The bad days are starting out outnumber the good ones.

[Ember]

For anyone who remember, we just moved into a new place to be able to better provide for everyone's needs as my mummy goes through the last stages of cancer.

We're here now and my new place is beautiful. But mum is getting to the point where bad days, days where she feels sick or tired or just not well, out number the days where she felt okay. I feel like I've already lost so much of her, in small stages, and this just hurts so much. She is groggy and can't really follow a conversation anymore. I've been reading to her (we just started The Hobbit) hoping that her favorite stories will make her feel safe. When she's awake she tends to repeat over and over that she loves me. I feel like I'm holding onto a ledge and that at any moment I'm going to slip...

I also have terrible feeling where I want it to just be over, but I really don't. I don't want her to go. I think I just want to put everything down for a while. I'm on a hair trigger for crying and feel like that's all I do sometimes. I know my darling DH would give anything in the world to make me happy, but I don't even remember what happy is anymore. It feels like we've been fighting this inevitable battle for so long...

Thanks for listening.

 

[glitterkittyy]

For anyone who remember, we just moved into a new place to be able to better provide for everyone's needs as my mummy goes through the last stages of cancer.

We're here now and my new place is beautiful. But mum is getting to the point where bad days, days where she feels sick or tired or just not well, out number the days where she felt okay. I feel like I've already lost so much of her, in small stages, and this just hurts so much. She is groggy and can't really follow a conversation anymore. I've been reading to her (we just started The Hobbit) hoping that her favorite stories will make her feel safe. When she's awake she tends to repeat over and over that she loves me. I feel like I'm holding onto a ledge and that at any moment I'm going to slip...

I also have terrible feeling where I want it to just be over, but I really don't. I don't want her to go. I think I just want to put everything down for a while. I'm on a hair trigger for crying and feel like that's all I do sometimes. I know my darling DH would give anything in the world to make me happy, but I don't even remember what happy is anymore. It feels like we've been fighting this inevitable battle for so long...

Thanks for listening.

I was the primary caretaker of my father during his nearly 4-year battle with lung cancer. There were many times when I wished for peace to come for my father and then I would feel guilty for wishing it. When he finally passed, I felt relief (and guilt) but I also felt selfish because I wished he were still with us and was angry that he had to go. Just know that you're not alone, and that the feelings you have are normal and legitimate.

It sounds like you are doing a great job. Wish there was something I could say or do to make it better for you. Hang in there.

 

[Darsa]

Ember, I can totally relate; I am so sorry you're having to go through this but what a wonderful thing you're doing for your mom. You're an amazing daughter, and it's so good that you have your DH to lean on, like I do. Your mother, I'm sure, knows just how amazing you are, and wants to make sure that you know she knows.

I've found that crying is good; it's an excellent outlet for, just everything. I have to have these little spots of time where I can curl up in a soft, warm spot and just bawl.

God bless you sweetie, hang in there.

 

[Robinrs]

What an amazing daughter she has.. you are a testiment to what kind of Mom she is!

I went thru this with my Mom and my Dad, so I know your pain. It's hard to see anyone you love in this condition and it's sometimes much worse for the caregivers than those in care.

Hang in there....

 

[Tuffcookie]

Ember,



There are so many here that have gone thru what you are going thru right now.

I went thru this 3 years ago with my own DM.

I wanted to spare her all her pain and suffering and there was nothing I could do! This is one time I had to draw on my faith to give me the strength & courage and acceptance to make it thru this time.

You are in my prayers!

TC

 

[The Mystery Machine]

 

[mom2boys77]

My mom has stage 4 Lung Cancer and while she is doing remarkably well right now, what you're going through is exactly what I'm afraid of. I don't have any wise words for you just lots of hugs that you will get through this and I'm sure just being with your mom is a comfort to her.

 

[eliza61]

For anyone who remember, we just moved into a new place to be able to better provide for everyone's needs as my mummy goes through the last stages of cancer.

We're here now and my new place is beautiful. But mum is getting to the point where bad days, days where she feels sick or tired or just not well, out number the days where she felt okay. I feel like I've already lost so much of her, in small stages, and this just hurts so much. She is groggy and can't really follow a conversation anymore. I've been reading to her (we just started The Hobbit) hoping that her favorite stories will make her feel safe. When she's awake she tends to repeat over and over that she loves me. I feel like I'm holding onto a ledge and that at any moment I'm going to slip...

I also have terrible feeling where I want it to just be over, but I really don't. I don't want her to go. I think I just want to put everything down for a while. I'm on a hair trigger for crying and feel like that's all I do sometimes. I know my darling DH would give anything in the world to make me happy, but I don't even remember what happy is anymore. It feels like we've been fighting this inevitable battle for so long...

Thanks for listening.

Big hugs Ember. Please know that you will be happy again. I know it sounds cliche but as you can see many of the posters here have been through what you're going through.
Please know that your emotions are perfectly normal. We are what is being called the "sandwich" generation. Many of us are taking care of sick elderly parents and our own families. Of course we want to sit down and bawl like a baby.

So continue to use us as an outlet for those bad days also try to take care of yourself a little. some thing as small as a cup of hot cococo and chocolate cake can remind you of the simple pleasures of life.

 

[mickeyboat]

Ember.

My FIL recently died from pancreatic cancer. It was 2 months from diagnosis to his death. It took two people 24/7 to care for him. Everyone was exhausted.

It was a relief for us when he passed, as sad as we were. We also knew he was no longer suffering. Once he knew he was done trying, it was a very short period before he passed.

What you are feeling is normal - the sadness, the exhaustion, the guilt, etc. That doesn't make it any easier, but I hope you stop feeling guilty. You are giving your mother a wonderful gift. You will not look back with regrets.

Is there some sort of hospice or respite care available to you? Is there are support group you can attend to talk to others who understand what you are going through? Are there other resources available through your mom's doctor's office?

You need some support, and a little break. Hope you get it.

 

[Ember]

Thank you, again, DIS board people for the kind words. I really do read each reply and each one means a lot. It doesn't make sense, but it helps to let things out somewhere, even if it is into cyberspace.

 

[ontariomonkey]

Just like being born, dying is a big job sometimes and it makes such a difference to have loved ones helping us along. What a gift you are giving your mother. Bon Courage!

 

[dislaney]

Your feelings are very normal so please don't feel bad for having them. Your Mom is lucky to have such a wonderful daughter there caring for her.

 

[themilesfamily]

I'll echo what others have said. You sounds like a wonderful, supportive daughter and clearly your presence is a godsend for your mother. I can understand why she says "I love you" over and over. If I knew that my time on earth was short, that's exactly what I would say to my precious daughter.

God bless you and I just said a prayer for you and your mom.

 

[Katy Belle]

You are an angel on earth for your Mother. You have done the right thing all the way along, even though its been really, really, really hard. Hugs to you Hang in there. You are a strong woman! You have done so, so much already! Hugs and Prayers offered for you, your Mom and your DH.
Katy

 

[bumbershoot]

 

[amyy]

 

[Art 1]

Sorry that you have to go thru this. Keep your chin up.

 

[teskak]

I second the chocolate cake and a glass of wine rather than the cocoa. Grab the pleasures in the simple things. But look into the respite services as a sitter so that you can go out to enjoy that cake.

The things you are doing now will mean the memories for later and that there will be no regrets

 

[a1tinkfans]

These really difficult times you are sharing with your mom will someday bring you a sense of closeness to her. Hang in there. You are both in my thoughts and prayers. Having lost my mom and having been forced to share in some very very difficult family decisions, I can feel your pain.
Savor the smiles, the small gestures, the quiet times of just holding her hand, All your feelings are normal and expressing them is good for you. Glad that the people here on the DIS can be your sounding board! Again, you all are in my thoughts and prayers!

 

[EeyoreEma]

Just wanted to send hugs and prayers your way.