Stepparenting Vent

[RachelEllen]

Thanks for all the advice. We have come to a similar conclusion that we just have to accept that ss's mom is not going to be flexible and plans things so as not to need her cooperation.

To clarify a few things (in case folks are curious), dh has done all the communicating on this one. I've been trying to send get in the communication loop with her a little, but have kept it to noncontroversial, update type topics. (Itineraries for trips, informing about dental appointments we have scheduled, letting her know when reimbursement checks have gone out...that sort of thing.)

THere will be no sit down discussion between anyone about this, because she will not communicate in any way other than email.

And we don't want to discuss this event in any great detail (he knows the event exists, just not that we are in such planning mode) until the date is set. We don't like him to be any more involved in these kind of negiotiations than is needed. It's too easy for him to get put in the middle. We also thinks he's too young to have a discussion about whether or not he wants to come. It's up to us to judge how he is feeling and offer not coming as an option if that seemed appropriate. But so far, the vibe has been that he's really into and excited about things having to do with the upcoming birth. Can't wait to see what changes when there's an actual little person here that he has to share time with!

 

[rainy~daze]

You will have better luck getting the hospital and all your family members to switch weekends, than getting her to switch.

I agree with you saying why can't she just cooperate and it will work for her, too, in th elong run to all get along....but that is not going to happen. If she was hot headed enough to want to leave the country years ago with his son, she is not going to give up weekends.

You need to plan for what works for the majority of the people in your life that you want to be there. If it is extended family, have it that weekend and hope she will give in or if the majority of people that matter are your DH and SS then have it on your already planned weekend.

Just know this, if she says now you can switch weekends, does not mean she will stick to that in 4 months. And if you plan on a weekend you have him, does not mean she won't all of a sudden have a reason he can't come that weekend (she says he is sick when he isn't).

Let me tell you a story:
My DH has a daughter from a previous relationship (not even marriage, mind you) and when she was 11 years old we got married. Her parents were never together as a couple, not at all in her lifetime. She was to be a part of our wedding, when MIL went to pick her up, her mother said she is not coming to the wedding after all, she is going to her friends party instead. Because the mother didn't think it was a good idea for her to attend our wedding, but at the last minute. Just to be spiteful!
So the best laid plans, do not always work.
Good luck!

 

[MonicaInFlorida]

I have read all the posts and I have not read one post that was completely honest with you. So I will try to be direct and straightforward with my reply.

No matter how many times you allow the ex to have your dss during your visitation time, she (and maybe even dss) will never have the same familiar feelings to your family as his own.

There is no love greater than the love of a son to his mother, no matter how much he loves his father. Unfortunately the stepmother and biological father will usually ALWAYS factor in as second best.

I realize that my post is direct and to the point and I do not mean to cause you pain, but I think it will be a lot less painful to hear the truth now instead of always wondering "why" things don't work out the way you expect or want.

My dad can't stand his mother. She was a selfish, shallow woman who just didn't much like kids, including her own. She pretty much ignored him until she wanted to show off what a great mother she was, then made a big show of smothering him in front of whoever she wanted to impress. He's 58 now, and she wonders why he seldom calls or visits.

Just because someone is a biological parent, it doesn't mean that they get a free pass. And kids have a tendency to grow up... if a bio parent acts petty when their children are young, those children will remember it in not-so-kind terms when they become adults. Being difficult when children are young can come back to bite one on the behind.

 

[livie1205]

I am in your shoes....my dh and I BOTH have exs to deal with and they are both very hard to deal with without pulling out our hair! lol we each have a son and we have a daughter together.We have the boys about 70% of the time (should be 50% but no complaints here) and we have stopped trying to force the ex to try to make things easy for the kids ....like a few days ago my dss10 is in football (his mom signed him up after we asked her not to because we have him more and didnt have the time to take him back and forth) and it was my bday...I wanted to drive over to the beach for the day, well dss had football practice and they CAN NOT miss any or they cant play and that was the only day dh had off work so my dss had to stay with his g ma so she could take him....I made sure to get him a few things from the beach and in a few weeks I am going to make a point of going back so he can go BUT these kind of things are bound to happen.
Some divorced couple just do not get along, my dh divorced his ex so she will not do anything to help make things easy but we have got use to it....nothing you can do about them....just explain things as much as you can to the kids and make sure they know you want them around..and i am sure your stepson will love his baby sister...my dss LOVES his baby sister more than anything! he has a photo of her at his moms house in his room.....he just adores her!

 

[wdwmom2]

There is no love greater than the love of a son to his mother, no matter how much he loves his father. Unfortunately the stepmother and biological father will usually ALWAYS factor in as second best.

Where did you pull this from???? My DSS was 15 years old when he came to live with his dad and me full time, before that it was joint custody. At this point his parents had been divorced for about 2 years. Then when my DSD was the same age, 15, she came to live with us full time. During raising my 2 step-children, I treated them as I treated my own 2 children, same rules, love AND correction.

More than once, DSS has told me that I was more of a mother to him than his actual mother. Sorry if this upsets the biological mom's out there, that is not my intention, but these were the words out of his mouth, as a grown man who will be turning 28 this year.


To this day, DSS's closest relationship is with his dad. They talk on a daily basis. If he needs womanly advice (cooking, cleaning, girlfriend advice), he calls me.

One good thing is that now he does have a fairly good relationship with his mother. For a few years after he came to live with his dad and me, he wanted nothing to do with her. It all had to do with how his mother handled the divorce with his dad. We didn't force DSS to go and see her, but we did highly encourage him to do it. Thankfully it all worked out in the end, but it was a long road!!!!

To the OP, being a step parent isn't easy. Give them love and understanding. Realize there are times when things won't go your way. But in the end, do what is best for the child. They are the innocent ones that never asked to be put in this position .

ETA: I am on both sides of parenting issue, a step mom and the bio mom. My exDH has had several serious relationships over the past years. I have gotten along very well with his girlfriends. They have been nice to our children. I expect my children to respect his girlfriends the same way they respect me. My ex and I always put our children's best interests first. We don't play the "it's my week and you can't have them" game. That's just sad!!!

 

[DVC Sadie]

Where did you pull this from???? My DSS was 15 years old when he came to live with his dad and me full time, before that it was joint custody. At this point his parents had been divorced for about 2 years. Then when my DSD was the same age, 15, she came to live with us full time. During raising my 2 step-children, I treated them as I treated my own 2 children, same rules, love AND correction.

More than once, DSS has told me that I was more of a mother to him than his actual mother. Sorry if this upsets the biological mom's out there, that is not my intention, but these were the words out of his mouth, as a grown man who will be turning 28 this year.


To this day, DSS's closest relationship is with his dad. They talk on a daily basis. If he needs womanly advice (cooking, cleaning, girlfriend advice), he calls me.

One good thing is that now he does have a fairly good relationship with his mother. For a few years after he came to live with his dad and me, he wanted nothing to do with her. It all had to do with how his mother handled the divorce with his dad. We didn't force DSS to go and see her, but we did highly encourage him to do it. Thankfully it all worked out in the end, but it was a long road!!!!

To the OP, being a step parent isn't easy. Give them love and understanding. Realize there are times when things won't go your way. But in the end, do what is best for the child. They are the innocent ones that never asked to be put in this position .

ETA: I am on both sides of parenting issue, a step mom and the bio mom. My exDH has had several serious relationships over the past years. I have gotten along very well with his girlfriends. They have been nice to our children. I expect my children to respect his girlfriends the same way they respect me. My ex and I always put our children's best interests first. We don't play the "it's my week and you can't have them" game. That's just sad!!!

I pulled that from watching parents who were either going through a divorce or who were already divorced fighting over everything in regards to their children. I have listened to children who were caught between the two families and the hurt and pain that caused them, some to the point of exhibiting panic attacks or depression.

I wish everyone could behave the same as you and your family when dealing with new spouses, child visitations and blended families.. I applaud you!

Unfortunately, you and your family are the exception from what I have witnessed.

 

[wdwmom2]

I pulled that from watching parents who were either going through a divorce or who were already divorced fighting over everything in regards to their children. I have listened to children who were caught between the two families and the hurt and pain that caused them, some to the point of exhibiting panic attacks or depression. How sad

I wish everyone could behave the same as you and your family when dealing with new spouses, child visitations and blended families.. I applaud you! Thank you .

Unfortunately, you and your family are the exception from what I have witnessed.For my children's sake, both bio and step, I gladly choose to be that exception!!

Thank you!!

 

[southernbohemian]

I agree with the majority that you should plan the event when your relatives can come and hope your SS can come. Unfortunately, the e-mail situation makes it hard to judge her feelings when she makes the excuse of not wanting to plan that far in advance. Maybe she is being honest and doesn't want to promise you a weekend that might not be available (say she wanted to take a vacation or visit family). Or, more likely, she is simply not going to be all that cooperative. I would be honest with the SS and tell him why you scheduled it for a weekend he's not supposed to be with his father and express the hope that he'll be able to make it anyway. Don't say, "I hope your mother will let you." Just leave her out of it. I think it is always best to be very straight with the kids - but do not lay blame on anyone. Because that's life and it is not always going to be fair. And she will always be his mother. But that way, he knows he is wanted and included in the family. As others have said, there is no way to know if she is going to agree or go back on an agreement at the last minute, so just go ahead.

 

[doxdogy]

To the OP, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this issue. My husband's ex-wife and her mother put us through the same crud when dear daughter was younger.

To wdwmom2, dear daugther has told her father and others the same. That I have been more of a mother to her, then her biological mother. When it came time to plan her wedding, her mother showed no interest in helping her. Didn't even bat an eye when dear daughter had me plan it with her.

Thankfully, we all have a civil existence. Dear hubby and I decided years ago it was the best for dear daugther to make attempts to get along with her mother and her grandmother. For the best few years we have all celebrated Christmas together. Believe it or not, our daughter truly appreciates the fact that her father and I have no problem being there with them on Christmas day.

I honestly could not love her anymore if I had given birth to her.

 

[Costumesaremylife]

Op I hope everything works out.

I think if you were the Bio mom and you were writing about how your ex husband wouldn't switch weekends for a family event, you would be getting a whole boatload of sympathy and not being blamed for wanting too much.

Why are people such jerks when it comes to using their kids as tools of revenge?

 

[MichelleVW]

THere will be no sit down discussion between anyone about this, because she will not communicate in any way other than email.

I will only communicate with my ex husband through email and I know it drives him crazy BUT he's crazy and will deny things were said or twist them around some way. So I have learned in the past 8 years that if I want to communicate with him it has to be a CAREFULLY worded email.


Luckily my girls are teenagers so they just deal with him not me!

 

[RachelEllen]

Op I hope everything works out.

I think if you were the Bio mom and you were writing about how your ex husband wouldn't switch weekends for a family event, you would be getting a whole boatload of sympathy and not being blamed for wanting too much.

Same thought definitely occured to me.

 

[Spoodleink]

I have read all the posts and I have not read one post that was completely honest with you. So I will try to be direct and straightforward with my reply.

No matter how many times you allow the ex to have your dss during your visitation time, she (and maybe even dss) will never have the same familiar feelings to your family as his own.

There is no love greater than the love of a son to his mother, no matter how much he loves his father. Unfortunately the stepmother and biological father will usually ALWAYS factor in as second best.

I realize that my post is direct and to the point and I do not mean to cause you pain, but I think it will be a lot less painful to hear the truth now instead of always wondering "why" things don't work out the way you expect or want.

That is just messed up. Just because you might have that bond not everyone does. Neither my DH or my DB have this supposed Great loved. I know Mama's boys and also guys who have no real connection with their mom at all. Your perception is not her reality.

 

[LotsOfQuestions]

So frustrated right now. I have a 9 year old step-son whose mom is just difficult. Very difficult to communicate with. (Email only, won't talk to us on phone, takes weeks to answer questions, etc). I'm expecting my first child at the end of September, and we are trying to plan the baby naming. This is a Jewish ceremony most closely related to a Christening, but not quite as religious.

My father passed away about 2 years ago, and the hospital where he worked is having a large memorial service (opening a building in his name) on a weekend in December. I'd really like to have the naming on the same weekend so that out of town relatives can be there. If it's much earlier, we run into Thanksgiving or the babies first month when I'd rather not do a big social event (due to exposing baby to so many people). If it's much later we run into Christmas holidays. After that, my mom is moving and we were planning to have the event at her house. (It's much larger than ours) If it's at all close to the other event, many relatives of mine who are flying in won't be able to plan a second trip.

The catch? We don't have my stepson that weekend. We asked his mom if we could have him a few hours that weekend (any few hours, either Saturday or Sunday for a day in exchange of her choice) We had to ask three times to get a reply. (Over a period of two weeks) Do they have anything planned? No. She just doesn't 'feel comfortable' making plans that far in advance.

I realize that the remarriage and new child must be a huge stress for her. But what is she thinking just making things difficult for me when I'm going to be in her son's life? Wouldn't she appreciate flexibility from us in the future? There's no question about scheduling the naming when the fourth most important person involved (after baby and the father and I) can't be there. But I'm going to be very sad when a lot of my extended family cannot come.

The baby's naming ceremony is to coincide with your relatives and a hospital wing being named after your father?

You sound like a very caring and wonderful step-mom. But I can totally understand why the biological mom would have some hard feelings about having her son be involved in such a big occasion for your side of the family. 50 of your relatives and at your mother's house?

It might not be logical, but I can totally understand it. She might be jealous of you that your father is so important to have a hospital wing named after him. She might be jealous that her son would be so involved with your relatives.

I think a family gathering of such importance for the "other woman's" family might just overshadow the baby naming ceremony in the ex-wife's eyes.

You have two big events going simultaneously. You have one that involves her child with his baby sister, but then you have even a bigger one that seems to eclipse the naming ceremony that is only your family.

I would schedule the naming for the time that is best for you. As some have said, the mother might make it difficult no matter which weekend you choose.

It would be sad for the brother to not attend, but perhaps you could have a small ceremony for him on the weekend he is with you if the mother chooses to not let him attend.

I do know that there would be no way I could commit a weekend change for my kids 4 months in advance. I would have no idea of sports or school schedules or anything else that may be important to my child in his life.

 

[mselly13]

My dad can't stand his mother. She was a selfish, shallow woman who just didn't much like kids, including her own. She pretty much ignored him until she wanted to show off what a great mother she was, then made a big show of smothering him in front of whoever she wanted to impress. He's 58 now, and she wonders why he seldom calls or visits.

Just because someone is a biological parent, it doesn't mean that they get a free pass. And kids have a tendency to grow up... if a bio parent acts petty when their children are young, those children will remember it in not-so-kind terms when they become adults. Being difficult when children are young can come back to bite one on the behind.

To the first paragraph I have to say my DH's mom is similar. DH now has no contact with her at all. She is just an evil evil person.

To the second I have to say I hope to H that you are right. I pray about this everyday. I won't go into my situation here but I sure do rely on this thought process.

To the OP: you said that the bio mom often takes weeks getting back to you when you make requests. But does she usually let you have your request even though it took weeks to get the answer? If so, I would go ahead and plan your event for the weekend you want it and hope to H that even though she takes forever to get back to you that in the end she does try to do the right thing and let you switch with her. It may be frustrating waiting for an answer and this is one of those events that needs to be scheduled months in advance but you just have to be patient and maybe with time her responses time will get better. Once she sees that you aren't this horrid awful person who has access to her child she may come around. Best of luck.

 

[lillygator]

she isn't "the other woman" though. ??

 

[LotsOfQuestions]

she isn't "the other woman" though. ??

She is the "other woman" in her son's life right now.

I said it was not logical, but I could see a mom's resentment of having her son attend the new wife's family gathering, especially one so auspicious as the naming of a hospital wing.

That could certainly bring up feelings of jealousy and inadequacy on the part of the biological mom.

 

[bunny213]

I've read through these answers...and one thing sticks out in my mind....what about the little boy? In a very early thread the OP said that he wasn't aware of what is going on. Okay...I can understand that maybe he shouldn't be in on the "can he, or can't he" conversation between the adults -but after all is said and done.....if the party happens...and he is not there - what will his reaction be? Would he think that he wasn't invited??? Would he be upset to find out that he was invited...and Momma wouldn't let him go?? I think this is important....does anyone else? I have 4 s/children and have seen things like this backfire in a way that no one realised they would. Anyway...that's what I was wondering.
Barb

 

[npmommie]

I've read through these answers...and one thing sticks out in my mind....what about the little boy? In a very early thread the OP said that he wasn't aware of what is going on. Okay...I can understand that maybe he shouldn't be in on the "can he, or can't he" conversation between the adults -but after all is said and done.....if the party happens...and he is not there - what will his reaction be? Would he think that he wasn't invited??? Would he be upset to find out that he was invited...and Momma wouldn't let him go?? I think this is important....does anyone else? I have 4 s/children and have seen things like this backfire in a way that no one realised they would. Anyway...that's what I was wondering.
Barb

bunny i was wondering the same thing.

We also thinks he's too young to have a discussion about whether or not he wants to come. It's up to us to judge how he is feeling and offer not coming as an option if that seemed appropriate. But so far, the vibe has been that he's really into and excited about things having to do with the upcoming birth. Can't wait to see what changes when there's an actual little person here that he has to share time with!

i am sorry but I think you are missing the mark here. people dismiss kids as "too young" to know or they can't decide for them selves, honestly he is 9 he should be able to decide if he wants to come, and he has valid feelings and it is not up to you to judge how HE feels. goodness what kind of thinking is this??
kids deserve a voice and respect too.

 

[Tink888]

OP - schedule the ceremony for the weekend that works best for you. Let DH email his ex and let her know the date you have chosen, that he understands it is during her time and you both want to include DS (if he wants to be there) so that he knows even with the new addition, he is still an important part of DH's and your new family's life.

She might change her plans and let you have him that day. She might not. Ex's don't have to cooperate, sometimes for no other reason than they just don't have too. Accept it and live your life.

If DSS wants to be there and mom puts her child's feeling first, he'll be able to come. If not, enjoy your special day and plan other times for DSS to bond with his new sibling and be together as a family. Once the baby is born, be sure not only to include DSS, but also to give DSS plenty of alone time with his dad so he knows that he's still an important part of his life.

My DH has a daughter from a previous marriage. Even though they had been divorced for five years before we met, his ex made it a goal in her life to make things as difficult for us as she could. I know it wasn't easy for my step-daughter when our first son was born. All you can do is let them know they are loved, they're an important part of your family and include them as much as possible. Both my boys adore her and she adores my sons. I'm sure there were resentments - my kids are growing up with their dad in their life everyday and through no fault (or choice) of her own, she missed out on some of that with her dad.

Let DH deal with his ex and when you have to deal with her, ALWAYS take the high road (I know it's not always easy).

I have always let my step-daughter know that she already had a "mom" who was irreplacable and that I just loved her and was there for her for whatever she needed. DH & I have been married now for 15 years and ALL of us (even the ex) are close. We've been through high school and college graduations together. DH's ex and I get along great now and she has become the one who refer's to me as the 2nd mom to her daughter. By no means has it always been that way or been easy but with patience and putting the child first, it has worked.

Divorce is hard for everyone, hardest for the kids. Blended-families do work. Any time a child has postive adults in their life who care, love and want the best for them is a good thing. DH's ex used to make it a point to tell me how I wasn't a part of my step-daughter's family, never would be, but the reality was that all of our lives were intertwined, we're all connected. Family is what you make it to be.