The Great Debate...1 or 2?

[TarzansKat]

And Tarzanskat, my DH took a 60% pay cut when he left the navy in 1985 and I was home full time. We cut back and had DS (21) in 1986 and I still stayed home and we just watched our pennies. I will never ever regret having both or staying home with them. I think I would have regretted not having #2 and working while they were young. They really didnt' care that we didn't have a big house with a big back yard, but they did know that I was there to take them places and do things with them and volunteer in their classrooms every week. I went back to work pt when they were 12 and 14 in time to prepare for college payments. No, we didnt' save ahead for college because we didnt' have the money, but I dont' regret that either. When I went back to work, we didnt' have to pay for daycare and every penny I made was "extra".

Sometimes people just overthink every decision. If you want #2, and DH is fine with it, go for it.

Can I just say thank you so much for posting that! It so helps me to hear from someone who made that choice to stay home and does not regret it. I have a big fear of not being set for retirement after having watched my parents and DH's have tons of issues with it, and very little saved in some cases, so that's one of my big fears. If I could figure out a way to stay home and still save some, that would make me

 

[dreamer17555]

When I had DD (Now 6) I said I was done. She was a preemie and I have a heart condition and it was horrible and once she came home and I let myself fall head over heels in love with her I said I would not risk not being in her life by having another child (my pregnancy was life threatening and I spent three months in the hospital). I had my tubes tied.

And yet somehow I became that stupid tiny precental. My Ob told me I should think about terminating for my own health and I will tell you that it was a painful time in our home. I would look at my DD and cry because I was so afraid of something happening and not being there for her but since I knew how hard she had fought (she was born at 32 weeks) and how much she just wanted to live I knew I couldn't terminate.

A lot of people told me it was the wrong choice. DH was one of them. I knew he would love the child but he was so worried. And there were times where I doubted the choice myself. It was a horrible pregnancy. I spent 7 months in a hospital missing my DD and was told that the baby (a boy) was not growing (IUGR) I was told he would not make it but he did. He is now 1 and apart from being a little small is perfect. My DH and DD and myself are in love with him and I don't know how to explain it but we all just fit.

I believe somethings just happen for a reason. And life can never be planned. (That being said after my DS I had my tubes burned on top of already being tied- no more freak stats for me!)

-Becca-

 

[loco4dis]

I'm going to add my opinion without reading all the pages inbetween this one and the first.

I have two sons 18 months apart. I was never even sure I wanted to have one child but fell in love so hard during my early pregnancy that the second was just a natural progression. We both knew 2 was it for us. I can honestly say you will not have difficulty loving your children any more or less than the other. Actually, liking one or the other can be a challenge at times but love is never a problem.

If I were in your shoes, I would consider the state of the country right now. I would look at the unrest in the economy, government and even society. I would consider giving it 2 years to settle down. During that time I would consider either or both you or your husband seeking some additional training and see what kind of opportunities you can find. At the end of that time you will know if it is a good idea to bring another child into your family. It may be a year or two later than your original plan but sometimes a little space between siblings can be a very good thing...take it from me. Mine still dislike each other enough to fight a lot. I think having them at least 4 years apart is good as they don't have the same peer group and there is no issue of them being as competitive. JMHO.

I appreciate that this was simply your opinion, as is your perspective on "the state of the country right now." My perspective is that this is an awesome country in which to raise a child. In my humble opinion, a child born in this country is a child blessed. He/she has a wide open future unfettered by tyranny and oppression, something children in many other countries will never, ever have. The opportunities children in this country have to reach their highest potential is truly awe-inspiring. There are lots of reasons not to have more children, but the fact that they will be American children is not one of them, in my humble opinion.

 

[TarzansKat]

When I had DD (Now 6) I said I was done. She was a preemie and I have a heart condition and it was horrible and once she came home and I let myself fall head over heels in love with her I said I would not risk not being in her life by having another child (my pregnancy was life threatening and I spent three months in the hospital). I had my tubes tied.

And yet somehow I became that stupid tiny precental. My Ob told me I should think about terminating for my own health and I will tell you that it was a painful time in our home. I would look at my DD and cry because I was so afraid of something happening and not being there for her but since I knew how hard she had fought (she was born at 32 weeks) and how much she just wanted to live I knew I couldn't terminate.

A lot of people told me it was the wrong choice. DH was one of them. I knew he would love the child but he was so worried. And there were times where I doubted the choice myself. It was a horrible pregnancy. I spent 7 months in a hospital missing my DD and was told that the baby (a boy) was not growing (IUGR) I was told he would not make it but he did. He is now 1 and apart from being a little small is perfect. My DH and DD and myself are in love with him and I don't know how to explain it but we all just fit.

I believe somethings just happen for a reason. And life can never be planned. (That being said after my DS I had my tubes burned on top of already being tied- no more freak stats for me!)

-Becca-

Thank you for sharing your difficult, and rewarding experience. I hope a little will help you with the health issues, and that you are all doing well now!

 

[LisaNJ25]

Im not a good one to answer.. somehow I ended up with 4 kids

I don't think I could imagine what it would of been having only one.. than sometimes when my oldest is acting up I think about how I am 33 and in 3 years he could be out of the house and I could be kid free

I will add.. I love having a large age gap. Having the last 2 12 months apart has turned my hair grey.

 

[Family Fun Mom]

I'm always a little mystified by these types of conversations. If you wait and weigh every single pro and con to starting or adding to a family it would just never happen. The decision would be impossible because perfection does not exist. A certain degree of responsibility is needed; a good marriage, a decent job, a roof over your heads, ect. Other than that, if you want kids, have some. Then you make it work.

When we had our first we were young, dumb, and pretty poor (enlisted military, practically no pay, lol). But we made it work. She was the light of our lives from the second she arrived. So much so that we had another just over a year later. Still young, still dumb, and still poor, but it worked. We've been very happy. We thought we were done, but #3 surprised us four years later. Older, not so dumb, and solidly middle class, and we still made it work. Frankly, I didn't find it much different being older and more financially stable. I never thought of it that way. We just did what we had to do. It's life. You just roll with it and enjoy the ride.

I say stop worrying so much. And certainly don't plan your life around what negative family members have to say. If you have a loving marriage and you both have the ache for another baby then just go for it. It may not always be easy, but nothing worthwhile is easy. I don't see how you'd regret it.

Oh, and I've been a stay at home mom for nearly 11 years and have never regretted that decision either. Not for one single second. I take great pride in it. I can't imagine doing it any other way.

Good luck!

 

[Family Fun Mom]

When I had DD (Now 6) I said I was done. She was a preemie and I have a heart condition and it was horrible and once she came home and I let myself fall head over heels in love with her I said I would not risk not being in her life by having another child (my pregnancy was life threatening and I spent three months in the hospital). I had my tubes tied.

And yet somehow I became that stupid tiny precental. My Ob told me I should think about terminating for my own health and I will tell you that it was a painful time in our home. I would look at my DD and cry because I was so afraid of something happening and not being there for her but since I knew how hard she had fought (she was born at 32 weeks) and how much she just wanted to live I knew I couldn't terminate.

A lot of people told me it was the wrong choice. DH was one of them. I knew he would love the child but he was so worried. And there were times where I doubted the choice myself. It was a horrible pregnancy. I spent 7 months in a hospital missing my DD and was told that the baby (a boy) was not growing (IUGR) I was told he would not make it but he did. He is now 1 and apart from being a little small is perfect. My DH and DD and myself are in love with him and I don't know how to explain it but we all just fit.

I believe somethings just happen for a reason. And life can never be planned. (That being said after my DS I had my tubes burned on top of already being tied- no more freak stats for me!)

-Becca-

Wow. That is an amazing story with a wonderful ending. You must have incredible inner strength. I'm amazed.

 

[buzz5985]

I'm another one that didn't exactly choose to have an only child. That choice was taken from me. I had 4 miscarriages, one live birth. Two before and two after. I finally looked at DH and told him I just couldn't go through it again.

So before everyone makes the decision than onlies are spoiled rotten, etc. you don't know their history. The parents could just be grateful that the child is alive.

 

[LoveBWVVBR]

I'm always a little mystified by these types of conversations. If you wait and weigh every single pro and con to starting or adding to a family it would just never happen. The decision would be impossible because perfection does not exist. A certain degree of responsibility is needed; a good marriage, a decent job, a roof over your heads, ect. Other than that, if you want kids, have some. Then you make it work.

When we had our first we were young, dumb, and pretty poor (enlisted military, practically no pay, lol). But we made it work. She was the light of our lives from the second she arrived. So much so that we had another just over a year later. Still young, still dumb, and still poor, but it worked. We've been very happy. We thought we were done, but #3 surprised us four years later. Older, not so dumb, and solidly middle class, and we still made it work. Frankly, I didn't find it much different being older and more financially stable. I never thought of it that way. We just did what we had to do. It's life. You just roll with it and enjoy the ride.

I say stop worrying so much. And certainly don't plan your life around what negative family members have to say. If you have a loving marriage and you both have the ache for another baby then just go for it. It may not always be easy, but nothing worthwhile is easy. I don't see how you'd regret it.

Oh, and I've been a stay at home mom for nearly 11 years and have never regretted that decision either. Not for one single second. I take great pride in it. I can't imagine doing it any other way.

Good luck!

The OP is worried about not having health insurance for her family when she has to leave her job to have #2, though. That is a BIG deal, any way you slice it. It's not like trying to get by with less money. It could be the difference between bankrupting your family over an illness and remaining solvent. She is not worrying unnecessarily over that IMHO.

 

[budbeerlady]

I'm another one that didn't exactly choose to have an only child. That choice was taken from me. I had 4 miscarriages, one live birth. Two before and two after. I finally looked at DH and told him I just couldn't go through it again.

So before everyone makes the decision than onlies are spoiled rotten, etc. you don't know their history. The parents could just be grateful that the child is alive.

and

 

[bigdisneygroup]

I don't feel I can answer you in terms of what is right for you, but I can tell you that I have thirteen and wouldn't give one of them back. My DH and I had decided to allow God to decide how many we would have. That's been tough to stick with at times, we never expected this many. One thing you don't have to worry about is having enough love to go around for your child(ren), love doesn't divide, it multiplies. I love each one of mine as much as the one before. My best wishes to you in whatever decision you make. I know it must be a tough one.

 

[TarzansKat]

The OP is worried about not having health insurance for her family when she has to leave her job to have #2, though. That is a BIG deal, any way you slice it. It's not like trying to get by with less money. It could be the difference between bankrupting your family over an illness and remaining solvent. She is not worrying unnecessarily over that IMHO.

DH has been dropping hints at work in regard to the expense of things, health insurance, etc. This is what works best with his employers. It's a mom & pop style operation, but a franchise, so there are certain rules, but he's gotten more than the normal amount of raises since he's been working there, and they are very good to us. They treat our DS like a grandchild, and we know there DH has job security. Therefore, although he's not pulling down "the big bucks" we are glad he has a position that's stable. We'll have to see how that pans out.

Personally at this point, aside from whether or not we throw another baby into the mix, we are trying to figure out a way for me to stay home, and perhaps work a schedule opposite to DH's that way one of us is always home with DS. We still plan to send DS to preschool two days a week in the fall, but where I'd send him hinges on if I'm working. So lots of things going on. Mom and I had a bit of falling out yesterday...don't you love family holidays? I was mega stressed and feeling totally unsupported, and blurted out that I wanted to have another child and be able to stay at home and I didn't appreciate her telling me I wasn't capable. Ugh...I hate those kinds of fights. Today she informed me it was my life and she couldn't make those decisions for me. Well, we all do remember Thumper right? If you can't say something nice...

So this where we are now. DH and I know we would like to, but I am still of how to make it work financially. I know there have been many posters who said you figure it out, and to a certain extent that is true, but I am the type of gal who likes a plan, even if we don't end up sticking to it completely, at least you have a direction you know you can go in.