Tacky or Not? Vow Renewal Questions

[MouseEarsJenny]

DH and I read this over, talked it over, and thought it over. We've decided to shelve the idea of a vow renewal. We're not really center of attention sort of people, and we just aren't sure if all of our friends and family would enjoy the party we are planning. Once some of the posters pointed it out, we realized it could definitely be seen as a "neener neener, we stayed married" to some of our friends and family who haven't. Plus, if opinions on vow renewals vary this widely among total strangers, they probably vary among our acquaintance as well!

The party with the surprise vow renewal sounded intriguing, but we're not sure how we could pull off a party for that many people and make it seem like it was for no particular reason. Plus, the element of surprise makes it just a wee bit embarrassing - having to stand up and make explanations.

We're still romantics at heart, so we completely understand the many posters who have encouraged us to go for it. Our wishes tell us to go for it, too, and we would be happy for any couple we know who choose to renew their vows. I just think we would be personally uncomfortable wondering how our guests truly felt about it.

One thing surprised me, though. I truly wanted a variety of opinions, and as you all rightly pointed out, I asked for it! That being the case, I was very chagrined to discover that one opinion did end up making me feel offended. DH and I have never broken our marital vows, and neither of us believe in divorce at all. The idea that some might think we were renewing our vows because we were unfaithful or on the brink of divorce shocked the heck out of us, and put the final nail in the coffin of this party.

Thanks again, so much!!! And for the romantics out there, we'll have the most amazing "honeymoon" to compensate for our lack of a big wedding! And that works out just fine.

 

[crz4mm2]

I am sorry some people made you change your mind.
DH wanted to have the big party/vow renewal on our 25th. I thought it was a dumb idea why spend all that money?

So fast forward to year #30..... we went on a cruise with our kids and my bff and her DH. We had our vow renewal on board ship and it was fantastic.

It never occurred to me that someone might think we had "broken" our original vows.. hummmmm. weird.
Nope, we wanted to say how much we STILL love one another and that is what we did. Not a huge party though, just our close friends and our kids. (who were 21 and 29 by the way).

 

[tonilea]

I think an intimate vow re-newal on your cruise could be very romantic. Kids present, if they are going with you. LOL And I said I wasn't a fan of VR.

 

[walden]

DH and I read this over, talked it over, and thought it over. We've decided to shelve the idea of a vow renewal. We're not really center of attention sort of people, and we just aren't sure if all of our friends and family would enjoy the party we are planning. Once some of the posters pointed it out, we realized it could definitely be seen as a "neener neener, we stayed married" to some of our friends and family who haven't. Plus, if opinions on vow renewals vary this widely among total strangers, they probably vary among our acquaintance as well!

[Snip]

One thing surprised me, though. I truly wanted a variety of opinions, and as you all rightly pointed out, I asked for it! That being the case, I was very chagrined to discover that one opinion did end up making me feel offended. DH and I have never broken our marital vows, and neither of us believe in divorce at all. The idea that some might think we were renewing our vows because we were unfaithful or on the brink of divorce shocked the heck out of us, and put the final nail in the coffin of this party.

Thanks again, so much!!! And for the romantics out there, we'll have the most amazing "honeymoon" to compensate for our lack of a big wedding! And that works out just fine.

Awww. You are a fantastic couple after my own heart. I bolded some stuff above though because I'd like to talk about some of it a little.

"We are not a center of attentional couple" -- we are not either, so we totally agree.

It could definitely be seen as a "neener neener, we stayed married"[/

That concept made me say ouch! Please, people. Marriage is not all a bed of roses. It is hard work. Some marriages do break up and (I at least understand why and provide support and sympathy) but some couples manage to battle through and end up happy. If your marriage did not work perhaps you could help some of us celebrate success without bitterness. Does this mean I don't get to celebrate my wedding anniversaries either? We are working on Ruby (40 years) at the moment. We have always celebrated privately (dinner for two) before now, but if we make GOLD (50 years), we would like the kids to throw a mini-celebration for us. Is that "neener-neener"??

"The idea that some might think we were renewing our vows because we were unfaithful or on the brink of divorce shocked the heck out of us, and put the final nail in the coffin of this party."

This one shocked the heck out of me too. I might think that I said those vows once and that was enough, but *reaffirming* those vows can be very meaningful. We survived many stresses (primarily caregiving for our respective parents a couple of whom made enormous efforts to break us up during the first 10 years) but cheating has never been in the picture.

we'll have the most amazing "honeymoon" to compensate for our lack of a big wedding! And that works out just fine.[/QUOTE]

Absolutely! Have a wonderful honeymoon! You are are very sweet couple.

ETA to try to fix the bolding and add another thought or two.

 

[binny]

wow it never occurred to me that someone would think a vow renewal was because someone cheated. Thats just sad.

I think people who love you want to celebrate with you for whatever reason.

To each their own. Im sorry you changed your mind, I think you would have enjoyed it. BUT whatever you do congratulations! Staying married IS hard work and you deserve to celebrate it however YOU want to! What other people think just shouldnt matter. Especially a bunch of faceless people on the internet (myself included).

 

[disykat]

I don't think very many people have said they think vow renewal MEANS someone cheated, just that they know people who have done vow renewals in those circumstances.

I personally know two people who have done vow renewals (private ones) for that reason.

I only personally know one other couple that has done one. This one was public, but they simply did at the end of a church service on Sunday morning prior to their afternoon 50th wedding anniversary reception. It was a very nice affirmation of their life together.

I have never met anyone personally who had any kind of public (beyond immediate family) anniversary celebration for anything less than 25 years.

 

[Pigeon]

If your marriage did not work perhaps you could help some of us celebrate success without bitterness.

Well, I've been happily married for 28 years, and "celebrate sucess" with my husband every day. "Bitterness" has nothing to do with thinking vow renewals are silly, and yes, I do know people who have had (and sometimes continue to have) awful marriages who do the whole vow renewal with great fanfare.

 

[Christine]

I don't think very many people have said they think vow renewal MEANS someone cheated, just that they know people who have done vow renewals in those circumstances.

Exactly. I never assume that people are doing it because of past infidelity but I have heard of people who do it for that reason. I think I stated that I sort of understood why they might because they actually had broken their vows or their commitment and they would feel the need to reaffirm them.

I also don't get the "neener, neener" thought. It would never occur to me that someone was bragging.

I don't think vow renewals are "tacky" either. Just personal.

 

[MouseEarsJenny]

I also don't get the "neener, neener" thought. It would never occur to me that someone was bragging.

I apologize. Looking back over the thread, the poster who suggested that our vow renewal might be seen that way didn't say it would be "neener neener". They said "nanny nanny boo boo".

Actually, we realized there is a fabulous side benefit to skipping the party. We'll finally be able to afford the Conn French Horn my DH dreams of giving our daughter with the money we save. (And then maybe she'll throw us that 50th anniversary party down the road, lol!)

 

[Mickey's Minion]

We have always celebrated privately (dinner for two) before now, but if we make GOLD (50 years), we would like the kids to throw a mini-celebration for us. Is that "neener-neener"?.

You have pinpointed the difference between an anniversary celebration, especially the 25 and 50 year ones and a vow renewal.

The kids will throw you a celebration honoring your 50 years.
Very appropriate.

For one to throw themselves a big party, especially under 25 years - tacky.

Even for the original wedding, despite who actually pays for it, traditionally the parents are the ones to invite the guests and officially host the wedding for the couple. More informal weddings are a bit more common today, but the tradition was that the bride's parents threw the wedding for the couple.

And I did say nanny nanny boo boo But not so much to rub divorced couples noses in it, but more that to prance and preen and throw yourself some big wedding do-over is self-indulgent and just plain tacky. It is like saying "look how special I am, nanny nanny boo boo." Just like it is tacky to throw your own bridal shower, it is tacky to throw your own wedding do-over.

I also would go to a relative's vow renewal out of family obligation, but I would still feel they were being self-centered, silly and tacky, although nobody would ever know I felt that way. However, my guess is that there would be an equal amount of relatives huddled in the corner snickering as there would be relatives that thought it romantic.

I see vow renewals, with the exceptions of ones done in a church if the couple never had their wedding iblessed, as the adult snowflake mentality; look at me, I am soooo special. I didn't have the wedding of my dreams, so I am sooo special, I am just going to do it again so I can be a bigger center of attention.

But private vow renewals, just between husband and wife, with the kids involved if there are kids, I think are beautiful. If it really is about renewing your love for your partner, then you don't need the party. If you need the big party, then it really isn't about the vows, but about having a wedding do-over to be the center of attention again.

Only my opinion, your mileage may vary.

 

[lovepurple]

I certainly never meant to offend anyone by saying I thought people who renew their vows may have broken them. I should say that people I have known have done that. I am sure the people who you know that you would be inviting and they know you would not think that.
I guess these days with cheating everywhere you turn on the news that is what popped into my brain when I posted earlier. It was not a helpful post and I am really sorry about that.