Teens and Anger Management

[LisaR]

I need advice on the best way to handle this. I hesitate to use the words anger management because that makes the problem sound worse than it really is. My 15 y/o is not at all violent, however, she is the most stubborn individual that has ever walked the planet. When she gets her nose out of joint, even when she admits that she is 100% wrong, she will go an entire week without speaking to us. She holds grudges for the longest time. Again, there isn't any violence and she doesn't even yell. She just holes up in her room and refuses to try and make amends. She admits that she is stubborn and she claims that she knows that she could fix the situation a lot sooner by just talking to us but she lets it drag on forever.

I am not sure how to help her. I've found some workbooks on Amazon that claim they help teens deal with anger issues. I am not sure if those would be sufficient. Would a counselor be able to help her deal with this? Or, is this something many teens go through and this to shall pass?

I am pretty darn stubborn but this kid has me beat by a mile. Her dad told her that if I ever treated him like she treats us when she is mad, he would have left me. We don't want her to have these issues as an adult and would like her to get a handle on it now.

Any ideas on ways to help her?

 

[penn19]

I wish I had advice for you. I hope you are able to "fix" the situation. It doesn't get better. My elderly Mom has ALWAYS been this way. She hasn't spoken to me in 5 years because she felt that I didn't spend enough time with her when I went to go visit her. Stayed with her, but it wasn't enough time. Before that it was one year no speaking because I started going to church. She just totally shuts off communication. Won't answer the phone etc.....
I am quite sure she was this way when she was your daughters age, so hopefully someone will have good advice for you.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Whether you realize it or not you've been reinforcing this behavior. All you have to do is stop tolerating it and it loses its power. take the hinges off her door and sit there with her, talk to her like nothing is wrong and invade her space while you read a book or take over her TV. Right now she has the control and her method works because she is fine but you are uncomfortable. If you switch things around and make the behavior uncomfortable for her things might change. At least this is what I would do, no way would I let one of my kids get away with making me feel uncomfortable like that in my own house because it could become a go-to habit

this isn't about winning, it's about disrupting a self destructive behavior. I think you are 100percent right to recognize the behavior as extremely dangerous. What if she does this with friends, her husband or, down the road her own kids? The effects could be devastating.

good luck

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would say it is not normal and I would get counseling since you are unable to deal with it. Carrying this into adulthood is not good. She needs to learn how to deal with disappointing issues and bad feelings in a healthy normal way.

I am sure she would rather be "normal" she just does not know how. Get her someone to teach her how to handle her emotions.

 

[Hannathy]

Whether you realize it or not you've been reinforcing this behavior. All you have to do is stop tolerating it and it loses its power. take the hinges off her door and sit there with her, talk to her like nothing is wrong and invade her space while you read a book or take over her TV. Right now she has the control and her method works because she is fine but you are uncomfortable. If you switch things around and make the behavior uncomfortable for her things might change. At least this is what I would do, no way would I let one of my kids get away with making me feel uncomfortable like that in my own house because it could become a go-to habit

this isn't about winning, it's about disrupting a self destructive behavior. I think you are 100percent right to recognize the behavior as extremely dangerous. What if she does this with friends, her husband or, down the road her own kids? The effects could be devastating.

good luck

I agree with you. No way would I tolerate such nonsense. She would not be going to her room. She can sit in the family room with the rest of us, homework can be done in the kitchen, etc. And I would keep talking to her and she Darn well better answer any direct questions I ask her (allowing a short time period of being mad, like maybe that evening or a few hours)

No rides, nothing without speaking. I can understand an evening or just short answers and no long conversations in the immediate time after being mad but a week no way. I understand holding a grudge and I don't forget things easily but I don't not speak to my family for a week. She needs to learn the difference between a minor annoyance and when someone actually does something really hurtful or vicious. getting that mad over little things takes the bite out of it when there is a real outrage.

 

[LisaR]

Whether you realize it or not you've been reinforcing this behavior. All you have to do is stop tolerating it and it loses its power. take the hinges off her door and sit there with her, talk to her like nothing is wrong and invade her space while you read a book or take over her TV. Right now she has the control and her method works because she is fine but you are uncomfortable. If you switch things around and make the behavior uncomfortable for her things might change. At least this is what I would do, no way would I let one of my kids get away with making me feel uncomfortable like that in my own house because it could become a go-to habit

this isn't about winning, it's about disrupting a self destructive behavior. I think you are 100percent right to recognize the behavior as extremely dangerous. What if she does this with friends, her husband or, down the road her own kids? The effects could be devastating.

good luck

Thanks for this. It really made me stop and think. We are perpetuating the situation and I hate to admit it, we are actually acting just like she is. We are allowing her to stay in her room and sulk and we are doing the same thing in another room of the house. She has made us so angry by blowing something minor out of proportion that we honestly aren't acting any better than she is.

If we were to go in her room and talk to her about anything unrelated to the "incident," I am 99.99999% sure that she would talk to us. However, since she has clammed up and we have allowed it, the only conversations we engage in during the height of everything is her behavior. We all have to learn to move past this and DH and I are allowing her behavior to control our actions and behavior. This has not always been an issue. This has only been happening for about the past 6 months or so. We need to nip this quickly and get a handle on it before it gets out of control more than it has. We are letting her control this and it is time for that to stop.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Thanks for this. It really made me stop and think. We are perpetuating the situation and I hate to admit it, we are actually acting just like she is. We are allowing her to stay in her room and sulk and we are doing the same thing in another room of the house. She has made us so angry by blowing something minor out of proportion that we honestly aren't acting any better than she is.

If we were to go in her room and talk to her about anything unrelated to the "incident," I am 99.99999% sure that she would talk to us. However, since she has clammed up and we have allowed it, the only conversations we engage in during the height of everything is her behavior. We all have to learn to move past this and DH and I are allowing her behavior to control our actions and behavior. This has not always been an issue. This has only been happening for about the past 6 months or so. We need to nip this quickly and get a handle on it before it gets out of
control more than it has. We are letting her control this and it is time for that to stop.

all patterns of behavior are cycles. Disrupt it and things will change. maybe you could have a calm talk with her when everyone is in a good state of mind and tell her she has a limit to how long she can be alone. I tend to think maybe 1-2 hours so everyone can calm down then when time is up it's time to mend fences. think it is reasonable for you to let her know that after that you will take control until she can do it for herself. Most importantly make sure she knows this is coming from love and concern, not a desire to dominate.

It's good that your DD removes herself from conflict because it will keep her from making poor impulsive decisions. This in only a problem because of the length of time it continues. If you can help her give herself limits I think everyone will be fine

 

[LuvOrlando]

Double post

 

[krcit]

all patterns of behavior are cycles. Disrupt it and things will change. maybe you could have a calm talk with her when everyone is in a good state of mind and tell her she has a limit to how long she can be alone. I tend to think maybe 1-2 hours so everyone can calm down then when time is up it's time to mend fences. think it is reasonable for you to let her know that after that you will take control until she can do it for herself. Most importantly make sure she knows this is coming from love and concern, not a desire to dominate.

It's good that your DD removes herself from conflict because it will keep her from making poor impulsive decisions. This in only a problem because of the length of time it continues. If you can help her give herself limits I think everyone will be fine

I think this is really good advice.