Teachers, ever had a parent that didn't LISTEN in a conference?

[Miller1412]

Teachers, what do you do when you have a parent that is just not hearing you when their child is struggling in school? I had the strangest conference the other night where I leveled with a parent and was very frank in the fact that their child is in danger of getting very behind and the parent acted like I had just named their child the class valedictorian. It was surreal, like everything that I'd said went in one ear and out the other!!

How do others of you deal with this? Next time, I'm going to bring in another staff member as a witness to my conversation, but I want to know that this parent and I are on the same page in regards to their child's progress.

I've taught for many years, but I've never had a conversation like this one. It was bizarre!

 

[tekmom]

I'm sure that when you said the kid wasn't doing well, all the parent heard was that her kid is bored.......he must be gifted! I am not a teacher, but I know someone who was told pretty much the same about her child and became offended. She is convinced that her kid is obviously bored and gifted. Good luck to you...I believe teachers have one of the hardest and least appreciated jobs.

 

[dmslush]

Do you think that it might help if you wrote her a follow up letter? Maybe if you spell it out, and request a follow up meeting to determine the plan of action (that is when you could bring the fellow staff member in). Another thought would be, does the parent actually understand enough that they can be of help to the child. I see some a lot of people who just simply do not understand how to help their child in school. They honestly feel like they are doing their job if they put them on the bus each morning.

In the letter, plainly list what he is having trouble with in a simple way. For instance:

Johnny doesn't understand the math. We need to find out why he doesn't understand the math.

 

[Marseeya]

Were they high? I agree with what Tekmom said though.

From a parent's point of view, though, I have to ask if you said anything positive? I get so sick and tired of meeting with teachers and only hearing negative, I could just puke. Yes, I know my son has an attitude problem (duh), and yes, I know my daughter is struggling with reading. Yes, I know he has no motivation, and yes, I know she's slow. But what are they doing right? Anyway, not saying you do this, but it gets really discouraging to only hear the bad about my kids. I really appreciate the teachers who try to find the positive and I've sworn that when I'm teaching I'll make sure to do the same, even if the only positive thing I have to say is, "Your son has shiny hair" or "Your daughter's sleeves are real nice"

 

[RUDisney]

As a parent, I had just the opposite happen to me last year with DS's teacher. She was the worst teacher I ever had to deal with in the history of my education or my children's education. In her mind, she was the best teacher... should have been teacher of the year in a national contest. It was her first year teaching. She was insulted when I pointed this out to her.... yet she wasn't insulted when I told her that age and maturity should do her well.

My DS went from a B+ average to a D during the first quarter of her class. Nope, wasn't her teaching style... it was that my DS must have turned stupid over the summer.

Funny thing is that now that he doesn't have her... he has a "good" teacher this year... he is back to a B+ average.

BTW, I am not the only parent that has experienced Miss High and Mighty. If the district can't fire her, I know that a lynch mob may be in the works.

Sorry about your experience with this wacky parent. I'd definitely follow-up with a certified letter so you know that regardless of whether that sinks in, at least you've got documentation that the parent is aware of the child's lack of progress.

 

[ADisneygirl]

Conferences at our school involve a team of teachers -- all who see your child at some point in the day. Everything that is said is documented and the parent signs it and gets a copy. Our copy goes into their cummulative files that go with them throughout their school years.

We always start out every conference with something positive to say about each child. Certainly, even the most troublesome child has some good points, something they enjoy or find some measure of success in. No parent wants to hear only negative things about their child -- they will tune you right out as soon as the conference starts and that's not want we want. That's not going to help us or the child. You want to build a relationship between you and the parent so they feel that you care and are willing to listen, and afterall don't we all care? That's one of the reasons we became teachers.

 

[Miller1412]

Thanks for all of your responses. I actually sent her a letter before the conference when interim reports went out. She got the interim, and returned it with a little note "should I be worried?" and asked me to email her. I emailed her with specific things that needed to be worked on, and absolutely let her know that she could achieve the skills she needed for success, but it would have to be a teamwork approach. No response. I even sent out a follow up note home, no response.

Please, don't get me wrong. I ALWAYS start with the positive. I believe that every child has multiple strengths, and I've never been known to be negative with kids or parents. But at the same time, I have to be honest about the problems that the student is having, or I'm doing her a disservice. I can't candy coat the fact that she's in some real danger of getting behind.

Truth be told, I did wonder if the mom was high. She's this seriously professional woman, but it was like I was talking to a doll or something. There was just no comprehension.

I've saved copies of all correspondence with her, and I've filed them. I just don't want to get to the end of the year and still have her not hearing me.

 

[SRUAlmn]

As a parent, I had just the opposite happen to me last year with DS's teacher. She was the worst teacher I ever had to deal with in the history of my education or my children's education. In her mind, she was the best teacher... should have been teacher of the year in a national contest. It was her first year teaching. She was insulted when I pointed this out to her.... yet she wasn't insulted when I told her that age and maturity should do her well.

My DS went from a B+ average to a D during the first quarter of her class. Nope, wasn't her teaching style... it was that my DS must have turned stupid over the summer.

Funny thing is that now that he doesn't have her... he has a "good" teacher this year... he is back to a B+ average.

BTW, I am not the only parent that has experienced Miss High and Mighty. If the district can't fire her, I know that a lynch mob may be in the works.

Sorry about your experience with this wacky parent. I'd definitely follow-up with a certified letter so you know that regardless of whether that sinks in, at least you've got documentation that the parent is aware of the child's lack of progress.

Please be nice to first year teachers We're people too (I know you weren't overgeneralizing all first year teachers. Just teasing you.)

OP, your kids are ADORABLE!!!

 

[RUDisney]

I was actually thrilled that DS was going to have a first year teacher when I found out who he had. I thought that she'd be full of energy and new ideas... that she'd really try to make a name for herself. Well, she made a name for herself, alright.... this year, everyone who got her was rolling their eyes at the first PTA meeting.

She was just too narrow-minded and full of herself.

Now, after saying that, I will tell you that DS still corresponds with his first grade student teacher at Christmas time. He's in 4th grade now. I'm sure that she was the first year teacher that I'd hoped for when I found out that he got one last year.

 

[Miller1412]

Please be nice to first year teachers We're people too (I know you weren't overgeneralizing all first year teachers. Just teasing you.)

OP, your kids are ADORABLE!!!

Thanks, they're for sale...Cheap! Good luck in your first year. My mom taught before me and I'll always remember her telling me my first year, your first year is your hardest, because you have the most to prove. It's so true, but you earn respect of parents and peers quickly and the kids love first year teachers the best!! Just keep your head up and act like you know what you're talking about and in a few years, you actually MIGHT know what you're talking about.

 

[SRUAlmn]

Thanks, they're for sale...Cheap! Good luck in your first year. My mom taught before me and I'll always remember her telling me my first year, your first year is your hardest, because you have the most to prove. It's so true, but you earn respect of parents and peers quickly and the kids love first year teachers the best!! Just keep your head up and act like you know what you're talking about and in a few years, you actually MIGHT know what you're talking about.

Aw, thanks! It's definitely an experience. An expensive one $$$$$

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, first, I would like to note that we are only hearing one side of the whole thing? From you posted, you didn't really give any definitive example of exactly what you stated, and what the parents reaction was.

It is entirely possible that it is a very bad case of miscommunication! Sometimes when faced with information that causes concern, people react in different ways.

You mentioned that you tried to express your concerns. But, did you lay out a positive plan of action. If not. Then that is the whole problem. When people have a problem, they don't want a laundry list of concerns. They want to know what the next step is!!!! This is imperative. If you did not do this, then just what did you expect the parent to do??? Sit there and join you in going on about how badly their child is doing?

As a parent, I have to say that I had just the exact OPPOSIT happen with my DS teacher last year. He was having major difficulties. ( I finally, personally, took DS and had him evaluated and he was diagnosed with a serious learning disability) The teacher spent the entire year ignoring my desperate pleas for help!!! Her whole plan of action was to sit back and watch my DS FAIL! "He is just not 'ready'" she said. "He will do better next year when he is held back to repeat" HUH!!!!! So a teacher spends an entire school year watching a perfectly wonderful and intelligent and mature child FAIL!!! (Yep, another one of the well known 'High and Mighty's.)

Anyhow, that teacher most probably thought that I was thinking that my child was a possible 'class valedictorian' because I was trying to say that my son is a smart, well-behaved, child... There has to be a problem here. Well, obviously, Ms. High and Mighty was NOT hearing that I felt that her approach was contributing to the problem. So, I am sure that to her, I was just another one of 'Those Parents' who thought that my child was just wonderful, when to her, he was just not able to even pass muster.

It is hard to tell from your short post. But, I am thinking that it is time to write up your concerns in very very simple language. Also requesting another conference, with the principal or counselor, or 'somebody' present. Make sure that it request that the memo be signed and returned. And that there is some way for the parent to select a convenient time for another conference.

Here would be a simple example.

Dr. Ms. ____________

Thank you so much for coming in for our parent-teacher conference
I felt that we did not have adequate time to cover these details. so I am sending this to you to keep you well informed of your childs progress.

In our ___ grade curriculum, we have many goals and objectives. I feel that your child may be struggling with the following skills/concepts.

In math, the students are mastering __________. Your child demonstrates difficulty with ___________.

In reading, the students are mastering ________. Your child demonstrates difficulty with _________________.

I think that it will be very helpful if we consider ____________ plan of action. This may help your child succeed to their potential. : )

I would like to schedule a conference with you, and include Mr.___________ the school counsler/principal/resource teacher/ etc. I have suggested some times below that I hope you might find convenient. If these will not work for you, then feel free to contact me and we can make arrangements.

Please sign and date below, and return this to me as soon as possible.

I look forward to seeing you again.

Sincerely,
Ms. ____________________________


Parent signature ____________ Date _____________

 

[nwdisgal]

Thanks for all of your responses. I actually sent her a letter before the conference when interim reports went out. She got the interim, and returned it with a little note "should I be worried?" and asked me to email her. I emailed her with specific things that needed to be worked on, and absolutely let her know that she could achieve the skills she needed for success, but it would have to be a teamwork approach. No response. I even sent out a follow up note home, no response.

Please, don't get me wrong. I ALWAYS start with the positive. I believe that every child has multiple strengths, and I've never been known to be negative with kids or parents. But at the same time, I have to be honest about the problems that the student is having, or I'm doing her a disservice. I can't candy coat the fact that she's in some real danger of getting behind.

Truth be told, I did wonder if the mom was high. She's this seriously professional woman, but it was like I was talking to a doll or something. There was just no comprehension.

I've saved copies of all correspondence with her, and I've filed them. I just don't want to get to the end of the year and still have her not hearing me.

First of all, I think it is great that you take the time to point your concerns out to the parent and go over them. That shows initiative, concern, and effort that I would certainly appreciate from my teacher. I think this parent may have been either preoccupied with something else, overwhelmed by the news, or just didn't get it (the scariest of the three scenerios). Certainly, I think a follow up letter and possibly a meeting is warranted.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay,

I just read your new post that came in where it sounds like you have tried this approach. So, on your own, that might be as much as you can do.

Is there any way that you can involve others... Counselors, Resource, Principal, etc.... Would that not be the next step?

It is still fairly early in the school year. Here, these kinds of actions are not taken until halfway thru the year. After the Holidays.

It sounds like the mother might be very 'overextended' to where she is just not focusing and comprehending. If she is a busy working mother with little time or energy, could that be the case. There comes a time when you have processed as much as you can, and can kind of zone-out??? Hhhhmmmm??? Kinda strange?

The deal is. You cannot really FORCE the parents to see things your way, or to take action. You can only do what you can do in that respect.

What would your expectations be of a parent in this situation?

 

[RUDisney]

Wishing makes some very good points, but I will add that my DD's teacher last year was amazed at how fast I made things happen in getting her the extra help that she needed. She told me that during the previous year, she had tried to get help for another child, but it took the better part of the year for the administration and guidance departments to finally listen to her plea for helping this student.

I worry that if the OP is trying to help the student, but the parent isn't listening or wanting to actively seek help for the child, if the OP is going to have the same frustrating results that my example reaped.

Maybe I just got lucky because the teacher and I were on the same page in trying to get the help that my DD needed.... it is the only reason that we transferred her to a public school since the private one, although with smaller class sizes, couldn't offer her the same assistance as the public school. In any event, I'm happy that things worked out for my DD. Between the extra attention and an eye exam that found that she was definitely lacking in her ability to track and converge followed by 9-months of eye therapy, she is doing great. She actually asks if she can read to us now. A year ago, she would have cried if we asked her to do that.

OP, is that an option for you? To get the guidance department involved with the parent to put together, what do you call them? An IEP or EIP? I'm good with computer acronyms, not academic ones, sorry. Or would this take forever as in the case with my first example if the parent doesn't force the issue with you?

 

[disykat]

Thanks for all of your responses. I actually sent her a letter before the conference when interim reports went out. She got the interim, and returned it with a little note "should I be worried?" and asked me to email her. I emailed her with specific things that needed to be worked on, and absolutely let her know that she could achieve the skills she needed for success, but it would have to be a teamwork approach. No response. I even sent out a follow up note home, no response.

You've done all the right things already. Continue to document your contacts with her and perhaps invite the principal in for the next conference. I'd also let the principal know this happened to get his/her input. I have a feeling this could be a parent that ends up there anyway claiming she had no idea and that you failed to communicate with her.

 

[Miller1412]

Okay,

I just read your new post that came in where it sounds like you have tried this approach. So, on your own, that might be as much as you can do.

Is there any way that you can involve others... Counselors, Resource, Principal, etc.... Would that not be the next step?

It is still fairly early in the school year. Here, these kinds of actions are not taken until halfway thru the year. After the Holidays.

It sounds like the mother might be very 'overextended' to where she is just not focusing and comprehending. If she is a busy working mother with little time or energy, could that be the case. There comes a time when you have processed as much as you can, and can kind of zone-out??? Hhhhmmmm??? Kinda strange?

The deal is. You cannot really FORCE the parents to see things your way, or to take action. You can only do what you can do in that respect.

What would your expectations be of a parent in this situation?

I hear you, and I did like the layout of your letter. I kind of felt that it was difficult to proceed as much as I wanted into strategies for helping this child because I wasn't getting a response. Not even body language that told me she was concerned. It is early in the year. I am in no way ruling this kid out as a failure. But the earlier we can tackle this, the better for the girl in question. She's young and she could absolutely be a late bloomer. Children develop at so many different levels. My biggest concern would be that she doesn't proceed to the level that she can be promoted, and then this parent is in total disagreement or shock, because she hasn't heard me all along.

Basically, I want this parent to work with me to help this child find success. I want to know that we are together in this and that we are on the same page. I'm not looking to be the boss or anything like that, I just don't want this little one to slip through the cracks, if that makes sense.

I do appreciate the advice, and you are right on about support staff being in on the next one. Report cards are due in the next month. I'm going to keep her posted weekly on the little one's progress and document, document, document. Report cards will give us a good reason to meet face to face again. Perhaps if support staff is in on it, she'll take it a little more seriously.

I'm really not worried about protecting myself...I've been doing that all along. I just want to help this kiddo the way she deserves to be helped.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I just read this quote again in Disykats post... and it really jumps out at me and really is the point of my earlier post.

The OP writes.... "I emailed her with specific things that needed to be worked on".

Sorry, but just what is a parent supposed to do with that??? That is not a positive plan of action. That is just reiterating, again, that these are the things that are 'problems'.

If these are academic deficiencies, then it is up to the school to help the child. (ex. there is NO way that I personally and independantly could overcome my DS academic difficulties... and if I were a busy working parent.... then even more impossible!!!!)

Where is the positive plan of action?
What are you expecting of the parent?

 

[Wishing on a star]

This thread is moving too fast!!!!!

To the OP.... Thanks so much for your mentioning my post!!!

I know that I am typing fast here, and that I am coming off as, well, VERY DIRECT... But, please do not misread!!!! No offense intended at all!!!


And, edited to add.... back on-topic...
Believe me, I DID, as a parent, bend over backwards helping and supporting my DS for the whole entire year last year!!!

 

[SRUAlmn]

Oh please, oh please, let's not let this turn into yet another teacher bashing thread Let's just try to help the OP and offer positive, helpful suggestions