Tacky or Not? Vow Renewal Questions

[Chelley00]

DH and I renewed our vows for our 10th anniversary, but we did it privately on our cruise this summer. We liked it that way because we have already publicly expressed our vows, and this was a private way to reaffirm them to each other, for each other. I wore a white cocktail style dress and Dh wore a suit, the ship provided flowers, the captain did vows and we got a copy of those plus a certificate, and then we got to "honeymoon" on the ship for the next 8 nights!

 

[binny]

We renewed for our 10th, Ive posted about it here a lot so I wont go into the details but suffice it to say I would do it again in a heart beat.

We were just the opposite though, we had the wedding in the church that was expected, it was a horrible time in my life so I have very little memory of it. We wanted to do something special just for us. So we took our "honeymoon" for our 10th to Hawaii and renewed our vows on the beac at sunset with just the 2 of us, the minister and the photographer.



I say you do what YOU want. Want to have the kids there? Perfect do it! Want to wear white? Why not?

Enjoy it and dont worry about what someone else might think. Just MTCW

 

[binny]

IMO, vow renewals are just an excuse to be the center of attention. But my vows didn't come with an expiration clause.

see? I totally dont understand that. I never felt that we needed to renew our vows because they expired. We wanted to renew them so we would have something special together, something that we didnt have at our wedding. Not because our commitment to each had changed, but because our lives had changed and we had grown as a couple. To each their own though.

But then Im of the school that life is to be celebrated and sometimes when you go through a really tough time you need a reason to celebrate. Why not celebrate your marriage and invite others to share with you?

 

[VillageMama]

I agree that vow renewels seem silly because vows don't expire. I renew my driver's license because it expires on my birthday. I renew my library card for the same reason. My marriage vows were for life.

I just don't understand getting up there and basically saying, "Remember how I promised to love, honor and cherish you till death do us part? Well, good news! I still mean it!".

On the other hand, I'm all for celebrating a lasting marriage. Go ahead and have a big anniversary party. But no need for another wedding gown or saying vows again.

 

[dgbg100106]

IMHO I would go with an anniversary party that celebrated your 15 years of marriage. Throw a dinner party and on the invitation you can place a dress requirement for the guests, you can wear a beautiful cocktail dress in any color you like, only wear white between memorial day and labor day and NO mention of the gifts stuff. It is different is someone were to ask you and you can pass along the "no gift please". Also, do not stress too much over it, just celebrate your marriage and your life together. Have fun.

 

[tonilea]

While I don't really think it is tacky, I am not a big fan of weddings in general. They seem highly over-rated to me. DH has hinted he would like to have a vow renewal, me? Eh, I'm good. I would rather have a big anniversary party or go on a cruise or better yet, a trip to WDW!

If I had a vow renewal, it would be within an anniverary party setting. Just a quick renewal amongst our family and friends - since no one but the guy at the old time photo place witnessed our first vows. LOL

 

[Arielle22]

DH and I renewed our vows on our 20th in Disney. It was the 2 of us and a JP. (DH arranged it as a suprise to me).

Vow renewal to me was a chance reflect on our life together and reaffirm the words we said at our marriage. We married young (22 and 19) so there was an element of "yea we lasted longer than anyone thought we would".

OP, I would not wear a white dress. White really doesn't look good on a lot of women anyway so I would pick a longish dress is a flattering color.

Alcohol: I don't think it is tacky at all not to serve any. Tacky would be BYOB (which a cousin of DH had)

Children: I think including them would be appropriate. Many people when marrying for a second time have their children from the first marriage involved so why shouldn't you?

 

[wdwfan16]

Leave the no gifts off the invite.

I would wear a nice but not a first wedding type of dress.

Normally I would not do a dry party but if you have so many recovering alcoholics it might be best to skip it.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Well, I don't think your ideas are tacky, but I'm with the "I don't get it crowd."

You were married. You stayed married. GOOD STUFF!!!

So, what's to renew? Are vows like a driver license or a library card that they expire and have to be renewed?

If you want to celebrate your joyous marriage then do it with a lovely reception at one of your anniversary dates. If you want it to be the 15th, that's great. Maybe you'll want to wait until your 25th?

Wearing dress clothes always makes the party more fancy, more formal. Wear what you please, but do remember that white bridal dresses convey one thing, and that you are not. You are not a single woman getting married. You are a married woman who managed to remain married! GET A DESIGNER GOWN!

Seriously, do what you are comfortable with, but having a beautiful party that involves being dressed nicely, and includes your children, as a celebration of your longevity in marriage sounds more appropriate to me than something that implies you need to be renewed to continue.

 

[wdwfan16]

DH and I have been married longer than the OP and I don't get the VR either. I did on for my parents years ago but they did not plan it. It seems tacky to me to even plan your own VR.

 

[Becky2005]

I think it sounds great!

 

[*pixie*dust*]

Honestly? Tacky, to make it a big event with a wedding dress. Seems sort of narcissitic and like you want a "do-over" --from the view of an outside observer.
If you, DH and your children wanted to do it privately, that is fine, if you really feel strongly about it. Make it personal and private. Others won't view it like you are envisioning.

 

[MouseEarsJenny]

It was fun reading through this thread after work! You really get what you ask for around here, so thanks!

The last thing ON EARTH that DH and I would want to do is to have our friends and family think we were trying to be the center of attention! We're actually really, really shy. So I was shocked to realize that a vow renewal might be percieved that way!

Many of you suggested making it an anniversary party instead. When I thought about that, I realized that I actually thought that throwing an anniversary party for yourself was a bit tacky. And if that's true, then I could definitely see why a vow renewal might be as well.

However, I don't think I object to vow renewals on general principle. The argument that "vows don't expire" seems to take the word "renewal" a bit too literally. I renew my vows every time I watch the sun set with my husband... but I renew them every time he drives me up a wall, too. I think marriage is a constant reaffirmation of the promises we made to each other, so a formal "renewing" doesn't mean our vows are expired, or that we've broken them, but just reaffirms publicly what we've only said privately before (or at least only said in front of 10 witnesses).

Still, after reading, I think I concur with those of you that feel like the party we were envisioning might be seen as an attention grab. Since we live out our vows every day, we don't really need to renew them. Even though I didn't get to wear the big wedding dress, I'm not less of a wife. If we don't have a party, I don't have to worry about alcohol. And if Scott and I are shy, that's got NOTHING on our kids, so they will probably be glad if we skip it. Besides, we model our relationship for them every day, so they know the promises we made to each other.

I might have to modify my ticker to ditch the renewal of the vows part...

but I'll be DARNED if I'll ditch the honeymoon part. Our Disney cruise will be the FIRST one of those we've had!

I appreciate the honest opinions, both for and against! (and the congrats on our years together)

 

[wdwfan16]

Op I think throwing your own anniversary party is tacky.

Have a fun cruise.

 

[LuvSulley]

After reading a few recent threads about weddings and etiquette, I decided the DIS community forum would be the best place for honest (maybe even brutally) opinions. My dh and I are planning a vow renewal for our 15th anniversary next year, and I'm conflicted about whether our tenative plans are tacky or not.

We married in college, opting to "elope" rather than plan a big party. I say "elope" because we did invite our parents, and had a simple ceremony with parents and siblings one fall Saturday. We were pretty broke at the time, for one reason. For another, we wanted to move out of the dorms and we had to be married to rent coed housing. So we never had the big wedding, which never really bothered us. But recently, we've been inspired to celebrate our marriage for a variety of reasons (we've been through a couple surgeries, went through some serious family chaos among our in-laws, yada yada, and still are crazy about each other).

Okay, enough background. Getting down to the nitty gritty:

Vow Renewals: Tacky or Not? (Details - about 100 guests, outdoor renewal with family minister, followed by dinner and dancing, no gifts please on invite)

Wearing a "Wedding" Dress: Tacky or Not? (Details - No train, something simple and informal, but definitely white and wedding-y)

No Alcohol: Tacky or Not? (Details - We are much better off financially, but don't need to go into debt for one party, plus there are several recovering alcoholics in our near family circle. Not to mention there are those in our church who still frown on alcohol.)

Involving Our Kids: Tacky or Not? (Not sure how I want to do this, but I know I'd like our two to at least stand with us during the ceremony)

I'd truly like any opinions! If I asked our friends and family, they'd probably say it was all fine, just because they wouldn't want us to feel hurt. I think I need more of the "friend-who-will-tell-you-when-you-look-like-a-moron" friends. Problem is, that's what my husband and I are to each other! And obviously, we're both clueless here.

I don't think any of your plans are tacky. It sounds like you two been through some rough spots and I think your vow renewal is a very sweet idea. I hope you and your family have a wonderful time!

 

[jiminyC_fan]

I love it. Perfect and beautiful. DO IT!! I went to one when they had been married probably 35 years. She wore the white gown and everything. No one in attendance found it tacky. In fact, there were plenty of tears as in first time weddings. DO IT!! Well planned if you ask me!

BTW, a white dress doesn't symbolize what it use to. Believe me, there are several girls wearing white that shouldn't if you think about it. So go white. Don't worry about it!

 

[kacaju]

Since you asked... I am not a vow renewal fan. My SIL talked about doing one for her and my Brother's 10th and I can't tell you how happy I was when they never did it!!

DH and I will be married 19 years this spring. I would rather just spend the money and go away with him...not on a party. We have 3 dd's and I cant say they would want to be a part of that either.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

Vow renewals aren't for me - that is, I had the wedding I wanted and so I have no inkling for a do over party- but just because something isn't to my taste doesn't make it tacky. Asking relatives to travel for VR or registering for gifts, that would be tacky. Throwing a party to celebrate 15 years of joy is lovely.

Perhaps you could go ahead and have the party you didn't have and always wanted, have your minister bless your union and affirm your commitment to each other, with your children standing beside you. Then dine and and dance with your family and have a great time.

One thing I wouldn't do is a wedding gown. I do think that's a little disingenious. Also, unflattering. While its true that white wedding gowns no longer signify virginity, they are really reserved for brides; you are not a bride, you're a wife, that's what you're celebrating. I'd find a beautiful gown in a gorgeous color.

Have a great time whatever you do- I like how open you are to feedback.

 

[Gwendolyn]

I think its a great idea, having a wedding (or a vow renewal) after all this time. Wearing a weddingdress.
Nothing you wrote down sounded tacky to me. But then again, i am hopelessly romantic.

Congratulations on your 15th anniversary and please have your dream wedding

 

[vettechick99]

Since you asked...

I love a good party so I think what you are deciding sounds nice!

I prefer booze for all parties , but that's obviously up to you. If you are choosing to not have alcohol, I would do your party in the daytime when it's not that big of a deal that you aren't drinking. I would not have a booze-free vow renewal at night.

I'm all for a wedding-ish dress, just be sure that it is age appropriate. I'm sure you're about my age (mid-30s?) so dress accordingly. Last thing you want is someone to look at you and think you are trying to be 20 again.

Have a great time and congrats on keeping your marriage going.

BTW, we eloped too. Not a soul knew, even our best friends. Wouldn't change that for the world!