Struggling with infertility

[Beforesunrise]

I am a long time poster here on the Dis but I created a new name for privacy. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for many months but it just hasn't worked out. After extensive testing, we found out that it's unlikely that it ever will even with help (i.e. Ivf). And I am devastated. Just absolutely devastated. I feel like I've let down my husband and that guilt is eating me alive. He tells me he loves me and that we'll get through this... But I feel so lost. I'm not against adoption. I was adopted as an infant into a wonderful loving family. I just wanted someone that was a part of me, if that makes sense.
We are the last of our friends without a child, and with each pregnancy announcement my heart hurts a little bit more. I am so happy for everybody but also jealous. And that jealousy makes me feel like a terrible person.
I don't know exactly what advice I'm looking for, maybe I just needed to vent. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

[Christine]

Beforesunrise,

I'm sorry to hear your pain, you truly do sound devastated. I have not dealt personally with infertility but I think we can all imagine what you are going through. I've had my own share of disappointments when it comes to having children that make me totally understand how you can feel like a failure when you are nothing of the sort. It's been 20+ years since something hit me like that and I can still feel/experience the emotional pain of it when I go back to that time.

These are early days for you and you are going to have to grieve this as a significant loss and that is normal. I know it must be really hard to see all your friends having children and going through the usual motions of what all that entails. They can also become a little (lot) self-centered when they are wrapped up in their own joy. Do the best you can. Also, if they are good friends, don't shut them out. Tell them how happy you are for them but how painful it is. A good friend will want to know how you are feeling.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

We were in pretty much the same boat. It was hard. I worked with nine people - yes, nine - who were all pregnant around the time I "should have been". I still remember how it felt listening to them planning for their babies. I was happy for them, but sad for us. Once we had our children, I realized the reason we'd gone through what we had was because, for whatever reason, that was the road we had to take to get them, because I do believe it was meant to be. I was always so appreciative of what we'd been given. To this day, I am still very thankful. That helps me keep things in perspective when life gets stressful.

One thing stood out to me in your post:

I feel so lost. I'm not against a adoption. I was adopted as an infant into a wonderful loving family. I just wanted someone that was a part of me, if that makes sense.

That is pretty profound, and I can understand your wanting that - not just for yourself, but for your husband. I am reminded, though, in a silly way, of what my sister used to say. "Who says our genes are better than anyone else's?" Lol. So true. Truth was, I was planning on beginning the process to adopt from China. (And strangely enough, I had to actually grieve that loss, believe it or not, once I became pregnant, because I had begun to really look forward to that!) I know it's cliche, but genes aren't what make a family, as you know all so well. Presence and togetherness and shared experiences and love are what make a family, no matter how that child comes to you. Ok so there may not be a "family resemblance" to Aunt Edna, but in some cases, maybe that's not such a bad thing! But speaking of resemblances, we donated our remaining embryos to another family, and to see them as they've grown, they look very much like their parents and siblings, which is amazing to me, but only reinforces my "meant to be" theory. (Have you ever considered embryo adoption? That might be something that satisfies your "part of me" desire, since you would get to experience a pregnancy. Food for thought. PM me if you want to talk more about it.) Anyway, the biggest thing that helped me feel better was knowing that if we still wanted to become parents despite our difficulties, there were ways other than the traditional way, and we would still get to experience parenthood. The sadness of the thought of never having children was literally lifted once I opened my heart and mind to other avenues. I hear that sadness in your post now. I hope that your posting here helps you.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Hi OP,

I suffer from infertility and will never carry a baby to birth. It's miserable feeling to think as a woman I cannot achieve the most basic thing that women should be able to do. Talk about a kick in the face and the heart. I look at my husband and think how I want to give him a part of him and I can't. We are soon to be 38 and 39 so pretty much all of our friends have had two and three kids by now. It took me alot of time and some counseling to get to the acceptance phase and I went through all the stages of grieving.

Even today every month I would hold my breath waiting for the time of month and wondering if a miracle occurred. There will be no miracle now as last week I was told I will need full hysterectomy. I'm back at square one thinking my 1% of hope will be gone. But right now I'm in for the fight of my life and I can't dwell on that loss of hope.

I really recommend you take some time for you and your husband and grieve for these dreams. I still get jealous around pregnant people but then I realize I don't think I'd like being pregnant.
I'm pretty sure my husband and I are going to adopt soon. We are right there at the line ready to sign. We think God already put our kids out in the world. Now we have to go get them and love them and make them ours. I can't wait for that journey. And if we don't have children, we are always going to be the fun Aunt and Uncle that the kids want to see on Saturday nights. I won't have to take care of them when sick, pay for college, but I do get to see them grown be loved and have fun. I could live with that too.

Take some time for yourself and your dreams. Talk about what you really want for your life. I don't know how old you are but just take a while. There's no rush. Give yourselves time to grieve and think.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand your heart break.

 

[jtobykrauss]

I just wanted to say I understand how you feel and I am sorry for your pain. I was told after several attempts of IVF I would never be able to have a baby with my own eggs. I thanked that doctor for all he had done 2 surgeries etc, I left feeling completely deflated and less whole then before that appointment in some ways. I went home and talk it out with my husband and knew that donor eggs was not for us. I started doing so research on other infertility doctors and I found Dr.Geoffrey Sher they have a discussion board like this, I signed up and lread others stories and felt less alone and hopeful. You can email questions to the doctors and they answer you back pretty quick I started there and the Next stop was a doctors appointment then my next attempt at IVF and 4 mons later we were having twins who are now 7 years old. I don't know what your medical issue is so I can not tell you that they can help but I was told there was no hope what so ever to be able to have my own children, but they were wrong. I also have to say the way they do things at Sher are completely different then other clinics they are way less stressful and very caring they treat you like a person who has feelings. My doctor was Dr.Drew and Drew is his first name and that is what he wanted to be called, my nurse was Jody and I was given her cell phone # I was told to call her anytime day or night if I needed to. Dr. Sher has clinics all over the U.S and often will work with out of state people with only needing to make one visit to a clinic for egg retrieval and implantation not sure how that works but you can look into if needed. I just wanted to give you my story and let you know that many people have been through this pain I got lucky and decided not to give up just because 1 doctor told me I was not able to, but that is me I don't like to settle for what I am told Dr.s are wrong all the time and they Don't know everything.I actually called up my old Dr.and told him that Dr.Shers clinic was able to help me with just 1 try, he could not believe it and started to ask me what they did different and wanted me to send him the regimen that I followed with them. I told him that I would help so that next time he was about to crush someone's dream of being a mother or father he would stop and think maybe there is someone who knows more then me and can Help those I can not.
If you have any questions please PM I will be happy to help. Once again I am very sorry for your pain I hope my story helps.

 

[tehniqi]

We needed a lot of intervention just to have our son and likely won't be able to have more as I won't undergo treatment again. I know I don't know the pain of not being able to hold your own child but I do have endless compassion in feeling like your body has sabotaged your having the family you dream of. It's awful and painful. I can't offer up much by way of advice, just lots of sympathy. It's ok to grieve about this, even if you eventually take another path to parenthood.

 

[joannamet]

Infertility is the most profound tragedy of my life. We tried for years to get pregnant and spent every month on a roller coaster. Thankfully, my husband was always loving and supportive. We leaned on each other and finally trusted that adoption was the right path for us. I know so many couples who lost their marriage due to infertility. Like you, I also felt jealous of sisters in law who seemed to be pregnant every year.
When my husband and I finally stood in that little room in China and they handed me our baby girl, I was healed. Since that moment neither of us have ever felt that our lives or family are less than perfect. This the daughter we were meant to have.
There are so many ways to make a family. Biology is only one possibility. Trust that you will find the path and the family you are meant to have and know that your feelings are valid. You are not alone.

 

[svecchitto]

Infertility hurts. It is one of the worst pains I have ever felt. It took three years for us to conceive. We were told it wouldn't happen, and they aren't quite sure how it did. We decided to try napro before Ivf due to costs and everything just worked. We have an amazing 2 year old daughter I thought I would be fine if we couldn't have another but it still hurts. I know what I say can't help you feel better, because honestly I have days where I can't rationalize anything. I wish the best for you.

 

[mommasita]

Beforesunrise, I am so sorry, I can feel the pain through your words. I had a best friend go through this, and I felt guilty to the core when getting pregnant. Words can not alleviate what you or anyone else is feeling, but this is a good thread I believe, just to share and be there for one another.

Hugs to everyone.

 

[NZDisneyFanGirl14]

We are planning our first trip to disneyworld after three failed IVF rounds. This trip is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. I needed to be able to spend money on something that wasn't IVF and to be able to guarantee a result for my money. After three rounds and NZ$45000 we felt we deserved a holiday. We are in New Zealand and adoption isn't really an option here (there is about 10 adoptions a year here since they try to place children with family). Overseas adoption is only allowed with five countries and I understand it's about $40k (compared to IVF at $15k). Either way, I'm hoping this Disney holiday can go someway to healing my broken heart a little.

Also with regards to OP, don't discount your feelings. They are completely valid. Unfortunately the jealousy is hard to deal with. I found it easiest to just clear out my Facebook feed of anyone pregnant or with a baby. No point in torturing myself. Do what's best for you and your partner. Look after yourselves first.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

I am so sorry that you're going through this. Infertility is so lonely and devastating. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. Many, many women have struggled with infertility. It is very common, and doesn't make you less of a woman or a failure, it doesn't make you less worthy or any of those other self depreciating thoughts I know you're having. I've been there, and while my journey and struggles to have a family were different than yours, the loneliness, isolation, disappointment, and grief were all there.

Adoption is a beautiful thing. My brother was adopted, and I am looking forward to possibly adopting someday. I know so many families who built their loving, happy homes on adoption, and it is simply amazing to see how they almost burst with joy when they bring that sweet child into their hearts.

You and your husband will get through this, there will be sunshine after this rainstorm. I know in the midst of your grief it can be hard to remember that you'll be happy again, but you will.

I wanted to add that the jealousy is totally normal. We were in our mid twenties when we started down our infertility path. So many of our friends had 1,2, then 3 babies while we were trying. I remember the sting, the pang of jealously, then the feeling like an awful person for being jealous at each new pregnancy announcement. It's totally normal. It isn't because you resent your friends, it is that it's a reminder of the dream you lost and pain of that loss. I think most of us have had those feelings during our struggles to start a family. And you smile, and say congrats, and you go to the baby showers and cuddle the newborns and you feel so happy for them, but you go home and you cry over it not happening for you.

But you know what? You will get that adoption, you will meet that child who so desperately needs a loving family, hugs, bedtime stories, dinner every night. A mom and dad who won't abandon him. And you will know that every tear you cried was worth it for that moment

Good luck to you, you will get your happy ending.

 

[AnnaS]

Just wish I could give all you guys a hug!!