The Myth of the Perfect Mother

[lulu71]

I read this article earlier today and it's really got me thinking about the whole "supermom" phenomenon.

I plan to give up my career and stay at home once I have this baby. I can see myself getting caught up in the whole supermom thing, since it seems hard to put on the brakes from running a tight ship at the office and all that goes with that...planning, being super-organized, managing time schedules, etc. Same thing applies to my volunteer commitments, which have tended to be leadership roles. When my full-time job becomes that of mother, I can see how it would be hard not to run home life the same way. After all, these skills that I've developed and honed over the last 11 years are what I'm used to. I think it's going to be a real challenge to not get caught up in all of that with a child.

 

[Teejay32]

Second reading, because I can't have this right...the author wants us to feel badly that some moms dedicate their whole selves, to the point of illness, to everything from after-school activities to party favors. If so, this is not SAHM vs. WOHM at all - it's people of all kinds who just can't tolerate "average."

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Second reading, because I can't have this right...the author wants us to feel badly that some moms dedicate their whole selves, to the point of illness, to everything from after-school activities to party favors. If so, this is not SAHM vs. WOHM at all - it's people of all kinds who just can't tolerate "average."

I didn't read it as SAHm vs. WOHM. I read it like you did, Mom's who over schedule, have to compete with the Jones's and are totally stressed out. They do it to themselves which is why I don't get it.

 

[bsnyder]

I read this article earlier today and it's really got me thinking about the whole "supermom" phenomenon.

I plan to give up my career and stay at home once I have this baby. I can see myself getting caught up in the whole supermom thing, since it seems hard to put on the brakes from running a tight ship at the office and all that goes with that...planning, being super-organized, managing time schedules, etc. Same thing applies to my volunteer commitments, which have tended to be leadership roles. When my full-time job becomes that of mother, I can see how it would be hard not to run home life the same way. After all, these skills that I've developed and honed over the last 11 years are what I'm used to. I think it's going to be a real challenge to not get caught up in all of that with a child.

I commend you for recognizing the potential for this pitfall in the future. I've long thought that the "supermom" phenomena was rooted in the fact that the current generation of women has been able to compete in the workplace (and prior to that, in school) on an equal footing with the men and achieve enormous things. It's pretty hard for many to turn off that drive after years and years of it, and not pour that energy into being "supermom".

 

[becka]

I commend you for recognizing the potential for this pitfall in the future. I've long thought that the "supermom" phenomena was rooted in the fact that the current generation of women has been able to compete in the workplace (and prior to that, in school) on an equal footing with the men and achieve enormous things. It's pretty hard for many to turn off that drive after years and years of it, and not pour that energy into being "supermom".

I think bsyyder hit on what I got out of the article. I guess I just grew up in an environment where I expected to have it all and having it all was always painted as a possibility - heck it was almost a given. My Mom was a SAHM and I don't think she wanted that for her girls. She wanted (and expected) us to "have it all". I competed with the boys and ended up succeeding in a male-dominated field so my drive to always be the best is pretty drilled into me. I don't like giving only part of myself to something and I don't like to fail so it causes me issues personally as a Mom who works full-time. Most days I feel like I am not completely successful at my job or as a Mom. It is something I didn't expect to feel when I pictured my life at 29.

Heck, there are so many days when I almost wish that I didn't have these choices and that things could be like they were 50 years ago. Then I wouldn't have guilt over making the "wrong" decision.

 

[ktink]

My mom was a SAHM and from that I knew I wanted to have a career. However when my children were born I was able to work part time until they were 2. (DD8 and DD3) I went back to part time with DD#2. And after that I decided I have a wonderful friend who keeps my youngest and I work at a bank, therefore I have the infamous, "bankers hours" and I think we have an equal balance. I commend SAHM because to me I feel that is harder than working outside the home. You are never off the clock. I feel when I go to work I'm able to be on break so to speak. I love my job but I love my children more and with the balance we have we all get what we want. They have friends to play with, and I do too. My job also allows me to be home when I need to, like this week for example DD3 has strep, stomach virus, ear infection, and bronchitis. It really helps to have an employer that understands the importance of motherhood.

 

[Kallison]

Economic burden is often created by everyone trying to keep up with everyone else, not living within their means, wanting a mcmansion, perfectly decorated, new mini-van, etc.

 

[bsnyder]

I think bsyyder hit on what I got out of the article. I guess I just grew up in an environment where I expected to have it all and having it all was always painted as a possibility - heck it was almost a given. My Mom was a SAHM and I don't think she wanted that for her girls. She wanted (and expected) us to "have it all". I competed with the boys and ended up succeeding in a male-dominated field so my drive to always be the best is pretty drilled into me. I don't like giving only part of myself to something and I don't like to fail so it causes me issues personally as a Mom who works full-time. Most days I feel like I am not completely successful at my job or as a Mom. It is something I didn't expect to feel when I pictured my life at 29.

Heck, there are so many days when I almost wish that I didn't have these choices and that things could be like they were 50 years ago. Then I wouldn't have guilt over making the "wrong" decision.

Becka, I bet you do a lot better at both jobs than you give yourself credit for. Give up that guilt!

I was mainly recognizing the potential for the SAHM to go completely overboard and channel all the energy that used to be used competing in college or the workplace into competing with other moms (or with their own idealized version of "supermom"). I see a lot of kids these days who could do with some "benign neglect".

I was a full time working mom for a long time (and a single mom for part of that time), and was pretty oblivious to it all - way too busy just keeping my head above water to take it all in, but I've been part-time for 2 years now, and it just blows my mind how "serious" some of the moms are about every little thing.

 

[poohandwendy]

I think the article perfectly illustrated the new pop-culture idea that everything we do must take tons of thought, research and decision making ...or it isn't worthwhile and you aren't trying hard enough. It's a new martyrdom stemmed from the guilt-ridden parenting syndrome of today. If you don't feel guilty, you must not be doing enough. If you feel guilty, you should compensate in some way. We take what should be considered the most wonderful and rewarding part of our lives and turn it into a complicated obstacle.

It is so bizarre to me. Everywhere I turn, I overhear conversations of mothers who talk nonstop of all of the things they HAVE to do, partly beaming with self importance, partly complaining that they are overwhelmed. Everyone is so tired all of the time. Everyone talks about 'me' time. 'Quality time'.

If you say you are perfectly happy with the way things are...you must be doing it wrong, boasting or just a simpleton.

No, it certainly doesn't describe everyone...but the funny thing is, the more people talk about how overwhelmed and busy they are, others are left scratching their heads...wondering, "Am I doing enough?''

Parenting should not take so much effort and thought. Or therapy. People act like it is a brand new phenomenon that is MUCH harder than anything our predecessors dealt with. LOL, women have been doing it since the beginning of time with just as many obstacles and just as much work to juggle. Sure, they may not have been PAID, but it still was a hard job. They just took it in stride and did what they needed to do, it was just expected to be hard work.

I am not making light of the decisions we are faced with. But I think we really need to put it all in perspective. We do what we need to do based on our own personal priorities and te family life we want. It shouldn't be a big drama. We allow our lives to become more complicated than they need to be, IMHO.

(btw, the use of 'we' in the most general sense, not aimed at anyone in particular)

 

[swilphil]

I am not making light of the decisions we are faced with. But I think we really need to put it all in perspective. We do what we need to do based on our own personal priorities and te family life we want. It shouldn't be a big drama. We allow our lives to become more complicated than they need to be, IMHO.

I totally agree. The problem I have is with the judgmental moms who try to tell me what to do with my own kids. It seems like there's this push to have cookie cutter kids who all behave and develop exactly the same. I've had moms giving me advice on sleeping, potty training, giving up the pacifier, discipline, etc. Every kid and every mom is different. I think we live in a society where everything is follow these 6 steps to perfection. Life just isn't that simple.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If you say you are perfectly happy with the way things are...you must be doing it wrong, boasting or just a simpleton.

A-freakin'men! I am a SAHM and I do it for reasons I know are important to my family. (my dd was a handful)
Guys at dh's work cannot fathom why I am not working. Women on my court bug me too. Afterall the kids are in school now so I should be "working".

My older dd starts high school next year and then she will be gone. I will not regret staying home for 1 minute. She has blossomed into a self-motivated and great, funny kid.

Bottom line....I do plan to "have it all". Just "not all at once"....

 

[lulu71]

I think the article perfectly illustrated the new pop-culture idea that everything we do must take tons of thought, research and decision making ...or it isn't worthwhile and you aren't trying hard enough. It's a new martyrdom stemmed from the guilt-ridden parenting syndrome of today. If you don't feel guilty, you must not be doing enough. If you feel guilty, you should compensate in some way. We take what should be considered the most wonderful and rewarding part of our lives and turn it into a complicated obstacle.

It is so bizarre to me. Everywhere I turn, I overhear conversations of mothers who talk nonstop of all of the things they HAVE to do, partly beaming with self importance, partly complaining that they are overwhelmed. Everyone is so tired all of the time. Everyone talks about 'me' time. 'Quality time'.

If you say you are perfectly happy with the way things are...you must be doing it wrong, boasting or just a simpleton.

No, it certainly doesn't describe everyone...but the funny thing is, the more people talk about how overwhelmed and busy they are, others are left scratching their heads...wondering, "Am I doing enough?''

Parenting should not take so much effort and thought. Or therapy. People act like it is a brand new phenomenon that is MUCH harder than anything our predecessors dealt with. LOL, women have been doing it since the beginning of time with just as many obstacles and just as much work to juggle. Sure, they may not have been PAID, but it still was a hard job. They just took it in stride and did what they needed to do, it was just expected to be hard work.

I am not making light of the decisions we are faced with. But I think we really need to put it all in perspective. We do what we need to do based on our own personal priorities and te family life we want. It shouldn't be a big drama. We allow our lives to become more complicated than they need to be, IMHO.

(btw, the use of 'we' in the most general sense, not aimed at anyone in particular)

So very true!

In one sense, I strive to be a "70's" mom, when all the structure and micro-managing of children's lives wasn't the norm. That was the way I was raised. But the fact that I am even giving all this thought to the whole issue is a sign of how much things have changed.

I hear so much of this from women in an organization I'm a member of, which happens to be a group which has traditionally been made up of women who don't work outside of the home (but this has changed dramatically over the years). It's the new peer pressure! I also live in a city where education choices are complicated, public schools are beyond bad, private schools are ridiculously expensive and the ones that are affordable are mediocre with the exception of a few which are super competitive, so all of these supplemental educational activities which can make us crazy are almost necessary. My point is, the balance is tricky.

 

[snoopy]

Well put! I grew up in the 70's with a mom that worked full time, (unlike the TV stereotypes of the day), and I turned out just fine, WITHOUT therapy. Mom had time for us, time for her, and time for work. We understood that, and were fine with it, as we had never known it any other way. I have raised my kids the same way, and I must say, at age 11 & (almost)8, so far, so good. It wasn't always easy, and was sometimes hectic, however, life gets that way no matter who we are or what we do.

In fact, when we moved 2 years ago, I spent 6 weeks at home with them while between jobs... they couldn't WAIT for me to return to work so that things could be 'normal' again.

A great way to instill a good work ethic in your children is to have a positive attitude about your work... be it 'work' at home, or at the office. They learn the most from us, so lets be sure to teach them something that will benefit them!!

Beautifully said! Whatever it is that you do - SAHM, working away from the home - do it well and embrace it fully, your kids will follow suit.

Now I need to go read the article.

 

[snoopy]

I commend you for recognizing the potential for this pitfall in the future. I've long thought that the "supermom" phenomena was rooted in the fact that the current generation of women has been able to compete in the workplace (and prior to that, in school) on an equal footing with the men and achieve enormous things. It's pretty hard for many to turn off that drive after years and years of it, and not pour that energy into being "supermom".

Oh yeah, those would be those who micro manage their children's lives down to the most minute detail. The uber-Moms. No thanks. The chicks need to learn the fine art of survival without Mother Hen.

O.K., really, I'll read the article now. Which is of particular interest to me right at this moment since I'm at work but leaving in an hour to go relieve my husband who is now at the house taking care of our sick son. I'm always juggling, but it makes life interesting, and I'm fortunate that I've always had jobs that understood my children come before anything and everything.

 

[cheyita]

Bottom line....I do plan to "have it all". Just "not all at once"....

Oh, a woman after my own heart. I'm still trying to decide what I'll do "when I grow up." I love being a SAHM now, and I know I have potential for a meaningful career (I'm considering nursing), but for now it will wait until my children are older. I'm fulfilling this part of my womanhood now, and I will fulfill that part later.

(To cover my bases: I'm not at all saying this to voice anything negative toward moms who work.)

 

[Kermit]

If you say you are perfectly happy with the way things are...you must be doing it wrong, boasting or just a simpleton.

You made some excellent points. I agree completely. I have so many friends who have to carefully think out every action every day, and it wears them out. They start with baby massage classes, then play groups for 3 months old, and it just never stops. I'll admit that I do research some things, but I start with the most important things, like nutrition and education. And I throw out the things that don't make sense intuitively, like the nutrition experts who say you need prepackaged, over-processed foods and the education experts who say you have to start in the womb. I'm not going to waste my time even considering something that doesn't make sense to me. There is a lot of information out there, but listening to your heart will help you sift through most of it. And it will prevent the overstressed, busy lives that so many women live themselves and pass on to their children.

We're not busy people at this house. Yes, occassionally I do have too much going on at once, but it's not a lifestyle. I think it's a little easier right now since my kids are young, but I pray that God will give me the discernment needed when they're older and we're faced with the opportunities to do a million things. I have no doubt that scouts, violin lessons, basketball, and church activities are all good for children, but when you do them all at once, it's just too much, and the benefits rapidly decrease.

 

[lulu71]

I have no doubt that scouts, violin lessons, basketball, and church activities are all good for children, but when you do them all at once, it's just too much, and the benefits rapidly decrease.

You perfectly summed up what I meant by balance, maybe not so tricky after all.

And your point about listening to intuition, also so true. Some of the ads in these pregnancy magazines I read at the doctors office are a joke. I really can't see how a in utero reading education program could really make my child an accelerated reader. It just seems silly.

 

[chrissyk]

Bottom line....I do plan to "have it all". Just "not all at once"....

My mother has given me the exact same advice lots of times. She tried to "have it all" all at the same time, and it did NOT work out very well. She worked full-time, did her 2nd masters part-time (weekends), had 2 houses, 2 kids, etc. I missed my mom during all of those years. We didn't really have any downtime to spend together. My sister and I were so busy with school, too...I think that my family didn't have much time to just gel as a family. I definitely don't want that for my own kids. Also, in my case at least, my mother might as well have been a single parent for all that my dad did to help out. I wonder how many of those uber-moms in the article are in the same boat as my mom was husband-wise, and how much that contributes to their need to do it all (and do it all perfectly).

Honestly, I don't think that I'll be a SAHM (or, at least, not for very long). My DH will probably do the bulk of the staying home, while I get to go back to work This situation works for both of us personality-wise. I WOULD be the micro-managing mommy if I were a full-time SAHM, LOL! This is a big reason that DH and I want to be older parents. He'll be ready to leave his career in a few years, and I'm finally getting ready to go back and become a math teacher like I've always dreamed of. We definitely couldn't have afforded to be a teacher and a SAHD when we were younger. If we'd had kids in our 20's, our lives would have been as crazy as the lives of the people in that article. Everyone is different, but for us we knew that we didn't want the crazy life once we had kids.

 

[eleanor]

As someone who had children in the days when no one told you that you must have it all, I made a decision to have children and that would be my "job". To raise them to the best of my ab ility. ( DH also helped of course). There were also lots of women doing the same thing so that made it easier. Kids were allowed to be kids and play and hang out, Advertising wasn't aimed at kids like it is today. There is more stress but you don't have to accept it. Just do the best you can and ignore outside opinions . I have found that the people who know how to raise kids the best dont have any.

 

[MsLeFever]

Oh yeah, those would be those who micro manage their children's lives down to the most minute detail. The uber-Moms. No thanks. The chicks need to learn the fine art of survival without Mother Hen.
QUOTE]

And then they send them to college where they can barely tie their own shoelaces. I have collegues who have had college students call their moms during class to complain about a grade and then try to hand their cell phone to the professor so that the parent can intervene. I have had many parents calling to find out why "Johnny" isn't passing the class. (At most colleges, if the student is over 18 the teacher isn't allowed to discuss grades with a parent) I always say that "Johnny" knows very well why he isn't passing.

I had a parent pull me aside to discuss where her son should apply to graduate school! And not just to talk about it - but to plan it with me! I just wanted to say "Lady, if he can't apply to grad school himself then he shouldn't go."

I had a student almost not graduate this May because after we would figure out his schedule he would change it after consulting with his mom - who didn't really understand what he needed to take!

I would think that we all want to parent kids that can think for themselves.