Stuck between ex and dd....

[kellyg403]

AGAIN. My own fault! DD goes to college this fall, great student, great kid etc. I couldn't have asked for more. Her dad, thru the military, offered her his GI bill. She thought that was great and said yes. It has been one argument after another since. DD should be looking forward to school. I guess as part of it all she gets a monthly stipend but dad said he would disburse her an allowance out of it. She thinks he thinks she is untrustworthy, I see her point. Dad says at the very least she should be over the top grateful spouting thanks for a 'free' education..which it isn't. She will get 34k and 4 years of nursing at this school will be over 44k. Last night he sent me texts telling me how she doesn't understand his sacrifices blah blah. Really, honestly. I told him she should be grateful and I have heard her say thank you but getting on her knees and kissing his feet probably wouldn't happen. She is a teen. She knew that her stepdad and I had the money to get her through the first year and that her second year she would need a part time job etc. IT was planned. Dad isn't always reliable in certain areas, he has known he was responsible for 1/2 of her college but we (dh and I) in the financial area. Dad sees her about 6/10 days a year, has never met a teacher, been to dance recital, been to 1 marching band competition in her freshman year. At one point he lived two hours away and still saw the kids once a year. Now, he is screaming at her about how ungrateful she is. I see her digging in her toes and standing stubborn...he will be lucky if she is speaking to him in a couple days.

I finally told dd today I am sorry this is happening, the two of them did not discuss this with me when it all went down, so the two of them have to work it out. The only answer I have for her is to use one year of the bill since she only has a few small scholarships, apply for as many as she can this year and leave it alone with her father. Out of kindness she should be thankful but I understand not 'feeling' thankful with so many strings attached. Don't talk to me about it again.

I really really feel bad for her but at the same time, I don't feel bad at all for dad. DD is seeing that he is and always be selfish. He is 'giving' her his bill but the allowance he is keeping 1/2 of for himself...to cover HIS expenses whatever that is. Last I checked mom, me, was doing all the driving and staying in hotels for orientation and checking out schools. So somehow, something that had NOTHING to do with me, became all about me..kwim. I literally want to scream at the too of them that I have made plenty of sacrifices MYSELF but nobody is rushing to thank me for raising great kids ALL BY MYSELF for the most part.

Blah...thanks for letting me vent. I just needed to say it out loud.

Kelly

 

[golfgal]

I guess the way I see it is that if he is giving her the money for college and keeps half of the monthly stipend, I would still be saying, WOW thanks Dad unless keeping that monthly stipend brings what she is getting for school down (not sure how it works). I think you two are making a big deal out of this, not Dad. She could get a part time job this summer to come up with spending money for college.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Do you think he has giver's remorse? Did he have to decide to stay in the mlitary longer? Depending where you are in the military, some military have to reup for a few more years. Maybe he thought it was a good idea and now regrets it.

I'm not trying to take his side by any means just giving a different point of view.

Personally I'd probably told my dad to stuff it if he tried to give me money. But that's a whole different conversation.

 

[Cooky]

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[dicar123]

Let me get this straight...your ex has talked your daughter into claiming the GI benefit, while allowing HIM to siphon off part of the money? That sounds like fraud. Unlikely that he will get caught, but I wouldn't want to have my fingerprints on it.

 

[MELSMICE]

For everyone's sake your daughter should either decline his offer or accept it with the terms he offered.

Your daughter should realize by now what kind of person her father is and she needs to accept it. If she does not want the stress of dealing with him then it will probably be worth it for her to work her way through school.

Agreed.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

AGAIN. My own fault! DD goes to college this fall, great student, great kid etc. I couldn't have asked for more. Her dad, thru the military, offered her his GI bill. She thought that was great and said yes. It has been one argument after another since. DD should be looking forward to school. I guess as part of it all she gets a monthly stipend but dad said he would disburse her an allowance out of it. She thinks he thinks she is untrustworthy, I see her point. Dad says at the very least she should be over the top grateful spouting thanks for a 'free' education..which it isn't. She will get 34k and 4 years of nursing at this school will be over 44k. Last night he sent me texts telling me how she doesn't understand his sacrifices blah blah. Really, honestly. I told him she should be grateful and I have heard her say thank you but getting on her knees and kissing his feet probably wouldn't happen. She is a teen. She knew that her stepdad and I had the money to get her through the first year and that her second year she would need a part time job etc. IT was planned. Dad isn't always reliable in certain areas, he has known he was responsible for 1/2 of her college but we (dh and I) in the financial area. Dad sees her about 6/10 days a year, has never met a teacher, been to dance recital, been to 1 marching band competition in her freshman year. At one point he lived two hours away and still saw the kids once a year. Now, he is screaming at her about how ungrateful she is. I see her digging in her toes and standing stubborn...he will be lucky if she is speaking to him in a couple days.

I finally told dd today I am sorry this is happening, the two of them did not discuss this with me when it all went down, so the two of them have to work it out. The only answer I have for her is to use one year of the bill since she only has a few small scholarships, apply for as many as she can this year and leave it alone with her father. Out of kindness she should be thankful but I understand not 'feeling' thankful with so many strings attached. Don't talk to me about it again.

I really really feel bad for her but at the same time, I don't feel bad at all for dad. DD is seeing that he is and always be selfish. He is 'giving' her his bill but the allowance he is keeping 1/2 of for himself...to cover HIS expenses whatever that is. Last I checked mom, me, was doing all the driving and staying in hotels for orientation and checking out schools. So somehow, something that had NOTHING to do with me, became all about me..kwim. I literally want to scream at the too of them that I have made plenty of sacrifices MYSELF but nobody is rushing to thank me for raising great kids ALL BY MYSELF for the most part.

Blah...thanks for letting me vent. I just needed to say it out loud.

Kelly

I think I agree with the dad here. From your description, your daughter sounds like she is being spoiled and selfish. Being "a teen" is not an excuse.

She should be on her knees kissing his whatever to get out of 4 years of college for only $10,000.

If you have the first year saved for her already, she is getting a free ride through all of college.

He earned that GI Bill, she did not. From the temper tantrum you describe that your daughter is throwing because she is not getting ALL of the stipend, I am thinking he may have good reason for wanting to allot an allowance. Since I am not familiar at all on how a GI bill works, I cannot comment whether it would be fraud to keep part of the stipend or not.

If she does not want it, then turn it down.

If she does want to graduate from college with less than $10,000 owed, something many, many college grads would be kissing feet for, then she has to accept it under his terms.

Actually, it sounds more like you are jealous that he can cover the majority of her tuition, while you have 1 year saved. It sounds like you are actually angry over the fact that she did not go with the "IT that was planned", but accepted a very generous offer from her dad, a man that you obviously do not like.

I don't get how her accepting the GI bill from her dad became all about you?????

I am sure you have raised wonderful kids. But how does her accepting help from her father reflect on your parenting over the years?

 

[GJM]

I think this is how my DH explained it -

There is the GI bill to pay for college and then there is additional money we would get each month.

My DH is also giving his GI bill to our DS when he goes to college.

 

[kellyg403]

To clarify, I do think dad is correct in giving her an allowance. I don't think she should get everything handed to her, hence the prior planning when we did not know if he would be paying for half as he was court ordered to do. I am just sick of hearing how ungrateful SHE is and how many sacrifices he has made. The two of them are acting like two spoiled two year olds and I am stuck in the middle when I had ZERO say in the situation.

No, being a teen is not an excuse. She definitely knows better, but I must admit in the last few months she has really gotten into the I am an 'adult' thing, causing a serious need for an attitude adjustment. And dad...he has always been one to spin everything as 'how much he has done for her'..she gets mad, he gets mad and then they both are placing me in the middle.

Is her college totally free? No, it isn't. She would have gone the first year free regardless, but that is it. So, she can avoid further confrontation by doing as previously planned. Is dad getting nothing out of the deal? No, he isn't.

And btw, she earned it too. She has a dad who has been deployed for the last 10 years at least 6-8 months out of every single year. She has paid for his 'sacrifices' too. So, they are both wrong there.

Kelly

 

[kellyg403]

I think I agree with the dad here. From your description, your daughter sounds like she is being spoiled and selfish. Being "a teen" is not an excuse.

She should be on her knees kissing his whatever to get out of 4 years of college for only $10,000.

If you have the first year saved for her already, she is getting a free ride through all of college.

He earned that GI Bill, she did not. From the temper tantrum you describe that your daughter is throwing because she is not getting ALL of the stipend, I am thinking he may have good reason for wanting to allot an allowance. Since I am not familiar at all on how a GI bill works, I cannot comment whether it would be fraud to keep part of the stipend or not.

If she does not want it, then turn it down.

If she does want to graduate from college with less than $10,000 owed, something many, many college grads would be kissing feet for, then she has to accept it under his terms.

Actually, it sounds more like you are jealous that he can cover the majority of her tuition, while you have 1 year saved. It sounds like you are actually angry over the fact that she did not go with the "IT that was planned", but accepted a very generous offer from her dad, a man that you obviously do not like.

Jealous? Hardly. We have two more children going to college within the next 3 years. I am quite certain I will be footing the WHOLE bill with the same stipulations as dd at that time. Don't worry about that. He has already explained to me that he will not be covering the boys college because he is giving it all to dd. So jealous..no. I am quite aware of what I will have to do.

I have more than one year saved, as a matter of fact I have been preparing for several years to pay all college expenses for the kids for the first two years and then 'help' the last two on my own. Unfortunately dad is not so totally reliable that I could save a little bit. Was it great he offered? Sure...great, now that money will last longer for the two boys. I won't have to save so hard. Dad is mad, he DOESN'T have any college funds saved. Basically he told me that he assumed that the kids understood they were only going to college if they had scholarships. I understand it but I don't. He was upset that they seem to think they deserve a free education. I don't think they feel deserving of it, but...if you offer one of them your GI bill and then turn around and be mad because she did not apply for scholarships because she thought she was getting the GI Bill, you should have set the ground rules first. I will give you the bill, you apply for the scholarships and the bill will cover what is left over. Somewhere in the mix, the two of them did NOT communicate and now they want me to fix it. I can't.

Kelly

 

[kellyg403]

Do you think he has giver's remorse? Did he have to decide to stay in the mlitary longer? Depending where you are in the military, some military have to reup for a few more years. Maybe he thought it was a good idea and now regrets it.

I'm not trying to take his side by any means just giving a different point of view.

Personally I'd probably told my dad to stuff it if he tried to give me money. But that's a whole different conversation.

I don't know actually, but yes this actually might be a problem as he was set to retire at 20 years this July. He didn't so I just assumed that he decided to stay in longer. We do not speak about anything other than the kids and I don't really ask personal questions.

I heard about all this in Feb. He called and said he found out he could give her the bill. She had already gotten two small scholarships, so she did not apply for any more. I did not become involved because one is an adult and one is going to the college. I assumed, incorrectly, that the two of them were communicating.

The reality is I was thinking that the two of them were setting the boundaries, discussing the needs of both parties. Duh.

Kelly

Kelly

 

[Skatermom23]

It sounds like neither you or your dd really appreciate what your ex is handing her. I think it is your job to make sure she understands what she is getting.
Keeping the stipend is not fraud and not something dd is entitled to. Personally I think you need to change your tune of appreciation and help you dd see the big picture.

 

[Skatermom23]

It sounds like neither you or your dd really appreciate what your ex is handing her. I think it is your job to make sure she understands what she is getting.
Keeping the stipend is not fraud and not something dd is entitled to. Personally I think you need to change your tune of appreciation and help you dd see the big picture.

 

[kellyg403]

It sounds like neither you or your dd really appreciate what your ex is handing her. I think it is your job to make sure she understands what she is getting.
Keeping the stipend is not fraud and not something dd is entitled to. Personally I think you need to change your tune of appreciation and help you dd see the big picture.

I don't really appreciate something that has totally caused hate and discontent. Since the week before graduation the two of them have been fighting and I have lost all apreciation for any kind gestures. At this point, I have already told her, lose the GI Bill, agree to disagree with your dad or just understand that your college experience will be like thousands of other kids getting a job and paying your expenses. I have not been telling her she should be ungrateful, she should be totally grateful. But, really in the end she would never be grateful enough for her dad. He sees her 7 days a year and she sees him 7 days a year, they speak on the phone once a month...they really don't know each other.

I texted her dad back last night and told him to just keep me out of it. The two of them are like oil and water, fix it, figure it out or revoke the bill, whatever he wants to do but he has until July 7 when I have to make the payment to the school for her tuition.

Kelly

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I was never in the military, so I am confused.

The GI bill is letting your daughter go to college. But somehow Dad is keeping some of the money?

What is this money supposed to be for? Why isn't being paid directly to the college?

 

[kellyg403]

I was never in the military, so I am confused.

The GI bill is letting your daughter go to college. But somehow Dad is keeping some of the money?

What is this money supposed to be for? Why isn't being paid directly to the college?

I only know that there is monthly stipend for living expenses. I honestly do not know all the ins and outs. I don't really know if what is being covered, dd does not know because dad hasn't really given her all the details. Last night he said that she will get a living expense but he is having it direct deposited to his account and giving her 1/2 of it to live on for the month, somewhere around 450 to 500 a month. I said o.k. Its not like I wouldn't be sending her money from time to time, or extended family members so. I will have all the details on the 7th of July. So, I don't know if that will cover dorm fees or if its extra or what??? Her dad really hasn't been forthcoming with a lot of information to me personally, as this was something between them. Only when it started to be a big argument did he want me involved.

Kelly

 

[nowellsl]

Dad isn't always reliable in certain areas, he has known he was responsible for 1/2 of her college but we (dh and I) in the financial area. Dad sees her about 6/10 days a year, has never met a teacher, been to dance recital, been to 1 marching band competition in her freshman year. At one point he lived two hours away and still saw the kids once a year.

Thankful? Really? Does paying for a kids college make-up for not being there when she was growing up? Should she bow at his feet?!

Ya know, I think you may have to be a single parent (or divorced) to understand how you feel right now, because I totally see where you are coming from! I would tell them both that this deal is between the two of them and to leave you out of it!

 

[Motherofboys]

Okay, so will the $10k per year be paid to her school directly? And then there is a monthly stipend which he would get (living expenses, books, etc) and then he said he would give her an allowance out of that?

So she would be guaranteed to get $30k of her $44k tuition covered? And you haven't heard her thank her dad for that?

Ungrateful is a good start...spoiled might be closer to it. She needs to get her head on straight right NOW, does she have any clue what it is like for kids that have to do that all on their own? Take the $44k in loans and then make big payments for 30 years?

She has issues with her dad, fine - but she needs to suck it up and be an adult and be thankful she has this opportunity. If she can't be grown up enough to do that - maybe she should work full-time for a year and see what it means to be an adult and how valuable $30k is.

It sucks that you are stuck in the middle, but what a nice predicament to be in - much nicer than those kids that are forgoing college b/c they can't get enough loans and won't have money to live on.

 

[traviesojmt]

My DH and I will be using some of the GI bill for my son's college. It never occurred to us to just hand over the stipend to our son. We will be using the stipend to help cover expenses, but I am not handing a big chunk of money over to my freshman son. I was SUPER responsible when I graduated high school, but I got crazy when I hit college. If my parents had handed me a wad of cash, I would have partied it away. I always laugh a little when parents go on about how responsible their kids are because I was always considered the responsible one too. I did way more than my parents ever knew and lost my way for a short time when I went to college.

Personally, I would be grateful for any amount of school he was willing to pay, not angry because I couldn't get more. I think that she is not looking at the big, long-term picture here. Graduating without any debt will be a huge deal in the future.

 

[nmmom95]

Wait, so he is giving your DD the I bill (conditionally) and is not paying for his other children's education at all? Do I have that right? I am going to have to agree with you, you should not have to be stuck in the middle. I do not think that she should have to kiss anything in appreciation. From what you posted, I gather he has been mostly absent. It's the least he can do for her. I think it stinks that he is not doing something for the other kids, as well.