The Gift Card Exchange (family gift giving)

[Mermaid02]

DH finally got up the courage last year to tell his bros. and their wives he thought we should stop exchanging gifts (money has been tight for us the last couple of years) and just buy for each others children. Everyone agreed.... apparently reluctantly because Christmas morning both his bros gave dh a gift card. Obviously dh felt like crap because he had nothing for them.

Seriously, we are all in our 40's and don't "need" anything. For me just being together and watching the kids is the fun part.

I love gift cards, but it seemed to be all we were doing is exchanging gift cards.... does that seem silly to you? It did to my dh and myself. Anyway, dh has gone out to buy gift cards for the exchange.....

 

[Inigo]

It took years and years to convince my DH's family to just draw names instead of every family buying for every body. We couldn't do the just buy for the kids thing since our kids are the youngest, and the other grandkids are almost my age. (DH was a later-in-life baby, and he's 10 years older than I am. His brother and sister are old enough to be my parents.)

I convinced DH, as he was a little put out by the idea since he'd been buying for his nieces for years and years, and he said he didn't think it fair his kids wouldn't get as much in return. Once he was realized how much nicer it was, he agreed I was right.

We drew names for years, and it was great. For the last 4 years, his family wants to do Dirty Santa grab bag, but all the presents are supposed to be nice presents. I hate it. How can you buy a decent present when you're not buying for any specific person? No gift cards allowed and it's only $20. I feel like I'm just buying generic crap, which I am.

I always buy presents for the greats, but I dread shopping for the grab bag. My great nephews are 2 months and 5 years, and my great niece is 2. They're fun to buy for. Their mommies always buy something extra for our almost 19 year old DD since she was the youngest family member until 5 years ago, and it doubles as her January birthday present since they won't see her on her birthday.

 

[taximomfor4]

my family has an "adults" gift exchange. Each year, I call around and make sure of who wants "in" and who is not participating that year. We all have rough years!!

The only rules: you can't draw your own name or the name of someone who lives with you (adult child, spouse). Spending is $25-50. That's it.

I am THINKING of proposing a new rule, even though this drawing, with these rules, has been in existence since well before I was even born (I am 38). In this age of gift cards....

I will propose that when each person puts their name into the drawing, they write down THREE things they like (gift ideas) in the right price range. My cousin's other family does it that way and she suggested it since they love having that info as well.

Now, the reason we still do the drawing even though many of us take a year off here and there: we get busy with our lives. We don't get to know aunts, uncles, whatever as well as we could. Drawing Uncle So-and-So's name makes me call around and try to think of HIM enough to buy a gift. I can't speak for the rest of the family, but I nearly obsess in trying to please the recipient.

 

[SC Minnie]

We used to exchange gifts in my family until about 10 years ago. I suggested to my mom that we only buy for the kids- I have 1 and my brother has 3 so he was making out on the deal . Anyway, the first year my SIL and her parents bought gifts anyway. I didn't. Yes, it was awkward but it was stated again that we weren't going to exchange. The next year no one brought gifts for the adults and it was so much nicer.

IMO, in these cases you have to stand your ground. It may feel awkward but after a year or so the other parties will finally get it. And if $ is tight there is no need to go spend it when you've agreed not too.

 

[Mermaid02]

We used to exchange gifts in my family until about 10 years ago. I suggested to my mom that we only buy for the kids- I have 1 and my brother has 3 so he was making out on the deal . Anyway, the first year my SIL and her parents bought gifts anyway. I didn't. Yes, it was awkward but it was stated again that we weren't going to exchange. The next year no one brought gifts for the adults and it was so much nicer.

IMO, in these cases you have to stand your ground. It may feel awkward but after a year or so the other parties will finally get it. And if $ is tight there is no need to go spend it when you've agreed not too.

I agree with you, but my dh felt like such a jerk there's no way he will risk that again. I'm so glad I'm an only child.

 

[ericamanda01]

My DH has 5 brothers and sisters and they are all married with children, so Christmas was really expensive for us. A few years ago we finally went to a gift exchange among the adults. We each draw a name and that is the only person we buy for. The kids still get gifts from everyone. It's so nice not to have to spend so much.

 

[puffkin]

My family is just my single brother and parents, so we all exchange like normal. It is really the only presents my brother gets so I always get him a little extra since he buys for 3 people. I try not to buy gift cards unless he has something specific he wants to buy and it is out of my price range (like a few years ago he wanted a very expensive piece of gym equipment and I gave him money towards that).

DH's family we finally stopped giving gifts except to the kids. We have DS and there are two nieces. Once the oldest is out of high school we will have to all decide what a good cut off age will be. That way all the kids will have been bought for equally. I am thinking 21 will be a good age to cut off the kids. I know in my family, the cousins got cut off once they were out of high school. I was the oldest so the last 10 Christmas's I have had to watch my cousins get gifts and not me....but it is fine. I totally understand why now that I have nieces and my own family! My last cousin graduated in May and my mom was thrilled to not have to worry about any cousins this year.

 

[taximomfor4]

My family is just my single brother and parents, so we all exchange like normal. It is really the only presents my brother gets so I always get him a little extra since he buys for 3 people. I try not to buy gift cards unless he has something specific he wants to buy and it is out of my price range (like a few years ago he wanted a very expensive piece of gym equipment and I gave him money towards that).

DH's family we finally stopped giving gifts except to the kids. We have DS and there are two nieces. Once the oldest is out of high school we will have to all decide what a good cut off age will be. That way all the kids will have been bought for equally. I am thinking 21 will be a good age to cut off the kids. I know in my family, the cousins got cut off once they were out of high school. I was the oldest so the last 10 Christmas's I have had to watch my cousins get gifts and not me....but it is fine. I totally understand why now that I have nieces and my own family! My last cousin graduated in May and my mom was thrilled to not have to worry about any cousins this year.

For our family, kids join the adult gift-draw at 18. That way every single kid got 18 "Kid Christmases." We don't do the high school thing because the age varies quite a bit (my dd will graduate at 16, nephew graduated...GED...at 20). SOME of the kids decide to join the drawing early, and we allow it (2 joined by choice at 16).

 

[tzolkin]

We do not exchange gifts with the adults in the family, but I do give my parents gifts and something for my grandma (We exchange on Christmas Eve and that's her birthday).

My kids and I usually make various types of candy around Christmas. We always give a bag to each of my siblings/couples. I usually get something else inexpensive for the bag as well. Last year they were nice frames and this year they're all getting a digital photo clip.

Sometimes my siblings do something similar, sometimes they don't. But there's no issue since no one's buying individual gifts for each person.

A few years we did an ornament exchange. That was fun. Many were homemade/personalized.


I agree about the gift cards. It really just seems like you're swapping money around. If I give my sister a $50gc and expect that she's going to give me a $50gc in return, it would be much easier and cause less issues if we just kept our own money and didn't do an exchange.

 

[ICF]

I love gift cards, but it seemed to be all we were doing is exchanging gift cards.... does that seem silly to you? It did to my dh and myself. Anyway, dh has gone out to buy gift cards for the exchange.....

We stopped that last Christmas as well, for my brother & sister. There are now 6 nieces / nephews (we each have 2 kids)...so now we are buying for 4 extra kids and for the adults it really was nothing more than a gift card exchage. My brother and I usually just gave each other a Best Buy gift card for the same $$ amount so there really wasn't a need for it any longer.

 

[minkydog]

DH finally got up the courage last year to tell his bros. and their wives he thought we should stop exchanging gifts (money has been tight for us the last couple of years) and just buy for each others children. Everyone agreed.... apparently reluctantly because Christmas morning both his bros gave dh a gift card. Obviously dh felt like crap because he had nothing for them.

Seriously, we are all in our 40's and don't "need" anything. For me just being together and watching the kids is the fun part.

I love gift cards, but it seemed to be all we were doing is exchanging gift cards.... does that seem silly to you? It did to my dh and myself. Anyway, dh has gone out to buy gift cards for the exchange.....

I know what you mean. We are established enough that if we need something, we'll just go get it. I don't see the point of exchanging gift cards--"Ooooh, Home Depot! Just what I always wanted. Here's your Red Lobster."

Although we have had no luck convincing my SIL & BIL to stop the gifting, my siblings are on board. Instead of giving each other gifts, we adopt a child off the Angel Tree or give to the Red Cross or Heifer International, et al. We send each other Christmas cards and tell each other what they "got" for Christmas(a t-ball glove, smokin' hot red bat, size 0 jeans, crafts supplies, etc.) I would much MUCH rather my sisters help a child at Christmas than buy me another sweater, can of popcorn, or calendar.

If money is tight, perhaps you could make some Christmas cookies or Chex mix or fudge, if you can afford that. Wrap them up real pretty and voila! you have a low-cost, from the heart gift!

 

[minkydog]

My family is just my single brother and parents, so we all exchange like normal. It is really the only presents my brother gets so I always get him a little extra since he buys for 3 people. I try not to buy gift cards unless he has something specific he wants to buy and it is out of my price range (like a few years ago he wanted a very expensive piece of gym equipment and I gave him money towards that).

DH's family we finally stopped giving gifts except to the kids. We have DS and there are two nieces. Once the oldest is out of high school we will have to all decide what a good cut off age will be. That way all the kids will have been bought for equally. I am thinking 21 will be a good age to cut off the kids. I know in my family, the cousins got cut off once they were out of high school. I was the oldest so the last 10 Christmas's I have had to watch my cousins get gifts and not me....but it is fine. I totally understand why now that I have nieces and my own family! My last cousin graduated in May and my mom was thrilled to not have to worry about any cousins this year.

Even though we don't give gifts to each other, my sibs and I do provide presents for the minor children. My rule of thumb is Under 10=present, Over 10=ca$h. We all mutually decided a few years ago that once they're over 18 we don't sent gifts. I have one son, 23, and he no longer receives gifts from any of them. Last year my DNephew, then 21, was living with my mother and going to college. I didn't feel right about sending her a big ol' box and him nothing. So I took a beautiful ornament off my tree and sent him a little cash(<$20.) But this year, he has moved out, dropped out of college, and is living with a woman who has 4 kids by 3 daddies. Oy,he's 22! Nothing but coal for him this year(and a swift kick in the pants!)

 

[C.Ann]

I had something similar happen to me several years in a row.. Myself and another couple had agreed on no Christmas gifts.. Come Christmas, they handed me a gift.. I graciously accepted it - thanked them - and said nothing more.. Next year - the same thing.. I responded the same way.. Third year, ditto.. By the 4th year they finally realized that they weren't going to be able to "guilt" me into doing something we had agreed not to do and that was the end of that..

Time for your DH to stand his ground.. Besides, NO ONE should ever give a gift with the expectation of receiving one in return.. It's rude, tacky, and not what gift-giving is about..

Good luck!

 

[Becky2005]

That's my mom's thinking -- she always feels like it's the same thing as just changing money from one hand to the next.

Here -- let me take out a $20.00 and you take out a $20.00 and we will swap them. That's my mom's thinking on gifts in general for adults.

Now, kids it's different. We also make a point to get my DH's sister & DH something a bit more as they don't have kids. Here they buy for our 4 kids and we are buying for just them. I *always* tell them every single year to not get me anything because it's lopsided. They usually do hand me a gift certificate, although, really I wish they wouldn't.

We agreed a long time ago to not get gifts for the adults on my side but for some odd reason my parents still tend to give us some money. They had better not this year! My niece is getting married in the summer, my DD is in the wedding & my parents bought the bridesmaid dress. I told her that IF they were planning on getting us Christmas $ -- to just count the dress as the gift.

 

[kim929]

On my side of the family, we exchange names, it's a suprise nobody knows who the other has until after all the presents are opened. Rules are, can't be for yourself or spouse. We make a wish list and post it on the fridge at my mothers house, dad keeps tabs on who has who. ( I panic every year and am always calling to make sure I bought for the right person). For the kids, we still get them all something. The oldest neice is 25 and she is still in with the kids, I was against putting her in with the adults when she turned 18 cause she is an only child, we agree'd when the "kids" got married they would then be included with the adults. But now she's living with her boyfriend, does that count?
Now on my dh side, we used to pick names for the adults and kids, now it's just the adults. and this year we didn't participate in it.

 

[golfgal]

For years we drew name with the adults in DH's family, including his parents, and the kids drew names with the other kids. The past couple years we have done a Dirty Santa type game and even that wasn't much fun. This year we all put cash in an envelope to send to an orphanage in the Philippines. The kids still draw names and they have a blast trying to figure out the perfect gift and can hardly wait for their person to open their gift.

On my side it depends on if we are actually spending the holiday together or not if we get gifts for each other. We only spend time with my Dad, Step-mom, my sister and her family. We always get Dad/Step-mom something it is my sister and her family that we only buy for if we get together. Actually that is even only just the kids-we don't get anything for the adults (which my sister doesn't like but she is just a big baby anyway--that and she returns every single gift she has ever been given).

 

[bumbershoot]

I love gift cards, but it seemed to be all we were doing is exchanging gift cards.... does that seem silly to you? It did to my dh and myself. Anyway, dh has gone out to buy gift cards for the exchange.....

Yes it seems silly.

I agree with you, but my dh felt like such a jerk there's no way he will risk that again. I'm so glad I'm an only child.

Too bad he felt guilty. If he didn't reciprocate, they certainly would follow the agreement next year!

That's my mom's thinking -- she always feels like it's the same thing as just changing money from one hand to the next.

Here -- let me take out a $20.00 and you take out a $20.00 and we will swap them. That's my mom's thinking on gifts in general for adults.

That's how I feel too. I'm just NOT into gift-giving or getting anymore at all. Alas I live with two people who do like giving and getting, sigh.

I don't give to anyone else, though!

Stepdad seems to feel compelled to continue with the gift certs, and he does it to my brother as well. Brother is in incredible financial shape, and they NEVER use the giftcards (I was *this* close to saying "well give it to me, then" when SIL was talking about it), and they just hate that stepdad continues it.

 

[MichelleinMaine]

We do a dirty santa swap with my family. (We had a family friend who passed away at 101. She had a habit of just wrapping things in her house and you never knew what you'd get! Could have been a pretty antique, could have been outdated macaroons. ) So, we're doing this in her memory. Should add, we all have a sense of humor, so looking at this as way to recycle stupid gifts other people have given us, lol.

We went with this, because none of us really needed anything (alot of buying for the sake of buying going on!) We tried "just presents for kids", but that wasn't fair for those with no kids. Besides, there has to be ~some~ wrapping paper flying or it's just not Christmas! We have alot of fun with the swap- everyone goes home with something. It's a status symbol to have the dorkiest gift!