Support Needed... How do you deal with "broken" families??

[Wazzo]

Hello,

Not to bring a downer to such a happy board, but I'm feeling the need for some awesome DIS support.

My parents are currently going through a divorce. (I'm posting on this board because I'm not sure how this is going to affect my future wedding... more on that below.) My parents have been married for 32 years, and my Mom recently found out that he had been having an affair for over a year. We were all completely devastated. My Dad admitted that he blindsided my Mom and had done nothing to improve the situation. I am dealing with it, but the relationship with my Dad is not the same. The night he left my Mom he moved in with his mistress and her two kids. They just bought a house together recently.

Whew. Thanks for listening! I know right now that my Dad's mistress is NOT welcome at my future wedding. Depending on when it happens, I'd even prefer to have my brother walk me down the aisle. I would like my Dad at my wedding, but I can't even stand the thought of him bringing his mistress on a vacation so that he can come to my wedding. I know this is selfish but it is how I feel. I know he would bring his new family for a WDW vacation, and that really HURTS. Would it be fair for me to ask him to come alone?

Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation????

Thank you SO SO much for lending me your ears and your help.

 

[lindakmonty]

First of all... I can imagine how you're feeling. Thankfully I was only 3 when my mom caught my dad w/another woman! I don't remember them ever being together so I'm sure that has made it much easier. So sorry to hear your situation. You are not being selfish at all. All my life we had to have 2 parties... one for each side of the family. And holidays... UHHH you have to run here there and everywhere. Now that I'm divorced w/a ds5... I even take my ds to my EX in-laws!!! They no longer speak to their son and we're still close !!! Crazy I know! I would tell your dad how you feel and if he don't like it, I wouldn't worry about it. It is your wedding... your day. I just got remarried April 27 and it was just the 3 of us on the beach! me, dh and ds5! It was perfect. No stress... good luck. As time passes, it will get easier.

 

[JandJ]

I am so sorry! I don't know how it feels with your own parents, I was blessed to have parents who were completely devoted to each other (mom passed last summer ). But, my DH's dad has cheated on his mom more than once. He did it again a few months before our wedding and the guilt made him tell her! For the first month my then-DF would not speak to his father or his mother - him for what he did - and her for taking him back. He didn't want his father at our wedding, but he realized that would have hurt his mom and in the end they both attended. My DH's relationship with his father is strained to say the least, but FIL is trying really hard to convince my DH that everything is fine and they should be "friends" again. DH never forgave him for the first affair and so he hasn't forgiven him this time either.

Time will help, and hopefully you can have a relationship with your father at some point. I think what finally helped my DH see that he needs to begin to forgive his father is that my own daddy has cancer and we don't know if he has even a year left.

Life is short, people make mistakes and are selfish, it hurts everyone involved, but hopefully one day he'll see how he's hurt you, his daughter, and you can at least begin to forgive him.

Big HUG

 

[ead79]

I’m so sorry. I know this must be terribly difficult.

Honestly, I would call your dad and tell him exactly how you feel. Even though you are very understandably angry, I would try to avoid being hurtful to him (since people often don’t listen well when they’re hurt). Just tell him how important this day is to you. Tell him that you love him and want him to be a part of your wedding day, but that seeing him bring his significant other would be very hurtful to you. Tell him that you aren’t trying to hurt his significant other’s feelings, but you need to be fair to yourself and to your mom and that you don’t want there to be a lot of tension on a day that is very special to you. Then see what he says. Hopefully he’ll be open to the idea of coming alone. If you decide to have your brother walk you down the aisle, then I just wouldn’t bring that issue up with your dad at all. I know it’s going to be very hard to avoid getting angry, but I think he’ll be most receptive if you can keep the hurt/anger out of the conversation.

 

[Skylarr29]

I know this must be very hard for you especially with an upcoming wedding. I can emphathize with you though. My step father and mother are going through a divorce. (my biological father passed away when I was in elementry school so he is or should I say WAS like a real father). He also was with another women and he now lives with her and her daughter. Its like instant family. They go all the places my mother had been begging my step dad to go with us. I know it may sound hard but try not to let it ruin your wedding plans. Hopefully some of the pain will go away soon.

 

[dancekm01]

I know what you are going through. My parents got divorced after 25 years of marriage except it was the other way around. My mother was cheating on my dad. At first I felt the same way you did! But my mother put it to me in a way where i could understand how she felt. She told me that she still loved my dad, but was not in love with. She hasn't been that way for a really long time. She said he was more of a best friend to her than a lover. She put your needs before her own, she raised up and now it was time for her to have the love she need. And in a way she was right. I mean it was really hard for me because I came from a family that never had a fight. We were like the all American family. Now everything I had based my beliefs on was gone. It took a while for me to get over, but I see how happy both my mom and dad are. My mom has gotten remarried and my dad has a live in girlfriend. I was really nervous for everyone to see each other for the first time and i didn't want to do it at my wedding.. Thank god my brother gradated from marine boot camp in January and we did it there. Everything went fine.. And it was weird because everyone got along. It was also 4 years after the divorce.

I know that it is really hard and I promise that everything will go better. I think you need to sit down with your father and talk. Tell him how you are feeling. I am sure that he will understand.

p.s. sorry if my spelling and grammer is off... I am at work and trying not to get caught!!!

 

[Wazzo]

Thank you SO much for your kind words and support. It has been really hard, but when I look back on how hard it was a year ago, it has gotten better. I just hope my Mom can find someone new, someone she deserves.

I will definitely take the advice to leave anger out of any conversations I may have with my Dad. I understand he may have been unhappy, and I am sorry for that, but there is nothing he can say to me that will make the affair okay. But, we will move on. Hopefully when the day comes he will be able to support me in helping my dream come true at WDW... even if the picture is a little different.

Thanks again everyone, you guys are SO awesome!!!!

 

[Rustyflwr3]

I am going through the same situation now. My parents, after 27years of marriage, decided to get separated two years ago. I always sort of though that my mom would come back to my dad, but two weeks ago she decided to finally file for divorce. My dad and I are like best friends and my mom and I dont have that good of a relationship, so the separation and pending divorce has really taken a toll on our current relationship. As far as I know neither of them had affairs, but their relationship just didn't work out. It's really tough watching their relationship end while I am in the middle of planning my wedding.... SO, no I dont think that it would be rude of you to tell your dad that you want him to come alone. I don't know what I would do if one of my parents thought about bringing theri "new family". I hope things get better, but I would just suggest talking to your dad and telling him how you feel. Good Luck and you will always find around here when you need it!

 

[heatherlynn444]

first of all, I just want to say I think it is so awesome that ppl can come on here with their concerns and have a support system of mostly strangers that are so ready and willing to help! I give everyone a pat on the back!

I personally can't relate but DF's parents had a huge falling out years ago over issues but still live in the same hpuse for his brothers (little brother's) sake. it is so stressful b/c they put on this front like its all ok but they wont even speak to one another. we recently had an engagement party, most akward moment of my life, it made me really angry/sad/annoyed all at the same time b/c they wont even look at each other, and i dont know how it will affect teh wedding. i think family is SO important and it hurts me and makes me sad that they cannot reconcile (there was no cheating) but you must remember that even though your family structure may be different, they are stil your family, just with a diff. set up, and i am sure they will always love you! its YOUR day to shine, you dont want to look back and think you didnt have any fun b/c you were worried about this or that. I agree your dad should come alone by the way, it will be ok! smile, you are getting married in disneyworld!

 

[princessblueeyzes]

first of all, I just want to say I think it is so awesome that ppl can come on here with their concerns and have a support system of mostly strangers that are so ready and willing to help! I give everyone a pat on the back!

I too would have to second that. The people on this board are amazing- I kind of consider it as a part of the family since we all get to know everyone pretty well here.

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I would have to agree with everyone else to talk to your dad and lay it all out on the table that way it isn't a suprise to him when he finds out that you don't want the mistress and the kids there. You are not out of line for not wanting her to come to your wedding.
Remember that what ever happens it is your day and do not let anyone ruin it for you. You are the reason why people are there and it should be a celebration not a reason to hurt people. I hope things work out for the best. Here is some pixie dust for you.

 

[cjb71870]

I am one of the lucky ones as my parents have been together going on 39 years. But, my thought was I would think that if this happened recently with your parents, and if your Dad wasn't happy he could have left without cheating on your Mom, I would hope that your Dad wouldn't even think about bringing the others to your wedding. Tell him straight out! It's your day, not his!

 

[Wazzo]

Thanks everyone, you've been a great support! I can't thank you enough!!

 

[Little_Miss_Lozz]

these things are never easy. All my aunts and uncles are divorced and the kids always have to do things twice like birthdays, christmas and holidays. You just cant make everyone happy thats the sad truth of it all.
I know its a hard thing aswell im in a bit of situation - my mum and dad divorced 6 years ago (dad not the best in the world) and we dont talk now, still phones now and again but I dont want him at my wedding. I dont want to tell him as most of my family dont like him (mums not bothered with him so thankfully thats not an issue - now just the rest of us do!) but Im worried if he finds out he will want to come. First day he met DF he said he had achne and totally embarrased me. I dont want to be worried the entire day of my wedding that he is going to say something to embarras me or DF.
thats a good point about the wedding be 2 years away dont have to worry about it for a while

 

[Codie]

Hang in there!! Time is always the best healer. I think communication might be second best in that department. Dilemnas (sp?) like that suck, and it's tough too because you want to think about how it effects your relationships currently and in the future. I'm sorry that I don't have any personal experience advice...but I wish you the best!!

 

[pilgrimage]

I am so sorry for your heartache. Could you explain your hurt to him and that, given the circumstances you'd like your brother to escort you? Ask him if he'd like to host a reception after your honeymoon so he can honor you in a neutral setting. I see no reason to have to ruin your sacred day with a potentially volatile situation. Your mohther's feelings matter too and I would hate to have to sit 6 feet from him and his mistress for an entire day.

 

[allisonswonderland]

This is so hard.... My parents divorced after 27 years of mariage - dad was cheating with a lot of women - he finally left mom and did many other unforgivable things- he and I have not really talked for years. He married one of the paramores, running off to Key West, did not even tell my younger brother or me. I was in undergrad at the time. I just felt that since he did not have enough respect for us to tell us that he was getting married then I have no respect for his marriage. I have never met her and they have been married for 8-9 yrs.

I got engaged and wrote dad a letter asking him what part he would like to play if any at all in my wedding- Knowing my dad - I told my mother that he would either not be a part of it at all or would come in as the hero and offer to pay, he told me that he would pay up to the minimum of a Disney wedding, which I feel that he owes me and it really is generous. We have lunch every few weeks and I have still not met her -

Dad sprung this on me a few weeks ago.... Dad has never been real close to his family, my grandma (who still calls my mom her daughter in law) will not be able to make it down, so it will be mostly my mom's family and friends. Of Course Dad is nervous and she is probably freaking(and she should be), and we have heard thru the grapevine that she is telling people she is not coming. It would be easier on all of us if she would stay in the hotel or just not come at all, which is honestly what I think she plans to do at this point unless my dad can find someone for her to sit with who will make her feel comfortable. I feel like you should talk to your dad and tell him how you feel. Since my dad is paying, I can not really say I do not want her there. But he has said that she does not have to be in pictures or anything like that. Good luck! Let me kow if you need anything

 

[DisneyBrideWannabe]

I also know how you feel: my parents divorced after 20 years. At first I was shocked, they really didn't fight, which when I finally sat down and talked to me mom, she said was the problem. She said it was like being married to her best friend or a family member. She loves my dad but the spark was gone, which is why so many people are tempted to cheat. They grew apart and stuck with it because it was comfortable. Now my parents are a lot happier, which makes my life happier.
I would talk with you dad and explain. He probably already knows his new girlfriend is not welcome, especially since your mom will be there. On a another note, I would not write your father off and try to rebuild your relationship. What is his side of the story? You only have one father and it is easier to face the music so to say now, than someday wish you had the memories and pictures of father on your wedding day when he is gone (which happened to my mom whose father died when she was young).