Taking SS to WDW & x-wife keeps degrading our trip

[TigerB]

Here's our newest problem with DH, BM (the ex-wife), SS who's 4, and me: we are taking SS to Disney World in Feb (our first major trip with him anywhere) and trying to get him excited about going. SS was getting excited and of course, BM heard of our planned trip (not that we were keeping it from her). So now, out of the blue - BM is taking him to DineyLAND and is competing with our trip for his attention/excitement. BM keeps degrading our trip to SS -- telling him now that SHE is going to take him to DisneyLAND and it's *much* better and our WDW trip is stupid and now the SS is bratty when he comes over. He's smug and fresh like, "So, California is going to be better." DH & I are getting saddened/mad that SS is being bratty about this and showing us he doesn't care about going. I know when we finally get there in Feb he will like the trip and have fun going but until then, he's leaving a sour taste in our mouth ever other weekend and he's over. We are so mad at BM for making SS think he has to choose over which trip is better. Whenever SS makes a fresh comment like, "Well CaliFORnia will have that too and it will be better" we try not to get even at all and just tell him "Yes, they have the same thing! It's great you will see both..." or something neutral/non-bashing like that.

Anyone have any tips though on how to deal with something like this?

 

[Gillian]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this!

I don't have any experience specifically, but there have been lots of cases here where family members are NOT excited to go for many reasons, no matter what we dis addicts do to get them into it. So we experts plan a fantastic trip without a lot of input and everyone has a great time, regardless of expectations (well, usually)!

I think it might be good to stop trying to compete. It will create ill will all around. Maybe if you don't talk about it at all, even to try to build excitement, some of the pressure will drop.

There are a lot of issues here. Try to think about it from a future good will point of view as well. You have a lifetime to share with SS and the ex, so don't let this first big experience set you all up for future problems.

Best of luck!

 

[Gillian]

PS a 4 year old is going to have a great time! If DL is first, that's even better for you because it'll help eliminate some of the character fear that the little ones sometimes have. You have to ease into that with some kids.

The Disneyland sing along songs video is a good overview of the magic kingdom & disney land parks. That'll help get ss excited without being region specific.

 

[momloveson]

Hi,
I'm a child of divorced parents and when I was young my father used to pull that sort of stuff on me all the time. . Father tried so hard to make me love him more....I just got stuck in the middle and ended up resenting HIM for it----big backfire. My mom never "took the bait" though and I'm so glad.

Don't worry about him being "excited" or her stealing your idea. Everything will work out and you'll ALL have a good time.

We're going with our 4 year old and here's how he's gotten excited:

I do searches on the disney sites with him. He see's the pictures and will say stuff like "Is THAT at disneyworld?" Yep I say. He is thrilled. If SS asks if certain things are at disneyLAND, be honest. But I'm sure you can find plenty of sites that pages that are about disneyWORLD in particular.

Didn't notice where you're from, but here's a good time to show him where Florida is on the map. He's young and may not "get it" but then again, he may. Our son has traveled cross country in the car and knows Texas from Virginia. We often talk about it taking us 3 days to drive to texas, 1 day to go to Virginia. 6 hours to New York, etc.

We've got a countdown for him. He calls the day after today a "sleep-out". So, we've got 29 sleep outs until we leave, 28, etc.

Put together a package of special trip things for your trip. These can be as simple as printed games from the internet or coloring books, stickers, bubbles. Nothing expensive (lets face it, preschoolers like $1 things as much as $20 things). Perhaps you can make a list of things you'd like to get and then take SS with you to buy them....not all at once though. Great bonding for you. Then, put each thing in a special trip bag.

Believe me, don't get caught up in feeling you have to compete with the ex. It may not be right what she's doing, but you have no control over her. You can, however control your attitude about the situation, and your SS will appreciate you all the more for that as he gets older.

Good Luck and have a blast together.

 

[bethbuchall]

For the time being, I would stop trying to get him excited about the trip. If you do talk about it, focus instead on how much you are looking forward to getting to take him on a trip. February is a long time off for a 4 year old, and I'm sure that he will be excited once it's time to go. For now, focus instead on the exciting things that life has to offer in the meantime...get excited about the change of seasons, Halloween, Thanksgiving. Use your weekends together to make decorations, bake special treats, take hikes. All of these things are so much more immediate and real to a 4 year old than a trip to someplace he can't quite imagine months away. I'll bet he will be more excited for your trip to Disney World once he has experience Disneyland. Then the whole trip will be a bit more concrete in his mind.

Congrats to you on not stooping to BM's level!

 

[Mortlives]

You don't say if he'll be doing DL first. I'm kind of worried about that. I'm told there are better versions of some of the rides at DL, but WDW is magnitudes larger with lots more stuff. Is SS staying on property at both?

My concern would be the big disappointment he's in for if he goes to DL last, and it's not better than WDW to him. You might want to raise that possibility to BM, 'cause that will backfire on her bigtime, and that's not in the child's best interest at all.

Meanwhile, I wouldn't talk WDW up or down. Ignore any slagging the child does. It will be what it is when he gets there, and maybe all the lowered expectations will really cause him to blow a gasket (in a good way, I mean).

Kungaloosh!
Morticia.

 

[disneymom3]

I think what you are telling SS so far sounds really good. I would emphasize in my attitude with hime that he doesn't need to choose. As he grows older he will realize that you are not putting him in that position but his mom is.

Plus, remember that you are talking about a 4 yo here. He is going to simply reflect back to you what he is hearing at home. These are not HIS ideas that are coming out of his mouth. When talking about wdw with him (though as another poster said, I would limit that a lot until at least January) just respond as you have--in a positive way that "yes, that is the same or oh that is different. You will have to tell us what is different when we go. " Or, "Wow, you are such a lucky boy to get to see DL AND WDw! That is pretty exciting." Communicate to him that it is okay to like both! He is obviously not getting that message at home so you need to make it clear. No choosing needed, just lots of fun for one little boy.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Originally posted by bethbuchall
For the time being, I would stop trying to get him excited about the trip. If you do talk about it, focus instead on how much you are looking forward to getting to take him on a trip. February is a long time off for a 4 year old, and I'm sure that he will be excited once it's time to go. For now, focus instead on the exciting things that life has to offer in the meantime...get excited about the change of seasons, Halloween, Thanksgiving. Use your weekends together to make decorations, bake special treats, take hikes. All of these things are so much more immediate and real to a 4 year old than a trip to someplace he can't quite imagine months away. I'll bet he will be more excited for your trip to Disney World once he has experience Disneyland. Then the whole trip will be a bit more concrete in his mind.

Congrats to you on not stooping to BM's level!

This is very good advice (all of it on this thread is good.) 4 year olds can be very snotty, I have a 4 year old niece right now that is driving me nuts (mostly because my 3 year old DD likes to copy everything she does.) Try not to let SS attitude and BM's attempts to be the more loved ones steal any of the magic from your vaction. While you are exctied about it now, hold off until it is closer. Let him know it is ok to like both, that DL doesn't mean you can't like WDW.

 

[F1Julie]

I would put a positive spin on the whole situation and tell SS that he is so lucky because he gets to go to DL and DW. What could be better than that? I'm a divorced mom of a DD4 and though I take her to WDW a few times a year, her father has yet to do so. She'd love to get to go twice as much by going on trips with each of us. I realize BM isn't helping the situation, but from your end, I would just keep telling him how lucky he is.

 

[SnoWhiteRabbit]

Don't worry about telling him you'll have a good time at both, etc...I would focus on what's really important: WE (you and your partner) can't wait to SPEND TIME WITH YOU...vacation is going to be great to be TOGETHER no matter where we go, etc. Let BM harp on this is going to be better, etc... He may not realize now, but the messages (yours and hers) will come through loud and clear in the long run -- down the road. Sad for the child though, that that's her motive

Good luck.

 

[aquidneck]

Start renting or checking Disney movies out of the library. Just so there is some sought of connection. Even if there's not you've spent time together watching a movie. You x may be pulling a big on. She may not be planning on going to DL and will blame it on you. Focus on the task at hand. It's the little extra that will make it special. My oldest went when he was 5 and you'd ask what his favorite thing was and he'd reply the swimming pool. Pick up a few blow up flotations tubes or animals and stick them in you're luggage. I picked mine up for 75% off at the grocery store. Take alot of pictures. You'll be able to look back at all the fun things you did. Enjoy it! When he rants how the other ones better say that's nice and move on. Good luck!

 

[detective mickey]

i have been divorced a short time( 5 mths) divorce has been good/bad/ugly/ok/bad/good/etc. its been one hell of a roller coaster.

however, throughout all of this, we have tried to maintain consistency with our child(13 yo)

myself, ds, dn,gf, her fam , brother and his fam are going together for our annual trip.in a month. . at first ex dw was upset. we talked and decided to buy seasonal passes for every one. i purchased hers today. now she and ds can plan their own magical times together.

it was my decision to do this because she is his mother and i want them to cherish their time together as well, on as equal of a playing field as possible... no competition. I received a lot of flak about this from my family and friends because she has been less than amicable at times which has been understandable. i dont take our disagreements into account when i make those kinds of decisions, even when she or i act in an unkind manner. its difficult to be an adult throughout a divorce.

 

[LuvN~Travel]

Or...(evil thought here), help your SS 'plan' his trip to Disneyland, too. Show him the things about Disneyland and WDW. Give him all sorts of thoughts about what to do in Disneyland. In the long run, he'll be more informed about both, enjoy both, and you may get the satisfaction of driving the 'ex' nuts!
Have fun despite the ex.
Kim

 

[dbal]

I'm a sm to 2 teenage sd's and we have been going to WDW since they were 4 & 5. They also go with their mom too.


Try not to let his attitude get to you. At this point if the trip isn't until Feb., I wouldn't talk up the trip too much. 4 months to a 4 year old might as well be 4 yrs.
I dealt with alot of nastiness in the beginning as well. My best advice is ... no matter what - rise above it. Your stepson will never remember much about not wanting to go on your vacation, but he will most likely always remember somebody putting down his mom.

As he gets older he will realize that you and his dad are the real deal. My sd's always tell me how much it means to them that we speak highly of their mom & stepdad. Apparantly they don't reciprocate and the girls carry that baggage around with them.
You will have a great trip!

 

[logan1_2000]

I am an attorney with one of my state's most respected family law firms. These shenangans that the boy's mother is pulling by scheduling the DL trip is typical, but talking down WDW is really reprehensible. Think about it--a mother is making a son's trip to WDW something other than a treat. I think she rhymes with "rich". Kudos for the ability not to be dragged down, and the best suggestion I saw was to show enthusiasm for the DL trip--hey, its a fun trip and DS is lucky to be taking it, and also lucky to get to go to WDW, too. Shame I can't say that all this proves he has two parents who love him--all it appears to prove is that the ex needs help. Similar preemptive rival cruise was planned by the ex of one of my firm's attorneys. I just had a conversation with a client today about similar cr*p from an ex.

Best wishes for the strength to continue on the high road. 4 year olds might not recognize it, but it will be in the child's best interest in the long run--better to have one parent's household acting with that interest than none.

 

[FOV]

Originally posted by LuvN~Travel
Or...(evil thought here), help your SS 'plan' his trip to Disneyland, too. Show him the things about Disneyland and WDW. Give him all sorts of thoughts about what to do in Disneyland. In the long run, he'll be more informed about both, enjoy both, and you may get the satisfaction of driving the 'ex' nuts!
Kim

This is exactly what I was going to suggest! Have your son "teach" you about Disney Land - and be genuinely interested and excited for him - even when he reminds you that it is so much better than WDW. Just say things like "Wow, I wish I got to go to Disney Land, it sounds like a lot of fun!" This way your son will see that you aren't competing and it will take the pressure off him to "prove" to you that Disney Land is better. If your son is built up for DL then maybe HE will have a better time. You know he is going to love WDW!!!! It will be good for your ss to know he can talk to you about something that is really exciting and special to him. Remember - he has no clue about what Disney is all about - even after seeing movies etc... you really have to experience it.

Put WDW on the back burner for now (with the evil ex you really don't have a choice!) - beside - 4 months is an eternity for a 4 year old.

 

[TupperMom7]

When SS is over for the weekend, maybe you could avoid talking about Disney World. As you stated when he gets there he will have a terrific time, though he still may compare some things to Disney Land which is only normal for anyone who has been to both.
If he brings the subject up and says that Disney Land is better or will be better, just tell him that he might be right that Disney Land might be better and drop the subject. Sounds like he is pushing your buttons and the reaction he gets from you will only make it worse.
JMO of course as I am not there and I don't know your family, but I know how kids that age are.

 

[Michele26]

I am not trying to be controversial but .....

Your ex is certainly doing the wrong thing since the happiness of the kids is always the most important thing BUT I know what it is like to be on the other side of this story. After my divorce I felt how unfair the situation is to everyone. All week I cleaned and cooked and worked full time and did the laundry and tried to help the kids adjust to the divorce and do their homework and eat their veggies and encouraged them help around the house, juggle the bills and the college fund, drive to all the lessons ...and so on and so on and on the weekend the ex came and took the kids for a movie and pizza and they thought it was great...not like boring old Mom who was always saying do homework, go to bed and other not so fun stuff. Your ex is probably insecure...try talking to her about it and reminding her that your child is the important one in all of this.