the kiss and hug hello thing....

[Linnie The Pooh]

It's that season now where we go to parties and out to eat a lot encountering friends and family. I grew up in a very, very, well ok, odd family where we barely even hug each other. We never say we love each other b/c we all know we do and don't feel the need to say it. We're not demonstrative at all. But...I married into a family who is very huggy and kissy and I don't know how to respond.

When my kids were little, I used to preoccupy myself with them during greetings and while people were hugging and kissing it up, I'd kind of wave at people like I was --wanting to hug them but couldn't leave the baby without a diaper right now--type thing. Well, kids are older and I"m a social idiot. (still) The community I grew up in-a head nod was a warm greeting.

It's so awkward for me to hug and kiss. I prefer a smile and nice hello. When someone hugs me, I always find myself patting their backs like I do my children or when they kiss my cheek, I kiss theirs back and am met with what I think are confused stares!! Am I supposed to kiss their cheek? Even when I air kiss it, they look at me weird. Which one is correct??? Air or actual kiss??

I love to hug my own kids and my nephews too. But with adults, it's very awkward. Is anyone else like this or have any advice???

I keep thinking of a time at a fancy restaurant when the maitre de (sp) came at me and I didn't know what to do so I went to shake his hand and he moved past that so I thought he was going to kiss me and I turned my head and he said, "Hug." So awkward that someone has to tell me that!!

 

[2BigKIdz]

I came from the same type family, we never hugged or had physical contact for the most part and never said "I love you". My husband and his family are the complete opposite, they are very touchy feely. It took me a long while to get used to my husband (bf at the time) always wanting to hold hands or hug etc. His family have all accepted that I am uncomfortable with the hugging stuff so while they are all hugging, I just say goodbye. As to the kissing of the cheek part, if they feel the need to do that I don't think you need to kiss theirs in return, the hug should be sufficient.

(Something my aunt said to me I have never forgotten, when I was around 11 yrs old, my cousin moved back into our house with his wife and their little shihtzu (sp?) Tank. I was crazy about that little dog. He and I were on the floor playing and I picked him up and said "I love you Tank". My aunt looked at me and said "I envy you that". I was confused, and asked what she envied. She said she envied that I felt comfortable telling the dog I loved him and that she wished she could feel comfortable using those 3 words. That aunt and my husband are the only people I have ever felt comfortable saying those words to ( I say it to my animals all the time though), it just wasn't the way of our family.)

 

[JESW]

My brother married a girl in her 30's who is a big hugger and kisser and our family is not! Well, I always hug & kiss my Mom & Dad but I don't for my sister, BIL, nieces & nephews (they are adults), etc. She hugs hello AND goodbye. Some of us have taken to staying back when she starts going around to people....I think she understands a bit now.

It is hard to tell her as she is one of those people who really compares families and according to her our side always comes out behind hers...

Jill

 

[slo]

My immediate family on both my side and my DH's side like to hug each other when we greet each other on holidays. For the non-immediate family members, I like to occupy myself also so I don't have to hug them.

When my DH first joined his Fire Dept and we went to the FD X-Mas party, the wife of a member came up to me and kissed me right on the lips . I had no idea who she was It freaked me out like you wouldn't believe - I have now known this woman for 8 years and every year I always preoccupy myself so I don't have to kiss her again. She does this to everyone and it's just so weird!!!!

 

[NMAmy]

I come from a huggy/kissy family--we hug and kiss hello and goodbye and we tell each other "I love you." Even extended family--my niece's husband, my nephew's wife. Luckily, no one seems to have married in who doesn't do this as well so it's not a big deal. DH's family also hugs.

Now somehow, even though she grew up with all this, my younger sister just isn't comfortable with it. We always tease her because she sort of hugs people long distance--I don't even know how to explain this without doing it but it's like she keeps you at an arm's length while patting you on the back.

I'm sorry, OP, I don't really know what advice to give you. But if someone DID marry into our family who wasn't comfortable with hugging and kissing, I know that we wouldn't be offended. You asked about the kissing--if someone kisses you on the cheek, just accept it--there's no need to reciprocate really if you're not sure what to do. And be happy that they like you!

 

[Maleficent13]

Cough really loudly and wipe your nose with your cuff. I guarantee no one will hug or kiss you.

Seriously, I'm the same way...I'm not a huggy/kissy person either (except with DH and DD). But I let others hug me. I figure, it makes them happy, so I can tolerate it. I won't initiate it, however.

 

[CheshireVal]

I, too, hate it when adults that aren't family try to hug me. Even my best friends! I just am not all that touchy-feely with anyone who is not my DH. I hate it!

 

[va32h]

I don't think there is anything odd about not hugging everyone you know! I also come from a non-demonstrative family. We have a long-standing joke - worry if you get a hugged goodbye - it probably means we think we'll never see you again.

Anyway - my husband's family is very huggy, and I just told them flat out that it wasn't my style and they would have to get used to it. If that means they think I am standoffish or unfriendly, that's their problem. A hug given to someone you barely know or like isn't very sincere anyway.

And in the larger sense - people should not be expected to allow themselves to be touched/hugged/kissed by anyone who wants to touch/hug/kiss them. My children are not always willing to give hugs goodbye or goodnight kisses, and I never insist on it - even when they won't give a kiss to me. We are each entitled to our own body privacy.

When approached by a hugger, I politely step back and offer my hand. If they choose to get offended by that - again, it's their problem. You shouldn't make yourself physically uncomfortable because someone wants a hug.

I've been using gender-neutral terms here, but let's face it - men don't have this problem as much as women do. Women are conditioned to be accommodating, and not offend, even when it involves unwanted physical attention.

I never want my daughters to feel they have to let someone touch them.

 

[Linnie The Pooh]

When my DH first joined his Fire Dept and we went to the FD X-Mas party, the wife of a member came up to me and kissed me right on the lips . I had no idea who she was It freaked me out like you wouldn't believe - I have now known this woman for 8 years and every year I always preoccupy myself so I don't have to kiss her again. She does this to everyone and it's just so weird!!!!

That would freak me out too!! I've never had that happen!!

Another thing, I get bad breath a lot (from hormones) and I tend to back up when people get to close so I don't offend them with my oral odor. I've actually had DH's family ask him what's wrong with me-why do I do that. My SIL thought I was being "very rude." When DH told me that and didn't tell them why I do that, I finally did tell them I was trying to shield them from me.

I'm glad to hear I'm not alone with not being comfortable hugging people.

 

[mommaU4]

Count me in as one who is not a touchy feely person at all! The only person I am like that with is my DH and kids, no one else! Not even my mom who I am very close too.

I tense up when someone goes to hug me. I just don't like it. If they want a hug I'll tolerate it but you'll never find me being the one who initiates it.

 

[Living with the Land]

I have a very huggy family. I hate it and it has become the running family joke. When I leave family gatherings I tell my grandparents bye and my parents bye then I leave. This way nobody touches me and we don't have that awkward goodbye.

Holly

 

[disykat]

DH's family is still much huggier than mine. I also know some huggy people at church. This is going to offend some of the huggers out there, and I know it's not true for everyone, but I sometimes assume that huggier people (the ones that have to hug virtual strangers) are a bit needy and need the contact.

I've learned to deal with it, but I still absolutely refuse to hug my FIL. That man has tried very hard to break us up and frankly is the creepiest man I know. I simply step back and sometimes even say "no thank you". He's gotten the point and no longer tries. At 44, I'm not going to let anyone hug me that I seriously don't want to.

 

[Keli]

I'm a huggy person, as is most of my family. My dh's family pretty much is too. But we only hug those that we feel close to or that we know are comfortable with it. Except kids, they all get a hug and kiss as long as they'll tolorate it, lol. I guess we're lucky but all of my nieces and nephews will let everyone in the family hug them but nearly all of them start refusing kisses on the cheek by the time they are 3 or so.

I have a BIL who dispite coming from a huggy family and being a very warm and nice person but is uncomfortable with hugging (except his wife and sons). We all know Greg won't appreciate a hug so no one gives him one. He just gets smiles and waves goodbye.

 

[Marseeya]

to all us non-huggers!



Just kidding!

I am with the rest of you. Most people I know just accept me for who I am, and then for some reason that acceptance makes me more inclined to be more demonstrative with them. Strange, but that's just the way it is.

 

[nativetxn]

My family is very "huggy/kissy" and so is my husband's. The last thing we will say at the end of a telephone conversation is "I love you." We never know if we will see that person again.

My DIL did not come from a "huggy/kissy" family but she is adapting well and it doesn't seem to bother her. In fact, she seems to enjoy it.

If I met any of you in person, I would probably try to hug you. As a matter of fact, Amy and I shared a hug the day we had lunch. So, forgive me if I'm too forward. Just chalk it up to my advanced age and humor me

Katholyn

 

[NMAmy]

If I met any of you in person, I would probably try to hug you. As a matter of fact, Amy and I shared a hug the day we had lunch. So, forgive me if I'm too forward. Just chalk it up to my advanced age and humor me

Katholyn

That's because we're both huggy, Katholyn!

 

[PaulaSue]

Honestly I have no clue and feel the same way as OP. It is just not done in my family and I not a huggy person either. IT is hard enouught to get Dh to hold my hand in public. Bookmarking this to read other replies.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Italian here....oh yeah we hug and kiss...actually my husband side is Irish, they hug and kiss too. I guess it is how you are brought up. I certainly would never hug and kiss someone I just met, but I would never rebuff someone who I met at a Dis function etc...if they tried to hug me, I would not want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Katholyn hugged me the first time I met her, I hugged back.

 

[Lachesis00]

This could be me writing this!!

Drives my sister nuts I do not say "I love you" but I expect she would KNOW it after 29 years. I just cringe. And I do not like ppl in my space. Please do not hug or kiss me. It gives me the willies.

Count me in as one who is not a touchy feely person at all! The only person I am like that with is my DH and kids, no one else! Not even my mom who I am very close too.

I tense up when someone goes to hug me. I just don't like it. If they want a hug I'll tolerate it but you'll never find me being the one who initiates it.

 

[Sleepy]

Italian here.... I certainly would never hug and kiss someone I just met

It is Italian custom to NOT hug and kiss someone you have just met. However, after the first meeting, look out...it's hugs and kisses from then on.