Stepparenting Vent

[ckret01]

I appreciate all the advice on this thread. In case anyone is curious, here's what we have decided to do. We're having a very small naming limited to close relatives and few friends three weeks after the baby is due. (Only weekend that works) Small and scaled back as who knows whether the baby will be 6 weeks old or 1 week old and who knows how I'll be feeling. SS will be there, and it will be have the meaningful religious content.

On the weekend in question in December, we'll have an open house at mom's house where people who happen to be in town can meet the baby. We're not even going to mention the change in plans to ss's mom. If she changes her mind and lets us have him that Saturday, he can attend both events. If she doesn't, he will at least be at the more significant one.

I'm about to the point where I'm just thankful this isn't a boy! Can't imagine what people go through having to plan a bris! (For folks who don't know, that is traditionally held 8 or 9 days after the baby is born, so is impossible to plan exactly)

I guess two things still don't make complete sense for me from folk's comments. And anyone not already sick to death of this thread can comment!

One, how can it not be a good thing to try to at least be on polite communicative terms with ss's mom? Especially once the new baby is here. I'm working only 75% outside the home already, so I have a lot of the practical child care duties. So when the phone rings, (to give a real example from 2 weeks ago) from the dentist's office saying they have a cancelation opening in 15 minutes in which they could fill ss's tooth, however he happens to be with his mom today, I'm not going to call my dh out of client testimony at work to call his ex to find out if she can take him.

Two, this really isn't just a matter of me putting my baby first. This is also dh's baby. And his son. And he definitely shouldn't have to put one first. And so, as a family, I wouldn't feel right looking at it that way. There are issues of balance (which I think we are acheiving with the two, very different, events) but not priorities.

I have to say that you have handled all of these comments on this thread with grace.

And for the person who said that a baby naming is not that big of a deal, I think was extremely rude. Not everyone is going to have the same opinion or feelings about the same things but if this is something that is important to someone it is rude to tell them it is not a big deal.

As far as what you are doing for your SS by trying to include him, I think is wonderful. I know many and I mean many people that don't do that and I think it is sad.

And I have to agree with you that your step son is also your husbands bio child and I think your husband is just as an important part in his life as his bio mom. Hope everything works out for you.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am quite impressed by you, OP. You sound like you are trying your best to be a good step mom in what sounds like a difficult situation.

The compromise you reached sounds like a good one. You are very kind to compromise, especially since you sound liek you are dealing with a bio mom who isn't too into compromise. I do agree with some of the previous posters who said that there may be times in your life when your DSS just won't be able to be there, unless bio mom becomes more flexible as time goes on.

And for those of you who don't blame the bio mom...sorry, I can't see making life for my child more difficult because I am not adult enough to be able to separate my feelings about my ex from what's best for our child. It's immature and harmful to a child to put him/her into the position of having to "choose". Don't care what the father did, don't care about her feelings about the divorce, don't care about anything other than the fact that the 9 year old has nothing to do with any of it and may just want to be at a party for his baby sister. Planinng something 4 months in advance....what do you mean you wouldn't be able to do it??? It's easy to plan stuff 4 months in advance...you put it on your calender and of anything else comes up you say no.

To the PP who posted that ridiculous thing about mother/son love.... please....I know sons who can't stand their mothers, don't speak to them, haven't for years and probably never will. I know daughters in the same boat. Gving birth to someone doesn't make you a mother.

OP, you sound like you are trying to be really inclusive of your DSS under difficult circumstances....someday he'll thank you for it. Continue to take the high road...kids aren't stupid...he'll figure it out.

 

[NMAmy]

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And for those of you who don't blame the bio mom...sorry, I can't see making life for my child more difficult because I am not adult enough to be able to separate my feelings about my ex from what's best for our child. It's immature and harmful to a child to put him/her into the position of having to "choose". Don't care what the father did, don't care about her feelings about the divorce, don't care about anything other than the fact that the 9 year old has nothing to do with any of it and may just want to be at a party for his baby sister. Planinng something 4 months in advance....what do you mean you wouldn't be able to do it??? It's easy to plan stuff 4 months in advance...you put it on your calender and of anything else comes up you say no.

Okay, I have a child of my own who has a stepmother and I'm a stepmother myself so I can see both sides here. I'd like to give a possible scenario from personal experience.

When my ex's girlfriend was pregnant, my dd was devastated (she was the same age as the OP's stepson.) It took a lot of talking from me to get my dd to accept the new baby as her sister. DD felt disloyal to me by being happy about the baby and she pretended to her father that she was excited but would tell me that she just knew she wasn't going to like this baby. And so I had to do a whole lot of pretend being happy about it myself to get her on board. If my ex had wanted me to commit dd to a ceremony four months in advance at that time, I would have been noncommittal myself. Of course, I wouldn't have had a problem telling my ex the reason why but I could see not wanting to hurt his feelings or the mother-to-be's feelings by telling them that his kid wanted no part of the new baby.

Also, it could be the stepchild doesn't want to go to a ceremony with a new sibling and with a whole lot of the stepmother's family in attendance. And perhaps the mother is willing to be a scapegoat in this issue to give the kid an out.

Of course, I could be totally wrong but I did want to show that the child's mother could have pretty valid reasons for not committing so far in advance due to her child's feelings, not necessarily hers.

A lot of kids in intact families are not overjoyed by the arrival of a new sibling. From the stepchild's point of view, this is someone else coming in and taking their father's attention away from them. It's kind of scarey for them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Cool! Glad you are working through this. Happy pushing!

 

[shortbun]

Great solution OP! As for being on a mature level with the ex, I applaud you and I hope she gets there. It would be best for the children involved but you really need to ask your DH, have a deadly serious talk, about what your role should be. Perhaps he'd say he wants you to call him out of a meeting to handle his son's dental emergency. I really think your attitude is great but he knows her best and it is him that needs to negotiate the relationship unless she indicates directly to you that she's comfortable. Recent issues say not.

 

[TomLovesBecky]

I would just plan it for when you want to have it. I got some advice when dealing with a similar situation for my wedding to my current husband...plan for the best case scenario, not the worst. In other words, if you change things in order for your stepson to be there, what if he's sick that day? What if he doesn't want to come or has something important like a team sport game that day (yes I know it's not as important TO YOU but it is to a 9 year old boy). You are putting a lot of pressure on his head and making this into a battle. I think your first mistake was making a big deal out of this TO HER. You could have said, my relatives are all coming from out of town that weekend and I'd love it if they could see/meet Stepson, no pressure, is there any 2-hr. period we could have him and then bring him right back? You wouldn't even have to say what the occasion is. Believe me, you will cry your eyes out that day because you didn't make it so your relatives could come, if Stepson can't be there. Odds are she will cave closer to the time, and if she doesn't, guess what? She was never going to be flexible in the first place and you would have ruined the whole thing for yourself. Just a little friendly advice from someone who has BTDT.

 

[TomLovesBecky]

See.. I feel that blended familes simply don't work, at least from what I have seen, may sound harsh but the reality is that the kid has 2 parents... period!...

if my DH remarried I know I would be a wicked witch and demand full custody until she was old enough to choose where she wanted to be (lucky for me she is 9 and I think I can stand DH for at least another few years kidding ) but regardless I wish you luck, I really do... but it can be trying, she is his mother.... and its her weekend... bottom line... she can do what she wants

Wow. That's just the nastiest thing I've ever read from a biological parent regarding stepparents, thank goodness you are not divorced and putting your poor daughter in that horrible position! I can't believe you would admit something like that, but I guess to each her own. I wonder if your husband knows you "would be a wicked witch and demand full custody" as if you don't trust him around his own daughter or want them to always have a good relationship. Oh well, to each their own!

 

[Disney Doll]

Okay, I have a child of my own who has a stepmother and I'm a stepmother myself so I can see both sides here. I'd like to give a possible scenario from personal experience.

When my ex's girlfriend was pregnant, my dd was devastated (she was the same age as the OP's stepson.) It took a lot of talking from me to get my dd to accept the new baby as her sister. DD felt disloyal to me by being happy about the baby and she pretended to her father that she was excited but would tell me that she just knew she wasn't going to like this baby. And so I had to do a whole lot of pretend being happy about it myself to get her on board. If my ex had wanted me to commit dd to a ceremony four months in advance at that time, I would have been noncommittal myself. Of course, I wouldn't have had a problem telling my ex the reason why but I could see not wanting to hurt his feelings or the mother-to-be's feelings by telling them that his kid wanted no part of the new baby.

Also, it could be the stepchild doesn't want to go to a ceremony with a new sibling and with a whole lot of the stepmother's family in attendance. And perhaps the mother is willing to be a scapegoat in this issue to give the kid an out.

Of course, I could be totally wrong but I did want to show that the child's mother could have pretty valid reasons for not committing so far in advance due to her child's feelings, not necessarily hers.

A lot of kids in intact families are not overjoyed by the arrival of a new sibling. From the stepchild's point of view, this is someone else coming in and taking their father's attention away from them. It's kind of scarey for them.

Well, I can only go by what the OP says, and she indicates that her DSS seems excited about the baby.

Frankly, you sound like you were great in trying to get your child to acceot thier step-siblings, which will only be good for everyone involved. So my gripe isn't directed at you. I just don't understand why bio mom couldn't have said
At this point it seems fine" and, as the event got closer and DSS was having difficulty with acceptance, discuss it with all involved then. Even if your guess is correct, that maybe DSS is having difficulty with accepting the new baby, in 4 months he may feel completely dofferently. Maybe he won't, but deal with it then.

The following is not directed at you NMAmy, nor is it directed at the OP:

There are many posts on here that just sound so completely selfish and immature to me, where the adults involved are in no way putting the needs of their children first. I hear vindictiveness, I hear vengeance...I hear a lot of things besides "Let's make this process as painless as possible for the kids". And I think that sucks, that kids cannot depend on at least one of their parents to be worrying about their well-being. An 8 or 9 year old isn't going to stay that age forever. Eventually they will figure out that Mom (or Dad) was a nasty, vindictive person.

Eventually, you reap what you sow.

 

[NMAmy]

Well, I can only go by what the OP says, and she indicates that her DSS seems excited about the baby.

I was hoping to give the OP and some of the posters here a little insight as to what might possibly be going on instead of automatically assuming that the mother is just being difficult. I know that my ex thought dd was excited about the baby, too, but she was putting on a pretty good act around him and then coming home and crying. While I would hope that the mother would talk with the father, some divorced couples just don't have that kind of relationship.

I have been on both sides of the mother/stepmother situation and I totally agree that taking the high road makes things easier on the child which is the most important thing. Luckily, my stepdd is a grownup but we have a wedding coming up for her which might be interesting. Oddly, her mother likes me but cannot bear DH so this causes all sorts of stress for everyone.

I agree that being vindictive is just counter-productive for all involved. I really think that the OP's husband needs to have a heart-to-heart with his ex.

 

[Wishing on a star]

plan for the best case scenario, not the worst. ..... You are putting a lot of pressure on his head and making this into a battle. I think your first mistake was making a big deal out of this TO HER. .... Odds are she will cave closer to the time, and if she doesn't, guess what? She was never going to be flexible in the first place and you would have ruined the whole thing for yourself. Just a little friendly advice from someone who has BTDT.

EXCELLENT post!!!
OP, read what is bolded above!!!!
Why are you even 'going there' with her???


I do however feel that the most important thing is for the 'immediate' family (including her step-son) to be there!!!!!

NO way would I risk him not being able to come, so, maybe, it is more convienient for EVERYBODY ELSE, including extended family, so possibly they could be there, while HE is the one excluded... How would that make him feel??? That is a complete NO BRAINER.

I wouldn't even want to let the boys bio-mother have the remote possibility of throwing a wrench in the works.

Plan this for a weekend that you know you and your husband will have custody of your step-son...

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree that being vindictive is just counter-productive for all involved. I really think that the OP's husband needs to have a heart-to-heart with his ex.

Yes, of course, as the parents of the boy, they should work this out. The step-mother should not be involved...

However, once again, this is a dream of a best case scenario.. this woman is who she is... 99% odds, that isn't gonna change just because the OP's husband tries to have a nice heart-to-heart with her...

Just remember, Payback is hell!!!!
There are sure to be times when the boy may miss things with his bio-mother because he is with his father and the OP!!!!

When that begins to happen, that may be when his mother begins to see ther error of her ways. And, even then, I very highly doubt she will change.

 

[RachelEllen]

EXCELLENT post!!!
OP, read what is bolded above!!!!
Why are you even 'going there' with her???


I do however feel that the most important thing is for the 'immediate' family (including her step-son) to be there!!!!!

NO way would I risk him not being able to come, so, maybe, it is more convienient for EVERYBODY ELSE, including extended family, so possibly they could be there, while HE is the one excluded... How would that make him feel??? That is a complete NO BRAINER.

I wouldn't even want to let the boys bio-mother have the remote possibility of throwing a wrench in the works.

Plan this for a weekend that you know you and your husband will have custody of your step-son...

Just as an FYI, I vented here, but I don't think we really "went there" with her. My husband did 100% of the communication about this issue. I have seen all the emails. Basically, there were three emails from him over a two week period. The first said that we were planning a naming ceremony for the baby and it would work well to have it coincide with a memorial event for my dad, could we have ss for 4 hours for anytime that weekend in exchange for another weekend day. The second email was a one line reminder a week later. The third was an additional week later just saying that people needed to start making travel arragements, so we would appreciate if she could get back to us.

Other folks have asked, since the main issue we have is lack of communication and questions taking weeks to months to receive answers, how those answers usually go. I'd have to say it's about an even split between yes, no, and just never receiving and answer before its too late (an effective no)