The prodigal returns...

[minkydog]

...to pick up his sister. DS23 has been living with his GF in Florida ever since his Big Tantrum in August when he stormed out of the house. He was tired of us telling him what to do and he disagreed with our rules (keep your room clean, do your laundry, pay rent, get a job.) He is still "punishing" us by not returning calls, texts, or emails. He keeps in touch with his sister, DD16. He
and his GF are up this week to attend DDs show choir performances next week. DD asked her dad if she could go bowling with DS. Of course, she can. I don't want her to think she can't have an ongoing relationship with brother. They are very close.

So he just picked her up and she ran out to the car. He refused to come in. I sent word through DD that we would like to take them out for Pizza while theyre here, but I don't hold out a lot of hope. I know we did the right thing and we didn't throw him out; he left in a huff on his own accord.

I just feel sad

 

[johnsontrio]

to all of you...

I know it's tough but I truly believe that if you must sacrifice a good personal relationship with your child in order to help them become a contributing, decent human being, then you do what you have to do. I hope that it won't be long before he comes back into the fold more mature and thankful for the sacrifices you guys have made for him.

Hang in there...

 

[Epcot luvr]

...to pick up his sister. DS23 has been living with his GF in Florida ever since his Big Tantrum in August when he stormed out of the house. He was tired of us telling him what to do and he disagreed with our rules (keep your room clean, do your laundry, pay rent, get a job.) He is still "punishing" us by not returning calls, texts, or emails. He keeps in touch with his sister, DD16. He
and his GF are up this week to attend DDs show choir performances next week. DD asked her dad if she could go bowling with DS. Of course, she can. I don't want her to think she can't have an ongoing relationship with brother. They are very close.

So he just picked her up and she ran out to the car. He refused to come in. I sent word through DD that we would like to take them out for Pizza while theyre here, but I don't hold out a lot of hope. I know we did the right thing and we didn't throw him out; he left in a huff on his own accord.I just feel sad

Life is too short, my friend was shot and killed 2 weeks ago tomorrow, at 1pm at his job . He and his mother had not talked for quite some time, 2 people both knowing they did the right thing. Just say you are sorry and move on. Good luck.

 

[Tiggeroo]

You are doing the right thing. This has been the year of cracking down on my twin 21yo sons. They aren't wild, just stupid and it is time to start making more mature choices in their lives. I would rather them be cold and living on ramen for a little while now then be homeless or unable to feed their children in 15 years.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Life is too short, my friend was shot and killed 2 weeks ago tomorrow, at 1pm at his job . He and his mother had not talked for quite some time, 2 people both knowing they did the right thing. Just say you are sorry and move on. Good luck.

She is not cutting off her son. She offered to take them out to dinner. She has just refused to provide food and housing to a grown man who is making poor choices. She's being a good mom.

 

[wdwfan16]

...to pick up his sister. DS23 has been living with his GF in Florida ever since his Big Tantrum in August when he stormed out of the house. He was tired of us telling him what to do and he disagreed with our rules (keep your room clean, do your laundry, pay rent, get a job.) He is still "punishing" us by not returning calls, texts, or emails. He keeps in touch with his sister, DD16. He
and his GF are up this week to attend DDs show choir performances next week. DD asked her dad if she could go bowling with DS. Of course, she can. I don't want her to think she can't have an ongoing relationship with brother. They are very close.

So he just picked her up and she ran out to the car. He refused to come in. I sent word through DD that we would like to take them out for Pizza while theyre here, but I don't hold out a lot of hope. I know we did the right thing and we didn't throw him out; he left in a huff on his own accord.

I just feel sad

You should not be sending messages between you and DS via DD. You should have walked out to the car with her and asked DS if he and his GF would like to join you for pizza.

 

[Tiggeroo]

You should not be sending messages between you and DS via DD. You should have walked out to the car with her and asked DS if he and his GF would like to join you for pizza.

That is a good point. Your dd is probably pretty upset about this already. You don't want to put her in the middle.

 

[Epcot luvr]

She is not cutting off her son. She offered to take them out to dinner. She has just refused to provide food and housing to a grown man who is making poor choices. She's being a good mom.

Like I said just say your sorry and move on. This is her side, he has his side leaves one side left the truth. Life is too short, saying you are sorry takes 2 seconds move on from there.

 

[Mickey Fliers]

Wow! You do your best to be a good mom. You still question every move you make. Then, along come all the perfect Disers to fully confirm how much you have screwed up.

Awesome.

 

[Tiggeroo]

No criticism from me. It's tough to raise young men. I think it's a maturity thing and for some it takes a bit longer and more hard knocks then others. I think the PP who criticized is not really thing, just grieving a sad loss. A 23yo who is living at home needs to go with whatever the house rules are. You can tell him you love him, hug him, tell him if he wants to get it together and go with the rules he's welcome to come home but I don't see any reason to apologize for being a mom.

 

[disykat]

Like I said just say your sorry and move on.

Do you think she should invite him back to live at "home," pay his bills, and take care of him(cleaning etc.)? If not, what is she apologizing for?

While I agree that she should make an effort to stay in communication with him (nothing here has said she hasn't), and she can certainly let him know she's sorry it has come to this because she loves him, but I can't see how apologizing for wanting him to be an adult is productive.

 

[NC State]

No criticism from me. It's tough to raise young men. I think it's a maturity thing and for some it takes a bit longer and more hard knocks then others. I think the PP who criticized is not really thing, just grieving a sad loss. A 23yo who is living at home needs to go with whatever the house rules are. You can tell him you love him, hug him, tell him if he wants to get it together and go with the rules he's welcome to come home but I don't see any reason to apologize for being a mom.

I agree with you on this. He's a man at 23 if she doesn't have him to face it now what will he be like at 30, 40 and 50?

 

[disney1990]

 

[minkydog]

No criticism from me. It's tough to raise young men. I think it's a maturity thing and for some it takes a bit longer and more hard knocks then others. I think the PP who criticized is not really thing, just grieving a sad loss. A 23yo who is living at home needs to go with whatever the house rules are. You can tell him you love him, hug him, tell him if he wants to get it together and go with the rules he's welcome to come home but I don't see any reason to apologize for being a mom.

I agree. I love my son very much and I am very grieved that this relationship has broken down. I have tried several times to extend the peace pipe but he is having none of it.

Wow! You do your best to be a good mom. You still question every move you make. Then, along come all the perfect Disers to fully confirm how much you have screwed up.

Awesome.

Yeah, i can always count on the DIS to keep my humble. Good thing I've got a thick skin.

Like I said just say your sorry and move on. This is her side, he has his side leaves one side left the truth. Life is too short, saying you are sorry takes 2 seconds move on from there.

I wish it were that easy. I have apologized, invited him to dinner, invited him to family events, sent Care boxes, sent money. He will not acknowlege any of it. The reason I didn't run out to the car is that I didn't want to cause a scene--this is the first time he has seen his little sister in about 2 months and I didn't want to ruin it for her.

I agree with the poster(maybe it was you?) who said not to send messages through DD16. It does put an unfair burden on her. But in fairness to me, I've tried every other method short of throwing myself in front of his car. Sometimes there are important things he needs to know about. The only phone calls he takes are from DD. Therefore we sometimes have to relay messages through her.

I take courage from the fact that both of my brother's kids did the same thing--left home in a snit and dropped off the face of the earth (until they needed money, that is.) DBro is NOT an easy man to live with(alcoholic) but both the kids are back in his life. Just not in his house.

 

[Tiggeroo]

This really sounds like a maturity thing. The not answering phones, realaying things through dd, etc. Sometimes we know we need to cut the cord but we love home and family and comfort. The easier way to do it is by leaving in a snit. Later things calm down and it is like it never happened. I have two 21yo sons who are making me nuts. One just moved out. If he wants to come back, which he can, he has to pay his bills, go to school or be pursuing a trade or other serious career path and begin saving money for his future. Those are the house rules if you are over 18. Even then it's not forever. It's because you have some specificic goals in mind.

 

[Wishing on a star]

No criticism here!
Being a parent is not always easy, or simple.

I did just want to say one thing about the situation re: DD....

.... I agree with the poster(maybe it was you?) who said not to send messages through DD16. It does put an unfair burden on her. But in fairness to me, I've tried every other method short of throwing myself in front of his car. Sometimes there are important things he needs to know about. The only phone calls he takes are from DD. Therefore we sometimes have to relay messages through her.

If you agree, (and I am sure that in principle you do!) then, really, simply do not do this.... You should not do this even with important things... The 'important' things are ESPECIALLY the things that you do not want to have to involve your 16 year old daughter with.

It is just not fair to her.

She should, in no way, be a vessel or a tool in your relationship problems with your son.
You really do not want to set up a situation where she is bound to get caught up in the crossfire.
I would advise your daughter that if he is to ever ask anything specific about mom and dad, that she should only say "They love you, bro.... You know, if you want to know anything or ask anything, then you really need to talk with them."

You say that he won't take your calls... does he not have text or voicemail on his cellphone???
You should relay any information or invitations directly to him, as if your DD didn't exist as an option.
If he chooses to respond, or not, is his personal choice.
If he blocks your numbers... again, his choice.

And, remember, as long as he knows that you are there, communicating anything he may need to know, thru his sister, that just enables him further in his quest to disconnect himself from you "punish you". If he wants to have any communication with you, at all, then it needs to be communication with YOU, period.

I am sorry that you are hurting over this.

Maybe this is one of the times where you should keep chanting "This, too, shall pass.... This, too, shall pass...."

 

[minkydog]

If you agree, (and I am sure that in principle you do!) then, really, simply do not do this.... You should not do this even with important things... The 'important' things are ESPECIALLY the things that you do not want to have to involve your 16 year old daughter with.

It is just not fair to her.

She should, in no way, be a vessel or a tool in your relationship problems with your son.
You really do not want to set up a situation where she is bound to get caught up in the crossfire.
I would advise your daughter that if he is to ever ask anything specific about mom and dad, that she should only say "They love you, bro.... You know, if you want to know anything or ask anything, then you really need to talk with them."

You say that he won't take your calls... does he not have text or voicemail on his cellphone???
You should relay any information or invitations directly to him, as if your DD didn't exist as an option.
If he chooses to respond, or not, is his personal choice.
If he blocks your numbers... again, his choice.

And, remember, as long as he knows that you are there, communicating anything he may need to know, thru his sister, that just enables him further in his quest to disconnect himself from you "punish you". If he wants to have any communication with you, at all, then it needs to be communication with YOU, period.

I am sorry that you are hurting over this.

Maybe this is one of the times where you should keep chanting "This, too, shall pass.... This, too, shall pass...."

You are absolutely right. I hadn't really thought of it that way, but you're right. By using her as a go-between we are perpetuating this silly, juvenile estrangement. He has voicemail, email and texting. I suspect he has either blocked our numbers or is just ignoring them.As they say, he knows where we live. I will definitely not ask DD to transmit messages to him, other than "We love you."

 

[Tuffcookie]

minkydog,



I hope you and your DS can resolve your differences.

TC

 

[luvmarypoppins]

Sending you a hug Minky. You are doing the right thing. Also you shouldnt feel bad as you have your hands full with christian too.

 

[Rora]

OP- I just wanted to send hugs your way.