Teens and drinking--a ? for other parents (or those than can relate)

[TimeforMe]

OK--I'll try to be as brief as I can. I have a beautiful DD who is a sr. in high school this year. I have never had any kinds of problems as far as her doing things that she knows she's not allowed to, etc. Not to say she hasn't done them, but never to the extent that it's become an issue. Well, she had a boyfriend that she saw for about 6 months and they spent a lot of time together--doing things with both of their families like family functions, church, day trips, etc.--as well as with their friends. Fast forward--boyfriend becomes extremely possessive to the point of obsession. DD and he get into an argument and she breaks up with him; not really meaning to however, but more out of frustration. He gets so upset, he won't speak to her but now it's almost 2 months later and he still manages to let her know he still loves her but is intent on punishing her. For the first 2 weeks of this she goes into a depression, stops eating, cries a lot--it's clear her heart is broken. We talk, talk and talk some more. She seems better -- on the surface at least.

I find out, however, that she's been drinking and buying alcohol (illegally of course) and confront her. She tells us she won't do it again. Ex-boyfriend makes it clear that he's disappointed in her. Find out that yesterday she does it again (buys the booze) and while doing so forgets to take her brother to meet his bus for his away soccer game. She drives him to the game and goes to work. DS has to sit out 1/2 of his game because he missed the bus. I AM furious as I know she's lying (she said she had a mtg. at school) and know what she is up to. I ground her for the weekend and take away her car. She insists she didn't do it, but I KNOW she did.

Now, what do I do? I feel she's become a liar and I'm soooo disappointed and can't help but feel I've failed her.

I'm sorry this is so long and I know I'm leaving out necessary details, but for those that have "caught" their teens drinking, how have you dealt with it?

 

[mom2boys]

First let me say I feel for you. You have to take a tough stance with your daughter. I know you have taken her car and that is wonderful. I would be extremely concerned about drinking & driving. If she is lying about what she is doing, she clearly hasn't faced the gravity of the situation. I would suggest outside counseling/intevention for her.

 

[DisneyPhD]

This really sounds like more then just "cacthing" your teen experimenting with drinking and her lying. It is a result of what happened to her (it sounds like the break up was a good thing really). I would be conerned becaue of the changes in her personality and behaviors.

I think you do need to be tough on this, but also be supportive. I think mom2boys is right and this is a cry for help, outside counseling is a good idea. This could go down hill very fast.

Good luck, let us know how it works out.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

I will go along with the counseling suggestion. Even if she has been wonderful and obedient to this point, there is a lot of pressure on a senior WITHOUT an ex-boyfriend who is still in the picture. I find it hard to believe that drinking in itself is a new thing just because of the breakup.
Some girls can just shake off a relationship, but for others it is an extremely difficult thing that can make their whole existence seem worthless. I would get her the counseling and make it clear that you aren't doing the counseling as a punishment, but that you are truly concerned for her. The punishment is taking the car--and please keep the keys for a long enough time that it has an impact on her. I would be concerned about impaired driving, especially if she is driving her brother around!
Robin M.

 

[ducklite]

AA might be a good place for her to start, it truly sounds like she might have a drinking problem. There are AA groups specifically for teens, that would be the most appropriate.

I would not allow her to drive, period, until this is resolved.

Anne

 

[OhMari]

I give you a lot of credit for bringing the subject to the DIS Boards. I have 2 teens and 2 in their early 20's and I swear to God, I would take back the baby days any day.

Don't know what to say, or advize, but I guess you just have to stay stern with her and keep talking.

 

[horseshowmom]

My DD is 18 (first year of college). She went through a bad break-up a couple of years ago. They were extremely fond of each other and truly soulmates (we'll always be fond of the young man), but they just weren't meant to be together - just a hard part of growing up.

She had a hard time for quite awhile too, but nothing like this. I really think the other posters are right about her needing counseling. That's sure what I'd do (just as fast as I could get her there).

Good luck, we'll add you to our prayers!

 

[christineann]

Take the car away - not just for a weekend.

She needs to know that whether or not you think she is drinking and driving, you will not/can not allow even the possibility that she is. That is a good way to show her how seriously you are taking teenage drinking. The fact that she is drinking illegally is an indication that she may not think driving while drinking is wrong either. I work insurance defense, and believe me, if she causes an accident, people can and will come after your assets.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

there are alot of issues going on with this one - the controlling boyfriend, increased substance use to handle emotions, slippage in the ability to handle duties and responsibilities... This just isn't a case of having "caught" your teen being bad at last weekends party.

I'd definately talk to her about the need for an evaluation. She shouldn't have to live her last year olf High School feeling like this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She is self medicating to ease the pain of the breakup. The best thing you can do is focus on her to get her head together. Obviously taking away car, money, etc...so she can't buy booze.

Breakups are very painful without all the extra crapola she is dealing with. He is "punishing her"? So she punishes him BACK. She is blinded to the fact, how much she is harming herself.

I was a teenaged nightmare. The only thing I could say that would have helped me is if my family actually pulled me into their world so I could be busy and doing things to make me feel accepted again.

Make sure you focus on family (do things together), her future, growing up instead of the EX. Try and keep him in the past.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Take her in for a counseling consult. Maybe she needs to vent in a safe place. I have two 18yo sons. Each has had a minor episode of drinking and they are great kids. Most teens will experiment with alcohol. I'd be more concerned about the other issues and the drinking going on during a tough time. I wouldn't assume alcoholism. Get a counselors advice on the situation and keep your dd as close as is possible at this age.

 

[tjmw2727]

Take away the car for now - until and unless she can prove she is not drinking and driving. Consider counseling and as Anne said consider taking her to an AA meeting. It will help you both, even if just to see the road she could be headed down. It sounds as if you have been supportive but IMHO she has now crossed a line and you need to be tough. You can be kind as well as tough but its mportant. What if she were drinking when she drove your son to his game?

Kids at this age think they are invincible and nothing bad can happen. Remember that underage drinking is illegal and the consequences to her and your entire family can be HUGE. I would limit her freedom until she has this situation under control. Give her a chance to work and earn it back, give her hope and help but I personally would keep her under my thumb as much as possible until things change.

Good luck - be strong and remember your working for a long term. Your other children will also learn from how you deal with this experience.

Hugs - and you were very brave to post here so I hope you get great advice.

TJ

 

[dmslush]

I agree taking the car away until you are positive that she is no longer drinking. It could have been a whole lot worse that making DS late for a game. She could have killed him.

I think you need to address the boyfriend issue first and foremost. Yes, she is broken hearted, yes it hurts. But you need to take charge and get this guy out of her life. If he is becoming controlling, obsessed, etc.. then he is absolutely nothing but bad news.

Remember that things like cars, license, money, etc.. are a privilage, not a right. It is time for her to lose her privilages and have to earn them back.

Also, where is she buying the alcohol? Turn them into your local police.

 

[coolmom99]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think it would definitely help for her to speak with someone but I don't agree with the AA suggestion. Most kids experiment with alcohol at some point but that doesn't make them alcoholics. I think that an AA meeting would make her feel even worse about herself. Good luck.

 

[ducklite]

I"m sorry if I offended anyone, but this sounds like a person who is using alcohol for more than "expirimentation". and I tend to think that she's drinking a lot more than you realize.

Teen AA programs also help address issues that cause the "need" to drink in a safe and supportive atmosphere. Knowing that other kids are going through the same situations often helps them cope and the peer pressure to not drink can be as strong, if not stronger than the pressure to drink.

Anne

 

[tjmw2727]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think it would definitely help for her to speak with someone but I don't agree with the AA suggestion. Most kids experiment with alcohol at some point but that doesn't make them alcoholics. I think that an AA meeting would make her feel even worse about herself. Good luck.

Just as an FYI, not everyone who attends AA is an alcoholic and the OPs daughter, right now, is having a problem with alchohol. Therefore so is the OP so AA or a program for parents or family could be a great tool. I don't think she will leave the meeting feeling worse about herself hopefully just realizing that the decisions she is making need to change. There is a difference.

Seeing others that have problems or have had problems with drinking and how it has affected their lives is going to be a wake up call regardless of the seriousness of the OP's daughters problem.

TJ


I just don't see this as a time to be PC or dance around the problem.

 

[Living with the Land]

My senior year of high school I broke up with a very serious boyfriend. I went into a very deep depression and stopped eating and became a very wreckless driver. I didn't care whether I lived or died so i didn't worry about my actions. I think back on the things I did then and it scares me to death. My parents never noticed and it has been in the last 2 years that I have even told them some of the things I did. You really need to monitor her and see just what she is doing. Sometimes to parents things don't look as bad as they really are. I am not trying to scare you, but I know you want to do what's best for your daughter. She really needs to be in therapy. It took me 10 years to begin to fix what was broken in myself.

Holly

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I think it would definitely help for her to speak with someone but I don't agree with the AA suggestion. Most kids experiment with alcohol at some point but that doesn't make them alcoholics. I think that an AA meeting would make her feel even worse about herself. Good luck.

As with most things, there are AA meetings that are a good fit for some people, there are AA meetins that are a terrible fit for some people. Most hospitals, County Health Organizations, and nearly any Social Service agency can lead a person to finding options. Unfortunately Mental Health services in general, and Mental Health Services for kids and teens, can be VERY hard to find. Nobody should ever be stuck with a meeting that makes them feel worse about themselves however.

Personally, when I read the post I became very concerned because of some of the issues presented. Having had plenty of experience with addiction problems amongst family members, I have read the "warning signs lists" many times.

This is a list of 12 questions pulled from the AA which might indicate a problem. Maybe the OP could at least show the list to her daughter as a starting point for the discussion.

If you can answer yes to any one of these questions, maybe it's time you took a serious look at what your drinking might be doing to you.

1. Do you drink because you have problems? To relax?
2. Do you drink when you get mad at other people, your friends or parents?
3. Do you prefer to drink alone, rather than with others?
4. Are your grades starting to slip? Are you goofing off on your job?
5. Did you ever try to stop drinking or drink less — and fail?
6. Have you begun to drink in the morning, before school or work?
7 Do you gulp your drinks?
8. Do you ever have loss of memory due to your drinking?
9. Do you lie about your drinking?
10. Do you ever get into trouble when you're drinking?
11. Do you get drunk when you drink, even when you don't mean to?
12. Do you think it's cool to be able to hold your liquor?

 

[TimeforMe]

Thanks for all of your replies. I've spoken with a very close friend of mine who also happens to be a psychologist. She, too, suggested counseling. I am going to suggest it to DD (as soon as she's calmed down enough to talk to me) and start looking for a good one in our area.

Just a few more details.....she has NEVER come home drunk and doesn't always take the car out when she goes out. I suspect the nights that she knows she'll be drinking is when she doesn't drive. I don't believe she has a drinking problem. We live in a very affluent area and believe me, the majority of the kids in town drink. period. I feel lucky to have gotten this far in her life without having to deal with this yet.

She was not drinking when she was supposed to be bringing her brother; she was doing the buying at that time. She told me she forgot, but in fact she was just late in bringing him because she had to drive a few towns over to buy the liquor.

You all made so many good points and gave so much good advice as I knew you would.

1. I've decided she will not get the car back until counseling is under way--I refuse to let her risk her life. She needs to speak to someone unbiased that she can vent to.

2. She needs to come to terms with the boyfriend issue. I've e-mailed him asking if we could speak, but he is still too blinded by his hurt to see past it. He told her I e-mailed him and they spoke but she hasn't told me what they talked about.


3. No AA meetings. She's not an alcoholic and as another poster mentioned, I think it would do more harm than good.

4. I am trying to locate exactly where they are buying the liquor and will definitely report them to the police.

You guys never cease to amaze me; each and every one of you contributed constructively to my situation. Thank you all. I'll keep you posted.

 

[poohandwendy]

Just a few more details.....she has NEVER come home drunk and doesn't always take the car out when she goes out.

I think you have a good handle on the situation, but I just wanted to point out one thing...she does not have to come home 'drunk' to be getting impaired alot. If she is drinking at all, she is becoming impaired. Too impaired to drive, IMHO. This is one of the reasons I agree with your taking her car away.

I am not sure what I can add, you have received lots of good advice here. Counselling is a great start. I wish you luck in this, I know it is tough issue because you KNOW many teens are drinking and your just saying 'don't do it' does not stop it from happening.

I am concerned that she is 'buying the alcohol'. I did this when I was younger too (unfortunately, I was stupid and invincible too), she needs to be reminded that if ANYONE is hurt due to her 'contribution', she will have to live with that for the rest of her life. She may not end up jailed for it, but the repercussions could be staggering. Seriously, that is a heavy load, if you stop and think about it.