Teens and drinking--a ? for other parents (or those than can relate)

[DisneyPhD]

She is self medicating to ease the pain of the breakup. The best thing you can do is focus on her to get her head together. Obviously taking away car, money, etc...so she can't buy booze.

Breakups are very painful without all the extra crapola she is dealing with. He is "punishing her"? So she punishes him BACK. She is blinded to the fact, how much she is harming herself.

I was a teenaged nightmare. The only thing I could say that would have helped me is if my family actually pulled me into their world so I could be busy and doing things to make me feel accepted again.

Make sure you focus on family (do things together), her future, growing up instead of the EX. Try and keep him in the past.

I think Mystery's instinks might be on to something here with the punishing the boyfriend thing.

Glad to hear you are moving on this. I know that teenage drinking is a large problem all around. However the extentent of it in other homes doesn't make it any less an issue in your home. I know that if I ever found out my DD's were drinking as a teenager, it would be a big deal to me regardless of how many of her friends are doing it. (same goes for my neice and newphew that are currenlty teenagers.) As I said before since this doesn't fit her perosnality before the breakup I suspect it is an reaction and a cry for help.

TimeforMe, I think there has been some very insitful and supportive comments on this thread and I am glad we have been able to help. Let us know how things are going.

 

[clh2]

I've got just a couple of comments to add...

Does your state have a "zero-tolerance" policy for underaged drinking and driving. I've heard stories of those types of infractions haunting kids far into their early 20's. I think some of the penalties might be a long term loss of their licsence (bad spelling..) period. They do not need to be qualitfied as legally drunk for that to happen - it happens becuase they are underage. You might want to know the exact penalty for your state.

And my other comment is as a mom...hopefully she is aware of what her actions (driving impaired) may have on another family. If she did something to someone else - i.e. killed someone...the coping for that would be far greater than losing a boyfriend, and might actually entail time in prison.

Good luck in dealing with this issue...it certainly sounds like you are being proactive in working through things.

 

[nwdisgal]

I"m sorry if I offended anyone, but this sounds like a person who is using alcohol for more than "expirimentation". and I tend to think that she's drinking a lot more than you realize.

Teen AA programs also help address issues that cause the "need" to drink in a safe and supportive atmosphere. Knowing that other kids are going through the same situations often helps them cope and the peer pressure to not drink can be as strong, if not stronger than the pressure to drink.

Anne

I agree. Alot of times, teens do experiment with alcohol, but at the same time, there are those who have an actual addiction and treatment is the only option. Anyway, I think talking with a counselor is a good suggestion, then that will help you determine if this is just a passing rebellion or something serious that needs treatment. My nephew went through Teen AA and it has been a lifesaver for him. There is a lot of pressure at that age to drink in social situations. If there is an actual addiction involved, it is good for them to have a network of "dry" teenage friends to hang out and socialize with.

to you and your DD.

 

[TimeforMe]

I am concerned that she is 'buying the alcohol'. I did this when I was younger too (unfortunately, I was stupid and invincible too), she needs to be reminded that if ANYONE is hurt due to her 'contribution', she will have to live with that for the rest of her life. She may not end up jailed for it, but the repercussions could be staggering. Seriously, that is a heavy load, if you stop and think about it.

That is a VERY good point and one I hadn't thought of. I will be sure to bring that up in our discussion.

DisneyPhD and Mystery Machine--yes, I agree that she, too, is punishing him by her behavior. That is part of the reason why I wanted to speak with him. They are hurting each other tremendously and I don't know how to make them stop. He won't talk to me and right now she won't talk to me either. He did talk to her last night but I'm not sure what was said. She's also mad at me for e-mailing him.

So, last night she came home from work and went straight to bed. When I tried to talk to her she refused to discuss it. Today she worked a double shift and isn't home yet. If she still refuses to talk to me, she'll have to at least listen. I know deep in her heart she knows I'm not the enemy--I can see the conflict in her eyes and I yearn to just sweep her up in my arms and make it all go away, but the truth is that I can't. So in the meantime, I'll take it day by day, do the tough love thing and let her know I have her best interests at heart.

 

[MELSMICE]

I think everyone has given you some great advice.

I just wanted to tell you that I commend you for also trying to find out where this alcohol is being sold to minors. Shame on that liquor store.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DisneyPhD and Mystery Machine--yes, I agree that she, too, is punishing him by her behavior. That is part of the reason why I wanted to speak with him. They are hurting each other tremendously and I don't know how to make them stop. He won't talk to me and right now she won't talk to me either. He did talk to her last night but I'm not sure what was said. She's also mad at me for e-mailing him.

Now I am not in your house but I would say that trying to contact this boy is like "consorting with the enemy" as far as your dd is concerned. Think about it. Why do YOU get to speak with him? Not fair!

I would not speak to this kid anymore. Try and move her forward. In a round about way you are kind of doing her bidding. Weird to think of it that way. Don't involve this EX in anything.
What I am saying if she wants to talk about "him" let her start it. In the meantime...

Take her out for lunch, to the park, zoo, etc... Try and make her feel good again with your connection as a mom. Without bringing up the mess she is in.
The idea is to reestablish a new relationship with you. She is now a changed woman from this. Help her through it. It might take counseling, hugging, hand holding from mom. She needs you now.

I don't envy you. But I do know it sounds like you care very very much for your dd and I am sure you will find the right way to handle it.
{HUGS}

 

[Mackey Mouse]

This sounds familiar..

I would ask her to go to counseling.. it sounds to me like she was in a relationship that was not healthy, controlling and mentally abusive, and is now in a depression over the whole thing.. To say that he is punishing her just makes my blood boil. Hopefully she will go willingly to counseling and she will get some help to deal with what she is feeling right now.. The alcohol is only helping her to deaden her emotions, my heart goes out to her and to you, her parents..

 

[TimeforMe]

I would not speak to this kid anymore. Try and move her forward. In a round about way you are kind of doing her bidding. Weird to think of it that way. Don't involve this EX in anything.
What I am saying if she wants to talk about "him" let her start it. In the meantime...

Take her out for lunch, to the park, zoo, etc... Try and make her feel good again with your connection as a mom. Without bringing up the mess she is in.
The idea is to reestablish a new relationship with you. She is now a changed woman from this. Help her through it. It might take counseling, hugging, hand holding from mom. She needs you now.

Yes! You make many good points here and I actually thought of this after the fact. You know what they say about hindsight. I wish I never contacted him because in his mind, he now has the "upper hand" so to speak. I can tell he thinks that by his response to my e-mail. How he "feels bad" that she is in a bad spot right now, but that she somehow deserves this... After that remark, I let him know exactly what I thought of his mind games. The sad part is, however, that I truly like this kid and forgive him. He's just so hurt and so confused that he knows not what he says/does. I just can't have my daughter be a part of it anymore.

I spoke to the school psychologist today and she gave me a few names for private sessions. DD is still angry with me but is starting to come around. She thinks I'm over-reacting and maybe I am, but better over-react now then have to deal with even more later. I told her no car unless she agrees to go to AT LEAST 3 sessions. She agreed.

Mackeymouse--thanks for you input and perspective. I am sometimes a little wishy-washy and too forgiving, but you're absolutely right.

 

[bride03]

Take her in for a counseling consult. Maybe she needs to vent in a safe place. I have two 18yo sons. Each has had a minor episode of drinking and they are great kids. Most teens will experiment with alcohol. I'd be more concerned about the other issues and the drinking going on during a tough time. I wouldn't assume alcoholism. Get a counselors advice on the situation and keep your dd as close as is possible at this age.

Well said. AA????? Are you people nuts?? If my parents would have made me go to something like that, I would have turned away and not had a good relationship with them ever again. I am all for being stern and taking away the car but let's not get carried away. Doing things as a family and not making her feel that she is a psycho is the best thing. Making her feel like she is a part of a unit and that she has things to do other than just waste her life away being sad.

 

[hentob]

Well said. AA????? Are you people nuts?? If my parents would have made me go to something like that, I would have turned away and not had a good relationship with them ever again. I am all for being stern and taking away the car but let's not get carried away. .

I agree. I am sure AA has helped many a person (family), but I just read the list and, according to AA, I may be an alcoholic. If you answer "YES" to any of the questions, you have drinking issues. I answered "YES" to do you "drink to relax". Hmmmm, yes. I do. A glass of red does wonders for the nerves, or as an after dinner "ahhh, this is the life". Plus, I enjoy the taste of a good wine. Don't most people enjoy a dirnk or two while relaxing?

But, back to teenage drinking, I think your daughter would resent you if you took her to AA. I think what you are doing is correct.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Well said. AA????? Are you people nuts?? If my parents would have made me go to something like that, I would have turned away and not had a good relationship with them ever again. I am all for being stern and taking away the car but let's not get carried away. Doing things as a family and not making her feel that she is a psycho is the best thing. Making her feel like she is a part of a unit and that she has things to do other than just waste her life away being sad.

I am sorry if you parents sugested you go to AA after teenage drinking you never would of have a good relationship with them again. Isn't that a bit harsh and over the top? Belive me people have gotten over much more then that. In fact that almost sounds like a threat.

I do agree more closer family activities might be a good thing, but each family is different.

Taking teenage drinking seriously is a good thing.

BTW, OP. It has been a while. How are things going? Any updates? I hope things are going well.

 

[KarenAylwood]

Not sure if anyone noticed, but this thread was bumped from October. Most likely the confrontation has already happened and they are in the works of recovery.

On that note- is there an update?

 

[hentob]

Wow--Didn't realize it was an old post when I answered.

I am now interested..

To the OP--How did everything work out?

Hope all is well

 

[bride03]

I am sorry if you parents sugested you go to AA after teenage drinking you never would of have a good relationship with them again. Isn't that a bit harsh and over the top? Belive me people have gotten over much more then that. In fact that almost sounds like a threat.

Taking teenage drinking seriously IS a good thing. However, parents don't need to take their kids to meetings because they are caught experimenting or not thinking and needing some help from parents. Maybe you should just PARENT and then if that doesn't work, then there is a problem. Who am I making a threat to?? My parents who never had to worry about their kids because we never drank before we were 21...ok. I'm 24 years old and am about to start having kids of my own. I'm also an early childhood major. Just love people who have a comeback for everything because they think they know it all. Thanks for your psyc analysis for me DisneyPhD.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Taking teenage drinking seriously IS a good thing. However, parents don't need to take their kids to meetings because they are caught experimenting or not thinking and needing some help from parents. Maybe you should just PARENT and then if that doesn't work, then there is a problem. Who am I making a threat to?? My parents who never had to worry about their kids because we never drank before we were 21...ok. I'm 24 years old and am about to start having kids of my own. I'm also an early childhood major. Just love people who have a comeback for everything because they think they know it all. Thanks for your psyc analysis for me DisneyPhD.

You are welcome, that one is free of charge. (BTW I could teach your major.) I was commenting that your statement was very strong and did sound threating, not to your parents because as you said you are an adult now. However to the OP or someone who is dealing with that comment it really is threating. Take your kid to AA for their own good and I will never forgive you or have a good relationship again. Please, It also sounds very imature. (of course we are talking about teens who may look like adults, but aren't, hense the imaturity.) BTW just becuase some one waits until they are 21 to start drinking doesn't mean it isn't a problem. (Not that you have one, but not only teenage drinking is problemactic.)

As many has adressed AA meetings are not what many people have a sterotypaical idea of. They can be a great resourse. Seeing how the road she has started can lead can be very eye opening. However it is up to the OP here to decide what is right for her family.

You may be suprized to find that your answers may be different after you are the parent.

I hope things are going well and that is why we haven't heard any on this mater for a while.