Becca-

Get his addy, your attorney will know what to do, now is not the time to be a Mr. Nice Guy. Put on your boxing gloves and be prepared to duke it out, the kids need you to be their advocate. If Cat needs therapy, have him cover it, and I'd make sure that he is covering the bills for the next year of your separation (we have the same rule in Virginia). He has to provide child support to the children, and in some cases the judge will also insist that he continue to cover expenses so you can finish your education. I know this doesn't seem fair, and you will go thru many different emotions and you will get thru this. I also read that you were regretting your trip to Disney, don't do that to yourself, Cat will have those memories of the two of you to last her a lifetime and there will come a day when she will need those memories, be glad that you were able to give them to her. He is being very selfish right now and he may never come around, but you will recover from this, there are many of us on here who have been in your shoes and have risen above it, you will too!!!! But I send you BIG !!!! In case your aren't ready to Hug yourself!!

Mary

 

[hlrababy]

Hey Becca!! I am just checking in with you!

I agree with everyone, if you haven't done it yet you need to change your locks pronto! I honestly think HE is being a total jerk and does not deserve you at all!!!!

 

[stagemomx3]

How ya doing today?

 

[sunnyday123]

Becca honey, I just caught up and I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this.

What a %&*%#@* to put you and the kids through this. And a coward. SnowWhite607 gave you good advice, as well as the person who said to change the locks. Cat should absolutely go to counseling, asap and I know the courts here can force a parent to take a child ( and pay for it ) if they deem it necessary. Right now she's angry that you are there and he isn't. She will be mad at everyone and everything. Just be patient and remind her it's not her fault and there isn't anything she could or couldn't do, everyone loves her. She should absolutely stay in dance, and there should be no reason he doesn't pay for it. Her routine should stay as close to what it is now.
I'm sure she will open up to counselor. I had DD in therapy after my divorce and it helped more than I could imagine. When her idiot father would cancel a visit she would simply call him and tell him she was angry with him, didn't want to talk to him but that she still loved him. She still has conversations like this with him unfortunately but the fact that she can is priceless. This isn't your fault, Cat's fault, or the baby's fault.

You sound like you are getting angry, and that's good. You should be. You are not a bad mother. Things get hectic with one child, and I can't imagine with two. For him to say hurtfull things to you and decide on his own that it's over it cowardly and devoid of any emotion or feeling. He's not going to take the blame of what he's done to you or Cat and probably never will. Defintely suggest counseling for the two of you, but prepare yourself for him refusing to go. If he wants to walk away from the best things to ever happen to him, let him go. He will realize one day that he's made the biggest mistake of his life, and will spend the rest of it regretting his decision. Trust me on this, my X still regrets his decision to cheat on me with the ho next door. He will end up sad and alone ( and let's throw fat and bald in too ) and you and the kids will be just fine.

One more thing. Talk to your attorney and have him go over your state's divorce laws. De. is a no-fault state, meaning you can divorce for any reason, and it doesn't matter. I've been through this, and have a friend who got the same song and dance you did, and I just want you to steel yourself for this to get worse before it get's better. Document when he comes over, what he says, what he does,when he calls....divorce court goes by this instead of witnesses like regular court. Also, keep an eye on your bank statements. What comes in , what goes out. Is he making stops at the grocery store and does it look like he's taking out $$? I'm saying this because by the time my divorce was final, I had saved $6k by doing this. I worked part-time and knew I needed a cushion.

There is also something called a Protection from Mental Abuse restraining order. He should not be able to just stop by if this is what he wants. There has to be some type of boundry now. Highly recommend them. It got my X out of the house. The courts here frown upon married men making out in the front yard of the house he lives in with his baby and wife.

I could go on but everyone here has said pretty much what I want to say, including opening up a giant can of whoop-@$$ on him.

We're all here if you need us, and feel free to PM anytime you need to.

 

[SnowWhite607]

LOL! I like the whoop a$$ comment! LOL!

Hope you;re doing better today Becca!

 

[LuccaDrake]

I've decided to try to do an inspirational quote each day. Many by a wise lady, Mrs. Eleanor Roosevelt. Hope it's not to corny for everyone! Here ya go:

A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

E. Roosevelt



~Beka~

 

[dreamer17555]

I've decided to try to do an inspirational quote each day. Many by a wise lady, Mrs. Eleanor Roosevelt. Hope it's not to corny for everyone! Here ya go:

A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

E. Roosevelt



~Beka~

Aww! I love that! He said he wanted to try therapy. I spend today making appointments. Oh yeah. He changed his mind. No therapy for him. I give up. He's on his own. I tried.

-Becca-

 

[VacationKicks]

Becca,
I was loving your TR and fell behind: just caught up. I can't believe all that you are going through! Just wanted to let you know that you and your children are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Northern Disney Girl]

HI Becca!

Just wanted to drop in and say Hey and that I haven't forgotten you! You are one amazing woman! Keep it up girl! You hold that chin high and don't let that dumb*** take advantage of you! You take care of yourself and those kids and some day down the road this will all be just a bad memory! Prayers and Hugs a plenty are being sent your way!

 

[creativeamanda]

Unfortunately, Becca, you will have to file in NC, although someone suggested filing in Texas after moving. The reason for this is you have to file in the state of legal residence, and it takes 6 months to establish residence in another statue. In Texas, you'd have to establish that residency first before filing. Texas does have no fault divorce, but my feeling is if you move, it's gonna go from no fault to a contested divorce on the grounds that you've moved. Either you file for legal separation now and get the go-ahead to move and wait the 12 months or you try to move to Texas to file and he roadblocks because of the kids.

I agree you have to document everything, change the locks, and request a restraining order. You can petition the court that he not get visitation rights until he has a place of residence. It's time to fight back and not be a nice person. He made his choice and needs to live with the consquences.

 

[ENSOCK]

I've decided to try to do an inspirational quote each day. Many by a wise lady, Mrs. Eleanor Roosevelt. Hope it's not to corny for everyone! Here ya go:

A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

E. Roosevelt



~Beka~

love it!

 

[AZMickeyfans]

Aww! I love that! He said he wanted to try therapy. I spend today making appointments. Oh yeah. He changed his mind. No therapy for him. I give up. He's on his own. I tried.

-Becca-

He just doesnt know what he wants does he? Counseling would have been good for you both. Its a terrible thing he is putting you through. I'm so sorry Becca. You and the kids deserve better. I'm still praying for you and your family.