I need to talk with DD16 about dating (She is in her first "real" relationship). She and her boyfriend need to have some limits set. Here's what I have for my talking points so far.
I think that if I have this conversation with her, it will be easier for her to have the confidence needed when it's necessary. She needs to know what to expect in regards to dating and how she can a) prevent any unexpected situations, and b) know how to deal with things if they happen to find themselves pushing the limits.
Boundaries: They may hang out in the public places of our home. They may not hang out in the game room unless others are in there too. He is not allowed in her bedroom. She may not have male guests over if there is not a parent present. She may not visit his house if there is not a parent present. She must remain in the public areas of his home as well.
Respect: They must both respect each other. They must not accept or inflict pressure on each other. If one is unsure of the other's feelings on a matter, then they must back off.
Being safe: If you are not ready to be safe, then you are not ready. Intimacy is certain to change the dynamics of a relationship. If you are not ready for that change, then you are not ready.
Privacy: Intimacy occurs within a loving and committed relationship between two people and only two people. It is not something to be discussed with your friends, ever. As you well know, your friends will tell other people too (DD has told us about a friend of hers that has gone wild with her behavior...can't believe DD told us, but this is evidence that anybody will tell what they know). You do not want others knowing these details about you. Talk about embarrassing! If you are not 100% certain that intimacy and privacy is guaranteed, then you are not ready.
Thoughts?
My mother never talked to me about dating relationships. I did not understand that things can go from 0 to 60 in a second. I did not know how to slow things down, or stop for that matter. I did not have the confidence needed to make good decisions and I gave in to pressure.
I want my DD to at least know I'm on her side about these things.
My daughter dated a 20 year old when she was sixteen.
Here's what I told her (similar, but slightly different...).
Boundaries: First I asked her if she wanted to have sex with this fellow. Because sex IS legal at her age, in our country. She said she did not. So, I then told her that I could set some rules around being alone with him, and that she was welcome to blame it on me being "strict". Not only that, she was free to come up with any more rules she wanted, and I'd take responsibility for them all. In essence, she was absolutely forbidden from doing anything she didn't want to do. The rules we came up with were the same as yours, but she helped create them.
Respect: As I wrote in another thread, we'd been talking about respect since the children were small. And modeling it. I'd already established clearly that our kids did not have to stay anywhere, or put up with anyone, who wasn't treating them kindly. They've always had the right to walk away, and we've always supported them. Even school attendance was a choice, not an obligation. (Surprisingly, perhaps, they both chose to attend school and took their learning very seriously.)
Being Safe: I taught sex ed in our church, so by sixteen my daughter knew more than most people about condoms, birth control, STIs,
consent, etc. Heck, she's currently in Health Science in university and miles beyond me when it comes to certain health topics, that I still have difficulty wrapping my head around.
Privacy: I couldn't possibly tell her that intimacy only occurs between two people, because we know people in open and poly arrangements. I also would never tell her not to discuss it with her friends, because I know how much I learned in honest open conversations with my female friends. Talking to friends is often a great way of establishing if things are normal, good, right or going terribly wrong. Should he do this? Should this hurt? I know that there are often things young people are not comfortable asking their parents. Rather than tell her not to talk about sex, I told her that I expect her to always be kind and respectful of the people she chooses to become intimate with. Given she's a kind, respectful person in general, I wasn't worried.
She should talk to her partner (ALWAYS talk to your partner!), about how much she's sharing and how much he's comfortable with her sharing. Also, how much he'll share about her. I also told her to assume others will talk about you, so be open and comfortable with your choices. There's no shame in having sex. There's no reason to hide the fact that you've had sex. That said, if you live in a place where the consequences of people finding out you've had sex are dire, then it's likely best to simply not have sex, versus trying to keep it a deep dark secret.
What I DID tell her is that sex complicates things. It involves making yourself vulnerable to another person, and trusting them with your mind and body. Be deliberate in your choices.
And I added one more (though we'd discussed this years earlier)...
Consent:
Either person has the right to say no, stop, at any point, for ANY reason. There's no such thing as "we've gone too far to turn back now". Everyone deserves to be listened to, and respected. That said, be aware of the non-verbal ways people have of asking, "Can we have sex?" Stuff like, "Do you want to hang out at my place this evening? Just the two of us?" And if you aren't prepared to consent to sex, then be careful you don't accidentally give the impression that you are saying yes. Also, in general, it's a bad idea to make yourself vulnerable (ie, by getting blind drunk, or stoned, or being alone/isolated in some circumstances).
